Reasons I Swipe Left On Tinder

A few weeks ago my friend Chelsea introduced me to the world of Tinder, dating application extraordinaire. For those of you unfamiliar with dating apps, allow me to explain. Once you create an account through Facebook (it's virtually Catfish-proof) and log your preferences, Tinder shows you the profiles that meet your criteria. Profiles include first name, age, photos and a short biography, along with showing if you and the other user have shared Facebook friends or interests. You swipe left on photos you are not interested in and swipe right if you are interested. If someone you swiped right for also swipes right for you, you are both notified and free to contact each other through the app.

Now at first, I had no idea what I was doing. But after accidentally liking a dozen or so guys, I have finally figured out what to look for in a profile. Or more specifically, what not to look for in a profile. Here are the buzzwords and bio hazards (see what I did there?) that make me swipe left, along with suggested replacements.


Outdoors
Yeah, we're just not going to get along. I refer to any dining experience that takes place outside as camping. I'm much more Jasmine than Pocahontas. As an aspiring trophy wife, I belong strictly indoors.
Suggestion: Proud owner of a 50" plasma TV.

Crossfit
Nope. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm in shape. That shape just happens to be round. When I see the word Crossfit in a Tinder bio I imagine the scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love where Emma Stone tells Ryan Gosling she's not gonna take her shirt off after seeing his immaculate abdominals.
See also: Fitness.
Suggestion: Serving size of pizza = 1 pizza.

Atheist/Agnostic 
Yeah we won't be going out.
Suggestion: I love Jesus, followed by a Bible verse.

Craft Beer
I don't drink. Like at all. So when anyone who mentions alcohol in their bio or has pics of them drinking, I am a bit wary. But craft beer crosses some hypothetical line in my book, and appears to be the exclusive alcohol of bearded men. I don't even think I know what craft beer means but when I read it what I see is "I'm a hipster."
Suggestion: McDonald's. Bojangles.

Left-handed
Okay I can see how this might constitute me being too picky. In my defense, I've only actually swiped left on one person because of this. But why would you put that in your bio? Like you're proud of it? All I know is that if we go to a wedding together and you get seated to my right, we're gonna be bumping elbows all night. Eventually you will impede my ability to eat wedding cake and if that doesn't kill the romance I don't know what does.
Suggestion: I love Harry Potter. I know it's completely unrelated but it's something I want to know.

Camo 
Not my style, probably never going to be my style. Seeing an abundance of camo in a profile makes me fear that our future would hold the kind of rustic, country weddings all over Pinterest right now. And for that reason, I can't.
Suggestion: Baseball uniform. Even if it's not yours, it'll get your foot in the door. 

Sunglasses + Hat = Hard Left Swipe 
I probably wouldn't give this a second thought until Chelsea pointed out how sketch mcsketch it is to have only photos of yourself where 60% of your head is covered. What are you trying to hide? I don't know and I am not willing to find out.
Suggestion: Try a photo where I can actually see your face and tell which one you are.

Animals
I'm not an animal person. I won't swipe left if you have one picture with a dog. If you have a picture that indicates you own a snake, rat, lizard or spider as a pet I am swiping left. If you have pictures of your mouth making contact with a dog, it's a no from me.
Suggestion: American flags. 

Babies
If you have more than one picture of yourself with an infant or small child and no disclaimer to the tune of "that's my niece" I have no choice but to assume that you are a parent. No judgment, but my mother is too young and hot to be a step-grandma.
Suggestion: A picture of you holding up a piece of paper that reads "while childless at the moment, I hope to someday have 4-7 children" and I will be swiping right. 

Height
For some reason guys are always posting their heights in their bios on Tinder. If they are gonna put it out there, I'm gonna use it as a factor in making my decision. So if you're 5'3", I'm just gonna save us both some time and trouble.
Suggestion: If you must include a shallow statistic in your bio, try SAT score, GPA, bank account balance, credit card number. That will catch my eye. 

Long Bios
If I see that your bio is multiple paragraphs or just all around unwieldy, I'm wondering why you are so invested in Tinder that you've taken the time to cultivate such a lengthy bio. Like did you quit your day job to pursue Tinder full-time? It's a turn off. And a left swipe.
Suggestion: Keep it short and simple, a few facts or interests. Two terribly brief paragraphs at most. 

Mirror Pics
Mirros pics are a solid no. Selfies are one thing, and they are practically necessary for an app like this. Mirror pics are a different beast entirely and I recommend a strong zero-tolerance policy.
Suggestion: Selfies. Candids. Mug shots. Anything else really.

Grammatical Errors
If I see a lack of apostrophes, punctuation that's just MIA or the misuse of there/their/they're, I can't.
Suggestion: Fake it if you must. No one will know you spent hours with a dictionary to write a grammatically correct bio. But if you write "I like youre shoes, there cute" I will know to swipe left.

Stupid Name
This is admittedly very shallow, but I just think of my future children telling their friends to check the phone book for "Trixton Jones" and I swipe left every time.  
Suggestion: It's about time you invest in a nickname.