The Blind Leading the Blind: Dating Advice

I spend a lot of my time thinking about dating. You know what they say, those who can't do...blog? Naturally, I have a lot of opinions on what makes a compatible couple. So I have compiled this list of dating website and app ideas that will make online dating more successful. You're welcome.


1. An app that lets you fall in love via creepy pick up lines. Your profile is one picture of yourself with your funniest caption and once matched you each throw out your 5 creepiest/cheesiest/most magical pick up lines and decide if you wish to continue communication.

2. An app that pairs people based on their opinions on the Oxford comma. Because I have never seen a relationship survive different opinions in this area. For $9.95 a month, this app can also select matches for you based on a preference of run on or fragment sentences. Because writing style incompatibility is a leading cause of divorce. Imagine leaving notes every morning that are 5 paragraphs, MLA format with an introduction, conclusion and bibliography and then coming home to "luv u" on a Post-it and you will understand.

3. A website that connects people who love the same pizza toppings. Because my idea of a great date involves eating half of a pizza, so it's important that a couple can agree on which pizza to order. Anyone who insists on mushrooms is obviously not my soul mate. And if you don't think bacon makes an excellent pizza topping we're not meant to be.

4. A dating app that keeps Droid users and Apple users separate. This is important for so many reasons. 1-I live in a basement so I rarely have enough service to send an actual text message. 2-On second thought, maybe catering to the needs of basement dwellers isn't what online dating should strive for. My apologies.

5. An app that gives you a list of potential mates based on who likes your pictures on Instagram and Facebook and who retweets or favorites your tweets. Potential mates are ranked for how often they like your social media posts. Because every time a cute guy retweets me or likes my selfie I tell myself that we're in love, it's basically the millennial mating call. And who has the time to go count how many of your photos your new crush has liked? (7 as of noon today)

6. A website that makes suggestions based on what you watch on Netflix. Not only will you be able to easily pick a show without fighting, but you won't have a messy breakup custody argument over a shared Netflix account. This website will also allow you to skip that phase in a new relationship where you both pretend you're only into really high brow entertainment, so instead of spending your first weekend together watching Indie documentaries you can watch Honey Boo Boo.

7. An app that pairs couples based on which Kardashian you see yourself as and which Kardashian you are looking for. Because the Kims can't be with the Kims. Ideally, the Khloes find the Scotts, the Kourtneys fall for the Kendalls and the Kims and the Kylies fight over who can take a better selfie. Kanye belongs with only himself.

8. An app that matches people based on their favorite Law & Order: SVU D.A. Honestly, I think this should just be a rule for the general population. Do you think the divorce rate in America would be as high as it is if there was a system in place to keep the reckless alcoholics like Sonya Paxton away from the by the book, win at all costs Rafeal Barbas of the world? I am in desperate need of a crusader like Kim Greylek to go with my compassionate Casey Novak.

9. A website that works like Tinder and when you match you can see all of their exes and decide if you wish to continue. Because if a guy I'm into has only dated blondes with less than 10% body fat, that's something I'm going to want to know. If he's only dated Norwegians named Olga with over 40% body fat, also something I'm going to want to know.

10. An app that connects people based on which emoji they identify as. Because a moon face doesn't belong with a pink bow and a sass girl could never find lasting happiness with a stack of books. I've said it before, I'll say it again, emojis are the window to the soul.

11. An app that connects people based on their favorite Taylor Swift songs. Because I've made some of my best friends this way. If a guy you like is super into Better Than Revenge and your favorite is Should've Said No, I can tell you how your relationship is going to end. With lots of Pictures to Burn.

12. A website that shows you what hashtags they use most. Because if I like a guy but find out that he uses #WCW every other week, I don't like him anymore. I just don't. Don't you deserve to know if a potential partner has typed #foodporn over 30 times? I think yes. Currently working on the technology needed to differentiate between sarcastic #YOLOs and serious #YOLOs.

13. A website that shows you how often different people view your social media accounts or your address on Google Earth. Because some guys are shy and don't understand that they are supposed to make the first move. So they need the little confidence boost of knowing I drove by their house 3 times last weekend before they ask me out. I get that.

14. A Pottermore extension that would match people based on their Harry Potter houses. Note this is not as simple as it sounds. Slytherins should never date Ravenclaws because they value tradition and creativity, respectively.  Slytherins would want a simple and classic wedding while Ravenclaws are hipsters who brew their own craft beer. You see the problem?

15. An app where each user must provide a letter of reference from an ex. This would be so interesting. I lowkey included this because I hope that it would encourage guys to stop being jerks to their exes. There would be required sections like pros, cons, best feature, worst feature, grossest habit, sweetest thing he ever did, how the relationship ended. It's like CarFax for guys!


The downside of this post is that I actually have none of the skills needed to make any of these ideas a reality. So if any of you know how to use the internet and computers and code and all that good stuff, please, help a girl out.