Leaving Rio

Although I am not yet ready to accept that there will be life after Rio, deep down I know that at the end of this week all the athletes will go home and leave me more deflated than Brazil's economy. In order to ease the transition, I have come up with great post-retirement ideas for some of our favorite athletes even though I hope they never retire. I'm just trying to be a good sport.*

Gabby Douglas - Lipstick Mogul
Kylie's kits may have a choke hold on Calabasas, but Gabby's lips rocked Rio. (That was a really good sentence displaying both Kardashian knowledge and keen alliteration. No one would judge you if you read it again.) With her name recognition and perfect pout, I'm seeing an empire. Video tutorials, lipsticks, lip liners, Snapchat filters, a spread in Vogue, friendship with Taylor Swift. The sky is the limit. (That's also the name of a sky blue lipstick she will release late 2017.)

Michael Phelps - Cupping Spokesperson
He's already done more for this medical phenomenon than the 4 out of 5 doctors who recommend it. When Phelps returns from Rio he can spend plenty of time with his adorable son Boomer and bring home the bacon, eggs, pizzas and burgers needed to fuel the most decorated Olympian of all time by making a few promotional Instagram posts a month.

Aly Raisman & Simone Biles - Celebrity Hair Stylists
These 2 work so well together and after years of practice they are obviously experts at crafting buns that really stick it. If Aly & Simone were creating your top knot you would get to listen in on their banter and know that your updo can withhold a gold-medal-winning routine.

Katie Ledecky - Delivery Specialist
Stay with me here. When Amazon Prime isn't going to cut it and overnight delivery is unavailable, we send out Katie Ledecky. For a pretty penny she will swim your order to you in 60 minutes or less. Not home to sign for your package? No worries. Katie is used to waiting.

Marta Karolyi - Interrogation Specialist
Something about that woman...I just want to please her. I would give up any and all state secrets to have the light of her smile shining on me for the most glorious second of my life. If you can maintain your poker face while Marta glares at you then you've earned your freedom.

Nathan Adrian - Dental Model
To quote Louise Belcher, "he's the reason faces were invented" and his smile makes me wish I had already gotten the jaw surgery I so desperately need. If he ever moves to a country where nice teeth aren't a priority (not naming any names) (Britain) then he could always be an ab model. 

Laurie Hernandez - Reality Television Show
Laurie has so much personality and really didn't get enough screen time in Rio. For her E! series I envision a lot of family, friends and fleekness. Eyeliner/eyebrow vines? Beam for beginners? Fro-yo? Honestly, I would watch her read a magazine or grocery shop.

Leslie Jones - Leslie Jones
No changes necessary. I just want Leslie Jones to continue doing her for the rest of forever. I think we should send her to every international competition or maybe make her an ambassador. As long as her ambassador duties never infringe on the SNL season or her Twitter time. 

Ashton Eaton & Brianne Theisen-Eaton - Daytime Talk Show Hosts
These 2 are adorable and you know it. If their relationship can survive representing 2 different countries at the Olympics, it can survive anything. For this power couple, I'm thinking a Dr. Phil/Fear Factor hybrid. Couples will receive relationship advice after winning intense physical competitions. The working title is Tough Love. 

Kerri Walsh Jennings - Lifestyle Blog
I look at Kerri Walsh Jennings and I just think "Now there is a woman who always remembers to wash her hair. That's a woman who wakes up at 6, does some yoga on the beach, goes for a run and serves her kids an organic, nutritious, homemade breakfast by 8. A woman who somehow, inexplicably, never tracks sand in the house." and I know that she would have amazing advice on everything from dressing with permanent tan lines to building female friendships. 

Madison Kocian - Cirque du Soleil
As Team USA's uneven bars silver medalist, Madison could easily transition to performing with Cirque. As long as the performances leave her with plenty of time to make appearances on Laurie's show, this is a win/win. 

Megan Rapinoe - Soccer Camp Coordinator
Megan Rapinoe is adorable. Her happiness makes me happy. And that's huge considering I typically resent the good fortune of others. Schadenfreude aside, I want Rapinoe, Becky Sauerbrunn, Alex Morgan, Meghan Klingenburg, Carli Lloyd, Christen Press and Tobin Heath to play soccer forever but if they absolutely must retire, I want to be able to follow them around the country in a socially-acceptable manner. And if that means forcing my children into multiple soccer camps then that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. 

Chinese Gymnasts - High Schoolers
After Rio the Chinese women's gymnastics team has a bright future ahead as they begin their high school careers. That is all.

Did you read this post desperately hoping I would offer some much-needed advice on your potential life path? Do you feel jaded that at the moment I only offer career advice to Olympic athletes? Frankly that's a little sad but you can click this link to find your Olympic match based on age, height, weight and gender. My Olympic matches were Brazilian gymnast Flavia Saraiva, Australian swimmer Bronte Campbell and Israeli javelin thrower Marharyta Dorozhon. I'm not privy to the intricacies of how the BBC's Olympic-pairing algorithm works but I think this means that if you add their weights together it would equal mine.


*False. I've already sworn off the nations of Sweden & Brazil after soccer & volleyball defeats.