Model Behavior

People often ask me, "Rachel, why don't you write a book about yourself?" and that is due in large part to the fact that I don't think Abandonment Issues The Musical would be a bestseller but also because as much as I love TALKING about myself, I prefer WRITING about other things. Like my childhood. The crazy situations I find myself in. My personality. And my opinions. I guess I could write a book about myself after all.

So I'll start this week by weighing in on a recent celeb controversy. Now I love celebrity news as much as the next pathetic wannabe, but sometimes E! News and People.com and even my best (only) friend Buzzfeed, go too far. Two models have attracted national attention recently, basically for being human beings doing their jobs. And after years of watching America's Next Top Model I am more than koalafied to discuss it.

Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner received a lot of backlash when she did a photo shoot as a ballerina. People were mad that Vogue Espana used a model for the photo shoot and not a real ballerina. Correct me if I'm wrong (cause I'm not)...but isn't that what models are for? I don't think Kate Moss exclusively wears Rimmel makeup. Gisele has been the face of half a dozen perfumes. Are we supposed to believe she layers them on every day? And I hate to break it to y'all, but I know for a fact that Heidi Klum doesn't take daily trips to Carl's Jr. Because I've seen her. Consumers don't want to buy products from normal people. Is anyone going to run out to buy Maybelline mascara* after viewing a close up of me? No. Book an appointment with their dermatologist? Maybe. The job of a model is to pretend. To make us rat-faced plebeians believe that if we buy the right products, we too can have legs like Karlie, cheekbones like Joan, lips like Miranda, skin like Chanel. Is the media telling us no one is allowed to pretend? I pretend every day. I pretend to be a confident, independent woman. I pretend to know the answer when my students ask me for help on their science homework. I pretend peanut butter doesn't have calories. And what about Halloween? I guess I can only dress as a teacher or internet troll or witch.

Gigi Hadid
"Gigi Hadid LASHES OUT"
"Not model behaviour. Frantic Gigi Hadid lashes out"
"Furious Gigi Hadid lashes out and elbows a fan in the face"
"Gigi Hadid aggressively lashes out and ELBOWS fan in the FACE after he tries to pick her up"

What actually happened was a total stranger picked Gigi up for several seconds until she elbowed him in the face and got away. My favorite thing about these headlines is that they all think they're being clever by using the phrase "lashes out" as if she exclusively models mascara. My least favorite thing about these headlines is that they are ridiculous and the Brits still don't know how to spell behavior. Saying she elbowed a fan makes it sound like a little girl asked for an autograph and Gigi gave her a jab to the throat. If this had happened to me, my dad (and my cousin Kelsey) would be livid if I DIDN'T elbow the guy in the face. And all of my uncles would probably sign me up for a concealed carry class within the week. People. She's a 21-year-old woman. A stalker grabbed her and she responded appropriately. Also, let's give this guy some credit. He didn't just try to pick her up. He succeeded. He literally picked her up. And homegirl got the heck outta there. Watching her walk the runway doesn't make me want to workout but seeing her smash that guy's face sure does.

In closing - it is 2016. There's a huge election coming up in 40 days. There's a Syrian refugee crisis. There's football to be watched. Blake Lively is pregnant for Pete's sake!** Can we not find more important things to talk about than people doing their job and protecting themselves?

*Maybelline has asked me to stop publicly endorsing them. I'm bad for business. So I take it back. I actually use Smaybeddine mascara.
**Who is this proverbial Pete and why is he capitalization worthy?