Happily Never After

A few weeks ago I shared the story of the new love of my life in this post. Practically dozens of readers were on the edges of their respective seats, anxious to hear any news. On Monday my co-workers all hoped to catch my eye in the hallway and ask me "when's the wedding" or "do you know his name yet?" and whatnot. I sadly had to tell them that I had not seen him at church on Sunday, I was no closer to my dream engagement ring (or marriage or whatever) than I had been months ago.

But another week has passed and I finally have an update.

Picture it. Sunday morning. I wake up, break out some brand new makeup and get ready for church. You do not want to know how much money went in to making my face dream boy ready. A little concealer, a lot of eyebrows, some new eyeshadow in pinks and reds to bring out the dilation of the blood vessels in my eyes. No less than 5 different mascaras (it's a science, some lengthen, some add volume, some separate, some just come in aesthetically pleasing tubes), bronzer for contour, highlight for...highlighting? and a designer lip gloss sample that I was saving for a rainy day. Of course I was wearing black - my power (and only) color so let's not underestimate how fabulous I looked.


I drive on over to church and decide to get out of my comfort zone one more time. He's worth it, right? I walk cautiously to his section and he's nowhere to be found but don't worry. There's still 3 minutes before service starts, not everyone is as early as I am. I continue to scan the room for him while the worship band plays an unnecessary amount of songs.

You know how the new megachurch-lite churches are really into playing a ton of contemporary songs every Sunday? I think it's to justify the fact that they spent so much money on instruments to try to distract from the fact that we're holding service in a basketball court. But as I searched all around the top of the key, dream boy was nowhere to be found.

I called off the search and focused on the music, wishing that contemporary Christian music could still include Amy Grant and Avalon. It was contemporary like 15 years ago and I miss it. I glanced over to my normal section to see all the faces I had become familiar with over the year since I'd moved to Apex.

I don't remember their names but I missed the comfort of the Asian family that sits to the right of me and always leaves like halfway through, I still don't know what that's about. And the middle-aged blonde woman who sits in front of me and reminds me of Aunt Erin. Most people probably see her as another soccer mom but I find her fabulous. And in the middle of all the people that I reluctantly make small talk with during greeting time even though I feel super self-conscious about it, in between the faces I can now recognize and the ones I still can't pick out of a crowd, I saw him.

Sitting in my section. Was this real? Was God sending me a vision? Was I a prophet now? Had he always sat in my section, save for that fateful Sunday? Maybe MY section was HIS section and he'd been sitting there for years, just behind me where my eyes couldn't access the back of his head that I'd been crushing on for weeks. Or was he late? It's a crowded service and maybe he couldn't find a seat so he was ushered into an empty chair towards the back. Or maybe, just maybe, he was doing the exact same thing I was doing.

Could there really be someone as crazy as me out there? Someone who realized I was interested the moment we locked eyes over the symbolic body of Christ. Someone who wanted to meet me just as bad as I wanted to meet him?


And that is the story I so WISH that I could share with you all. Unfortunately, today's post just proves that my talents are not limited to non-fiction because the scene above was made up.

As much as I want that story to be what actually happened, at this point I can only assume that dream boy has missed 2 Sundays in a row. I didn't see him and while it is possible that he escaped my watchful eye, I would not consider it to be probable. Is it really wise to pursue this relationship if we are headed for separate eternities? Talk about a long distance relationship. If he has missed 2 consecutive Sundays isn't that just a hop, skip and a jump away from renouncing Christ?

Sorry to disappoint everyone. Believe me, no one wants a moderately content ever after more than I do. But for now it's just not in the prayer cards.


Sign up for eharmony today and use my discount code 4EVERal0ne (that's not an o it's a zero as in an a scale of 1to 10, I am a zero) to get...nothing. But one of those online dating sites should really consider sponsoring me.

If eharmony isn't your thing, I can recommend Bumble for if you're in the mood to try out that constant rejection that the male species keeps raving about, OKCupid for if you're just dying to be catfished and Hinge for if you want access to a lot of men exactly 1 year younger than your age preferences.