I rolled into my appointment with no fingernail polish (don't worry, my toes were still done) and only 2 earrings. The last time I only had 2 earrings in was probably fifth grade. Spoiler alert...as soon as we got home Emily was able to get all of my other earrings back where they belong.
The point of taking my earrings out was in case a medical emergency necessitated my transport to an MRI machine I guess? And I couldn't wear nail polish because they needed to check my fingernails to make sure I was getting oxygen. Tbh, I think we could have risked it.
But I followed the stupid rules, we checked in, I payed $850 and almost had a legit medical emergency - a heart attack - but after a few minutes I was called back. Before I went to the operating room I gave Emily my phone and told her to remember that I wanted an open casket. The nurse did not appreciate that.
As you can see, things went relatively well. Here is a picture of me that Emily sent to my parents in all my post-op glory.
Either my face was swollen or I ate a lot of salty foods the day before the procedure. It's 50/50. Who's to say?
As soon as I was out of surgery, Emily and I started taking as many videos as possible. In this post, I will not be saving the best for last. If you're friends with me on Facebook you have already seen this gem that will probably get Emily her first Oscar for a documentary. I want it played at my wedding, or honestly every wedding. Here is the single best thing to come from my wisdom teeth removal.
Now I do not remember the making of this video, I'm like Matthew McConaughey filming Dazed and Confused. But when watching this video, it appears that I am trying to look at my chest to see the results of a breast augmentation. Upon discovering that nothing has changed, I break the 4th wall and shrug at Emily as if to say "oh well, what can ya do?" and that's the end of that.
In the longer video that beautiful clip comes from, I tried to hit on my doctor. I told Emily he was cute (maybe I used the word hot?) and the nurse jumped in to say he is married with 4 kids. Okay but did I ask? I wasn't ordering save the dates I just said he was cute/hot. And I thought that before anesthesia or prescription pain relief. Just sayin'.
In the same 6 minute video I told Emily I was happy there was no nerve damage in my mouth making me talk like Drew Barrymore and asked for not 1, not 2, but 3 Cook Out milkshakes. And it's not like I have 3 milkshake flavors I love. I requested Mint Oreo (my favorite), strawberry, and for the last milkshake I suggested that Emily "surprise me" and she surprise me by only getting me one milkshake.
I ate that whole milkshake as soon as we got home because I needed food in my system before taking painkillers. I couldn't eat before the surgery so I was pretty hungry but so was Emily as you can see from this video in which she refuses to drive me 20 minutes away to go shop at a craft store while the anesthesia wears off unless we go to Olive Garden.
I will admit, for Emily, the 30 minute drive home with me was probably not ideal. In this video I send a Snapchat update to my friends from college and explain that since Emily wouldn't take me to Michael's she is my least favorite drag queen Phi Phi O'Hara and I am my favorite drag queen Alyssa Edwards. Except Emily wouldn't even take me to Party City where I belong.
Of course after major oral surgery my mouth felt weird to me.
I still had no desire to watch Twilight. I wanted to stretch my mouth and talk a lot but Emily seemed to think both were bad ideas. She may have been onto something with the jaw stretches but part of me thinks she just wanted me to stop talking.
Once we finally got home and Emily refused to give me a sponge bath, I slept for like an hour. This was probably Emily's favorite hour of the day.
At some point during this manic episode, I got a Facebook message from a fake account pretending to be my friend's mom and I think I handled it appropriately.
I set my alarm for 6:30 AM to get more pain pills in my system but when I woke up, I was ready to go! I organized my closet, wrapped more presents, did the dishes, made cake balls for my brothers, cleaned the living room, lit a candle, did some laundry, surprisingly remembered to blow out the candle, packed a bag for home and bought myself more makeup. I want to say I should not be allowed to online shop on pain meds, but if I'm being honest they make no difference I am just as irresponsible without them.
I am a big baby when it comes to dental pain so I used more painkillers than my dad who had knee surgery the same day as my wisdom teeth removal. He was not a fan of how chatty they made me. And to be fair...I did get a little weird on them but I'm always a little weird. That's my homeostasis. So everyone needs to calm down.
I remember making this snap story. I got some vaccinations (make America vaccinate again) and decided to share my awesome adhesive bandage (Band-Aid is a brand name) with the world. LeeAnn stepped in while I was trying to take the picture for Snapchat because she thought I was just trying to take a pic of my shoulder I guess...so she tried to stop me but I explained "no, this is the content my followers subscribe to" so you're welcome.
That's all for now, but if my dental record is any indication...
...I will have more stories to share soon. I have about 5 months left on my father's insurance and I intend to make the most of them!
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