Oh Deer

I killed my first deer this weekend!

Which is quite the accomplishment until you remember that I don't hunt.

Nope. 'Twas vehicular ruminant-slaughter.

I was minding my own business, trying to drive home from a long day of cleaning, moving and wearing babies when a deer ran in front of me all hari kari.

Here's what people keep asking me. "Where you paying attention?" And that's a dumb question because A) yes of course I was paying attention, what am I going to do, read all the text messages I don't get? and B) if I wasn't paying attention, I wouldn't tell you so now we'll never know.

What I didn't realize is that deer are actually just as reckless and treacherous as squirrels but they are much, much bigger. Honestly, until Saturday I had never had a deer run out in front of me. People would talk about watching out for deer and honking or playing loud music to scare them but I genuinely had never had a deer run in front of my car. They've been by the road minding their own business. I do always say if you don't like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk/crosswalk/houses close to the road/most mailboxes/fields but our relationship was honestly copacetic until Saturday.

So now my car looks like it has a cleft palate but Smile Train ain't gonna fix this. I have had so many car issues that once again I am left asking, "am I the problem?" but honestly I blame the deer here.


After the initial shock wore off I called my parents. I was half a mile from their house and they came right away. I didn't cry until they got there and honestly that started when my dad said my deductible was $500. That deer is so dead to me. Also it is literally quite dead.

I'm lucky that I was able to go to my parents' house to wait and that I'm not hurt and that my car is still drivable and that I won a drawing for a $50 gift card at work once. That's not related, I'm just still really jazzed about it because I never win anything.

In another stroke of luck, the world's foremost expert on deer-related car accidents is my grandmother. And my grandpa hit a deer a few weeks ago. And my aunt hit a deer right after Christmas. Those ungulates really have it out for my family, and I may know why. I blame myself. Species appropriation. I know better, now I have to do better.

As I called several NC transportation and law 800 numbers to get an official report, my mother listened in as if this were middle school and I was going to dish to the highway patrol about what boy I'm crushing on. They asked where it happened and I said that I was on Goldston-Glendon Road between Bonlee-Carbonton Road and Beal Road. Which is entirely accurate. That's where it was. Y'all can go check out the deer carcass for yourselves. My mother starts waving her hands and shaking her head frantically, whisper-shouting "J Cook Road! J Cook Road!" to the point where I finally told the officer "My mother wants you to know that it is closer to J Cook Road than Beal Road" and I'm sure he took note of that.

While we waited for an officer to arrive, my dad pointed out that now our stories don't match up. I claim the wreck took place by Beal Road while my mother insists that it was by J Cook Road. What if they think we're committing insurance fraud? What if they take us downtown? Split us up and wait for us to turn on each other? I won't do well in prison, without 24/7 access to online shopping I fall apart we all know that. Thankfully the officer was not hip to our jive. Remind me to never commit a crime with my mother. Or just in general.

After a lot of phone calls and emails, I took my car to a body shop. They were able to push my hood down so my car no longer beeps at me anytime it's in gear. The beeping started Monday morning, when I should have been enjoying the Rent Live soundtrack. It's a cruel world we live in folks.

A guy at the body shop told me that car mechanics and body repairmen love deer. He said they go out and feed them at night and finally we have a conspiracy I can get behind. That's capitalism baby. Create a demand for your supply. And since I found out that my deductible for animal-caused car accidents is actually $0, I can't be mad at that.