I hope everyone's holiday season is going well, and just to be clear when I say holiday I mean Christmas. Wanna know how my break has been? Basically one engagement after another. Back at school, everyone was single so I didn't realize how alone I am. But in my hometown it's nothing but other twenty-somethings planning weddings and doing other lame adult stuff (buying houses, getting real jobs, being financially secure, blah blah blah). If I had more actual friends I would feel just like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, but let's face it I'm much more of an "always my only friend's plus one and never a bridesmaid" type (thanks Em!).
In an effort to make myself feel better, I immediately wrote a list of all the reasons it's fun being alone at Christmas. Ok, that's a lie I immediately ate a dozen oreo truffles but then I wrote my list.
Reasons it's Great Being Single During the Holidays
1) Hey, it's 1 less person to buy a gift for.
2) You don't have to take cheesy couple pictures by the tree.
3) You can eat all the Christmas goodies you make instead of sharing.
4) You can sing your favorite Christmas song on repeat instead of mixing in theirs.
5) You won't receive any "couple" gifts. (Edward and Bella salt and pepper shakers, just what we wanted! Barf.)
6) You don't have to ask yourself "Is this the proposal?" before every holiday event.
7) You don't have to share credit for all the awesome gifts you buy.
8) You can spend the whole month of December with YOUR friends and family, not theirs.
9) You don't have to worry about how cute-but-not-hot you look in your "allegedly tacky" Christmas sweater because you love it and IT LIGHTS UP.
10) You don't have to stick with the set of wrenches you picked in Dirty Santa because your guy wants them. You go for that bubble bath and slippers, girl!
If none of these reasons proved to you that one strong, independent partridge paying her own rent in that pear tree is better than 2 stinkin turtle doves, then you are more than welcome to join any of the following dating websites I am working on (patents pending).
DisneyLovers.Magic.com
Because you deserve someone who can and will sing every word to Colors of the Wind with you.
BaptistBlindDates.com
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my church. (Baptists love the Spice Girls, you didn't know?)
GryffindorMeet.com
Connecting Rons to their Hermiones since the Sorcerer's Stone. Perfect for finding a date to the Yule Ball.
IfWe'reBeingHonestI'mReallyAHufflepuff.com
Most people are, and that's ok. I'm a Ravenclaw obviously, but Hufflepuffs need lovin too!
SquibsAnonymous.com
Anonymous since no one would actually admit to being a squib. Maybe if Filch had a special someone he would stop being so freakin weird.
PitbullFans.Dale.com
Because the 2 of them really belong together. Same for KristenStewartLovers.com and CarrotToppers.com.
GOPMingle.com
Because I live in a ridiculously liberal town and I know my Reagan in shining armor is out there somewhere.
TeemPeetaRulesGaleDrools.com
A moderate obsession with Josh Hutcherson is completely healthy. If a couple is on opposite sides of this bitter debate, they will never last.
Brad&Jen4Ever.90skids.com
Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by their divorce. That's why this URL narrowly beat out MillennialsWhoDon'tStillLiveWithTheirParentsMeet.com.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
A Very White Girl Christmas
It is officially the peak of finals week so I'm running on lots of sugar and caffeine. My chief concern is not that I will fail all my exams but that I actually won't remember how to sleep after this week is over. The only good thing about finals is that it means Christmas season is well underway now, and I for one could not be happier. At this point in my career as honorary Captain Christmas, I have sampled just about every Christmas album known to elf kind and I can confidently say that this playlist includes only the best for your Christmas CD. If you don't have a Christmas CD, shame on you!
All I Want For Christmas is You
Mariah Carey
Because Mariah Carey is like the queen of Christmas and this album (that she wrote) broke so many records it's insane. She wrote this song that we all attempt to sing knowing good and well only angels can hit those high notes. All I want for Christmas is to be Mariah Carey.
Baby It's Cold Outside
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone
Zooey is an idol among white girls and this song was forever solidified as a Christmas classic in Elf. You really must know at least some of the lyrics. Plus, the scene in the movie is totally the same as the shower scene in Pitch Perfect. Just let that sink in.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Glee Cast
The Glee Christmas album is probably one of the best things to ever happen to me and I couldn't have cared less about this song until hearing the Glee girls' version. Santana, Mercedes, Rachel and even Quinn make this song. You will forever sing this stylized version and get weird looks in church, but it's more than worth it.
Cold December Night
Michael Buble
Michael Buble's Christmas album has impacted my life in a very positive way. Not very well-known but this songs gets major props for being something you can sing all throughout December (Ha! As if I don't sing any Christmas song I want from September through January.) I mean he just wants someone to fall in love with him. I volunteer as tribute!
Where Are You Christmas
Faith Hill
In all honesty, I hate this song but recognize it as an important addition to this list due to it's connection to How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Faith Hill, Cindy Lou Who, and all things white girl. I also find it useful to belt the title around exam time because seriously. Seriously.
O Holy Night
Martina McBride
O Holy Night is basically the standard favorite Christmas song, which is not at all undeserved. Martina is of course fabulous and I think it's safe to say that country artists generally just do traditional Christmas hymns better. I don't know what it is but Santa just smiles on Nashville.
Sleigh Ride
Hilary Duff
Lizzie McGuire is every white girl's spirit animal and Sleigh Ride is just so fun! I have a theory that this song inspired What Does the Fox Say (ring ting tingling any bells?)
My Only Wish (This Year)
Britney Spears
It's Britney Grinch. Because nothing says white girl quite like Britney. And this song is great at capturing that holiday spirit of "everyone is in love but me and I'm pretty freakin tired of it" that we all know and loathe.
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Mariah Carey
If anyone deserves to be on this album twice it's Mimi. And I think it's clear that Baby Please Come Home is a must for any holiday playlist. If you haven't belted the line "baby please come home!" at someone important to you on at least a dozen occasions, you should probably reevaluate your life at this point. I can wait.
Last Christmas
Taylor Swift
Us white girls unanimously elected Taylor Swift our fearless (see what I did there?) leader ages ago, so naturally her cover of this Christmas classic made the list. Most people I know either love it or hate it (they hate it), but this song is here to stay, unlike Taylor's boyfriends.
I Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You
'N Sync
Because what is the one thing 90s white girls loved more than Britney? Justin! Fun fact, this broke the world record for longest song title. But seriously, I constantly find myself singing "I don't wanna light a fire" before I remind myself that this is actually a Christmas song and therefore inappropriate to sing at a synagogue in June. It only happened twice but my bad.
Little Drummer Boy
Josh Groban
Josh is receiving honorable mention because while there are few artists today more "white girl" than Mr. Groban, I think I speak for everyone when I say I will not soon forgive him for not recognizing the perfection that is Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love. Am I right?
All I Want For Christmas is You
Mariah Carey
Because Mariah Carey is like the queen of Christmas and this album (that she wrote) broke so many records it's insane. She wrote this song that we all attempt to sing knowing good and well only angels can hit those high notes. All I want for Christmas is to be Mariah Carey.
Baby It's Cold Outside
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone
Zooey is an idol among white girls and this song was forever solidified as a Christmas classic in Elf. You really must know at least some of the lyrics. Plus, the scene in the movie is totally the same as the shower scene in Pitch Perfect. Just let that sink in.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Glee Cast
The Glee Christmas album is probably one of the best things to ever happen to me and I couldn't have cared less about this song until hearing the Glee girls' version. Santana, Mercedes, Rachel and even Quinn make this song. You will forever sing this stylized version and get weird looks in church, but it's more than worth it.
Cold December Night
Michael Buble
Michael Buble's Christmas album has impacted my life in a very positive way. Not very well-known but this songs gets major props for being something you can sing all throughout December (Ha! As if I don't sing any Christmas song I want from September through January.) I mean he just wants someone to fall in love with him. I volunteer as tribute!
Where Are You Christmas
Faith Hill
In all honesty, I hate this song but recognize it as an important addition to this list due to it's connection to How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Faith Hill, Cindy Lou Who, and all things white girl. I also find it useful to belt the title around exam time because seriously. Seriously.
O Holy Night
Martina McBride
O Holy Night is basically the standard favorite Christmas song, which is not at all undeserved. Martina is of course fabulous and I think it's safe to say that country artists generally just do traditional Christmas hymns better. I don't know what it is but Santa just smiles on Nashville.
Sleigh Ride
Hilary Duff
Lizzie McGuire is every white girl's spirit animal and Sleigh Ride is just so fun! I have a theory that this song inspired What Does the Fox Say (ring ting tingling any bells?)
My Only Wish (This Year)
Britney Spears
It's Britney Grinch. Because nothing says white girl quite like Britney. And this song is great at capturing that holiday spirit of "everyone is in love but me and I'm pretty freakin tired of it" that we all know and loathe.
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Mariah Carey
If anyone deserves to be on this album twice it's Mimi. And I think it's clear that Baby Please Come Home is a must for any holiday playlist. If you haven't belted the line "baby please come home!" at someone important to you on at least a dozen occasions, you should probably reevaluate your life at this point. I can wait.
Last Christmas
Taylor Swift
Us white girls unanimously elected Taylor Swift our fearless (see what I did there?) leader ages ago, so naturally her cover of this Christmas classic made the list. Most people I know either love it or hate it (they hate it), but this song is here to stay, unlike Taylor's boyfriends.
I Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You
'N Sync
Because what is the one thing 90s white girls loved more than Britney? Justin! Fun fact, this broke the world record for longest song title. But seriously, I constantly find myself singing "I don't wanna light a fire" before I remind myself that this is actually a Christmas song and therefore inappropriate to sing at a synagogue in June. It only happened twice but my bad.
Little Drummer Boy
Josh Groban
Josh is receiving honorable mention because while there are few artists today more "white girl" than Mr. Groban, I think I speak for everyone when I say I will not soon forgive him for not recognizing the perfection that is Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love. Am I right?
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Recently Used Emojis Are the Window to the Soul
In the olden days of the twentieth century, people used to snoop around in each others' medicine cabinets when they wanted to learn more about someone. These days, we all have a Xanax prescription or seven lying around so the art of stalking has had to step it up. Now online stalking generally gets the job done, but there are still some things (granted, very few things) that individuals may not want the entire internet to know (prudes). If you want to find out what someone is really hiding, you need only look at his or her recently used emojis to forget more about them than the NSA will ever know.
Here is a list I've started of what emojis say about the person who frequently uses them.
Sass Girl
White girl.
Heart Eyes
Uses the word "love" wayyyyy to much. (Guilty.)
LOL Tears
Finds themselves much funnier than they actually are. (This is me.)
Single Tear
Can't decide which of the million other sad faces is best, sticks with this guy.
Kissy Face
Thinks they have a lot of "best friends".
SMILING SO HARD
REALLY HAPPY AND REALLY AWKWARD.
Shades
Finds themselves very chill. (I'm looking at you Carol!)
Smirks
Desperately wants their friends to understand that they are being clever. (Me.)
Asian Face
Has friends that are frequently ridiculous and therefore deserving of an Asian face.
Dancing Sisters
Considers everyone their best friend. Possibly a sorority girl.
American Flag
Awesome.
Any Other Flag
Traitor!
Bow
Girly girl. May or may not have a princess complex.
Hearts
Again, "loves" everything. Friends. Dogs. Lattes. Roadkill.
Cute Whale
Uses the pun "Oh whale" a lot, therefore a fantastic individual.
Fiesta Chica
Equal parts sassy and spicy.
Gun
Melodramatically threatens suicide frequently.
Open Book
Addicted to Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, Divergent, or all of the above.
School Books
Nerd. When it comes to school, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.
Balls
Sports fanatic OR girl who wants guys to think she knows/cares who Ray Allen is.
Food
Chicken nuggets are like your family. This is not wrong.
Here is a list I've started of what emojis say about the person who frequently uses them.
Sass Girl
White girl.
Heart Eyes
Uses the word "love" wayyyyy to much. (Guilty.)
LOL Tears
Finds themselves much funnier than they actually are. (This is me.)
Single Tear
Can't decide which of the million other sad faces is best, sticks with this guy.
Kissy Face
Thinks they have a lot of "best friends".
SMILING SO HARD
REALLY HAPPY AND REALLY AWKWARD.
Shades
Finds themselves very chill. (I'm looking at you Carol!)
Smirks
Desperately wants their friends to understand that they are being clever. (Me.)
Asian Face
Has friends that are frequently ridiculous and therefore deserving of an Asian face.
Dancing Sisters
Considers everyone their best friend. Possibly a sorority girl.
American Flag
Awesome.
Any Other Flag
Traitor!
Bow
Girly girl. May or may not have a princess complex.
Hearts
Again, "loves" everything. Friends. Dogs. Lattes. Roadkill.
Cute Whale
Uses the pun "Oh whale" a lot, therefore a fantastic individual.
Fiesta Chica
Equal parts sassy and spicy.
Gun
Melodramatically threatens suicide frequently.
Open Book
Addicted to Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, Divergent, or all of the above.
School Books
Nerd. When it comes to school, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.
Balls
Sports fanatic OR girl who wants guys to think she knows/cares who Ray Allen is.
Food
Chicken nuggets are like your family. This is not wrong.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Thanksgetting
If you live in one of the countries that celebrate Thanksgiving, which you should because America is one such country, you are probably more than ready for tomorrow (unless of course you are a female between the ages of 16 and 86, because then you are required by national law to cook something).
Thanksgiving is often forgotten between the madness of Halloween and the magic of Christmas. I too am guilty of forgetting that November exists as anything other than a roadblock to Christmas break. But then every year someone around you goes on a shpeil about how materialistic our society is and how the pilgrims would be ashamed of us.
Well you know what? I'm a little ashamed of them too, have y'all seen The Crucible? Those pilgrims weren't all smiles and sharing and my buckle, your buckle. They turned on each other in a hot second as soon as witchcraft got involved. So forget what the pilgrims say and just remember, for everything that you get this week, make sure to give something in return.
Getting Giving
Asked countless personal questions ... Answers that are equal parts sassy and sarcastic.
To share a bathroom with brothers ... Them all deodorant for Christmas.
Up extra early for Black Friday ... Everyone lotion for Christmas because of a deal.
A million new recipes from everyone ... Them to your mom, because really?
So full you can't move for 2 football games ... Away leftovers because you can't look at turkey.
To take 3 naps in one day ... Yourself serious bedhead.
So annoyed at Tom Brady and his fans ... Multiple high fives when the Panthers score.
Out all the Christmas decorations ... Everyone an earful of your fave Christmas tunes.
Sick of everyone asking for your list ... Them 6 pages anyways cause you want it all.
Tired of so much family time ... Huge goodbye hugs because you still love them!
Thanksgiving is often forgotten between the madness of Halloween and the magic of Christmas. I too am guilty of forgetting that November exists as anything other than a roadblock to Christmas break. But then every year someone around you goes on a shpeil about how materialistic our society is and how the pilgrims would be ashamed of us.
Well you know what? I'm a little ashamed of them too, have y'all seen The Crucible? Those pilgrims weren't all smiles and sharing and my buckle, your buckle. They turned on each other in a hot second as soon as witchcraft got involved. So forget what the pilgrims say and just remember, for everything that you get this week, make sure to give something in return.
Getting Giving
Asked countless personal questions ... Answers that are equal parts sassy and sarcastic.
To share a bathroom with brothers ... Them all deodorant for Christmas.
Up extra early for Black Friday ... Everyone lotion for Christmas because of a deal.
A million new recipes from everyone ... Them to your mom, because really?
So full you can't move for 2 football games ... Away leftovers because you can't look at turkey.
To take 3 naps in one day ... Yourself serious bedhead.
So annoyed at Tom Brady and his fans ... Multiple high fives when the Panthers score.
Out all the Christmas decorations ... Everyone an earful of your fave Christmas tunes.
Sick of everyone asking for your list ... Them 6 pages anyways cause you want it all.
Tired of so much family time ... Huge goodbye hugs because you still love them!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Instagram For Dummies
I've already done one post about appropriate Instagram etiquitte, but I feel that it is necessary that I add a part duex. This is partially because Instagram is my favorite social media site, so I want to keep it sacred. I don't have a Facebook and Twitter stalking can only go so far. A person's Instagram can reveal a lot of information about them. Mainly, if someone is doing any of the things on this list, you don't wanna be friends with them.
Keep in mind, these are just the things that annoy ME personally on Instagram. I still follow people who do one or all of the following. I'm sure there are at least 50 people out there right now thinking "Rachel is so annoying on Instagram, she likes all my pictures, she uses too many pic stitches, she Instagrams too many crafts." And that's fine because as my hero, Carrie Bradshaw, once said - the only critique that really matters is the one you give yourself. And I give myself an F for Fabulous!
Private Instagrams
I think I speak for everyone when I say, ain't nobody got time fo dat. You might think you have a good reason for having a private Instagram. I don't want my ex to have access to it, I like to control who sees photos of my cats, I have a stalker, I'm in the witness protection program, I work for the CIA. Yawwwwwwwn. The thing about private Instagrams is I know when you let me follow you and don't follow me back. I know you've seen my profile and made the conscious decision to not follow me back. So I'm obviously gonna look through all your posts and then unfollow you. Cause really.
Instagramming Tweets
If I cared what you were tweeting, I would follow you on Twitter. And if I do follow you on Twitter, I've already seen it. Screenshot is one of the greatest gifts people of the twenty-first century have been given, so use it wisely folks. Don't waste it on taking pictures of your own tweets to then share on Instagram. With great power, comes great responsibility.
Instagramming Notes of General Questions
Again, this is another case of someone not using their screenshots wisely. If you have some random question you want answered, Twitter or Facebook is fine. Hey, as long as it doesn't include me, start a group message, I don't care. But when you type out a note on your phone that says something like "Anyone have a Snuggie I can borrow?" you cross 2 lines. Line 1 - don't ask this over Instagram. Line 2 - get your own Snuggie. Also...how do you people get likes on those posts? Cause who really likes that? #Baffled
Following Back
This is of course a matter of personal taste, some people refuse to follow anyone back, some people will follow anyone. It's a delicate balance. I just want it known that if you do not follow me back, I am going to unfollow you. If you unfollow me and I realize it, I am going to unfollow you. You won't know when it's coming, but it will come. Obviously you aren't obligated to follow strangers but I think we've all had that awkward conversation at the supper table when you ask your mom why she didn't follow you back. My general rule is if I see you in person and don't immediately turn and start walking in the opposite direction, I will follow you back.
Hashtags
#Oh #My #Gosh Why is this so hard for some people? Among my least favorite are #followforfollow #likesforlikes #FoodPorn and #nom. I also hate when people proceed to hashtag literally every word they just said in their caption. Also, #ThrowBackThursday is often misused. You can't have a throwback to something from last week. My words to live by are 364 days, does not a throwback make, wait a year for a throwback to reappear.
Consistency
As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to social media consistency is key. Nowhere is this more apparent than on Instagram. Consistency doesn't mean posting everyday, but you should at least check Instagram regularly. We've all been there, you make a new friend, go to follow them on Insta and you see they have about 5 posts and the last one was from 10 weeks ago. Now you don't know what do to. You don't want to follow them and sit there for months waiting for them to open their app. Your followers deserve better.
Food
I really really hate seeing people Instagram their every meal. If I were to Instagram everything I ate, I would be placed in Instagram jail for posting too much in 24 hours and my profile would look like the official Instagram of Wendy's. There are some times it is okay to Instagram food. If you made whatever meal/dessert/snack yourself, it is okay to share said creation. If your friends made you a birthday cake or you spot some really cute holiday-themed food. Other than that, if I wanna see pics of grilled trout I will go to foodnetwork.com, not Instagram.
Pets
Perfectly ok to Instagram pictures of your adorable animals. Not ok if when looking at your profile I can't tell that it actually belongs to a human. That being said, there are a few species that require round-the-clock Instagram exposure: pomskies, otters, miniature animals, hedgehogs. So if you own one of those feel free to continuously upload pics and send them to me directly via email if you so wish.
Multiple #MCMs or #WCWs
They're like shopping sprees people, you only get one a week! If John Stamos is your man candy (as he should be) then he is your man candy! Don't make him share the spotlight with 3 other guys. And come Wednesday when Ariana Grande is your woman crush, don't also upload pics of Jennifer Lawrence and Christina Hendricks. I can only take in so much physical perfection at a time.
Keep in mind, these are just the things that annoy ME personally on Instagram. I still follow people who do one or all of the following. I'm sure there are at least 50 people out there right now thinking "Rachel is so annoying on Instagram, she likes all my pictures, she uses too many pic stitches, she Instagrams too many crafts." And that's fine because as my hero, Carrie Bradshaw, once said - the only critique that really matters is the one you give yourself. And I give myself an F for Fabulous!
Private Instagrams
I think I speak for everyone when I say, ain't nobody got time fo dat. You might think you have a good reason for having a private Instagram. I don't want my ex to have access to it, I like to control who sees photos of my cats, I have a stalker, I'm in the witness protection program, I work for the CIA. Yawwwwwwwn. The thing about private Instagrams is I know when you let me follow you and don't follow me back. I know you've seen my profile and made the conscious decision to not follow me back. So I'm obviously gonna look through all your posts and then unfollow you. Cause really.
Instagramming Tweets
If I cared what you were tweeting, I would follow you on Twitter. And if I do follow you on Twitter, I've already seen it. Screenshot is one of the greatest gifts people of the twenty-first century have been given, so use it wisely folks. Don't waste it on taking pictures of your own tweets to then share on Instagram. With great power, comes great responsibility.
Instagramming Notes of General Questions
Again, this is another case of someone not using their screenshots wisely. If you have some random question you want answered, Twitter or Facebook is fine. Hey, as long as it doesn't include me, start a group message, I don't care. But when you type out a note on your phone that says something like "Anyone have a Snuggie I can borrow?" you cross 2 lines. Line 1 - don't ask this over Instagram. Line 2 - get your own Snuggie. Also...how do you people get likes on those posts? Cause who really likes that? #Baffled
Following Back
This is of course a matter of personal taste, some people refuse to follow anyone back, some people will follow anyone. It's a delicate balance. I just want it known that if you do not follow me back, I am going to unfollow you. If you unfollow me and I realize it, I am going to unfollow you. You won't know when it's coming, but it will come. Obviously you aren't obligated to follow strangers but I think we've all had that awkward conversation at the supper table when you ask your mom why she didn't follow you back. My general rule is if I see you in person and don't immediately turn and start walking in the opposite direction, I will follow you back.
Hashtags
#Oh #My #Gosh Why is this so hard for some people? Among my least favorite are #followforfollow #likesforlikes #FoodPorn and #nom. I also hate when people proceed to hashtag literally every word they just said in their caption. Also, #ThrowBackThursday is often misused. You can't have a throwback to something from last week. My words to live by are 364 days, does not a throwback make, wait a year for a throwback to reappear.
Consistency
As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to social media consistency is key. Nowhere is this more apparent than on Instagram. Consistency doesn't mean posting everyday, but you should at least check Instagram regularly. We've all been there, you make a new friend, go to follow them on Insta and you see they have about 5 posts and the last one was from 10 weeks ago. Now you don't know what do to. You don't want to follow them and sit there for months waiting for them to open their app. Your followers deserve better.
Food
I really really hate seeing people Instagram their every meal. If I were to Instagram everything I ate, I would be placed in Instagram jail for posting too much in 24 hours and my profile would look like the official Instagram of Wendy's. There are some times it is okay to Instagram food. If you made whatever meal/dessert/snack yourself, it is okay to share said creation. If your friends made you a birthday cake or you spot some really cute holiday-themed food. Other than that, if I wanna see pics of grilled trout I will go to foodnetwork.com, not Instagram.
Pets
Perfectly ok to Instagram pictures of your adorable animals. Not ok if when looking at your profile I can't tell that it actually belongs to a human. That being said, there are a few species that require round-the-clock Instagram exposure: pomskies, otters, miniature animals, hedgehogs. So if you own one of those feel free to continuously upload pics and send them to me directly via email if you so wish.
Multiple #MCMs or #WCWs
They're like shopping sprees people, you only get one a week! If John Stamos is your man candy (as he should be) then he is your man candy! Don't make him share the spotlight with 3 other guys. And come Wednesday when Ariana Grande is your woman crush, don't also upload pics of Jennifer Lawrence and Christina Hendricks. I can only take in so much physical perfection at a time.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Christmas Season Waits for No One
There are many who say that Christmas season can't really start until December, or the first snow, or after Labor Day or other arbitrary deadlines. Those people are on my naughty list. I used to save the Christmas music for the day after Thanksgiving, but then the Glee Christmas album came out. Nowadays, I officially welcome the Christmas season on November 1st but I've been known to belt a line or 2 of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman and wear Christmas socks as early as mid-September. Basically, as soon as I decide it's not summer anymore, it needs to be Christmas.
Celebrating the Christmas season early lets me spend the day after Thanksgiving, which used to be reserved for spreading Christmas cheer, in other ways. Such as Black Friday, the fourth most magical day of the year behind the 4th of July, Christmas, and my birthday. I am a recent convert to Black Friday (or African American Friday, depending on who you're talking to). My mother used to not be a big shopper...that probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was a teenager then and to be fair I was completely miserable to shop with. I wanted all the things. Not much has changed, but now I have my own money. Of course I am still not a very fun shopping partner. Most of the time I just follow whoever I'm with around, which drives my mother crazy. But people continue to invite me to go shopping with them because I'm good at math. (Which exemplifies the life lesson everyone has to learn at some point, there comes a time when you will have to start tricking people into being your friends. But we will discuss that another day.)
I have found many a killer deal on Black Fridays. A few Black Fridays ago I bought the entire Sex and the City series on DVD for $8 each. In the past I've found some of my favorite movies for $2, sweaters for $4 and tank tops for $1, the list goes on an on (and so do the receipts). And let's not forget last year, when I met the love of my life. My iPhone.
So if you want to experience the full wonder of Black Friday like me, you need to start ringing in the yuletide a little early this year. Some things are a must to make it apparent to all of your friends and mainly your roommates that you have decided it is Christmas season...and there's no going back. So don't fight it, just enjoy. First, you have to start playing Christmas music. Then watch Elf, The Grinch and Home Alone once a week. If they groan, or ask you to turn it off, just cross them off your list of people to buy for.
Which brings me to another point...I love the commercialization of Christmas just as much as anyone else, but it is important to remember the reason behind the holiday. God gave humanity the greatest gift ever given when He sent His son to die for us. No matter who you are or what you've done, God loves you more than you can comprehend. When I was younger I thought Christmas was the worldwide celebration of my cousin Brittany's birthday since she was born on December 25th and was obviously (and obnoxiously, if you ask me) everyone's favorite. (It was a very complicated pregnancy, which led to my family's remix of Mary Did You Know? "Julia did you know? That your baby girl, would try to take your life? Julia did you know? That you would throw up, over 200 times?") But I digress. My point here is that if you are adamant about refusing to believe in my Lord and Savior, should I be expected to get you an expensive gift celebrating His birth? I think not. Of course, I love giving presents so much that I will inevitably get you a gift anyways I just want it known that I do this out of the goodness of my heart (where the Jesus you mock lives, none the less) and not out of respect for cultural norms that reward your disbelief.
Oddly enough, I still end up getting Christmas gifts for approximately millions of people. My mother has been telling me for years that I need to stop wasting my money on presents for people who don't care about me. I can't help that I'm a giver. I will admit, if there was an Over Givers Anonymous group I would have to join. I always go over budget on Christmas presents. I use the terms "best friend" "love" and "more than life itself" way too frequently, but in the words of a great philosopher, Taylor Swift, "all you need to do to be my friend is like me" but even that doesn't cover it because there are people who I consider my friends who I'm pretty sure hate me.
Bottom line. If being too full of Christmas spirit is naughty, I don't wanna be nice.
Celebrating the Christmas season early lets me spend the day after Thanksgiving, which used to be reserved for spreading Christmas cheer, in other ways. Such as Black Friday, the fourth most magical day of the year behind the 4th of July, Christmas, and my birthday. I am a recent convert to Black Friday (or African American Friday, depending on who you're talking to). My mother used to not be a big shopper...that probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was a teenager then and to be fair I was completely miserable to shop with. I wanted all the things. Not much has changed, but now I have my own money. Of course I am still not a very fun shopping partner. Most of the time I just follow whoever I'm with around, which drives my mother crazy. But people continue to invite me to go shopping with them because I'm good at math. (Which exemplifies the life lesson everyone has to learn at some point, there comes a time when you will have to start tricking people into being your friends. But we will discuss that another day.)
I have found many a killer deal on Black Fridays. A few Black Fridays ago I bought the entire Sex and the City series on DVD for $8 each. In the past I've found some of my favorite movies for $2, sweaters for $4 and tank tops for $1, the list goes on an on (and so do the receipts). And let's not forget last year, when I met the love of my life. My iPhone.
So if you want to experience the full wonder of Black Friday like me, you need to start ringing in the yuletide a little early this year. Some things are a must to make it apparent to all of your friends and mainly your roommates that you have decided it is Christmas season...and there's no going back. So don't fight it, just enjoy. First, you have to start playing Christmas music. Then watch Elf, The Grinch and Home Alone once a week. If they groan, or ask you to turn it off, just cross them off your list of people to buy for.
Which brings me to another point...I love the commercialization of Christmas just as much as anyone else, but it is important to remember the reason behind the holiday. God gave humanity the greatest gift ever given when He sent His son to die for us. No matter who you are or what you've done, God loves you more than you can comprehend. When I was younger I thought Christmas was the worldwide celebration of my cousin Brittany's birthday since she was born on December 25th and was obviously (and obnoxiously, if you ask me) everyone's favorite. (It was a very complicated pregnancy, which led to my family's remix of Mary Did You Know? "Julia did you know? That your baby girl, would try to take your life? Julia did you know? That you would throw up, over 200 times?") But I digress. My point here is that if you are adamant about refusing to believe in my Lord and Savior, should I be expected to get you an expensive gift celebrating His birth? I think not. Of course, I love giving presents so much that I will inevitably get you a gift anyways I just want it known that I do this out of the goodness of my heart (where the Jesus you mock lives, none the less) and not out of respect for cultural norms that reward your disbelief.
Oddly enough, I still end up getting Christmas gifts for approximately millions of people. My mother has been telling me for years that I need to stop wasting my money on presents for people who don't care about me. I can't help that I'm a giver. I will admit, if there was an Over Givers Anonymous group I would have to join. I always go over budget on Christmas presents. I use the terms "best friend" "love" and "more than life itself" way too frequently, but in the words of a great philosopher, Taylor Swift, "all you need to do to be my friend is like me" but even that doesn't cover it because there are people who I consider my friends who I'm pretty sure hate me.
Bottom line. If being too full of Christmas spirit is naughty, I don't wanna be nice.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Filtered: Coming Soon to a Bookstore Nowhere Near You
Happy Hunger Games! It's officially November and that means we are mere weeks away from the midnight premiere of Catching Fire and I'm so excited I could die. But I won't. I don't know what inspired this new trend of futuristic/dystopian fiction, but I love it. I read Divergent in 2 days and when I finished it I felt like I had nothing left to live for. (If you don't lose your will to live after the last page, was it really a good book?) Anyways, I love this new genre so much that I am in the process of writing my own called Filtered, and I of course had to give a sneak peak on White Girl Wednesday.
Before the preview, I want to explain the concept behind this soon to be New York Times Best Seller. Filtered is a satirical parody of how obsessed people are with social media these days. You have your Twitter addicts, the Tumblrs, the Facebook stalkers. And then there are the Instafamous. I know some people on Instagram who could upload a picture of them vomiting and get 100 likes in 5 minutes. Me, I could Instagram a picture of me on my wedding day (jokes) and get maybe 3 likes (if I can convince my brothers to get Instagrams). I could call my house phone every hour on the hour and my family would screen my calls because they would rather text but I post a picture with a cute guy and next thing you know my mother remembers she has a daughter. Filtered's intention is to show how giving this much technology and access to the internet to children is probably the worst thing to happen to parenting since Ritalin.
Filtered. Introduction.
In the fictional country of Sociamedia, people are split into social classes based on their Instagram filter of choice.These classes lead to a semi-hierarchy. At the age you get your first iPhone, you are given one month to decide the filter that will define your life. There are 20 different filters to choose from, but there always a few who choose to live their lives unfiltered. (Dun dun dun! Yes, I am already working on a screen play for the film that is sure to come. Steven Spielberg, if you are reading this, I want Morgan Freeman to narrate. Obviously.)
The classes form alliances based on similarities. The slightly filtered classes work well together, those include Hudsons, Nashvilles, Waldens and Earlybirds. This bunch gets along best with the No Filters. The light filters of Amaros, Rises, Valencias and Sierra group together in opposition to the dark filters of X-Pro IIs, Lo-Fis, Sutros, Brannans and Hefes. The sepia-style filters, Mayfairs, Toasters, 1977s and Kelvins (although let's be real, who really uses Kelvin?) don't get along with the Black and White Filters, Willows and Inkwells.
There are ongoing battles between the Sepias and the B&Ws. There are ongoing battles between the Lights and the Darks. And the Slights and the No Filters struggle to survive the constant turbulence.
In the small town of Hashtag, located on the eastern coast of Sociamedia, Asher and Story are quickly approaching their 8th birthday. Both of their parents have promised them iPhones on their shared birthday of July 7th. (Because parents these days think it is normal to give toddlers hundreds of dollars worth of technology as a present for learning how to walk. Before we know it babies will be uploading their own pics #myfirsttooth #instavid #rolledover #firstword #likesfornotcrying.) The children in Sociamedia text before they can talk, the spoken language is slowly dying out.
Asher and Story have been best friends for as long as they remember. Their parents are all Lights and all best friends. Story can't imagine her world changing, she loves everything about being a Light. And as long as she and Asher both remain Lights, the world is theirs. Asher and Story make a pact that no matter what happens in their Processing Period, they will both choose to remain Lights.
But everything changes at the Uploading Ceremony, where Story realizes she would rather continue life as a Slight. Can one letter really change her life all that much? Little does she know Asher has also changed his fate and decided to switch to the No Filters.
Asher and Story are now a part of the Slight and No Filter Alliance. The SNA is an underground group that has been slowly working on a way to remove the class hierarchy in Sociamedia for decades. Asher and Story both produce promising work in the SNA over their adolescent years, with many small victories along the way. But when they both turn 20, they learn that they can't legally marry since they are not of the same Filter class. They both decide that the SNA's plan will take too long, too many lives will be paused, unable to upload in the process. Instead of sitting there to buffer, the couple take matters into their own hands.
But is true love worth giving up their Instagram profiles? Is life off the social media grid freeing and independent or lonely and isolated?
Only time will tell.
Before the preview, I want to explain the concept behind this soon to be New York Times Best Seller. Filtered is a satirical parody of how obsessed people are with social media these days. You have your Twitter addicts, the Tumblrs, the Facebook stalkers. And then there are the Instafamous. I know some people on Instagram who could upload a picture of them vomiting and get 100 likes in 5 minutes. Me, I could Instagram a picture of me on my wedding day (jokes) and get maybe 3 likes (if I can convince my brothers to get Instagrams). I could call my house phone every hour on the hour and my family would screen my calls because they would rather text but I post a picture with a cute guy and next thing you know my mother remembers she has a daughter. Filtered's intention is to show how giving this much technology and access to the internet to children is probably the worst thing to happen to parenting since Ritalin.
Filtered. Introduction.
In the fictional country of Sociamedia, people are split into social classes based on their Instagram filter of choice.These classes lead to a semi-hierarchy. At the age you get your first iPhone, you are given one month to decide the filter that will define your life. There are 20 different filters to choose from, but there always a few who choose to live their lives unfiltered. (Dun dun dun! Yes, I am already working on a screen play for the film that is sure to come. Steven Spielberg, if you are reading this, I want Morgan Freeman to narrate. Obviously.)
The classes form alliances based on similarities. The slightly filtered classes work well together, those include Hudsons, Nashvilles, Waldens and Earlybirds. This bunch gets along best with the No Filters. The light filters of Amaros, Rises, Valencias and Sierra group together in opposition to the dark filters of X-Pro IIs, Lo-Fis, Sutros, Brannans and Hefes. The sepia-style filters, Mayfairs, Toasters, 1977s and Kelvins (although let's be real, who really uses Kelvin?) don't get along with the Black and White Filters, Willows and Inkwells.
There are ongoing battles between the Sepias and the B&Ws. There are ongoing battles between the Lights and the Darks. And the Slights and the No Filters struggle to survive the constant turbulence.
In the small town of Hashtag, located on the eastern coast of Sociamedia, Asher and Story are quickly approaching their 8th birthday. Both of their parents have promised them iPhones on their shared birthday of July 7th. (Because parents these days think it is normal to give toddlers hundreds of dollars worth of technology as a present for learning how to walk. Before we know it babies will be uploading their own pics #myfirsttooth #instavid #rolledover #firstword #likesfornotcrying.) The children in Sociamedia text before they can talk, the spoken language is slowly dying out.
Asher and Story have been best friends for as long as they remember. Their parents are all Lights and all best friends. Story can't imagine her world changing, she loves everything about being a Light. And as long as she and Asher both remain Lights, the world is theirs. Asher and Story make a pact that no matter what happens in their Processing Period, they will both choose to remain Lights.
But everything changes at the Uploading Ceremony, where Story realizes she would rather continue life as a Slight. Can one letter really change her life all that much? Little does she know Asher has also changed his fate and decided to switch to the No Filters.
Asher and Story are now a part of the Slight and No Filter Alliance. The SNA is an underground group that has been slowly working on a way to remove the class hierarchy in Sociamedia for decades. Asher and Story both produce promising work in the SNA over their adolescent years, with many small victories along the way. But when they both turn 20, they learn that they can't legally marry since they are not of the same Filter class. They both decide that the SNA's plan will take too long, too many lives will be paused, unable to upload in the process. Instead of sitting there to buffer, the couple take matters into their own hands.
But is true love worth giving up their Instagram profiles? Is life off the social media grid freeing and independent or lonely and isolated?
Only time will tell.
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