Co-Parenting

It's unsolicited advice corner with Rachel Daniel! My friend Jessica was asking for children's book recommendations for her daughter Vada. As I recommended some classics from my childhood (Coraline, Lord of the Flies, Misery and The Little Mermaid - the original) I realized...I am GREAT at parenting advice! So why not share the wealth? This week I am giving you some of my top notch parenting tips from literature to fashion to travel. Think of me as your co-parent. You're welcome.

The Pout-Pout Fish is a children's book where this fish is just like a major bummer until another fish kisses him and then he's like flexin on everyone. Not a very good message to send our children. BUTTTTTT Goosebumps on the other hand...there's a Goosebumps book for every situation! Does your kid keep begging to go to some expensive summer camp? Have them read Welcome to Camp Nightmare! Are they asking you every day when they can get a dog? Time to check out The Barking Ghost. Is your child for some reason obsessed with collecting garden ornaments? Maybe they should read Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes.

Here's some good news about being a parent - instead of paying $99 for your DNA results AND another $99 for your partner's, you can just use the kid. It's like a BOGO honestly. An added bonus is that it becomes that much harder for the government to pin a crime on you. They only have half your DNA. Suckers. However, I would not recommend this if you have any paternity drama.

Baby crap is expensive. Why blow 50 bucks on a baby beach tent that will be rendered useless in a few years when you could spend way more than that to get a cooler you can use forever? Will your kid always fit in a 4ft x 4ft tent? No. Will they always want cold beverages? Yes. Cut out the middle man and put that baby right in the empty cooler.

Parents need snacks. Sometimes they don't have time for meals at all and have to rely on snack after snack to keep going. Instead of shelling out dozens on protein bars and granola and let's be real...fast food, try puffs! Mama's happy, baby's happy. Puffs are a snack you can share with your kid and 60 of those guys equals 25 calories. We're gonna lose that baby weight together!

Do you think coffins are ridiculously expensive? Because I do. Especially baby coffins. Save money by purchasing vaccines instead.

Gender neutral baby clothing is slowly but surely infiltrating the predominately pink and blue infant textiles market. I don't think that companies are trying to reinforce traditional gender roles but I do think they're trying to reinforce their own pockets by making parents of both genders to re-buy clothes and toys and supplies with their second child. A friend of mine kept the gender of their baby secret until AFTER the baby shower so they wouldn't get only pink/blue items and still didn't do that annoying nonsense of keeping the gender/name secret.

Babies are smarter than they used to be. Toy phones don't really work anymore. The second your baby realizes that the bright green rectangle you just handed them is a toy and not the iPhone 11, they're over it. So give them an old droid instead. Of course if your baby is already an influencer this won't work but taste doesn't develop until 5 months so I bought you some time.

My dad always said that counting to 3 is a terrible tactic if your kid is running in the parking lot. I agree. So instead of counting I recommend a stricter technique. Or literally any technique that won't turn your kid into roadkill. Supernanny fan? Try a naughty spot. Anglophobe? A good old fashioned time out will work too. Is your kid old enough (or cool enough) to have friends other than you? Ground them. And you know...there's always spankings.

Do you really want to watch your child wait for a lightbulb to cook a baked good? And do you want to spend $30 on that lightbulb? I didn't think so. Brownie and cake mixes are like a dollar each. Teach your kid to use the regular oven as soon as possible. And even more importantly, teach them to turn it OFF when they are done. We're still working with Colby on that.

Let's just face it. If your kid is into Frozen, they are going to be asking for every Elsa and Anna tchotchke they see...which will be a lot. So introduce them to some older, obscure G-rated titles like The Thief and the Cobbler and you will NEVER have to worry about a Target meltdown because NO ONE is making The Thief and the Cobbler toys. Aladdin owns that market.

I think we've all seen onesies with some cringey sayings on them. I particularly hate the ones that say "heartbreaker" and stuff like that. Why would you want your child to break hearts? How about we hope for our children to go up to be respectful men who treat women as equals? What's more punk rock than that?

Ring Around the Rosie is rumored to be about a plague-associated rash. Luckily, we are not currently facing a plague pandemic so I would recommend switching to a more realistic disease. This day and age, Miss Me With Those Measles is much more au cuorant than a children's song about buboes. 

Honestly this isn't just for kids, I want one of these too. Instead of spending your hard-earned cash on some trendy suitcase that your kid will outgrow next month, get a scooter suitcase! Fads come and go but I promise your child will never outgrow avoiding physical activity. Luggage is expensive so these are around 100 bucks, but that LOL suitcase on the left is probably 1,000 by my estimation. That LOL crap is so expensive! Blakeley asked for some LOL disco winter palace thing for Christmas that is over $200. And I really did LOL at that.

Mahomie

Today my brother Patrick turned 22. He is officially twice as cool as the average 11 year old. And about half as smart. So this week, White Girl Wednesday is celebrating him by sharing 22 Patrick stories that really capture his essence.


1. Every time Patrick goes to the Walmart in Dunn he makes someone take a picture of him on this Pumbaa ride. The first time he saw it he asked for a refund of his 50 cents because instead of playing Hakuna Matata it plays It's a Small World for some God-forsaken reason.


2. My mom describes me and my brothers as the opposite of the characters in The Wizard of Oz. Like we have what they lacked. Colby is the lion because he's the bravest. I am the scarecrow because I'm the smartest. And Patrick is the tin man because he's the kindest. I guess I have to agree with that sentiment.

3. When Patrick was little instead of saying "get the picture?" like the sassy third Olsen triplet, he would say "take a picture" and it irritated me in the 90s but it's kind of adorable to think about now.

4. One time my brother got a new squat max in weight lifting and then had a basketball game that night. He tried to shoot a three pointer and missed the basket by a good two feet and my dad yelled "AIRBALL!"

5. Kool-Aid jammin is Patrick's idea of hurricane prep.


6. At the beach we play a lot of cards and Patrick is always down to cheat with me and one time we were cheating so blatantly that my grandma didn't speak to me for the rest of the night and I texted my grandpa and asked why grandma hated me and he said IDK.

7. A long, long time ago, my mom left me and Patrick with a babysitter who kind of sucked. It was my dad. And he got real tired of us tattling on each other and said the next person to tattle would get a spanking and be sent to bed. So instead of tattling I kept asking my dad when mom would be home. He finally got sick of that and demanded to know why I kept asking. So after making him promise I wouldn't get in trouble, I informed him that Patrick had been coloring on the wall for like 10 minutes. We BOTH got spanked and sent to bed. This is why I have trust issues.

8. Patrick asked for his picture to be posted on r/roastme and someone said that he looked like a gentrified version of Predator which is perfect because Patrick loves that word even though he doesn't know what it means.

9. Back when Patrick was still in high school and Kelsey wasn't at UNCG, we used to all hang out a lot and go to Sanford because what were we gonna do in Goldston? Literally every time we had to decide what to eat Kelsey wanted Cook Out, I wanted McDonald's and Patrick wanted Bojangles'. So we usually went to all 3. Naturally.


10. The last time I heard Patrick speak at his church he said that when he was little he used to keep a record of all the spankings he got and I looked at my mom and said "you're going to jail."

11. One year we made a big family Christmas list and then made copies for everyone. Patrick added diet pills to my wish list and then my grandma and aunts tried to have an intervention with me.

12. Patrick loves going to the movies because he's related to my Aunt Julia and Memaw and because he's still at that age where you have disposable income. He went to see Avengers Infinity War with some friends and one guy hated sitting next to him because Patrick chewed his popcorn too loud. When the same group went to see Avengers Endgame, that guy ended up sitting next to Patrick again so Patrick got a milkshake instead of popcorn. And in the middle of the movie Patrick spilled his milkshake all over the guy's lap.

13. When Patrick was in kindergarten he got in trouble because a girl in his class brought in mouse ears for show and tell and the teacher asked everyone "doesn't she look just like Minnie Mouse?" and Patrick raised his hand and said "no, she does not look like Minnie Mouse." He's always been a savage.

14. Through the years we have really bonded over making fun of and/or threatening Colby.


15. Patrick & I (and to a lesser extent, Colby) love Austin Mahone and really want to get matching sibling tattoos that say Mahomies but Colby refuses because he's lame.

16. In high school English class Patrick was learning about Shakespeare and his teacher asked if they knew any movies that were based on a Shakespearean play like 10 Things I Hate About You or She's the Man and Patrick said Gnomeo & Juliet.

17. One time I went to hear Patrick preach and afterwards I told him that I liked this quote he used and when I repeated it to him he said "Rachel, that's a Bible verse."

18. When I asked if he had any good material for this blogpost this is what I got.


19. I don't get to see Patrick as much since he went to college and one night I was spending the night at my parents' house and didn't know that Patrick was coming home too. When he came in I said "SLEEPOVER!" because I was really excited. Later Patrick said "we're about to watch the new X-Men movie" and I said "who's we?" and he said "um, the we that said 'SLEEPOVER'"and it was really funny.

20. Patrick is obsessed with the NBA and often buys XL youth jerseys because they're so much cheaper. And good for him for still fitting into those. But once he bought a women's jersey because it was a lot cheaper than the men's version and it was super obvious that it was for women, like cap sleeves and fitted waistline and it was great.

21. Along with bonding over making fun of Colby we also bond over loving Colby.


22. My grandpa was a truck driver and would normally have some sort of fast food packaging with him when he came home at night. So Patrick thought that he worked at Bojangles'. Not the dumbest thing he's ever thought.


Happy Birthday Patrick!

Latter Date Saints

I have really done it this time. Last night I had my first real date in a long time. I hadn't put myself out there since before I went to Israel. When I came back without a 90 day fiancé I knew I would have to get back in the game but I really took my time. Pushing 30 is the new black right?

So last night I met a man we will call Donny Osmond. We were dining and chatting and things were going well. I was regaling him with one of my many, many stories about car trouble. I talked about my students and how excited I was for spirit week. I explained my costume day idea and told him that for Wild West Wednesday I planned to dress as an In-N-Out burger or a Mormon. He was quickly realizing just how captivating I am.

I eventually got hungry so I decided to let him have a turn talking. When I needed to eat more than I needed to talk I hit him with the "enough about me, what about you? what do you think of me?" so I could enjoy my club sandwich. He mentioned that I seemed to have a big family, parents and grandparents close by and a younger brother. I had to explain that I have another brother, Patrick apparently just doesn't get as much airtime as Colby does. And when I asked about his family he informed me that he had 7 younger siblings...

...my first thought was that's dope. That sounds like so much fun and I wanted to hear all of their names and learn ages and dynamics. My second though was but why? So staying true to my motto of "into the brain, out of the mouth" I asked "why? Are you Catholic or Mormon or do your parents just not like sleeping?" which I thought was equal parts jaunty and hilarious.

Until he reminded me that he was from Utah. Now at this point I should mention that my eager devouring of Last Podcast on the Left's series on Mormonism likely exacerbated my pre-existing negative sentiment in regards to the Latter Day Saints. But I am first and foremost a religious scholar so I decided to turn it into a learning experience. I mean sure, at this point there was no way we would go on to date and get married and have 12 kids and no caffeine, but that didn't mean the night had to end.

So I started asking questions. My opener was "are you a Romney?" so it turns out I'm wrong, I'm actually first and foremost a comedian.

Next I asked if he watched Sister Wives and he was not familiar with the series so I had to catch him up on one of TLC's finest. I'm a Christine and I have a feeling he might be a Meri so things were super duper not gonna work. Once I asked how many wives he wanted I toned it down a bit as to not be disrespectful. Or should I say as to not be more disrespectful.

I started asking some real content questions. Specifically I wanted to know if he read the Bible and the Book of Mormon, or just the Book of Mormon, or if he just listened to the Book of Mormon soundtrack. He was not familiar with the musical (sacrilege?) and didn't really answer. He asked me which Bible I read and I said "the Holy one" but also elaborated that KJV/NIV/NET/IDC.

I asked what the Mormon stance on vaccines was and he didn't have an answer, so I turned the tables and asked if he had any questions for me. I apologized for mansplaining his religion to him but honestly it seemed like I knew more about Mormonism than he did.

His response to that was "well, you're obviously mocking it" to which I replied "obviously."

I physically couldn't stop myself. Honestly thank God he wasn't a scientologist or so help me Tom Cruise I would have driven home and returned to the restaurant wearing my "Shelly Miscavige is missing" shirt. I promise I tried to rein it in but this date went from good time to hate crime faster than you can say temple garment.

From a lifelong obsession with other religions and true crime, I knew that Mormons are really into DNA research and ancestry.com and all that so I asked if he could trace his lineage to Brigham Young or Joseph Smith. He said no which I feel is impossible...ole Brighy had 56 kids THAT WE KNOW OF.  So maybe he was just being humble?

He kept pointing out that only some fundamentalists practiced polygamy and I assured him I knew that I just found it fascinating since it's a religion so different from mine. Then he kind of tried to pitch Mormonism to me even though he is too old to be on his mission and I am too old to be a Mormon bride (I kid! I kid!).

He explained that he really appreciated the values he was raised with and asked me what exactly I disagreed with about the Mormon faith and I think he honestly expected me to not have an answer.

Here's the thing. You can ask my students. I make up answers all the time. NEVER underestimate me and my refusal to admit to not knowing something.

At this point the gloves had to come off. I began with a surprisingly smug (even for me) "well, actually" and concluded with how offensive I find the fact that the Mormon church claimed to have posthumously baptized Holocaust victims into the Mormon faith. He was also unaware of this practice (was he trolling me?) even though this wasn't some Joseph Smith shenanigan, this happened in the 1990s. While I was listening to my Britney Spears cassette there were Mormons attempting to pray an entire generation of Jews that died of religious persecution into Mormon heaven.

After that things really wound down. Bringing up genocide on a first date really dampens the mood. We parted amicably and the first thing I did when I got into my car after dinner was text my sibling group chat (Patrick, Colby & Patrick's girlfriend). They had so many questions. Colby was really curious as to why I didn't know he was a Mormon before the date. Fair question. His profile said Christian not cult member. How was I to know?

Is Mormonism part of Christianity? Probably depends on who you ask. Was I a real jerk on this date? Probably yes. Am I open to marrying a Mormon? Definitely no. But the tone of this blog is really tongue in cheek and often foot in mouth. I am naturally dramatic IRL and on the page and I can assure you no Mormons were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Daniel School of Grammar

I like to be humble but let's just cut the crap and jump straight to the point, I'm mad decent at grammar. I mean commas, apostrophes, Proper Nouns, I've got it all. I know how to spell words that aren't accomodations and I almost always use the right there. So naturally my brother seeks out my help when he writes papers.

I don't mind helping a brother out. I mean who doesn't want to read 80 pages on practical protestant theology? I suppose this is how my family felt when I spent 2 years studying The Blind Owl and surrealism in Iranian literature. Shockingly not the crowdpleaser that you think it would be.

My issue is this. My brother is HORRIBLE at comma use. I love him. He has redeeming qualities for sure. None that I can think of off the top of my head but they're there. Somewhere. And every time he asks me to edit a paper I know I will be suggesting he delete approximately a thousand commas and that gets real, old, real, fast. So I got creative this time.

First I saved the edited version on my desktop...

...and then I saved my individual edits.

He's not perfect.

And there were several issues beyond the commas.


He's honestly lucky that I was able to give such constructive criticism.


At first I was pretty lenient.


Though I did get more frustrated as the paper went on.


I really tried to teach him how to fish and not just hand him a fish, ya know?


But at a certain point I had to call upon the name of the Lord.


Maybe Patrick would listen to Him?


Perhaps I needed to lay hands on him?


At times I felt nothing would work.


I tried appealing poetically,


logically,


and my personal favorite, dramatically.

But threats didn't work.


In fact, some of my comments may have strengthened his resolve.


Eventually I was just downright curious.


And don't get me wrong, this paper did have its bright spots.


But they were outnumbered by the errors so...


I had to lay down some hard truths.

And a few more threats for good measure.


He did get an A so I think the familial abuse and now cyberbullying were worth it.

God's Chicken

Like many of my fellow southerners, from time to time I find myself in the Chick-fil-A drive thru with no recollection of how I got there. But God never gives us more than we can handle. That's what I tell my mom when she judges me for wanting to order a 12 piece nugget combo.

I am pretty religious. And I don't mean that I am both pretty AND religious. I mean that I am above average when it comes to religious convictions and not much else. See exhibit A.


Last week I went to Chick-fil-A to celebrate the birth of my roommate. Her sister came over and after a round of Target we headed to Chick-fil-A to try their new mac & cheese. And get nugz to drown in honey and Polynesian and honey roasted barbecue sauce like God intended.

Now the Chick-fil-A I frequent, my home Chick-fil-A if you will, is almost always insanely busy. I had quite the wait before I could even get into the drive thru lane. So we're chilling in the parking lot, listening to a podcast and praying that none of the cars we're blocking in needs to leave soon, as one does. When I'm finally next to enter the drive thru, another car comes in from the opposite direction. God was clearly testing me.

Allow me to explain my anger. The 1st issue is that I have been waiting longer than this car. I have already been waiting for a good 3-5 minutes. This car is literally still in motion because they haven't been stopped waiting in line like me. Since they just got there I don't expect them to know how long I have been there. So I POLITELY honk to let them know. I would want someone to do it for me. If I am about to do something massively rude, please, by all means call me out.

My 2nd issue is that I was actively waiting in the Chick-fil-A parking lot. This dude chose to enter Chick-fil-A via the bank parking lot. Is that even legal? I doubt it. Banks are freakishly selfish with their parking lots. They never want you to park there but they're really only open like 6 hours a week. If I need a parking spot on a Sunday afternoon...what's the harm?

Of course he pulls into the drive thru in front of me because why would good things happen to me? I'm in despair. And by despair I mean deep unbridled rage. Emily and Liz start making suggestions for how we can get back at this guy. Emily suggests the classic drive thru assault, honk every time he tries to order. Unfortunately I am not the type of person who could actually do that and they have employees with headsets walking around taking orders so that would be extra awkward.

The suggestions range from mild (asking the workers to not give him any sauces) to mental (calling his school) and I settle for taking a picture of his license plate (for why?) and glaring as he gets his order taken. Then the Chick-fil-A employee (I think we should call them Chick-fil-Angels) came to take our orders.

I hung my head in defeat. I had been bested. I got got. But God wasn't done with me yet. My Chick-fil-A recently got drive thru rejuvenation surgery so now they have a whole double barrel system going. The passhole ended up taking the lane on the left while I headed right. And would you believe that my lane went a lot faster than his? As we rounded the final corner, I took the lead! Look at God!

It's like my boy David said, "who can raise a hand against the Lord's anointed and be without guilt?" 1 Samuel 26:9. I learned a lot that day. If you're going to cut me off, do it in Satan's territory like in the parking lot of an Insane Clown Posse concert. This was God's chicken and He had my back.

Hurricane, Cane Go Away

This is kind of like an open letter to everyone complaining about schools closing or not closing due to weather. I realize it can be a frustrating process but I think that a tiny bit of perspective might help.

Every year during hurricane season and winter I have some students who are complaining that school wasn't cancelled because they wanted a free day to play Fortcraft or whatever. And every year I also have some students who are complaining that whatever weather event everyone is worried about isn't even that bad. This is likely a defense mechanism because they don't want to get their hopes up. Smart kids.

The day before a predicted storm or snow, my kids will ask a ton of questions in class and I will redirect them to a science teacher while refreshing weather.com. It's like I always say. Safety third.

We all go home after school and check social media and the weather while we await a decision. Counting our bottles of water that yesterday would have been bad for the environment but today seem to be a matter of life or death. We charge every electronic we own and we buy gas we don't need and we purchase non-perishable food items. For some that means crackers and canned goods and protein bars. For me it means Reese's and Goldfish.

When we finally get the phone call or the email or the text, we take to social media to express our delight or disappointment. And it all goes downhill (or uphill in the snow both ways) from there. If school is closed there's always a Justin who says it's not even that bad and a Brenda who argues they would never close for snow back in Minnesota eh. If school isn't closed there's a Karen who complains that she's going to sue if something happens to her kids and a Mike who swears every other school in the state is closed.

Here's the thing. Sometimes school closures are issued by district, not individual schools. So depending on your specific district...the weather conditions at your house may differ from other parts of the district. Revolutionary, I know. But weather isn't bound by man-made political boundaries. Or by population density. So while your house right off the highway has easy access to salted or plowed roads, a house down a dirt road may be in a far more dangerous position.

Another important thing to consider is that there are these large vehicles called school buses that transport some students to and from school. School buses are...to my (vast and impeccable) knowledge...on the roads before sunrise. Which means ice/snow does not have time to melt. And as someone who briefly stole a friend's truck once (sorry Aubrey) I can attest that larger vehicles are generally more difficult to maneuver than smaller ones. So a big consideration in school closures is how bus-accessible ALL district roads are.

Another issue is power. Yes, there are generators and yes, if we can't get the lights on and it's too dark to read or write we can always just show an educational film (if you were in Mrs. D's 4th grade class you know) but we also need power in the cafeteria. If we can't serve lunch, we can't serve knowledge either. No food, no school. A message that I personally am on board with. I don't wanna deal with hangry students and they don't want to deal with hangry me.

My 1st year teaching we had to stay after school for an extra hour due to a tornado sighting. I had lunch at noon and by 4:00 PM I was instructing students to empty their lunch bags, we were going to need to pool our resources in order to survive and I know at least one of you has a bag of Cheetos. The students refused claiming Constitutional rights or whatever and it was a close call.

School districts have to make a decision before buses hit the roads. And it's helpful to make a call as early as possible so that parents who still have work can arrange childcare. But once you cancel, you can't unring that school bell. Waiting too late may leave some people (and buses) in the lurch, but deciding too early can result in a wasted day. A day that will have to be made up later. One year there was talk of us losing Memorial Day. It got ugly.

Next I want to address the northerners who are always complaining about how North Carolina shuts down if we get an inch of snow. Look. Listen. We live in NORTH CAROLINA. We have no business driving in snow. We chose to live in a place where it rarely snows. If we wanted to deal with all the drama of snow chains and toboggans and thermal underwear we would move to Canada like you.

Additionally, because we live in a tropical paradise instead of an arctic tundra, snow usually means driving on ice. And black ice. And it's not safe. Over in Iceland, you may have temperatures cold enough to sustain snow in its solid form once it hits the ground. In North Carolina, we do not. Our clay soil retains heat well and just bakes that snow like it's a green bean casserole for Sunday dinner. The snow melts when the sun is out and then the sun goes down and all that water refreezes making un- or under-salted roads look like Rockefeller Center in December. See? I'm speaking your language.

You can't expect us to be skilled at driving on ice. Just like I wouldn't expect you to understand how important it is to be able to livestream basketball in March. Having good college basketball teams just isn't your lot in life. And living in a climate where you can't wear a t shirt on Christmas isn't ours.

So there. Does that help? The only thing I can't explain is the milk sandwiches. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

BIBLE TL; DR Noah

So one time, God created the world but he sees that a lot of it is pretty bad. Like when you try to make a craft from Pinterest and it ends up looking like a big old pile of crap. First there was all that drama with Adam and Eve and it was kind of downhill from there. So He decided to control+alt+delete. But first He wants to copy Noah so He can paste him into the new world. God instructs Noah to build an ark. Noah is like “what’s an ark?” and "can I bring the crew?" and God says Noah can bring his family. Noah has 3 sons named Ham, Turkey, Bologna. Actually...I don't think Bologna had a first name.

God tells Noah how many cubits of lumber to get to build this ark. I don’t know what a cubit is so it must be part of the metric system. I never really pegged God as a Brit but that's cultural bias baby. Noah starts building an ark (a really big boat) because God is going to flood the earth. I feel like He was maybe inspired by Taylor Swift's Clean? While Noah is building a huge boat in his yard like your redneck uncle, his neighbors are asking him what he’s doing. When he tells them everyone thinks he is crazy and stops inviting him to birthday parties. He really comes across as more paranoid schizophrenic than enlightened prophet.

Eventually he finishes the ark. Then God tells him to take his family and 2 of every animal on the ark so the animals can repopulate. Noah is like “even wasps?” and God says “yes, even wasps.” Noah has to get a male and a female of every species so they can repopulate. Talk about pressure. God also told Noah to pack a lunch like my mom tells us at Disney World. They all get on the ark and it rains for 40 days and 40 nights. Almost as long as a baseball game.

No one got trench foot as far as we know, but they did all die so that's really inconclusive. It smells awful on the ark what with the animals and decaying flesh of all of civilization, so Noah sends birds to do some recon. Febreze wasn't around yet and he wanted out.

Finally the dove came back with an olive leaf which meant that there was dry land and it was time for some delicious Italian food. Everyone got off the boat and hopefully showered before enjoying some tapenade together. God sent a rainbow as a promise to never pressure wash the earth again.