America's Least Wanted

I have not been on a lot of dates. The lack of love in my life is a central theme of this blog as well as my therapy sessions. However, for the small amount of dates I have been on, a large percentage of them have been weird. I've been strawberry picking in the rain, hotdog eating in the snow and hot chocolate sipping in front of a Great British Bake Off marathon to name a few. But my most recent misguided romantic misadventure really takes the show-stopper challenge cake.

I suggested that we go to Target. Target is the perfect date location. There's shopping, reading, Starbucks, slushies and a Pizza Hut Express that's oddly never open. I've had several Target dates and I am not sorry about that at all. It's called multitasking. And this weekend, I happened to need some curtain rods.

So we hit the shelves. First we picked up my curtain rods, but not just any curtain rods. I was partial to the cheapest ones for aesthetic reasons - their price tag looked the best. I needed TWO curtain rods and the offerings ranged from less than ten dollars to almost forty dollars. I knew my place. But my date said those weren't good enough for me, I deserved the best. I mean, he's not wrong, but unfortunately my bank account had to disagree. He managed to talk me into a mid-price option and I started to wonder if he was part of the Target sales force, sent on a top secret mission to pretend to date me in order to persuade me to up my weekly contributions to Tarjay Incorporated. I snapped out of this when I realized that I already spend so much money there without outside influences but that's the level of self-confidence we're dealing with here.

Once that was finished, my date suggested we get cookies because I had mentioned liking cookies a few dozen times in our previous conversations. I have never said no to a cookie that wasn't oatmeal raisin. Don't get me started on oatmeal raisin. He also had me pick out some bath bombs because I had mentioned using a peppermint one to open my sinuses. I was flattered that he listened to me, remembered and wanted to get me some bath bombs just because he knew I liked him. That was a kind gesture not expected from a girl who usually orders a kid's meal on dates and has been dumped by not 1, but 2 unemployed males.

So I was even more surprised when my date grabbed the curtain rods I had been carrying around the store as we headed for the self-checkout. I didn't want to be presumptuous as I presumed that he was paying for my curtain rods, so I acted like I thought he just wanted to carry them for me. Being the feminist icon I think I am as of late, I let him think that the strain of carrying curtain rods that were probably at least fifty percent aluminum was a burden I was all too happy to be rid of. At self-checkout I insisted that he didn't have to pay for my curtain rods and he ignored me. That last part happens on all my dates so I assumed it was normal.

Sounds like a good date, right? Nope. Fast forward like an hour. We've been chilling in the Starbucks, chatting, flirting, I'm mentally designing our wedding invitations, you know, the usual for a first date.

I know what you're thinking. It's a bold font choice but I'm happy with it. And to anyone who says I won't send out wedding invites with a selfie of just me, Snapchat filter and all, I say...bet.

Out of nowhere, he says "I feel guilty." My mind immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion and I'm afraid he's about to confess that he voted for Bo Bice on season 4 of American Idol. But maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe he just has a secret family. Or only dated me as part of his official Target job duties. Maybe he's a secret cannibal and I'm a few hours away from being a Lifetime movie. None of my worst case scenarios could have prepared me for what was about to happen. After a pause more pregnant than Kylie must have been last week, he said "It's not that I feel guilty about spending money but that was my rent."

Taking a page from his (coupon) book (that was a low blow I'm sort of sorry), let me explain my reaction to that. It's not that I'm mad he didn't buy me things, it's that HE insisted I get the nicer curtain rods. HE texted me all week about how he wanted to buy me jewelry but nothing fake because I was too good for that (any guys reading this...I'm definitely not, I will accept any and all jewelry). And HE was the one who took the curtain rods from my hand and insisted on buying them. So I'm not mad that he didn't buy me anything, I'm mad that he misrepresented himself, or at the very least, his financial situation. 

What was I supposed to do with that information? I told him he didn't need to buy me anything and I offered to pay him back. He asked if that would be weird. Um. YES. But I insisted it was fine and tried to find some cash. Mind you, this wasn't a quick "oh here's twenty bucks" type transaction. I looked through my bills, considered the curtain rods, Starbucks, the cookies and the stupid bath bombs and handed him forty dollars. Did he refuse it? Just once for social conventions? Nope. He put it in his pocket and said "sweet."

I asked Twitter what to think. Survey says...only 1 person thinks that guys should ask to be repaid for dates and that was probably just Ting trolling me. 

The worst part is that when we went to actually put up the curtain rods, the smaller one was too small so he is going to return it. And get a refund. Am I getting a refund on the cash I gave him? Nope. So he literally profited off this date. Come to think of it, I should have taken notes.

Salt & (Apple Cider) Vinegar

I'm writing this in recovery.

My roommate tried to kill me Monday.

Here's a before picture of us. Happier times. Before we were enemies. Before I knew what she was truly capable of.

She forced me to drink apple cider vinegar with her. Now she will claim that I wasn't forced but I'm a joiner and she was doing it so I think we can all agree that this constitutes coercion.

It was, in a word, completely horrific and disgusting and I will never forgive her. It tasted like feet and shame at my own inability to overcome peer pressure. I processed her betrayal in a series of stages.

Stage 1 was hatred.
I asked her how she could let someone she allegedly loves do that. I stand by that. Karma even came through for me right away. She drank a ton of water to dispel the taste of liquid foot, but drank out of a glass she had used to mix essential oils. So she got a mouthful of lavender water. I smugly chased mine with orange juice and a string of insults.

Stage 2 was complaints.
I complained that as North Carolinians we really shouldn't disrespect vinegar like that. I complained that my taste buds were probably permanently damaged. I complained that if this is what it took to have clear skin and lose weight, I'd rather just stay fat and ugly. I mean it's gotten me this far in life. And there are so many more important things to be in life besides pretty.
(Like being petty.)

Stage 3 was research.
If I'm going to talk her out of this sadistic nonsense I'm going to have to do it with cold, hard facts. So I turned to the one indisputable source of truth. The internet. It appears that most of the alleged weight loss benefits of apple cider vinegar stem from the claim that it suppresses your appetite and helps you feel full. Okay, miss me with that. I very rarely eat because I'm hungry. I eat because I'm bored, because I'm sad or just because food is delicious! So a suppressed appetite will in no way stop me.

Another alleged benefit of apple cider vinegar is helping stomach issues. But how is that possible when thinking about ingesting vinegar makes me want to vomit? Apple cider vinegar is also supposed to help soothe a sore throat. But why would I take apple cider vinegar when I have a perfectly good excuse to eat ice cream? Trick question...I wouldn't. One study also claims that apple cider vinegar boosts your energy. You know what would boost my energy? Not having 70 teenagers fighting for my attention every day. But I love my kids and I hate apple cider vinegar. Easy choice. Plus, what do I even need more energy for? That might encourage me to like...do things. Pass.

So I think we can all agree that A) I should press charges and B) apple cider vinegar is useless and C) we're lucky I survived.

MISSY Talks

TED Talks began because industry veterans had "ideas worth sharing" about technology, entertainment and design. Today I'm starting MISSY Talks because my mother has "lectures that I have to sit through" on maturity, Ian McKellan, staying safe and youth.

Don't tell her I said this but she is occasionally known to give good advice. NOT like when she gave me bangs for most of my elementary school career.

But like when she helped me deodorize my garbage disposal.

And I know she believes in me...probably to a fault. She got me a microphone for my 24th birthday and I promptly used it to sing her some of ABBA's greatest hits. I am, however, suspicious of those quotations she put over the word star. I think I'm a STAR! not a "star!" but it was a nice gesture nonetheless.

Here are the highlights from the most recent talk I received after I told my mother that a guy offered to fly me to Europe.


1. Don't owe a man anything.
Okay, I'm listening, good point. I don't want to owe the government anything either but no one will volunteer to pay my student loans. I tried explaining to my mother that I wouldn't be beholden to anyone for anything because the gift of my friendship is certainly worth a round-trip plane ticket to Europe. She, seemingly, disagreed.

2. Your goal in life is not to find a man.
Right on sister. I'm with you. But...one of my goals in life is to be a mother and society has really not made as much progress in the field of asexual reproduction as one would hope. So finding a man is still a goal if not the goal. I also want to publish a book, start a petition to rid the internet of those Buzzfeed listicles that force you off app to read a tweet, invent a drive-through slash gas station combo and, coincidentally, go to Europe.

3. Some parts of Star Wars could really happen.
So she got a little off track here...but I suppose she's right. I forgot which parts of Star Wars she was referring to so I had to ask her to repeat.


She filled me in and said she meant the overall themes of good vs. evil and never giving up. Then she quoted Revelation which I think is a bit of a reach but I'll allow it.

Her solution to my desire to go to Europe on someone else's dime was to offer me a trip with her to Busch Gardens. I'm not even worthy of Epcot. So instead of being flown to Europe to spend a week touring the Mediterranean, my mother invited me and a friend to ride 2 hours with her to a Virginia amusement park that offers $8 bratwursts and made-in-China souvenir berets. And I haven't even mentioned my mother's unique take on amusement park dining. It involves completely exiting the park to go tailgate in the parking lot with bologna sandwiches from a cooler in the trunk. A complete waste of time, energy and perfectly good fried food right inside the park.

So it's not my dream trip.

But it is my dream company.

Is Time Up?

Believe it (people who knew me during & post-college) or not (people who knew me in high school), I don't consider myself a feminist. Or at least, I didn't. What I do consider myself to be is a decent human being. Believing in the equality of men and women shouldn't need a label. But if we must label it, then count me in. Not due to an us vs. them mentality but because shared experiences forge strong bonds and marginalized members of society deserve to be part of the conversation surrounding their histories.

At first I didn’t want to post this because I read several other articles that I felt perfectly encapsulated what I was feeling in far better words than I could ever find. But then I realized that by not sharing it I would be perpetuating the problem. The problem of thinking there’s only room for one narrative.

So I'm not writing this attempting to speak for all women. That's neither my job nor my place. I'm just adding some of my thoughts to the growing conversation surrounding the Time's Up movement.

Recently, Aziz Ansari joined the growing list of men in Hollywood accused of sexual misconduct. And there are several articles on the internet that aim to exculpate or vilify him based on his actions...but maybe that's missing the point.

Stay with me here - maybe the article published on Babe wasn't about Aziz or even about Grace. Maybe it's about the idea that our society has some competing viewpoints about what constitutes consent and that's a dialogue worth starting.

I've sensed some frustration with the Time's Up movement and the new allegations that seem to pop up every day. It appears that some Americans are reacting with disbelief since it seems like so many women have dealt with these same issues while the victims who are finally being listened to are thinking "yes...that's actually the problem here."

So many issues live on a spectrum rather than sides and it’s not my right to determine where those points lie. I'm afraid that many of us are reading these articles and labeling them as on the spectrum or off the spectrum and moving on. That it's becoming an issue of he said, she said rather than every new allegation being considered individually as a separate incident deserving of independent consideration. Consideration outside of a dialogue that compares it to instances of better and worse, thereby discounting a victim's experience. This movement isn't about forcing everyone's stories into some mold created to garner public sympathy. It's about standing together in spite of varying stories and circumstances that are all worth sharing. And being heard is the first step to being believed.

So the fact that there are guys out there who are anxious thinking that they might be next in what they view as a witch hunt doesn't keep me awake at night. How do you imagine women feel knowing we live in a world where many of our families, friends and co-workers value their own reputations and wants over our free will and truths?

As for the people who are swearing off Master of None and burning their "Treat Yo Self" t shirts...I think that we’re having a problem in the social justice arena of condemning alleged perpetrators along with their actions. Is that throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Imagine all the sympathetic character archetypes out there. Professor Snape. Twisty the Clown. Maleficent. Sharpay Evans. Human beings (and even "wicked" Disney fairies) aren’t a dichotomy of good and evil. These forces aren’t mutually exclusive.

So can people make mistakes without negating all of their positive contributions to society? Can you listen to Chris Brown and still be a feminist? Can you think Ben Affleck is the best Batman and still be a social justice warrior? That's up to you to decide. Although I wouldn't recommend a career as a movie critic. I'm not asking you to forgive and certainly not suggesting you forget. Just offering another viewpoint so that we all remember to use our voices.

2 Christmases

I am relaying this story to you as it was told to me by my mother. I have not heard my father's version of events mainly because I haven't asked and also because I don't care. I think you'll agree once we get to the punch line.

Picture it. Not Sicily but Goldston during the great snow of 2018. It was a blizzard that shut down the state for 5 days for myself and other teachers. Of course, in North Carolina that equates to about 2-4 inches of actual snowfall. Instead of the metric system we use the redneck system which states that southerners cannot drive if they can see snow from their car. Driving safely around any ice is an instinct we just don't have, like how northerners don't have manners.

It started snowing Wednesday afternoon. All after-school activities had been cancelled by the school system and around the county teachers and students waited for the phone call that would release them from school the following day. But at 6:00 PM it had only just started snowing. And it was my grandpa's birthday. So my parents and brothers headed 5 miles down the road to deliver his birthday present.

They drove to his house, gave him his present (probably a DVD or bullets) and after chatting for 15 minutes or so they headed home, completely underestimating the wintry mix that awaited them.

A car in front of them started to slide off the road. So my parents pulled over and left my brothers in the car while they tried to help push this car back on the road. However, another car headed their way and everyone had to move to avoid becoming roadkill so the car slid into the ditch, but the couple inside wasn't hurt. At some point, help was promised so my parents decided to try to finally get home. My mother, affectionately known as Missy, gave the couple her cell phone number in case they needed a place to stay and my parents got back in my mom's car with my brothers.

Unfortunately, while they were outside competing in an unofficial world's strongest man competition, snow had built up around the car tires and it wouldn't budge. My mother and brother got out to push the car while my dad, affectionately known as Carlos because his name is actually Charles and he hates it when I call him Carlos, steered and gave it gas. My brother was wearing a basketball jersey and shorts because he's a white male and refuses to dress appropriately for the weather. Missy told my dad that if he could get the car going to just keep driving slowly and they would catch up.

Once they got the car moving, my brother yelled motivations to my mother in what I can only imagine was Biggest Loser-style (having not witnessed this particular exercise or the show Biggest Loser). As they ran, breathless, uphill in the snow, my father kept driving. My brother was so confused and showed my mom but she assured him that once Carlos got to the top of the hill he would stop, he was just trying to get on level ground and not let gravity win this battle. She begrudgingly gave my under-dressed brother her coat and he continued to lovingly shout words of encouragement at her while they jogged onward.

After about half a mile of this nonsense, my mother and brother finally make it to the top of the hill. No Charles. At this point my brother is livid. My mother gives my father the benefit of the doubt and tells my brother that he's probably at his sister's house a little bit down the road, waiting for them there. So they run-slash-walk another half mile to my aunt's house. Again. No Charles.

My mom uses my aunt's phone to call the house where my youngest brother answers the phone because my father is on my mother's cell phone with the stranded travelers from earlier. My father's excuse for leaving his wife of 30 years and firstborn son stranded in the snow was that he decided to go home and return with my brother's car because it would drive better in the snow. However once he got home, my mom's cell phone rang so he answered it and forgot all about his family members getting frostbite.

Here's a question only I have been brave enough to ask...who is the beneficiary of my mother's life insurance policy? What about my brother's? I'm willing to bet half of the settlement that it's my dad.

Eventually, my uncle used his 4 wheeler to take my mom and brother home and pick up the couple that got stranded. My mother assured the couple she wasn't a serial killer and welcomed them into her home while they waited on someone to pick them up. Now here's where things get crazy...the couple had a dog. And my mother, who I swear would relegate a fish tank to the back porch, let said dog into her home. He probably even ate and drank in the living room, an activity my brothers and I weren't allowed to do until our late teens.

For the next few hours my youngest brother stood cautiously in the corner, lest the dog touch him and besmirch his new phone while my mom chatted up the couple and I can only assume that she offered up some of her precious Diet Sunkist. Someone came to pick them up around midnight and Missy and her new friends parted ways. No word yet on whether there will be a Come From Away sequel written about that night.

So my conclusion from all of this is that my parents are getting divorced. They have both denied this allegation but I'm going to start planning on 2 Christmases-and double the presents-anyway.

New Year, Same Me

I try to say yes to things because no matter how much I don't want to put on pants and leave the house, I normally get some good material to write about. Some of my best posts are stories of the weird situations that would only happen to me. Let's chalk that up to bad luck and a complete lack of common sense. I realize that I can only expect y'all to read posts about my top 10 favorite housewives for so long before you turn elsewhere for your entertainment. FYI, for those who were curious, Brandi, Kyle and Gretchen are up there. But I have bad news. 2018 is going to be my year of no and probably also my year of personal bankruptcy if things keep going in the direction they're headed.


This post will be full of new year themed tweets that didn't get the appreciation they deserve because my stupid Twitter has to be private. If you're not one of my students feel free to follow me @redwhiteandrae. If you are one of my students, then you get a live show every day for 90 minutes so stop complaining.

What drove me to this? A series of unfortunate dates mainly. I am super intimidated by the concept of a first date with someone you don't know. Will it be awkward? Will I get stood up? Will he murder me? But I try to "put myself out there" as my 13-year-old brother says and take risks because I normally end up with at least a good meal if not a good story and I'm a teacher with student loans I will take all the free food I can get. But at some point it's just not worth it anymore. Have you ever been on a date that was so boring you literally fell asleep? Because I have and let me tell you, that is unsafe.

Most recently, I had what I thought was a good first date. I really liked the guy and his dog, he actually has a job unlike 2 of my more recent exes...
 

But I was unable to secure a second date and I'm not quite sure where I went wrong. I mean, certainly, there were missteps. I now realize that most people don't consider John Kerry's questionable military record to be among first date conversation topics. Who knew? And I did arrive a little late but to be fair, while I was getting ready Khloe Kardashian confirmed her pregnancy so I had to give that my full attention.



There was a brief moment when I asked myself, "am I the problem?" and as I said those words aloud I heard how preposterous that sounded and mentally erased all thoughts of a "new year, new me" in favor of staying the same and wallowing in self-pity.


There is one new hobby I'm willing to try in 2018. Rap battles. Apparently your rap name is "lil" with the first thing you spent money on in 2018. I was almost Lil Taco Bell, Lil Piercing or Lil Discount Christmas Decorations but I shall henceforth be known as...


So I will be legally changing my previous rap name, Young Abandonment Issues.


I would like to conclude this post with a list of things I think should stay in 2017.
First and foremost,


But additionally:

• unrealistic serving sizes
• saying "see you next year" or any other time-based pun from December 25th-January 1st
• Ajit Pai
• Taco Bells that run out of rolled chicken tacos, these should be a permanent menu item
• temperatures below 40 degrees

Christmas Roast

Christmas is a time for traditions and presents and great food and presents and Jesus and presents and friends and presents and of course, family. And presents. In my family, a big part of showing love is making fun of each other mercilessly until the moms get involved or someone cries.

This week I want to look back at some of the best roasts, one-liners and anecdotes that only I find funny from Christmas 2017.

I always bake gingerbread cookies for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Not just any gingerbread cookies, but the BEST gingerbread cookies. In the past my youngest brother has wanted to help me decorate them and I have always declined because most people refuse to meet my exacting standards when it comes to aesthetics. But there comes a point in all of our lives where we…what’s the term? Give up. So this year I let him help and I learned that that was a mistake about 2 minutes in when he referred to the white sugar sprinkles as Colombian nose candy.

Another big thing in my immediate family is playing cards. We particularly like Phase 10 but since my mother lost those cards this Christmas was all about Skip-Bo until I forced her to buy a new Phase 10 deck on Tuesday and therefore saved Christmas. My grandmother is really mad at me for playing in a manner that some would describe as cut-throat. While we were playing one night I was looking at older pictures and I asked the hypothetical question “does everyone get uglier as they get older or is it just me?” and my grandmother quickly responded “just you.”I may be ugly but she's what you would call a sore loser.

My family makes fun of me for being lazy just because I don’t work out every day or go on runs or walk to the kitchen to get my own water. So I was thankful when my mother who was in the kitchen asked if I wanted my lemon in the fridge. I said yes and she replied “well come put it in the fridge then.” Whose moms is this?

Unfortunately, 2 of my younger cousins were sick for Christmas. When Rebecca didn’t show up for Christmas Eve dinner because her son was sick we seriously considered sending someone to her house to demand the buttermilk biscuits she normally brings. My mini-me was sick too and couldn’t open presents on Christmas day. My mother pointed out that if we’d known she was going to be sick we could have waited and bought her presents December 26^th for 50% off and saved a lot of money. I mean…she’s not wrong (*Brendan voice).

My cousin Kelsey got me the Anastasia soundtrack for Christmas so I am now in possession of that as well as the Broadway soundtrack. Needless to say, if Christy Altomare ever needs a day off, I'll be ready.

Of course the Christmas puns made their appearances by way of Instagram captions and custom-made Christmas t-shirts which are more reasonable for the green Christmases of central NC.

"Let's get in formation Claus..."


Taco Bell + Christmas, what more could a girl want?

Speaking of which, I had to make fun of my brother's hair.

I got my uncle for secret Santa at my grandmother's house so I of course gifted my conservative, gunslinging, veteran uncle with American Sniper on DVD, an Air Force t-shirt and the book Monica's Story, a hard-hitting expose about scandal in the Clinton White House from the victim that history forgot. I'm sure he's already finished it if anyone wants to ask him for a book review.

Christmas is also my cousin Brittany’s birthday but people normally forget what with the birth of the Savior and what not. Keep Brittany in Christmas is what I like to say. 

We even wrote a special song about the difficult pregnancy that my aunt went through 26 Yuletides ago even though I heard my grandmother say that Jesus was the greatest Christmas gift ever given so take that Brittany.

Julia did you know?

That your baby girl
Would try to take your life.

Julia did you know?
That you would throw up
Over 200 times.

Julia did you know?
That this blue-eyed beast
Would almost cause your life to cease.
That this little girl you’re burping
Tried to give you a murking.