A White Girl Christmas List

Every year Christmas season rolls around so much sooner than I expect. It feels like just yesterday I was hitting all the December 26th, 2012 craft store sales and buying my weight (roughly the equivalent of Santa's) in Christmas decorations and now it's already Christmas Day 2013! I swear Christmas season gets shorter and shorter every year, although my personal Christmas song/sock season perpetually gets longer and longer. This time next year I will likely already be ringing in Christmas 2015.

With the Shortening Christmas Season Conspiracy (on this week's 60 Minutes), there's less and less time to figure out what you want so when everyone starts asking what's on your list you end up giving them all the same 5 generic items. It's all fun and reindeer games until you suddenly find yourself the proud owner of at least half a dozen copies of every movie Channing Tatum or Zac Efron has ever starred in, a few thousand scarves and what feels like a million nail polishes that all start to look the same after your fourth eggnog.

So I am taking the "What?" out of "What should I get you for Christmas?" Hold your applause. Think of this as a master list that you can consult every holiday season until white girl goes out of style (so 3 years ago or approximately never, depending on how you look that things).

The Ultimate White Girl Christmas Wish List*
an infinity sign tattoo
anything from my Pintrest page
Michael Kors bag/watch
a puppy
a giftcard to Starbucks
an infinity scarf with a sassy print
Lilly Pulitzer ________
Uggs
a collection of deep quotes to caption my selfies
any poster of Marilyn Monroe
a Megaticket
anything from Forever 21
a cardigan
anything with a Disney princess theme
a spray tan
an ombre hair dye kit
a pomsky
anything in my Etsy or Wanelo shopping carts
all monogram/chevron everything
any piece of jewelry that has a bow motif
Nutella
a miniature pig named Kevin Bacon
hummus
Pitch Perfect 
a Pandora bracelet/charms
yoga pants/leggings/shorts
any Nicholas Sparks book/movie
a North Face
a statement necklace
a monogram necklace/ring

*About half of the things on this list are items I personally want, the other half are things I am  making fun of. Make a fun holiday game of guessing which is which!

5 Million Golden Rings

I hope everyone's holiday season is going well, and just to be clear when I say holiday I mean Christmas. Wanna know how my break has been? Basically one engagement after another. Back at school, everyone was single so I didn't realize how alone I am. But in my hometown it's nothing but other twenty-somethings planning weddings and doing other lame adult stuff (buying houses, getting real jobs, being financially secure, blah blah blah). If I had more actual friends I would feel just like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, but let's face it I'm much more of an "always my only friend's plus one and never a bridesmaid" type (thanks Em!).

In an effort to make myself feel better, I immediately wrote a list of all the reasons it's fun being alone at Christmas. Ok, that's a lie I immediately ate a dozen oreo truffles but then I wrote my list.

Reasons it's Great Being Single During the Holidays
1) Hey, it's 1 less person to buy a gift for.
2) You don't have to take cheesy couple pictures by the tree.
3) You can eat all the Christmas goodies you make instead of sharing.
4) You can sing your favorite Christmas song on repeat instead of mixing in theirs.
5) You won't receive any "couple" gifts. (Edward and Bella salt and pepper shakers, just what we wanted! Barf.)
6) You don't have to ask yourself "Is this the proposal?" before every holiday event.
7) You don't have to share credit for all the awesome gifts you buy.
8) You can spend the whole month of December with YOUR friends and family, not theirs.
9) You don't have to worry about how cute-but-not-hot you look in your "allegedly tacky" Christmas sweater because you love it and IT LIGHTS UP.
10) You don't have to stick with the set of wrenches you picked in Dirty Santa because your guy wants them. You go for that bubble bath and slippers, girl!

If none of these reasons proved to you that one strong, independent partridge paying her own rent in that pear tree is better than 2 stinkin turtle doves, then you are more than welcome to join any of the following dating websites I am working on (patents pending).

DisneyLovers.Magic.com
Because you deserve someone who can and will sing every word to Colors of the Wind with you.

BaptistBlindDates.com 
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my church. (Baptists love the Spice Girls, you didn't know?)

GryffindorMeet.com
Connecting Rons to their Hermiones since the Sorcerer's Stone. Perfect for finding a date to the Yule Ball.

IfWe'reBeingHonestI'mReallyAHufflepuff.com 
Most people are, and that's ok. I'm a Ravenclaw obviously, but Hufflepuffs need lovin too!

SquibsAnonymous.com
Anonymous since no one would actually admit to being a squib. Maybe if Filch had a special someone he would stop being so freakin weird.

PitbullFans.Dale.com 
Because the 2 of them really belong together. Same for KristenStewartLovers.com and CarrotToppers.com.

GOPMingle.com
Because I live in a ridiculously liberal town and I know my Reagan in shining armor is out there somewhere.

TeemPeetaRulesGaleDrools.com
A moderate obsession with Josh Hutcherson is completely healthy. If a couple is on opposite sides of this bitter debate, they will never last.

Brad&Jen4Ever.90skids.com
Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by their divorce. That's why this URL narrowly beat out MillennialsWhoDon'tStillLiveWithTheirParentsMeet.com.

A Very White Girl Christmas

It is officially the peak of finals week so I'm running on lots of sugar and caffeine. My chief concern is not that I will fail all my exams but that I actually won't remember how to sleep after this week is over. The only good thing about finals is that it means Christmas season is well underway now, and I for one could not be happier. At this point in my career as honorary Captain Christmas, I have sampled just about every Christmas album known to elf kind and I can confidently say that this playlist includes only the best for your Christmas CD. If you don't have a Christmas CD, shame on you!

All I Want For Christmas is You
Mariah Carey
Because Mariah Carey is like the queen of Christmas and this album (that she wrote) broke so many records it's insane. She wrote this song that we all attempt to sing knowing good and well only angels can hit those high notes. All I want for Christmas is to be Mariah Carey.

Baby It's Cold Outside
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone 
Zooey is an idol among white girls and this song was forever solidified as a Christmas classic in Elf. You really must know at least some of the lyrics. Plus, the scene in the movie is totally the same as the shower scene in Pitch Perfect. Just let that sink in.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Glee Cast
The Glee Christmas album is probably one of the best things to ever happen to me and I couldn't have cared less about this song until hearing the Glee girls' version. Santana, Mercedes, Rachel and even Quinn make this song. You will forever sing this stylized version and get weird looks in church, but it's more than worth it.

Cold December Night
Michael Buble
Michael Buble's Christmas album has impacted my life in a very positive way. Not very well-known but this songs gets major props for being something you can sing all throughout December (Ha! As if I don't sing any Christmas song I want from September through January.) I mean he just wants someone to fall in love with him. I volunteer as tribute!

Where Are You Christmas
Faith Hill
In all honesty, I hate this song but recognize it as an important addition to this list due to it's connection to How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Faith Hill, Cindy Lou Who, and all things white girl. I also find it useful to belt the title around exam time because seriously. Seriously.

O Holy Night
Martina McBride
O Holy Night is basically the standard favorite Christmas song, which is not at all undeserved. Martina is of course fabulous and I think it's safe to say that country artists generally just do traditional Christmas hymns better. I don't know what it is but Santa just smiles on Nashville. 

Sleigh Ride
Hilary Duff
Lizzie McGuire is every white girl's spirit animal and Sleigh Ride is just so fun! I have a theory that this song inspired What Does the Fox Say (ring ting tingling any bells?)

My Only Wish (This Year)
Britney Spears
It's Britney Grinch. Because nothing says white girl quite like Britney. And this song is great at capturing that holiday spirit of "everyone is in love but me and I'm pretty freakin tired of it" that we all know and loathe. 

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Mariah Carey
If anyone deserves to be on this album twice it's Mimi. And I think it's clear that Baby Please Come Home is a must for any holiday playlist. If you haven't belted the line "baby please come home!" at someone important to you on at least a dozen occasions, you should probably reevaluate your life at this point. I can wait.

Last Christmas
Taylor Swift
Us white girls unanimously elected Taylor Swift our fearless (see what I did there?) leader ages ago, so naturally her cover of this Christmas classic made the list. Most people I know either love it or hate it (they hate it), but this song is here to stay, unlike Taylor's boyfriends. 

I Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You
'N Sync
Because what is the one thing 90s white girls loved more than Britney? Justin! Fun fact, this broke the world record for longest song title. But seriously, I constantly find myself singing "I don't wanna light a fire" before I remind myself that this is actually a Christmas song and therefore inappropriate to sing at a synagogue in June. It only happened twice but my bad.

Little Drummer Boy
Josh Groban
Josh is receiving honorable mention because while there are few artists today more "white girl" than Mr. Groban, I think I speak for everyone when I say I will not soon forgive him for not recognizing the perfection that is Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love. Am I right?

Recently Used Emojis Are the Window to the Soul

In the olden days of the twentieth century, people used to snoop around in each others' medicine cabinets when they wanted to learn more about someone. These days, we all have a Xanax prescription or seven lying around so the art of stalking has had to step it up. Now online stalking generally gets the job done, but there are still some things (granted, very few things) that individuals may not want the entire internet to know (prudes). If you want to find out what someone is really hiding, you need only look at his or her recently used emojis to forget more about them than the NSA will ever know.

Here is a list I've started of what emojis say about the person who frequently uses them.

Sass Girl
White girl.

Heart Eyes
Uses the word "love" wayyyyy to much. (Guilty.)

LOL Tears
Finds themselves much funnier than they actually are. (This is me.)

Single Tear
Can't decide which of the million other sad faces is best, sticks with this guy. 

Kissy Face
Thinks they have a lot of "best friends".

SMILING SO HARD 
REALLY HAPPY AND REALLY AWKWARD.

Shades
Finds themselves very chill. (I'm looking at you Carol!)

Smirks
Desperately wants their friends to understand that they are being clever. (Me.) 

Asian Face
Has friends that are frequently ridiculous and therefore deserving of an Asian face. 

Dancing Sisters
Considers everyone their best friend. Possibly a sorority girl.

American Flag
Awesome.

Any Other Flag
Traitor!

Bow
Girly girl. May or may not have a princess complex.

Hearts
Again, "loves" everything. Friends. Dogs. Lattes. Roadkill. 

Cute Whale
Uses the pun "Oh whale" a lot, therefore a fantastic individual.

Fiesta Chica
Equal parts sassy and spicy.

Gun
Melodramatically threatens suicide frequently.

Open Book 
Addicted to Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, Divergent, or all of the above. 

School Books
Nerd. When it comes to school, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.

Balls
Sports fanatic OR girl who wants guys to think she knows/cares who Ray Allen is.

Food
Chicken nuggets are like your family. This is not wrong.

Thanksgetting

If you live in one of the countries that celebrate Thanksgiving, which you should because America is one such country, you are probably more than ready for tomorrow (unless of course you are a female between the ages of 16 and 86, because then you are required by national law to cook something).

Thanksgiving is often forgotten between the madness of Halloween and the magic of Christmas. I too am guilty of forgetting that November exists as anything other than a roadblock to Christmas break. But then every year someone around you goes on a shpeil about how materialistic our society is and how the pilgrims would be ashamed of us.

Well you know what? I'm a little ashamed of them too, have y'all seen The Crucible? Those pilgrims weren't all smiles and sharing and my buckle, your buckle. They turned on each other in a hot second as soon as witchcraft got involved. So forget what the pilgrims say and just remember, for everything that you get this week, make sure to give something in return.

Getting                                                                     Giving

Asked countless personal questions ...                     Answers that are equal parts sassy and sarcastic.

To share a bathroom with brothers ...                       Them all deodorant for Christmas.

Up extra early for Black Friday ...                            Everyone lotion for Christmas because of a deal.

A million new recipes from everyone ...                  Them to your mom, because really?

So full you can't move for 2 football games ...         Away leftovers because you can't look at turkey.

To take 3 naps in one day ...                                     Yourself serious bedhead.

So annoyed at Tom Brady and his fans ...                Multiple high fives when the Panthers score.

Out all the Christmas decorations ...                         Everyone an earful of your fave Christmas tunes.

Sick of everyone asking for your list ...                    Them 6 pages anyways cause you want it all.

Tired of so much family time ...                                Huge goodbye hugs because you still love them!

Instagram For Dummies

I've already done one post about appropriate Instagram etiquitte, but I feel that it is necessary that I add a part duex. This is partially because Instagram is my favorite social media site, so I want to keep it sacred. I don't have a Facebook and Twitter stalking can only go so far. A person's Instagram can reveal a lot of information about them. Mainly, if someone is doing any of the things on this list, you don't wanna be friends with them.

Keep in mind, these are just the things that annoy ME personally on Instagram. I still follow people who do one or all of the following. I'm sure there are at least 50 people out there right now thinking "Rachel is so annoying on Instagram, she likes all my pictures, she uses too many pic stitches, she Instagrams too many crafts." And that's fine because as my hero, Carrie Bradshaw, once said - the only critique that really matters is the one you give yourself. And I give myself an F for Fabulous!

Private Instagrams
I think I speak for everyone when I say, ain't nobody got time fo dat. You might think you have a good reason for having a private Instagram. I don't want my ex to have access to it, I like to control who sees photos of my cats, I have a stalker, I'm in the witness protection program, I work for the CIA. Yawwwwwwwn. The thing about private Instagrams is I know when you let me follow you and don't follow me back. I know you've seen my profile and made the conscious decision to not follow me back. So I'm obviously gonna look through all your posts and then unfollow you. Cause really.

Instagramming Tweets
If I cared what you were tweeting, I would follow you on Twitter. And if I do follow you on Twitter, I've already seen it. Screenshot is one of the greatest gifts people of the twenty-first century have been given, so use it wisely folks. Don't waste it on taking pictures of your own tweets to then share on Instagram. With great power, comes great responsibility.

Instagramming Notes of General Questions
Again, this is another case of someone not using their screenshots wisely. If you have some random question you want answered, Twitter or Facebook is fine. Hey, as long as it doesn't include me, start a group message, I don't care. But when you type out a note on your phone that says something like "Anyone have a Snuggie I can borrow?" you cross 2 lines. Line 1 - don't ask this over Instagram. Line 2 - get your own Snuggie. Also...how do you people get likes on those posts? Cause who really likes that? #Baffled

Following Back
This is of course a matter of personal taste, some people refuse to follow anyone back, some people will follow anyone. It's a delicate balance.  I just want it known that if you do not follow me back, I am going to unfollow you. If you unfollow me and I realize it, I am going to unfollow you. You won't know when it's coming, but it will come. Obviously you aren't obligated to follow strangers but I think we've all had that awkward conversation at the supper table when you ask your mom why she didn't follow you back. My general rule is if I see you in person and don't immediately turn and start walking in the opposite direction, I will follow you back.

Hashtags
#Oh #My #Gosh Why is this so hard for some people? Among my least favorite are #followforfollow #likesforlikes #FoodPorn and #nom. I also hate when people proceed to hashtag literally every word they just said in their caption. Also, #ThrowBackThursday is often misused. You can't have a throwback to something from last week. My words to live by are 364 days, does not a throwback make, wait a year for a throwback to reappear.

Consistency
As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to social media consistency is key. Nowhere is this more apparent than on Instagram. Consistency doesn't mean posting everyday, but you should at least check Instagram regularly. We've all been there, you make a new friend, go to follow them on Insta and you see they have about 5 posts and the last one was from 10 weeks ago. Now you don't know what do to. You don't want to follow them and sit there for months waiting for them to open their app. Your followers deserve better.

Food
I really really hate seeing people Instagram their every meal. If I were to Instagram everything I ate, I would be placed in Instagram jail for posting too much in 24 hours and my profile would look like the official Instagram of Wendy's. There are some times it is okay to Instagram food. If you made whatever meal/dessert/snack yourself, it is okay to share said creation. If your friends made you a birthday cake or you spot some really cute holiday-themed food. Other than that, if I wanna see pics of grilled trout I will go to foodnetwork.com, not Instagram.

Pets
Perfectly ok to Instagram pictures of your adorable animals. Not ok if when looking at your profile I can't tell that it actually belongs to a human. That being said, there are a few species that require round-the-clock Instagram exposure: pomskies, otters, miniature animals, hedgehogs. So if you own one of those feel free to continuously upload pics and send them to me directly via email if you so wish.

Multiple #MCMs or #WCWs
They're like shopping sprees people, you only get one a week! If John Stamos is your man candy (as he should be) then he is your man candy! Don't make him share the spotlight with 3 other guys. And come Wednesday when Ariana Grande is your woman crush, don't also upload pics of Jennifer Lawrence and Christina Hendricks. I can only take in so much physical perfection at a time.

Christmas Season Waits for No One

There are many who say that Christmas season can't really start until December, or the first snow, or after Labor Day or other arbitrary deadlines. Those people are on my naughty list. I used to save the Christmas music for the day after Thanksgiving, but then the Glee Christmas album came out. Nowadays, I officially welcome the Christmas season on November 1st but I've been known to belt a line or 2 of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman and wear Christmas socks as early as mid-September. Basically, as soon as I decide it's not summer anymore, it needs to be Christmas.

Celebrating the Christmas season early lets me spend the day after Thanksgiving, which used to be reserved for spreading Christmas cheer, in other ways. Such as Black Friday, the fourth most magical day of the year behind the 4th of July, Christmas, and my birthday. I am a recent convert to Black Friday (or African American Friday, depending on who you're talking to). My mother used to not be a big shopper...that probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was a teenager then and to be fair I was completely miserable to shop with. I wanted all the things. Not much has changed, but now I have my own money. Of course I am still not a very fun shopping partner. Most of the time I just follow whoever I'm with around, which drives my mother crazy. But people continue to invite me to go shopping with them because I'm good at math. (Which exemplifies the life lesson everyone has to learn at some point, there comes a time when you will have to start tricking people into being your friends. But we will discuss that another day.)

I have found many a killer deal on Black Fridays. A few Black Fridays ago I bought the entire Sex and the City series on DVD for $8 each. In the past I've found some of my favorite movies for $2, sweaters for $4 and tank tops for $1, the list goes on an on (and so do the receipts). And let's not forget last year, when I met the love of my life. My iPhone.

So if you want to experience the full wonder of Black Friday like me, you need to start ringing in the yuletide a little early this year. Some things are a must to make it apparent to all of your friends and mainly your roommates that you have decided it is Christmas season...and there's no going back. So don't fight it, just enjoy. First, you have to start playing Christmas music. Then watch Elf, The Grinch and Home Alone once a week. If they groan, or ask you to turn it off, just cross them off your list of people to buy for.

Which brings me to another point...I love the commercialization of Christmas just as much as anyone else, but it is important to remember the reason behind the holiday. God gave humanity the greatest gift ever given when He sent His son to die for us. No matter who you are or what you've done, God loves you more than you can comprehend. When I was younger I thought Christmas was the worldwide celebration of my cousin Brittany's birthday since she was born on December 25th and was obviously (and obnoxiously, if you ask me) everyone's favorite. (It was a very complicated pregnancy, which led to my family's remix of Mary Did You Know? "Julia did you know? That your baby girl, would try to take your life? Julia did you know? That you would throw up, over 200 times?") But I digress. My point here is that if you are adamant about refusing to believe in my Lord and Savior, should I be expected to get you an expensive gift celebrating His birth? I think not. Of course, I love giving presents so much that I will inevitably get you a gift anyways I just want it known that I do this out of the goodness of my heart (where the Jesus you mock lives, none the less) and not out of respect for cultural norms that reward your disbelief.

Oddly enough, I still end up getting Christmas gifts for approximately millions of people. My mother has been telling me for years that I need to stop wasting my money on presents for people who don't care about me. I can't help that I'm a giver. I will admit, if there was an Over Givers Anonymous group I would have to join. I always go over budget on Christmas presents. I use the terms "best friend" "love" and "more than life itself" way too frequently, but in the words of a great philosopher, Taylor Swift, "all you need to do to be my friend is like me" but even that doesn't cover it because there are people who I consider my friends who I'm pretty sure hate me.

Bottom line. If being too full of Christmas spirit is naughty, I don't wanna be nice.

Filtered: Coming Soon to a Bookstore Nowhere Near You

Happy Hunger Games! It's officially November and that means we are mere weeks away from the midnight premiere of Catching Fire and I'm so excited I could die. But I won't. I don't know what inspired this new trend of futuristic/dystopian fiction, but I love it. I read Divergent in 2 days and when I finished it I felt like I had nothing left to live for. (If you don't lose your will to live after the last page, was it really a good book?) Anyways, I love this new genre so much that I am in the process of writing my own called Filtered, and I of course had to give a sneak peak on White Girl Wednesday.

Before the preview, I want to explain the concept behind this soon to be New York Times Best Seller. Filtered is a satirical parody of how obsessed people are with social media these days. You have your Twitter addicts, the Tumblrs, the Facebook stalkers. And then there are the Instafamous. I know some people on Instagram who could upload a picture of them vomiting and get 100 likes in 5 minutes. Me, I could Instagram a picture of me on my wedding day (jokes) and get maybe 3 likes (if I can convince my brothers to get Instagrams). I could call my house phone every hour on the hour and my family would screen my calls because they would rather text but I post a picture with a cute guy and next thing you know my mother remembers she has a daughter. Filtered's intention is to show how giving this much technology and access to the internet to children is probably the worst thing to happen to parenting since Ritalin.

Filtered. Introduction.

In the fictional country of Sociamedia, people are split into social classes based on their Instagram filter of choice.These classes lead to a semi-hierarchy. At the age you get your first iPhone, you are given one month to decide the filter that will define your life. There are 20 different filters to choose from, but there always a few who choose to live their lives unfiltered. (Dun dun dun! Yes, I am already working on a screen play for the film that is sure to come. Steven Spielberg, if you are reading this, I want Morgan Freeman to narrate. Obviously.)

The classes form alliances based on similarities. The slightly filtered classes work well together, those include Hudsons, Nashvilles, Waldens and Earlybirds. This bunch gets along best with the No Filters. The light filters of Amaros, Rises, Valencias and Sierra group together in opposition to the dark filters of X-Pro IIs, Lo-Fis, Sutros, Brannans and Hefes. The sepia-style filters, Mayfairs, Toasters, 1977s and Kelvins (although let's be real, who really uses Kelvin?) don't get along with the Black and White Filters, Willows and Inkwells.

There are ongoing battles between the Sepias and the B&Ws. There are ongoing battles between the Lights and the Darks. And the Slights and the No Filters struggle to survive the constant turbulence.

In the small town of Hashtag, located on the eastern coast of Sociamedia, Asher and Story are quickly approaching their 8th birthday. Both of their parents have promised them iPhones on their shared birthday of July 7th. (Because parents these days think it is normal to give toddlers hundreds of dollars worth of technology as a present for learning how to walk. Before we know it babies will be uploading their own pics #myfirsttooth #instavid #rolledover #firstword #likesfornotcrying.) The children in Sociamedia text before they can talk, the spoken language is slowly dying out.

Asher and Story have been best friends for as long as they remember. Their parents are all Lights and all best friends. Story can't imagine her world changing, she loves everything about being a Light. And as long as she and Asher both remain Lights, the world is theirs. Asher and Story make a pact that no matter what happens in their Processing Period, they will both choose to remain Lights.

But everything changes at the Uploading Ceremony, where Story realizes she would rather continue life as a Slight. Can one letter really change her life all that much? Little does she know Asher has also changed his fate and decided to switch to the No Filters.

Asher and Story are now a part of the Slight and No Filter Alliance. The SNA is an underground group that has been slowly working on a way to remove the class hierarchy in Sociamedia for decades. Asher and Story both produce promising work in the SNA over their adolescent years, with many small victories along the way. But when they both turn 20, they learn that they can't legally marry since they are not of the same Filter class. They both decide that the SNA's plan will take too long, too many lives will be paused, unable to upload in the process. Instead of sitting there to buffer, the couple take matters into their own hands.

But is true love worth giving up their Instagram profiles? Is life off the social media grid freeing and independent or lonely and isolated?

Only time will tell.

The Best of Halloween

I'm sure y'all are just as excited as I am for Halloween. I say this mainly because the proverbial y'all likely only consists of my mother and Zach, both of whom are, to my knowledge, excited for Halloween. So I thought the best way to pay homage to the start of the holiday season was to clue you all in on my favorite (and therefore the best) parts of Halloween.

Movies
In no particular order. Except for Hocus Pocus which is of course deservedly at the top with no close second. As soon as any of the other movies get a talking cat named Thackery Binks I will reconsider the standings. Please note that there is no Stephen King, that guy is a genius but seriously disturbed.


Hocus Pocus
I think we can all agree that it is the right decision to watch Hocus Pocus every time it is on television. Thora Birch is precious and the Sanderson sisters are just great. Bette Midler is perfection per usual and SJP is her normal, fabulous self. It'll put a spell on you.

Practical Magic
This movie exists in a world where Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are sisters. So there's that. I love every movie that suggests there is some normal girl just chillin until one day she discovers she's a witch. This movie has that goin on for generations. And sisters committing and covering up a homicide? How fun!

The Little Vampire
I for one think of this as more of a year-round classic, but I understand that my more close-minded contemporaries associate vampires with Halloween. Jonathan Lipnicki is too much, is he not? The vampire cows actually really freak me out and if you say they don't bother you you're a liar. This movie is the reason I always include whistling in the skills section of my resume.

Beetlejuice
If you have limited resources pretty much any Tim Burton movie will do but Beetlejuice is the undisputed king of Halloween. Geena Davis, Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara. And most importantly, The Banana Boat Song.

The Addams Family
Christina Ricci is gold. Wednesday Addams makes being a psychopath cool, but even more impressive, she makes braided pig tails cool. But seriously, the love story between Gomez and Morticia is epic and inspiring to all of us still searching for our cara mias.

Episodes
So many excellent candidates but only 5 spots, any show worth its storage in the DVR has a killer Halloween episode, but these are my favorites.

Reba
Best Li'l Haunted House in Texas. The whole premise is that it is hard for Reba to scare her family since they are grown up. And she goes around telling everyone they've been "Reba'd!" Of course, Reba could do anything at it would be adorable, but I love this episode.

Even Stevens
The main thing I remember about this episode is that Louis is a penguin jockey and I thought that his costume actually walked for him. Needless to say I thought that was the coolest thing ever wanted one, not for Halloween but for my everyday use to put an end to my pedestrian status forever. I have since learned that Louis's legs were actually the penguin's legs and he was walking like normal. However  I have not forgiven my little brother for crushing my dreams of being a penguin jockey someday.

Pretty Little Liars
If you aren't obsessed with Pretty Little Liars like you should be, you're groaning right now but this could not go unsaid. The PLL Halloween special is essential in keeping PLL fans alive from the August finale to the new season premier in January. So basically, we couldn't live without Halloween.

Friends
Let me begin by saying that this episode made it on the list in spite of, not because of, Chandler's bunny costume. I have a strong aversion to slash fear of people dressed as animals that was inspired by a man dressed as a bunny, but Joey dressed as Chandler and Ross as the wannabe punny Spudnik, make up for Chandler the bunny.

Modern Family
I think the single best thing about this episode is that Claire tells Alex she should spend more time on her Halloween costume and less time on her homework. Parenting, for the win! Also, Gloria tries speaking in an English accent.

Costumes
I still remember most of my costumes growing up. There was the red crayon, a classic. The turtle costume that fire ants got into, good times. And of course the Anastasia costume, my prized possession. If I had a dollar for every time I tried to wear that thing to school, well I would have one dollar because my mother told me to never deviate from my pre-planned outfit choices again.

Third Wheel
This. Is. Genius. You just take a wheel of any old bike, it doesn't even have to be your bike, and with some adhesive, stick it to yourself. Then you photobomb couple pics all night. Genius.


Your Next Girlfriend
This is what I am going to say to any hot guy who asks what I am being this year. And by that I mean I am painfully shy and will probably just blush and say nothing, but still, it's a nice thought.

Babies in Actual Pumpkins
This isn't so much a costume as it is probable child abuse, but do yourself a favor and google image search babies in pumpkins. It's precious.

Wrecking Balls
This will likely lose significance after Halloween 2k13, but every costume I have seen of people and pets dressed as wrecking balls with Miley on top is sick. I don't mean wicked cool I mean it's actually disgusting, but a funny costume.

The Sun Drop Girl
A classic. Bonus points if you actually look like her. More bonus points if you do the dance. And even more bonus points if you hand people  Sun Drops all night.

Candy
Such an important part of Halloween, it's always important to have one day for trick or treating and another day for general rabble-rousing. And practice your looks of disdain for houses who give out DOTS. I swear no one in the world likes DOTS.

Candy Corn M&Ms
I don't like candy corn. I actually hate it. But I was recently introduced to candy corn M&Ms by a friend, and they didn't make me want to vomit the half pound of candy I already ate that day, and that day wasn't even Halloween.


Twizzlers
I recognize that most people do not like Twizzlers, which is precisely what makes them one of my favorites. My brothers will just give these to me, I don't even have to trade them any of the good stuff. I pretty much have Halloween Twizzlers in my candy drawer year round because I'm convinced that like cockroaches, they could survive a nuclear holocaust.

Reese's Pumpkins
Every holiday Reese's is of course one of my favorite candies. A lot of people say the pumpkins are their favorite because of the peanut butter to chocolate ratio. I've never understood those people. Reese's Christmas Trees will be my favorite until they start making Reese's flags.

Caramel Apple Pops
Honestly, I haven't been able to enjoy these since my OD of 2009 (thanks Food Lion MVP special), but I recognize that they deserve a spot on this list. I would be lying if I didn't admit to throwing away the sucker as soon as all the caramel is gone. But still, a must.

Mini M&Ms
I know M&Ms are already on the list, but the minis are just so much better. And mini M&Ms always seem to pop up around Halloween. You can get them any time of year, but they're just not as good as they are on Halloween.

Songs
Based on my very own Halloween playlist. Please note that I am forcing my friends to start getting ready tonight so that we can listen to my playlist in its entirety.

Wicked Little Girls, Esthero
Such a classic to apparently only me because my roommates always go "huh" when I play this but you really need to know this song. It will help you tap into your inner femme fatale as you're getting ready. Side Note-if you aren't being anything sexy for Halloween, maybe skip this song. 

Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me, Glee Cast
Of course Rocky Horror and of course Glee. This song is inappropriate for anyone under the age of 13 and any of my little cousins or siblings no matter how old you are!

Thriller, Michael Jackson
Because how could you not? It's Thriller, it's MJ, it's great. Extra points to anyone who loves the Glee Thriller/Heads Will Roll mash up as much as I do.

Don't Wake Me Up, Chris Brown
To be honest this is more of my theme song for November 1st when I inevitably have to wake up from the post-Halloween revelry hibernation that lasted all of 2 hours and drag my butt to class looking like a before picture. 

Blow, Ke$ha
Fun fact, Halloween is referred to as Glitter Day in some parts of the world. I made that up, but does that make it any less true? As the prime minister of all things sparkle, Ke$ha is an absolute must for any Halloween playlist. I chose Blow because I feel like it completely captures the atmosphere of all the parties I crash Halloween night.

If 90s Disney Existed...Along with 90s Niceklodeon and 90s Cartoon Network

Like everyone else lucky enough to be born in the 90s (and by lucky I mean blessed beyond belief, and by 90s I do not mean 1999, capice?) I often find myself missing the Disney shows of yore. I miss getting home from school and watching hours of television before my parents turned it to the 6:00 news, or as I like to call it, Kill Me Now. I miss watching a marathon of my favorite shows while my Dad pretends to be paying bills, but every now and then he chuckles because he still has the same sense of humor as a 13 year old girl apparently.

I think my suffering has gone on long enough. I have decided that Disney has left me with no other choice but to provide them with a line up of the shows they are going to need when they ultimately create 90s Disney, the best television channel known to mouseketeer kind. This channel will feature all of  my favorite shows from the 2000s, shows that us 90s kids grew up watching.

But then I thought...why stop at Disney? Why not have all of the networks responsible for my childhood obesity start throwback channels? Hence...

90s Disney
Lizzie McGuire
My ultimate favorite, hearing the theme song brings tears to my eyes. Before she was Hillary Duff she was Lizzie, a clueless, clumsy, unpopular middle schooler existing at a time when people called it "junior high" to make it sound more glamorous.

That's So Raven
It's the future I can see (we all do it, just finish the theme song in your head and keep reading). A classic girl-boy-girl friend group, an annoying little brother, and clueless parents. The same plot line as virtually every other show from the 2000s, but it never gets old.
 
Even Stevens
Face it, you have a crush on Donnie. And Ren is your role model (or maybe just mine). And we all have a Beans. And let's not forget the movie, also known as my favorite part of summer 2003.

Kim Possible
Because you can never get enough Christy Carlson Romano, and Kim was the original BA. I'm convinced she was the inspiration for Katniss Everdeen and Tris Prior. A killer ringtone, naked mole rat, and cargo capris. This show makes nachos look delicious to the lactose intolerant.

Hannah Montana
Make fun all you want, this was a good show and I know that somewhere underneath that 20 year old twerkin out for help, there is a Hannah. I miss this show so much, I cried during the last episode, the movie, and every time I hear "Wherever I Go". She had it all but instead of envying her you loved her, perhaps because you know her father used to have a mullet and that is more achey breaky heartache than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.

Recess
Where to begin? Recess was the show to end all shows. It really captured the alternate universe that is recess. There were so many subplots going on, my personal favorite was The Ashleys, who I'm convinced were the inspiration for The Plastics.

90s Nickelodeon
Rugrats
I am still amazed that I watched a show about babies for as long as I did. But at the same time, I would watch it again in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. To this day I name every lizard I encounter Reptar, and I don't think that's wrong.

Rocket Power
Such a rad show. Just 4 best friends, livin it up, skatin around, hangin 10, bein groovy, and a lot of other cliche skater slang used in this show.

The Wild Thornberrys
Let me just say that if this show was on Netflix, I would have to get back together with my ex just so I could use his Netflix account again. This show made me thankful I didn't have an older sister but also really bummed that my family didn't travel the world in a glorified RV. Eliza made me want to talk to animals too, and I don't even like animals. That is one powerful little ginger.

As Told By Ginger
Another ginger, who is actually named Ginger. I for one loved this show, but most of my friends have never heard of it. It's a lot like Awkward. (another show I LOVE). Ginger has 2 best girl friends, the gossip queen Dodie and Macie, and Asian with green hair. The interesting thing about this show is that Ginger is also friends with the popular Courtney. Like real friends.

The Angry Beavers
I'm really not sure why I loved this show so much but I'm pretty sure it had a lot to do with the fact that the main characters are named Dagget and Norbert. And of course the fabulous voice of Nick Bakay (aka Salem the cat).

Hey Arnold!
The obvious choice, everyone loves Hey Arnold! Life has thrown this poor kid some lemons (such as a football-shaped head) but it also threw him a pet pig named Abner. Let's face it, we've all been the Helga at some point, right? No? Just me then.

90s Cartoon Network
Totally Spies
Best. Show. Ever. I loved this show and I still don't understand why I can't have lipstick that is also a laser and other cool gadgets. The only flaw of this show is that it was produced by a French company. 

Dexter's Laboratory
Not gonna lie, the main thing I remember about this show is the weird sound effect of Dee Dee looking over Dexter's shoulder. Dexter's weird accent that is for no apparent reason is also a nice touch. Need I remind you that he has a pet monkey who is also a secret superhero? (Perry the Platypus totally stole his thunder.)

Courage the Cowardly Dog
This show was actually terrifying. The banana people are the worst for me, but all of it is bad. I couldn't watch this show again but I know that not everyone is as freaked out by dogs who have holes in their teeth as I am. But overall, that is one messed up dog. I would never let my little brother watch this show, and he's 16 years old.

The Flintstones
I liked this show in spite of those awful vitamins that everyone else seemed to love. Those guys were disgusting, I don't care what y'all say. My favorite thing about this show is the relationship between Wilma and Betty, and I hope that one day I can have a best friend to wear tattered dresses with.

Tom and Jerry
Who doesn't love Tom and Jerry? Communists, that's who. I'm fairly certain that part of the U.S. citizenship exam is naming your favorite Tom and Jerry episode. Whether your favorite is Tom (wrong choice) or Jerry (there you go), you could probably watch this show for hours and not get bored, much like how Tom could try to kill Jerry for hours and not give up. Well played, MGM, well played.

The Snorks
They're like smurfs that live underwater. Need I say more? I used to watch this show every morning before school while I organized my Froot Loops by color (OCD starts early). They come in all different colors and use clams as currency. I'm sold.

To My Future Children

For girls in middle school, 3 things are certain. Ugliness, awkwardness, and fighting with your mother. I told my mother that I thought 13 was a bad age for me and she said 13 wasn't as bad as 17. I was 17 at the time. Ouch.

Anyways, although we have had our rough patches, like when she gave away my EasyBake Oven, got my cousin the only toy I wanted for Christmas, and forgot my birthday, my Mom is awesome. She started a journal to me before I was born and updated it every few months. Which inspired me to do the same for my children. But I figure, why wait until I know for certain that I'm not going to die alone with only cats and or a collection of rare reptiles that will inevitably end up eating most of my body before I'm discovered? That could take decades! So I'm starting today.

Future Children-

First of all, let me just say that I am hoping there are 6 of you. If there are less than 4 of you then I have succeeded in my dream of starting my own non-profit. So yay me, but I am also not making any money. Good thing I made this an electronic letter or we would probably be burning it for warmth. If there are more than 6 of you then I have succeeded in my other dream of marrying rich and I am likely lounging in the veranda with a sparkling white grape juice cocktail or buying my body weight in accessories as the nanny reads this to you.

There are several issues you may have with me. First of all, you all have Hebrew names. You're welcome. You may have inherited my mediocre looks, knack for self-deprecating humor, and lackluster body. I apologize for that. But I'm sure you all have dashing personalities. If any of you have my widow's peak, again I'm sorry. I want you to begin your adolescence knowing you need to buy sunglasses with large round frames to balance out your heart-shaped face, a lesson I learned the hard way.

I am really hoping I have grown out of saying "your mom" after literally everything by now. I don't count on it, but it would be nice. You guys may be upset at me for forcing you to watch many of the greatest shows of my time, which your stupid generation would call outdated. Let me just tell you that everything I needed to know in life, I learned from Friends. You might say "Mom you're so lame we wanna watch Miley: Twerkin for Love and Dancing with People Who Were on TV Once. I hate Big Bang Theory, could anyone be less cool than Sheldon Cooper?" And to that, I say "your mom!"

I needed some help in finishing this letter, so I turned to the source of ultimate wisdom. The internet. According to Yahoo Answers, an official sponsor of my college career, there are 8 words I should include in this letter. Love, notice, enjoy, proud, cherish, hope, believe, and promise. So here goes.

You should all know that I love kit kats, so don't think I don't notice when y'all take mine. I really enjoy how you all stop talking when I enter the room, I'm sure it's a sign of respect. I am proud that you know all of the words to Baby Got Back. While I will always cherish my life before wearing pants in public, I wouldn't trade you all for a million pesos. Two million and we'll talk. I hope you appreciate the musical genius that is Phil Collins, because I believe he is the Chuck Norris of percussion. I can't promise that I will be less weird in the future, so don't get your hopes up.

All my love and what was left of my sanity,
Mom

Obligatory Fall Post

This is White Girl Wednesday, and now that it's October and undeniably fall, I had to do a fall post. White girls love fall, and I for one do not know why. They always tweet about yoga pants, scarves, hot chocolate and other things that I generally associate with winter. As far as I'm concerned, pants should be worn as little as possible, which is why I have deemed November through February to be pants season. All other months are shorts-friendly. So in my little world (and I don't mean little in a demeaning way, I mean we're very exclusive), fall is only the month of October. September is still summer and November is winter. Please not that this has a lot to do with the fact that I live in North Carolina and therefore our Septembers are still ridiculously hot and by November I'm just so pumped for Christmas that I decide it's officially winter.

That being said, I'm not really a fall person. Now there are plenty of traditional white girl things that I dislike. Sororities, fraternities, Starbucks, Jack Rogers, Lilly Pulitzer, Michael Kors, and Twilight to name a few. But I think that not loving fall is the biggest offense against my fellow white girls. There are some things I love about fall. There are some things I really don't like about fall. At the risk of having my government-issued white girl card revoked, I am going to share those today.

Love...bugs dying. Hate...leaves.
I am highly allergic to insect bites, grass, seasons, just nature in general. I have an entire fire ant kit that I keep with me because if there is a fire ant mound within a mile radius of me, I will find it. It's a hidden talent of mine. So one thing I look forward to as the weather changes is the imminent death of the beasts that have plagued me in particular since early March. I swear there is a mafia of baby mosquitoes outside my house that have it out for me. Some fall nights I go to sleep with a smile on my face just knowing that those pests are slowly freezing to death. About this same time, leaves start to fall. And leaves are cool I guess, but white girls totally flip out over them. Leaves kind of annoy me because they make my steps so loud that I can't follow my crush around campus in a nondescript way. I can't tell what's worse, all the Instagram posts of leaves and trees or all the tweets that are nothing but emoji leaves and trees. Let's just call it a tie.

Love...Hocus Pocus. Hate...all other Halloween movies.
I think we can all agree that Hocus Pocus is one of the best movies ever made and Sarah Jessica Parker has never looked better. But...ABC Family starts pumping everyone up at the beginning of September for 13 Days of Halloween (which will NEVER be 25 Days of Christmas, no matter how hard Tim Burton and Beetlejuice both try), but the sad reality is that the other Halloween movies just aren't that great. I know what you're thinking, The Little Vampire is totally awesome, and you're right. But The Little Vampire can be watched year round, it's epicness cannot be confined to a season. But come on, Halloweentown? It's a no from me (Simon Cowell voice).

Love...Mean Girls Day. Hate..."Computer Learning Month".
October the Third is obviously one of my favorite holidays, it's one of those white girl trappings you just can't avoid. I'm actually working on a petition to make every October third that happens to fall on a Wednesday the official White Girl Wednesday holiday, celebrated by everyone wearing pink which is perfect because it's breast cancer awareness month. Yes I have too much free time and yes, I'll keep you posted. But that brings me to my next point. What you probably don't know is that October is Computer Learning Month. I am not okay with that on so many levels. First of all, who dares steal breast cancer awareness's thunder? Shame on you! And last of all, techies are always talking about how computers are so smart and they can do this and they can replace me and blah blah blah. Why don't computers take a month to learn how to work with humans? How about that? Cause I can't even figure out how to send an email since Microsoft Office updated and I refuse to believe that is my fault.

Love...pumpkin muffins. Hate...pumpkin everything else.
As a white girl I am expected to be obsessed with pumpkin-flavored everything, especially the pumpkin spice latte. But I don't drink coffee, so every fall I break two white girl cliches with one caffeine aversion. I do however, appreciate a moderate pumpkin flavor, such as in my pumpkin muffins, which are delicious. But I do not deck the halls with pumpkin candles every October, I do not eat pumpkin pie and I do not try to insert pumpkin flavor into perfectly innocent recipes.

Love...football. Hate...not basketball.
I love football just as much as the next white girl. And by "the next white girl" I obviously mean all those girls who tweet stupid stuff like "Yay Tom Brady is so cute, go Cowboys!" to make it seem like they actually watch football. I love spending a Sunday watching football with my family, but I have no desire to watch football 24/7 and I refuse to pretend that I do. My favorite part about football season is that it means my Dad will finally stop watching baseball for a little while and basketball season is on the way. Once basketball is back on TV, football turns back into a pumpkin (fall pun completely intended).

Love...scarves. Hate...infinity scarves.
Like I said earlier, scarves are great. In the winter, when it's cold. If you live in Canada, you can wear scarves all year round, but here in America it is not normally cold enough to wear a scarf on October 1st just because all the white girls got together and decided that day marks the official start of fall instead of the fall equinox, as decided centuries ago. Scarves are for warmth people, if I can see your elbows and/or knees, you don't need to be wearing a scarf. Which brings me to infinity scarves. Infinity scarves are completely ingenuous when used correctly. If no part of the scarf is actually touching the front of your neck, I want to punch you there just to remind you what that scarf is supposed to be doing.

Real Pets of Chapel Hill

Let me tell y'all something...I'm not an animal person. I get that this makes me weird, heartless, cruel, a jerk, whatever. I don't care. Whenever someone asks me what my favorite animal is I just say children. I do of course love otters as much as the next person because let's face it, otters=friendship=love. Those little guys hold hands when they fall asleep so they don't drift apart and lose each other, and if that's not precious then I don't know what is.

Anyways, I am currently living in a house with 3 pets, and 3 roommates. It's not as bad as I thought it would be either. I mean the roommates, the pets are actually awful. I'm jkin of course (because the verb just kidding can now be abbreviated). The pets are okay, but the best part about them is that they all have their own distinct and hilarious personalities. Frederick is by far the smartest and the dogs are in a tie for dumbest.

As much as I believe that I deserve my on reality show (a cross between Glee and Lizzie McGuire), my pets could actually have their own show. Between dealing with their 4 mothers and each other, these guys could easily have a weekly show about their shenanigans. So consider this week's post a preview of the pitch I will be making to E! Network shortly.

PS-I took the liberty of editing the profanity out of Frederick's thoughts. He's about that sass life.

Frederick the Turtle
"Day 47. Still planning my escape."
"Day 43. I have finally been placed in a new containment facility. Bigger. His majesty is pleased."
"Day 36. The dogs get to roam wherever they please. I am trapped. I hate these women."
"Day 33. No one asked me if I wanted a puppy."
"Day 29. Why does the fat one keep talking to me like I'm an infant. I am a 50 year old reptile."
"Day 23. The blonde one thinks we're friends. Ugh."
"Day 22. Still looking to escape. There's a crack in my container that I have high hopes for."
"Day 15. My escape plan is taking longer than I had hoped. Rats."
"Day 10. Various attempts to end my life have all failed."
"Day 8. They surely know they have to feed me and change my water...right?"

Gauge the Black Lab Puppy
"Hey Marge. Aren't you so glad we're best friends?"
"It's so nice of my moms to buy such a big couch for me to poop under." 
"Marge! Wanna play with me yet? No? How about now? Still no? Now?"
"Look Marge, we're going on a walk together. A best friend walk."
"Marge is sitting down. She must want to play."
"Hey Marge I got your rope so we can play with it together."
"Have to pee, have to p...just peed."
"Everybody's gonna love today, love today, love today."
"What rhymes with feed me? Hey hey hey."
"Marge is sleeping. She wants to play!"

Marge the Boxer
"I hate that stupid puppy."
"Gauge this, Gauge that. I'm cute too!"
"My underbite is looking dapper as always."
"Seriously why is the puppy still here?"
"Puppy stahp this is mine. And that. That's mine too."
"Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?"
"Someone get the puppy off my face please. Someone? Help."
"If I keep trying I will eventually be able to fit under this table."
"Mom let me sit on you. Not beside you, not near you. On you."
"This is my couch. Like seriously, get off."


And a special shout out to my friend Josh for taking my advice...there's a first for everything.

Conversations I Have Every Week

Does anyone else frequently tell their friends the same stories only to be interrupted halfway through by complaints because they claim to hear that story every week. Well excuse me for not having an interesting life, it's not my fault nothing exciting ever happens to me! And you know that once something halfway out of the ordinary actually does happen to me, I'm just gonna add that story into the current rotation, so be careful what you wish for.

Along with stories I tell "every week" there are certain conversations I have every week. You would think these exchanges would get old after a while but I can assure you, they don't. I have recorded these conversations below. You will see my words in black and everyone else's in purple. Enjoy.

With my BFF
"Is it summer yet?
No. 
Are you sure?
Yes.
Man. That sucks.
I know."

"I don't want to read.
I don't want to study.
Let's drop out of college and be gypsies.
Ok."

"Are we trophy wives yet?
Well, we're not married so I don't think so.
Dern."

"Boys are stupid.
So are sorority girls.
And everyone.
I hate people.
Me too."

"Is it Friday yet?
I vote yes.
Glad that's settled."

With my Roomates
"We really need to take the trash out.
Yeah, we really do.
...no one moves..."

"We're out of milk, bread, toilet paper, dog food and chocolate.
And juice and paper towels and bownie mix.Wanna go to WalMart?"
Nah. I don't feel like wearing pants."

"I have a test tomorrow and a paper due Wednesday.
I have a paper due tomorrow, an exam Tuesday and a project due Thursday.
Wanna watch Mean Girls?
Totally."

With my Parents
"Night.
Night."

"There was a shooting in San Francisco, which is basically the Chapel Hill of the West Coast. Are you ok?
Yes Mom, I'm fine."

"How are your classes going?
Fine.
How are your grades?
Cs get degrees."

"Oh my gosh are you okay? Text me or call me ASAP I'm worried.
I'm fine, why?
I didn't hear from you last night.
Wow."

"I miss you, I'm worried about you, I need to hear from you.
Then why don't you call me or text me?
...cricket..."

"I need y'all to put more money in my account, rent is due tomorrow.
...no reply..."

With my Classmates
"Did you do the reading?
Nope."

"Have you started that paper due tomorrow?
Nope."

"Did you know we have a project due tonight?
Nope."

"Have you started studying for that test Friday?
Is it Thursday night?
No.
Then nope."

Advice For College Freshmen Part 1: Lower Your Expectations

Now that I've been back in school for a month and have had plenty of time to make fun of all the freshmen walking around campus with their orientation lanyards and naive optimism, I actually feel sorry for them and want to help. What can I say? I'm a giver. I am sharing the 3 biggest misconceptions I had about college when I was a freshman. I finally know now what everyone else around me has known for years...that I'm an idiot. So don't follow in my footsteps freshmen, wake up every single day with the goal to not be as hopelessly pathetic as I was, which shouldn't be too hard.

Mistake # 1 I thought I would get much smarter.
I remember being so confused in classes my freshman year, just having no idea what was going on and thinking hey, it can only get better from here. First semester of my freshman year I took a Intro to Public Policy. To this day I still don't know what public policy is. In my defense, I continually ask other people what it is, and they don't know either! Anyways, at that time I was so sure that as I finished general education classes and moved on to my actual major and area of interest I would understand the subject material better. This was my first mistake. Every year I manage to not get kicked out of college, I only get more and more confused in my classes. I realized this was a trend earlier this semester when I found out that all of the girls who speak up, understand and actually do the readings in my social justice class are sophomores. I hadn't even had a college political science class when I was their age and here they are lapping me on the philosophical doctrines of Plato and Nozick. My mistake was over-estimating myself, since then I have adjusted my expectations accordingly. And I can assure that Cs, do indeed, get degrees.

Mistake # 2 I thought I would love my roommate.
Another major misconception I had about college...I for some reason thought that I would quickly become best friends with my roommate. I tried to keep myself realistic and realize that we probably wouldn't be actual best friends until like day 3, but I was totally unprepared for what I actually discovered. Everyone has different talents. Some people are good at math, some people are good at art, other people are good at knowing which scent of hand soap to buy at Bath and Body Works, and some people just have a knack for getting really crappy roommates. In case you couldn't guess, I'm the last one. In retrospect, my roommate freshman year wasn't so bad. It just took me living through the misery that was my sophomore year roommate to realize that. Now, both of my roommates were perfectly nice girls. I would just rather shave my head bald than have to live with either of them again.
My freshman year roommate just had a weird work schedule so she would come home at like 3 in the morning and sleep till at least 12, not too bad. Of course there was that one time that she left broken glass all over my rug, that was sweet of her. She also may have punched a hole in our suite's bathroom window. The worst part was that she was a vegetarian, so our room, especially her stuff, had a certain funk to it. An inescapable funk. To this day I still don't trust vegetarians, although to be fair, I never really have.
But this was nothing compared to the torture that was sophomore year. My roommate was actually insane. To this day I swear she was majoring in Netflix, I only saw her doing actual work twice during the year. Other than that, she basically stayed on her laptop watching entire seasons of shows at a time. She was in our room about 99% of the time and went to bed around 9 every night only to wake up at 10 or 11 the next morning. This was all pretty minor stuff. What was particularly enraging was her attitude. She was fond of slamming doors and often called her parents to talk crap about me. But the final straw was about a week before the end of the school year.
I was sitting on her bed because I had several friends over watching a  movie and there was nowhere else to sit. I didn't think she would care and didn't think she would be coming back that day. She walks in, sees me, leaves her suitcase, walks back out. My friends all make jokes about how she is going to kill me but they aren't so much joking as they are warning me to leave the state. Long story short, one week before we were moving out of the room forever and she will never sleep in a twin extra long bed again, she bought an entire new set of bedding. She said that I knew how she felt about germs and that I was so disrespectful. I knew she liked for things to be clean but I had no idea she had an actual psychological disorder. I mean she should have brought me a doctor's note or something. Needless to say, we never spoke again and lived happily ever after.

Mistake # 3 I thought I would make friends.
This one was probably the best let down. I have made less than a dozen new friends in college that I spend time with every week. Now granted, had I gone to another college this could have changed. But I was lucky enough to come to college with several of my best friends from high school. We're all still best friends. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But honestly. I really should have known that regardless of the circumstances, I wasn't going to make new friends in college. It took me long enough to trick my current friends into socializing with me, way longer than the four short years I have here. 

Ultimate Girl Heroes: Harry Potter Edition

Am I the only one who frequently leaves all of my homework for Sunday night, only to realize that ABC Family Channel is having a Harry Potter weekend? I then try to skim dense readings on utilitarianism and game theory while watching the series in its entirety. Needless to say, not a lot of work gets done. (What television takes away from my studies, Wikipedia always manages to make up for.) Well, that happened to me this weekend and inspired me to write a Harry Potter edition of Ultimate Girl Heroes, because who among us is not still waiting for our acceptance letter to Hogwarts?

Luna Lovegood
Everyone's favorite Ravenclaw, your child-like innocence is so endearing that you have many friends. You definitely make your own rules and dance to the rhythm of weird. I can't quite decide if you're albino, but after a year I stopped caring and decided I like you anyway.

Hermione Granger
You're likely the smartest person in all of your classes and while you take pride in that, you don't rub it in everyone's face.You may be the only female in history to ever be friendzoned, but don't worry. Your guy best friend will wake up. Eventually.

Bellatrix Lestrange
I know what you're thinking, Bellatrix is a bad guy, so why would she be anyone's hero? While I will admit that Bellatrix is 100% pure evil, she is also 10000000% pure awesome. Helena Bonham Carter is a rockstar. But I digress. You are a powerful force with a dark side.Okay, actually you're all dark side. You will turn against your family and friends in an instant. But you do have some fabulous hair.

Minerva McGonagall
The woman. The legend. You are the ultimate teacher. You run a tight ship yet still manage to show compassion. A force to be reckoned with, you love to help others hone their crafts. You love being a team player yet don't mind taking the reins when necessary. No one takes Quidditch more seriously than you, and you understand the importance of crushing Slytherin at every opportunity.

Ginny Weasley
I just don't get you. I mean you're fine, nice enough, decent looking. You have no discernible personality and make every situation infinitely more awkward. But for some reason you capture the heart of the chosen one. Warning: with so many protective older brothers, I'm afraid a Miley rebellion could be in your future, please don't.

Molly Weasley
Your patronus is a lioness because you're constantly looking out for your family. You are friendly to everyone, but if someone tries to hurt the ones you love, they better watch out. You also understand the importance of stretching a galleon and know that hand-me-downs make the world go round.

Nymphadora Tonks
As a tomboy who goes by your last name, you spend your time keeping up with the boys. You understand that you can't always trust your family, so you surround yourself with friends. You were lucky enough to find true love and start a family, but you are always willing to risk your life for what you believe in. So what if your hair inspiration is Nicki Minaj?

*Happy September 11th everyone. Don't let today be filled with sadness but with pride to be a citizen of the greatest country in the world. Merica.

Disney's The Hunger Games

With a new school year comes new methods of procrastination. One of my personal favorites is staying up all night talking to my friends about topics that would seem dumb to anyone else (I mean, that's why we're friends, right?) Something my friends and I frequently discuss is, if for some reason there was a Hunger Games in Disney World, who would win? This topic has gotten me through many an exam week and my GPA would never have reached such abysmal lows without it.

Using the new rule that there can be 2 winners from the same district, I have analyzed the strengths and weaknesses of each team, but I will leave predicting who will actually win to you.

Jasmine and Aladdin
District 1: Luxury (cave of wonders)
Aladdin's street smarts will help this pair a little and the sultan will be an important sponsor, but these 2 have little else going for them. These newlyweds will be in for a whole new world of pain when they realize that they no longer have a genie or pet tiger to protect them. I bet Aladdin really regrets freeing Robin Williams now.

Mulan and Shang Li
District 2: Weapons (samurai swords and other offensive Asian cliches)
These 2 are pretty fierce. Actually, being a warrior is the only thing Mulan is good at. Mulan and Shang are career tributes with army training that gives them an edge. Mushoo will no longer be around to mess things up and they have ancestors watching over them. This could be the pair to beat.

Ariel and Prince Eric
District 4: Fishing (duh...unda da sea)
King Triton is a very powerful man who could be an important sponsor of this couple IF he forgives Ariel. Ariel will naturally have legs for the games, so Triton may have disowned her, who knows? But you can't discount Ariel's affinity for finding new uses for everyday objects, that skill could make her a threat.

Belle and Beast
District 5: Power (Belle-powerful mind, Beast-the strength of a wild animal, cause he is one)
Beast will be in human form for the games, which will definitely hurt this couple's chances. But Belle has read like every book ever written. I would liken her to Foxface, very sly and clever. She knows plenty, but being able to implement it and use it against the others could be a different story. I just don't see Belle being able to win a fight, she is French after all.

Cinderella and Prince Charming #1
District 6: Transportation (pumpkin carriage, remember?)
Unless Cinderella can clean the competition to death, these guys don't have a chance. Cinderella is helpless without her fairy godmother and now that she is living happily ever after, she is no longer entitled to supernatural help (it's in the fine print). And what can Charming 1 do? Maybe, just maybe, he can use his acute sense of foot size and shape to track the other tributes or animals, but who is going to do the killing? Bibbidi Bobbidi Losers.

Megara and Hercules
District 7: Lumber (because Olympus wasn't an option)
Hercules is obviously the Peeta of Disney, and his strength definitely gives this couple an edge. But all Meg knows how to do is be a damsel in distress, and Hercules having to pick up her slack could put them behind. The gods will likely choose not to get involved to avoid a family feud, what with King Triton being Poseidon's son and all. It really is a small world after all.

Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming #2
District 8: Textiles (her fairy godmothers do all the sewing)
What advantage could Aurora have? She will have to compete with Snow for control of the woodland creatures, losing them could really hurt her. And if Aurora and Charming 2 can't secure a safe place to sleep it will be game over. At least this Charming has an element of bravery. After battling a dragon, Charming 2 will have the upper hand over his competition should any muttations appear.

Esmeralda and Quasimodo
District 10: Livestock (her only friend is a goat)
Quasimodo's only talent is parkouring on Gothic buildings, which I doubt will be in the arena. Esmerelda could always perform some street magic to elude the other tributes, but there will be no sanctuary available. Esmeralda, while totally Disney's Glimmer, is not as feisty or likely to succeed.

Pocahontas and John Smith
District 11: Agriculture (it should be obvious)
John would probably be the first to die if not for Pocahontas. Pocahontas would be really good at handling the elements and living off the land, but is it enough to just out survive everyone? Keep in mind that this pair could hide and then ambush others because Pocahontas can paint like Peeta. No word yet on whether an "all the colors of the wind" palette will be included in the cornucopia.

Snow White and Prince Charming #3
District 12: Mining (hi ho, hi ho)
Snow and Charming 3 are another couple that would seem less than likely to win (Yes, I'm on a first name basis with them). But an important thing to remember is that Snow has 7 super rich friends. The dwarfs are miners, they have lots of diamonds. This could make them very important sponsors. Also, Snow is used to watching her back. Her defense is gonna be pretty good, but with no offensive strategy this couple could be in trouble.

*You should know that while I am a superfan, I do not belong to Team Peeta or Team Gale. I am pretty much just Team Katniss. I mean, Jennifer Lawrence is hawt.

Words That Need to Exist Like Now

I don't know about y'all, but I think conforming to traditional grammar rules is for losers and Yankees. Same difference, I know, but you get my point. I'm in journalism school so I am forced to use conventional grammar most of the time. And that is just a waste of creativity. Over time I have developed an extensive list of words that absolutely need to exist. I have also included an appropriate example of usage. I think that these words will make everyone's life better, or at the very least make people stop giving me weird stares when I call someone naca. Y'all are welcome.

*Y'all is not in this list because y'all should be aware that y'all is a word. Yousguys on the other hand, is not a word and I pray it never becomes one.

VietCongress
I mean really, I actually just thought this one up last week in class. It obviously doesn't apply to every Congress, just the ones that resemble/support the communist party. So basically all the democratically controlled Congresses. If anyone is offended by this, you are more than welcome to move to China.
"Did y'all hear that law the VietCongress is trying to pass on gun control? Commies."

Whoenall
I mean whoenall says this all the time? Cause I say it every weekend. It's the perfect term for asking about who is going to be at an event, in a class, at the gym, at a party, or whatever. It would take me much longer to say who and all, and I'm pretty sure that's not correct either so I'm cutting some consonants.
"Whoenall is gonna be there?"

Dramastic
I try really hard not to say this word because it just makes so much darn sense. When something is dramatic, it's drastic. And when something is drastic, it's dramatic. So for those really intense situations, you should be able to combine them to imply the  increased overall OMG-ness of the situation.
"Miley Cyrus has changed so dramastically. I miss Hannah Montana."

Naca
Ok, so this is a word in Spanish slash Mexican slang, but I have been using it for years because it is just perfection. This is mainly due to the fact that the pronunciation of the word requires equal parts sass and disdain. Naca is like the Latino version of ratchet, but more applicable to everyday people. Like I wouldn't call this girl I'm sitting across from right now who is wearing see through leggings as pants and has a beanie on when it is over 90 degrees outside ratchet, but I would slash already called her naca.
"I don't get Lady Gaga, she looks so naca sometimes. She should change her name to Lady Naca!"

Showma
This term is derived from show and coma. It refers to when you have spent the majority of the day in bed watching an entire season/s of a show on Netflix and you just feel so proud slash disgusted with yourself. Showma is often followed by a Hangshowver.
"I would love to get up and unlock the door for you right  now, but I'm in a serious Showma and I still have 2 episodes left. Go away."

De Ja Tune
Does anyone else ever experience this? You're listening to the radio and you think you recognize a song from like a decade ago and then you find out it is a new single? This happens to me frequently with Beyonce, Justin Timberlake and Katy Perry. It's a disorienting experience to say the least.
"Man I can't believe Take Back the Night is new! Must have been de ja tune."

Snarkastic
When a comment is both snarky and sarcastic. Frequently exemplified by females. Girls are almost always snarkastic around other girls they are intimidated by. So if a girl bumps into me, and she is wearing a really cute top, when she says sorry I am going to snarkastically say it's fine instead of the ultra-polite, you're fine I reserve for freshmen and foreign students.
"Ew, I just saw his new girlfriend. I was totes snarkastic to her."

Instacquaintance
When you are friends with someone on social media but not in real life. You don't dislike each other, you've just never spoken. So every time you see them in person you both do the awkward do I make eye contact, how do I talk to them without mentioning that I know their whole life thing. You have stalked them online at least once.
"I can't go talk to her, we're just instacquaintances. But I saw she did recently switch shampoo brands, and I wonder how that's going."

Delta Delta Diva
Anyone in a sorority or fraternity. Naturally, not someone you wanna be friends with.This applies to both males and females because the guys in fraternities can be divas and the girls in sororities definitely are. Can also refer to one who dresses/acts as if they are a part of Greek life. If a guy is wearing Vineyard Vines or a girl is wearing Jack Rogers, there needs to be a specific insult for them. I don't know what's taken the language world so long.
"Ughhh I sit beside a delta delta diva in that class. Kill me now."

Selfstagram
When a girl's instagram is 99% selfies, she has a selfstagram. Selfies every now and then are perfectly ok. Selfies everyday are not. A selfie to show off your new haircut is ok. A selfie to show off your new freckle is not. Girls with selfstagrams are almost always trying to get instafamous (have at least 100 likes on every picture, have over a thousand followers). Unfortunately, this often happens.
"I don't follow her, I don't like selfstagrams. I don't need to be reminded what her face looks like every 2 seconds."

Back to School Blues

For the past 5 days I have been living in a third world country. I don't mean that I have actually traveled outside of the best country in the world (as if), just that my new house does not have internet yet so it may as well be the slums of France or some other God-forsaken land.

If anyone wants to know why I do not yet have internet, I would be glad to tell you that story. Our internet guy came a few weeks ago, and was attacked by a swarm of yellow jackets living in our internet slash cable slash I don't understand technology box thingy. So he instructed us to email our landlords and have them get rid of the yellow jackets and then email him and he would come back. Sounds easy enough, right? Except for, oh yeah, how are we supposed to do all this emailing with NO INTERNET? We are on the first floor of this building too, so the 3G is non-existent. I have been living with no internet and no television for days.

It was not a liberating experience, it was not a life changing couple of days, it was not what dreams are made of. It sucked. But I have since dragged my butt to campus, gotten the computer guys to perform all those updates I ignore all summer long, and found internet! So let me begin my post for the first week of my junior year of college. Sigh.

The title of this post is a little misleading. I am not actually sad about being back at school. I have been dying to get back to campus since the beginning of July and I actually considered coming back in early May when I realized being home for the summer meant once again sharing a bathroom with my brothers. All the craziness of moving in and classes starting and oh yeah not having internet at my house is frustrating and stressful, but I am glad to be back. There are, however, two things I am not excited about. Classes. And people.

Let me just explain that I am a bit of a nerd. I am actually excited for my classes and interested in the subject matter (except for Advertising Copy and Communication, does anyone know what that even means?). But the actual act of physically walking/busing to class and sitting there for an hour and 15 minutes when I could be sitting at home in my pajamas eating cheese and watching Anastasia? No me gusta.  And then there's the "required reading" which at this point in my college career is honestly just cute. It tickles me pink that professors think that they can write the word required in front of something and I will do it or buy it or read it. Not gonna happen people.

That brings me to my second point. People. As I'm typing this I am staring out the window of the library (partially because it freaks people out that I can type without looking at my keyboard and partially because I am looking at a huge line to get into the dining hall for lunch). Campus is just so crowded for like the first month, and the freshman still have on their lanyards from orientation and its all too darling, and by darling I mean this is terrible, I want to die. I don't understand why it takes weeks for the freshman to realize that they don't actually want to eat lunch in the dining hall every meal of every day for the rest of their lives. But it does.

And maybe this is just at my college, but at certain times of the day, literally everyone is in my way. In the middle of pretty much every day, everyone within a 5 mile radius of campus stands around the dining hall talking and laughing and annoying me. 

PS - A note to the professor who told us to budget our printing money because we have to print off 30 page articles twice a week for your class...we are college students. We don't run around campus printing things off for poops and giggles. I only print what I absolutely have to and half the time I don't even do that. So can you not?

Top Ten Soundtracks of All Time (2013 Edition)

If I'm in my car, in my bedroom, home alone, or home with 10 other people, at the zoo, in a restaurant, wherever, there is a 99% chance I am singing. And I don't mean humming and singing the words I know or mouthing the words like a lady. I mean I am screaming at the top of my lungs and dancing along.

Since I spend so much time singing, who better to give you a list of the best soundtracks? Without further ado, I give you (in no particular order)...my favorite soundtracks.

Grease
I grew up watching this movie at my great aunt's house and to this day I am still shocked when I hear that someone has never seen this gem. I could never pick my favorite Grease song because I would give them all a 23 gazillion on a scale of 1 to 10. If you are between the ages of 0 and 100 you pretty much need to know all the words to Grease Lightening. Grease is the word.

Les Mis
Let me begin by saying that I have not even had the pleasure of seeing this movie yet and I already have the soundtrack memorized. I read this book in high school and all I can tell you about the plot is France, but I can sing every line of One Day More. Just think about it, anything French that I don't loathe, must be pretty darn good.

One Tree Hill
I'm gonna go ahead and say that Peyton's taste in music is terrible. The Cure sucks. Sorry not sorry. But Haley had some great songs, the title track is practically the theme song of my generation, and Non Believer by La Rocca is pure happiness.

Wicked
Again, I have never been to New York nor have I had the pleasure of experiencing the fabulousness that is Idina Menzel in real life, but I know every word to Popular and Defying Gravity even though I can hit none of the notes. Kristin Chenoweth has more talent in her 4 feet than I do in my 3000 pounds.

The Little Mermaid
All little girls obviously love The Little Mermaid and I love Ariel just as much as the next girl, but Part of Your World and Kiss the Girl ain't got nothin on Under the Sea. How can you compete with a hot crustacean band? 20 bonus points to anyone who also loves Timeflies Tuesday's version of Under the Sea.

Pitch Perfect
This soundtrack is aca-awesome and the movie is aca-super fantastic. The Breakfast Club tie in, the mash-ups, the Skylar Astin. Swoon. In this case, the movie is actually just as good as the soundtrack. It's the new Mean Girls.

Tarzan
2 words. Phil. Collins. Phil Collins is a musical genius and hands down the world's best percussionist. His soundtracks always have a totally different, totally awesome sound. Who among us could not dance to Trashing the Camp for hours? Exactly.

Anastasia
I don't even know where to begin. It's all the best. Meg Ryan's voice is too perfect and you can't tell me that Dimitri wasn't based on Shane West. From A Rumor in St. Petersburg to At the Beginning as the credits are rolling, every song is worthy of royalty. Too bad in real life Anya is not Anastasia. Oh yeah, historical spoiler alert.

Degrassi
I know that this show is Canadian, but that's its only flaw. Not only has this show featured several bands and singers over the seasons, but the promo song for every new season automatically becomes my obsession for the next month. Steal Your Heart by Augustana in particular.

The Lorax
Another movie I have yet to see. We tried to show this movie at work and Netflix kept messing up, so we basically watched the first 5 minutes about 10 times. In that first 5 minutes is only the best song ever. I don't even know if there are any other songs in this movie, and I don't care because I can, and have, listened to Thneedville twice a day every day for a week.

Monopoly Astrology

You might be embarrassed by it, you might even lie about it, but I'm willing to bet you all know your zodiac signs. Does anyone else remember a few years ago when some of the zodiac signs shifted by a few dates? I realize that this did not affect most people, but I couldn't help but observe that there had to be at least one person who had "aries" tattooed on their body, and now they're a taurus. Think before you ink people!

Anyways, I've always thought it was complete crap to claim that the date of your birth can really explain that much about your personality. To prove my point...Kelly Clarkson and Hitler are born in the same month. Also born in the same month? Ronald Reagan and Paris Hilton. I rest my case.

So I came to the rescue, as usual, and created a fool-proof way to really see who you are compatible with because let's face it, I know what y'all are really using your horoscopes for. This patented method, known as Monopology, will match you with a partner based on what Monopoly pieces you both like to play as. You're welcome.

Wheelbarrow
Compatible with: Iron. You both pay attention to the small details and will argue over who gets to do the housework instead of who has to do it.
Not compatible with: Battleship. They do not understand your "slow and steady" motto and their belligerence will make even you consider violence.

Battleship
Compatible with: Racecar. No one else will appreciate your need to win or tolerate your competitiveness.
Not compatible with: Wheelbarrow. Someone who takes life nice and slow will not work well with your "don't look, just leap" attitude.

Racecar
Compatible with: Money Sack. They have the dough to fuel your need for speed and will be totally on board with your showboating.
Not compatible with: Iron. Their work ethic and sweating the small stuff will really bum you out. And they will pretty much hate your guts.

Thimble
Compatible with: Old Boot. You have the same strong work ethic and don't mind living the simple life.
Not compatible with: Money Sack. Someone who likes cash that much is going to go shopping when clothes tear, not pull out the sewing kit to mend them.

Dog
Compatible with: Racecar. You both have the attention span of a squirrel and often act like 12 year olds. Heck, you might even both be 12 year olds.
Not compatible with: Top Hat. Their sophistication and maturity will bore you while your playfulness and lack of restraint will have them online shopping for Ritalin or animal tranquilizers, whichever is cheaper.

Top Hat
Compatible with: Man on a Horse. You're both sophisticated and refined socialites who appreciate a good party or adventure. Side Note-You also may both be gentlemen. Not much I can do about that, the heart wants what it wants.
Not compatible with: Old Boot. Their lack of showmanship will drive you insane. They expect clothing to be functional and have no time for accessories no matter how dapper. Incorrigible.

Iron
Compatible with: Thimble. You both don't mind putting in the effort to make sure your clothes are looking their best. You could even start a tailoring company together!
Not compatible with: Man on a Horse. They would not even pause to admire your work before wrinkling a crisp plaid button down riding off to the rodeo.

Money Sack
Compatible with: Top Hat. You both appreciate the finer things in life and have no problem throwing cash around.
Not compatible with: Old Boot. "Old" is not even in your vocabulary. You're the type who believes new shoes should be bought before the old ones literally fall apart whereas this guy, not so much into new kicks.

Old Boot
Compatible with: Wheelbarrow. You're both sturdy and dependable and understand that newer doesn't always mean better.
Not compatible with: Dog. Someone that fun-loving would never respect your age and character. You need someone who will admire your hard work, not poop all over it. Literally.

Man on a Horse
Compatible with: Battleship. You both believe in putting on a show and like to travel in style. You both love a good chase and a good battle. This may be the quintessential example of a "bad romance."
Not compatible with: Dog. This is Merica, not Great Britain. A couple can't like horses and dogs. Pick a team.

*DISCLAIMER: You should under no circumstances mate with anyone who always wants to be the banker. These people are obviously very controlling, over finances in particular. Their relationships typically end in divorce or bankruptcy, whichever comes first. 

Why Girls Aren't Playing Hard to Get

As I'm sure many of you are unaware, something very exciting happened this week. I'm talking rarer than my bank account balance being positive. Rarer than the Olympics. Rarer than Halley's Comet. Rarer than Joe Biden saying something intelligent. RARER THAN ME RUNNING.

Okay, that's enough suspense. I had a date. Whatevs. Nbd. I love him.

Anyways, the guy who asked me out hadn't texted me for months so I was surprised when he texted me and asked me out. When I told my Mother she said "I guess you playing hard to get worked?" I politely explained to her that I can't play hard to get because I am already particularly difficult to want.

That is when I realized that lots of people probably go around thinking that girls like playing hard to get, which is completely false. I mean I'm sure that there are some girls who think that what they are doing is playing hard to get, but from where I sit (alone), girls never actually do this.

I am especially concerned that there may be guys out there who think that the girls who don't like them and turn them down are just "playing hard to get." This is not true, we are playing leave me alone because I don't like you and I'm too nice. Learn the difference.

I also want to point out that this is completely different from when guys don't like me and turn me down because we all know those guys are gay.

So I figured it would be kind of me to spell out for my reader (and/or readers assuming people other than my Mother are reading this) all of the games girls are actually playing when you think we are playing hard to get. Below is a list and brief description of all the games girls are really playing.

Hard to Stomach
-When a girl is just repulsive. Sometimes this is intentional because a girl can tell you are trying to fight your way out of the friendzone. She will do whatever it takes to put you back in your place, even if that meets burping. In public. Other times this is completely accidental and a girl is just really ratchet. Bless her heart.

Hard to Want
-This is where I fit in. Girls "playing" hard to want are just ehhhhh in every category. Not completely disgusting but not necessarily appealing either. I like to think this is because I want someone to eventually love me for me, but lesbehonest. When it comes to feminine wiles I am sub-par at best. But my mommy says I'm beautiful.

Hard to Love
-This describes the girls who refuse to settle down with a guy. They want happiness and fun in a relationship, but the second things get serious, they bail. Girls with commitment issues often had fathers who left or other men who have disappointed them. Y'all really suck.

Hard Hitter Which You Will Find Out Soon Because I Hate You Never Speak to Me Again
-When girls are actually sick of you and you deserve it. This is often mistaken for a girl just trying not to seem too eager, but in reality, we cringe every time we see your name pop up on our phone. For whatever reason, we will NEVER be interested and really wish you would get it.

Hard to Read Because I'm Ridiculously Insecure
-I really don't know what to tell ya. My own insecurity confuses even me! The basic idea is that a girl won't show how interested she is because she doesn't want to be rejected. I would assume all girls are like this at some point and some girls are like this all the time. Just know, when a girl says something like "I look so gross in that picture!" you need to tell her she's wrong and compliment her immediately.

Hard Ball
-When a girl gets it in her head that if you don't do certain things or meet certain requirements, she won't date you. Only the cream of the crop can afford to use this approach obviously. These women are like the girlfriend in "You Belong With Me" and they make the rest of us sigh and say things like "he deserves so much better." Girls like this have also, on occasion, inspired me to sing "Let Me Love You" at the top of my lungs on the interstate.

Hard Headed
-To be fair, this is every girl. But some girls just always want what they can't have. Maybe a girl will like you and once you show a little interest she disappears. Scientists are currently working on a cure for this condition, commonly known as "having no Y chromosome." But don't hold your breath people, this all started when  Eve decided to eat that dern apple. You can lead us to a man, but you can't make us be content with him.