A.C. No More

It will come as no surprise to most of you that it has been a tough week for your favorite blogger. Thanksgiving took a hard hit when I discovered that I have an infected cuticle. I hope you didn't have a mouthful of baked goods you're supposed to be saving for tomorrow when you read that. It's gross, I know. And it will prevent me from making my signature gingerbread cookies and baking any other dish that requires hand mixing. Like sausage balls, one of my favorite Thanksgiving staples. And my mother doesn't even seem to care.

But of course it's not bad enough that my favorite appendages is failing me. I also got some bad news. A.C. Moore - my craft store, my friend - is closing. I appreciate all of the texts and phone calls during this difficult time. If you're familiar with this blog, you might know that I have a long and complex history with craft stores. Growing up in Small Town, USA Hobby Lobby was all I knew. In my early twenties I had a mild flirtation with Michael's, everyone experiments in college right? But in recent years I have really settled into A.C. Moore. You see A.C. Moore is much more affordable than Michael's. And it's a lot more open on Sundays than Hobby Lobby is. It's also practically walking distance from my house. Like I could totally bike there if it was all downhill and there were at least 3 water/rest stations along the way.Since it was so close, I familiarized myself with the coupons. Some weeks I went 3 or 4 times. They had the felt I needed for my fledgling coaster company. Picture frames for my classroom. All the holiday decorations I could ever need. Ribbon for the wreaths that admittedly fell short of my expectations in terms of sales but who amongst us couldn't use a little more ribbon?Who was there for me this summer when I got back into scrapbooking? A.C. Moore was. After every checkout it wasn't goodbye, it was see you later. As in I literally told the cashiers "see you later."I suppose I should have known they were in trouble when the cute Teeny Tys checkout display turned into a desperate bid to unload some allegedly fun dice game. It's 2019. Kids don't play with dice. They play with Instagram filters.Even though I should have seen it coming I was shocked to wake up Monday to the news. What is there to be thankful for now? The only bright spot for me (other than my family and friends and makeup) has been the possibility that they will turn my A.C. Moore into a Michael's.I feel like we really have a chance. To my knowledge, A.C. Moore is the only craft store in Apex. The nearest Michael's locations are in Holly Springs and Durham. The nearest Hobby Lobby is in Cary. Even my Walmart is like 10 miles away, don't even get me started on that Neighborhood Market crap. What am I going to do? As wonderful as Target is, their craft supplies are seriously lacking.So this holiday season, along with searching the internet for deals, I will be skimming the headlines for good news. Please respect my privacy at this time.

School of Rock

I feel like teachers are being encouraged to go on field trips and while the idea of being responsible for like 50 teenagers in a foreign location sounds terrifying, I'm open to the idea.

But I don't want this to be a normal marketing field trip. What am I gonna do? Take the kids to a local business office? Show them a hotel? A restaurant? No thanks. As usual, I have a better idea.

Welcome to the Rachel Daniel School of Rock. Where students will learn marketing concepts through...what else?... a series of Broadway musicals.

I've prepared my pitch and I am not sure how my boss can say no to this.

Onto The Stage

After years of having my talents overlooked in favor of students (and quite frankly amateurs) and being hidden away backstage as to not upstage anyone, I have finally made my way onto the stage! Or at least my voice has. 

Tomorrow through Saturday I will be playing the voice of the Giant in my school's fall musical, Into the Woods. It is a role made famous by Dame Judi Dench, Glenn Close, Frances de la Tour and now, moi! Technically I am still not on stage...but my dad always said I had a face for radio so I think this is a win-win.

This week of rehearsals has been rough. I'm at work for like 12 hours straight and wondering why I signed up for this in the first place. It's probably because I saw the song "Children Will Listen" and got hopeful. My students? Listening to me? That's the dream! 

There are no small parts, only small actresses playing giants offstage because in real life they lack the stature and size to be a giant, more like a fairy TBH.

I'm in the playbill and everything!

As a method actress, I started getting into character immediately. I asked my boss for 2 weeks paid vacation time to go to Texas. Everything's bigger in Texas right? He declined. I guess he has so much faith in me based on past performances that he knew I didn't need any additional preparation.

If only I had that same faith in myself. I still wanted to do something - anything - to feel more like a giant out for revenge after some average sized humans killed her husband. I binge watched the latest season of Little Women: LA to get used to saying average sized instead of other descriptors that are actually offensive when you think about it, like "normal". 

And then I created a vision board so that the costume and props department could procure everything I needed for my latest debut.

Naturally I was going to need refreshments in my trailer. Nothing fancy. A new Chick-fil-A nugget tray each night. ONLY Polynesian & honey roasted barbecue dipping sauces. So help me if I see a Zesty Buffalo I will FLIP. I can't work like that.

I would need a red carpet look as well and a bedazzled microphone. How else would I be able to tell it apart from the others? Ultimately I just had to make my own. If it's worth doing...it's worth DOING.

Despite being told that a costume for me wasn't in the budget for no reason other than that I am not seen by the audience at all, I requested a robe. It just seemed like what a giant would wear. It's gotta be hard to shop for your body at 18 feet tall. An open-front robe was really my only idea save for a wrap dress but if a mere two thousand Swarovski crystals weren't in the budget then I highly doubt Diane von Furstenberg was an option.

In some ways it was easy for me to get into the mindset of an angry giant. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but 2 of my lines are "I'm waiting" and "I'm still waiting" which really come naturally to me as a teacher. But other parts of my performance would be harder for me to relate to.

For instance...how could I play a WIFE? That's why I requested an engagement ring fit for a giantess. This was the only prop I hoped to keep from the set. And I would of course need a fresh manicure to go with. It was actually perfect timing because as much as I love babies...

...my dad might love babies more. Recently I told him that he has baby fever but he claims that it is grandbaby fever...which is apparently my responsibility? But I informed him that I have engagement ring fever.

So here's hoping for me (and my dad) that an engagement ring shows up by opening night. For the play, of course.

BIBLE TL; DR Daniel

The King of Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar, takes over Jerusalem. Ancient people were colonizing and pillaging long before the British made it "cool". He wants all of the best Israelites to be sent to Babylon - it was like a charter school. Daniel and his 3 friends are chosen. The king really likes Daniel & friends even though they rock the boat at first by refusing to eat the royal food and wine. Vegans are so annoying.

Nebuchadnezzar renames all of them because he doesn't want to be the only one with a dumb name. Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah become Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and Daniel draws the short straw and is renamed Belteshazzar. I will refer to them by their Hebrew names because I'm not paid by character. I'm not really paid at all.

Nebuchadnezzar has a dream about a statue and none of his usual suspects can interpret it. He is real pressed by this even though it doesn't even seem like an interesting dream. Daniel is able to interpret it and Nebuchadnezzar is all about some God for awhile, even though Daniel didn't give him the Joel Osteen interpretation but like, the Great Awakening version.

Even though this was in present-day Iraq you can tell that Nebuchadnezzar wasn't using any opium because his next dream is just about a tree. Boring. Daniel continues to interpret the dreams and impress everyone but he predicts that the dreams mean some bad things for Babylon. And then the 1st season of Doomsday Preppers was filmed.

Later, Nebuchadnezzar has a golden statue that Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah refuse to bow down to. He’s like “do it for the Vine guys” and they’re like “we ain’t gone do it” and so he throws them into a furnace but God protects them and they stay safe. Nebuchadnezzar sees them in the fire, j chillin and he's like - if you can't burn 'em, join 'em. After this Daniel & company get some sweet promotions. It's like they're all at the top of Abby Lee Miller's dance pyramid.

But of course, all good things must come to an end. The Persians overthrow Nebuchadnezzar and Darius becomes the king. It was kind of like Game of Thrones back in the OT. Darius is smitten with Daniel too and makes him, like, co-captain of the varsity cheer squad.

So now everyone is player hating on Daniel and they want to get him fired but they have no idea how and this was before passive aggressive Post-it notes were invented so they are really in a pickle. All the snakes trick the king into making prayer illegal. Daniel continues to pray to God and King Darius is forced to throw him into the lion’s den because I guess lethal injection wasn’t invented yet.

But the lions are suddenly very concerned about fitting into their dresses for winter formal and don't eat Daniel. King Darius is happy to see that God protected Daniel from the lions and he decided to throw all of the guys who plotted against Daniel to the lions for good measure. All of a sudden the lions were feeling very peckish so they chowed down. Bone app the teeth.