Christmas Roast

Christmas is a time for traditions and presents and great food and presents and Jesus and presents and friends and presents and of course, family. And presents. In my family, a big part of showing love is making fun of each other mercilessly until the moms get involved or someone cries.

This week I want to look back at some of the best roasts, one-liners and anecdotes that only I find funny from Christmas 2017.

I always bake gingerbread cookies for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Not just any gingerbread cookies, but the BEST gingerbread cookies. In the past my youngest brother has wanted to help me decorate them and I have always declined because most people refuse to meet my exacting standards when it comes to aesthetics. But there comes a point in all of our lives where we…what’s the term? Give up. So this year I let him help and I learned that that was a mistake about 2 minutes in when he referred to the white sugar sprinkles as Colombian nose candy.

Another big thing in my immediate family is playing cards. We particularly like Phase 10 but since my mother lost those cards this Christmas was all about Skip-Bo until I forced her to buy a new Phase 10 deck on Tuesday and therefore saved Christmas. My grandmother is really mad at me for playing in a manner that some would describe as cut-throat. While we were playing one night I was looking at older pictures and I asked the hypothetical question “does everyone get uglier as they get older or is it just me?” and my grandmother quickly responded “just you.”I may be ugly but she's what you would call a sore loser.

My family makes fun of me for being lazy just because I don’t work out every day or go on runs or walk to the kitchen to get my own water. So I was thankful when my mother who was in the kitchen asked if I wanted my lemon in the fridge. I said yes and she replied “well come put it in the fridge then.” Whose moms is this?

Unfortunately, 2 of my younger cousins were sick for Christmas. When Rebecca didn’t show up for Christmas Eve dinner because her son was sick we seriously considered sending someone to her house to demand the buttermilk biscuits she normally brings. My mini-me was sick too and couldn’t open presents on Christmas day. My mother pointed out that if we’d known she was going to be sick we could have waited and bought her presents December 26^th for 50% off and saved a lot of money. I mean…she’s not wrong (*Brendan voice).

My cousin Kelsey got me the Anastasia soundtrack for Christmas so I am now in possession of that as well as the Broadway soundtrack. Needless to say, if Christy Altomare ever needs a day off, I'll be ready.

Of course the Christmas puns made their appearances by way of Instagram captions and custom-made Christmas t-shirts which are more reasonable for the green Christmases of central NC.

"Let's get in formation Claus..."


Taco Bell + Christmas, what more could a girl want?

Speaking of which, I had to make fun of my brother's hair.

I got my uncle for secret Santa at my grandmother's house so I of course gifted my conservative, gunslinging, veteran uncle with American Sniper on DVD, an Air Force t-shirt and the book Monica's Story, a hard-hitting expose about scandal in the Clinton White House from the victim that history forgot. I'm sure he's already finished it if anyone wants to ask him for a book review.

Christmas is also my cousin Brittany’s birthday but people normally forget what with the birth of the Savior and what not. Keep Brittany in Christmas is what I like to say. 

We even wrote a special song about the difficult pregnancy that my aunt went through 26 Yuletides ago even though I heard my grandmother say that Jesus was the greatest Christmas gift ever given so take that Brittany.

Julia did you know?

That your baby girl
Would try to take your life.

Julia did you know?
That you would throw up
Over 200 times.

Julia did you know?
That this blue-eyed beast
Would almost cause your life to cease.
That this little girl you’re burping
Tried to give you a murking.

A MARY KAYristmas

This Christmas (and every Christmas) I was looking for a way to not go broke around the holidays. And by that I mean not spending like $1,000 on Christmas presents because I'm a teacher. But that's harder than it sounds because giving gifts is one of my love languages and also...I'm really good at it. I love to brag, but I am a darn good gift giver. I may not buy gift bags because I think they're ridiculously expensive, I may not buy cards because same, and I may only use 100% recycled tissue paper (you're welcome, environment) but the actual gift will be good.

Part of my holiday savings plan involved getting a seasonal job. So I sent my resume in and secured a spot cleaning my church. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a retail job where I could use an employee discount to really save on gifts. But with this job, maybe I get a discount on tithing? I don't think it works that way but I'll pray about it.

My next money saving idea was a classic, homemade presents! Not like the hug coupons my oldest brother offered me but thoughtfully and properly executed crafts.

One Christmas craft I love is wine cork Christmas trees! But the hard part is collecting the wine corks...I don't drink wine so I have to rely on friends to supply me with them and I don't want to encourage binge drinking but I also want to craft.
 

A new craft I tried this year was these reindeer ornaments. They're adorable but kind of annoying to make because they're 70% hot glue.

Most of the products needed to make these, like felt and paint, were really cheap but the clear ornaments were $1 each and that really adds up if you make 32 of these like I did. The weirdest thing about shopping at 3 different craft stores for all of my reindeer ornament supplies was discovering that apparently pipe cleaners are a thing of the past. Gentrification, am I right?

My final frugal trick this holiday season wasn't about spending less money, but about redistributing products. And I don't mean re-gifting. A few years ago I tried selling Mary Kay. That was a mistake. I'm way too affirming to be successful at sales. If someone tells me they don't need mascara I'm not going to say "of course you do Casper, no one can tell you have eyelashes" I'm going to say "oh I'm so sorry I bothered you, have a free lipstick as my apology."

So when I finally accepted that I wasn't going to be the Vicki Gunvalson of Mary Kay, I was left with probably four hundred ish dollars worth of inventory. So guess what grandma is getting for Christmas? Moisturizer! My best friends from college? Eyeliner! My aunt? Eyelash primer! My cousins? Mascara! My mom? Nothing because she doesn't really care about makeup other than her favorite rum raisin lip gloss that got discontinued and I already got her literally 17 other presents!

Have a MARY KAYristmas everyone!

Mercury is in Gatorade

By this point, hopefully everyone is aware that Mercury is in retrograde, or as Emily and I say, Gatorade. And if you're like me and only trust the real sciences like astrology and cosmetology, then you know when Mercury is in retrograde it leads to communication issues, travel problems and I'm really hoping misleading financial records otherwise my Christmas spending is even more out of control than I thought.

Here's a list of all the problems in my life that Mercury's trajectory is causing or being blamed for.

• I went to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra for the first time and I learned that Steven Tyler has way more Horcruxes than I realized but I also learned that it is NOT a sing-along type thing and the other audience members actually get really mad if you try to sing because TSO is more about instrumentals. They really could have communicated that better.

• There is work being done on the road I take to work. My mother saw the signs before I did and informed me that they said to expect delays. I said "oh, so my boss should expect me to be delayed to work?" and she said no. I have to leave earlier! Hello travel issues.

• I had to take a sick day and I don’t get sick. Except for that time I had mono and fell asleep in the five dollar DVD bin at Walmart. 
  

• Here's a super awkward miscommunication for you, I got the "I'm not looking for a relationship" talk from a guy who I didn't want to date. Don't get me wrong he's a nice guy (or he was before he pulled this crap) but I wasn't trying to wife him up. Nothing like being rejected by someone you weren't interested in at the holidays.

• I have student loan debt! Because of Mercury! And non-existent saving habits!

• I got a paper cut on my lip. How does that even happen? I'm not sure but it reminds me of the time I ripped all the skin off my bottom lip when I was using packing tape to wrap Christmas presents.
  

• I ordered some very important Christmas presents from Etsy and am not hearing back from the shop owner about when they will ship. They're very important because they're tumblers and one is for me. Does anyone else try to establish matching gift histories so you can get yourself something too? What's that you say? No? That's not what Christmas is about? Say that to the matching purses, eye shadows, lipsticks and tasers that my cousins and I have.

• I bought a contour palette at Sephora as we saw last week, and I asked a sales associate which shades were right for me, assuming I needed the light. She said that was too dark and that I should get fair. There's nothing wrong with being a fair but I am not a fair. I'm a light. Sometimes a light/medium. Luckily she asked another associate and they said light. Confirming that I'm not pale. Unless I'm standing next to Jean-Luc.
  

• I ordered a large Dr. Pepper from McDonald's because when my dentist said I was "cavity-prone" I think he was bluffing. But somehow wires got crossed and I was given a cup of...I'm honestly not even sure what. Maybe Cheerwine? A Fanta of some sort? Maybe the employees were bored and just mixed everything together? Who can say?

• And the most frustrating side effect of Mercury being in Gatorade? It's freezing! Temps in the 30s and 40s in North Carolina and it's only December?! I never agreed to that! #NotMyState
  

It's Expensive Being Ugly

Today's post is a makeup tutorial. At the end of it you could say I'm pretty...but at what cost?

If you dare to watch these it will become abundantly apparent that I do not know how to edit videos. Or do makeup. I wish I could afford some video editing software but y'all don't wanna click ads so...

Makeup Tutorial Part 1

"Contour"

Makeup Tutorial Part 2

Eyebrows are the window to the soul.

Makeup Tutorial Part 3

Which I accidentally called part 2 at the end of the actual part 2.

The final product! And proof that what males think is no makeup actually requires a lot of product and time I would rather spend sleeping or eating or both! Sleep-eating is a thing.