The Year of Our Lord and Taylor

I think I speak for everyone - in general - and when I say that there were only 2 things worth living for in 2020 ... Jesus and Taylor Swift.

On December 10th my alarm clock (Emily) woke me up with the news that Taylor Alison Swift, the only bright spot in the hellscape that is 2020, was releasing yet another album at midnight. So although I truly had every intention of beginning my final paper before Saturday, I had no choice but to stay up until midnight. The paper wasn't due 'til Sunday anyway. 

I listened to evermore once as soon as it was released and my instant favorites were gold rush, ivy and closure. Though I did have to buy the clean version of ivy.

Instead of spending Friday working on my paper, I processed evermore through doodles.

Honestly it was a 20 page paper, I'm confident that I could have snuck it in there and my professor would be none the wiser.

Now since every Buzzfeed ranking I've seen of the evermore tracks are wayyyyy off, I decided to compile my own. Unfortunately, I have yet to hear the bonus tracks from the deluxe physical edition because I have no means of playing a CD. Of course I did purchase a physical copy of folklore

1. ivy

Wow. Such feelings. And the concept that ivy is able to take over many surfaces because of its aerial root system, and she, "can't stop you putting roots in my dreamland"??? I'm dead. I died. RIP me.

2. closure

I always want closure and I never got closure until this song (and Say You're Sorry by Sara Bareilles) gave me closure. Being triggered by seeing the shape of someone's name? I thought I was the only one who felt that. 

3. gold rush

Track 3 is almost always my favorite song. I don't know what it is but the track 3s just hit different. I don't think I've ever been with a guy that everyone else wanted. Actually, most of my exes were with me BECAUSE no one else wanted them. But I can't imagine that would feel good.

4. long story short

I love the idea of leaning into an identity and wearing that shoe everywhere you go. And getting to a point in a relationship where it's not all about tit for tat because you just want to make the other person happy? I mean, can't relate but it does sound nice.

5. tolerate it

This song. Is so real. For every woman who has settled for acceptance when she deserves adoration. 

6. 'tis the damn season

It really 'tis. I'm already working on this sweater for next year.

7. willow

We all know those people. The people who seem to get whatever they want in life. The more that you say, the less I know? Yes, queen.

8. champagne problems

I don't dislike this song but I just can't get into the mind frame of someone who would turn down a proposal.

9. marjorie

I really relate to this song because she says that Marjorie always went "past where our feet could touch" and I ALWAYS get yelled at by lifeguards for being too far out when I am not even far so, I stand with Marge.

10. no body, no crime

Okay I get a lot of hate for this song being so low on the list but I do like it. I just prefer to think of it as a The Other Woman type thing where the friend and sister and mistress work together. Kind of continuing the idea presented in august that the other woman is just a woman who wants to be loved. And how often do we even know when we're the other woman?

11. happiness

For years I have resonated with this concept that "both of these things can be true" and I love this song for expressing that. It's like Carrie Bradshaw said, "if you love someone and you break up, where does the love go?" The love lingers along with the pain and you just have to remember you will be happy again. At least that's what my therapist tells me.

12. coney island

"If I can't relate to you anymore then who am I related to?" To me that captures the fear of sharing a life with someone and knowing it could all come crashing down and then what will you be left with? Your spouse becomes your immediate family, so what happens if they leave? Who is your family then? 

13. evermore

Catching your breath and catching your death, to me, is like that point in a relationship where you feel secure. And you exhale. And then the other shoe inevitably drops. And you think you will die and that you will never feel better ever again and then before you know it Taylor Swift releases a new album and you have a reason to live again. It's the circle of life.

14. dorothea

Okay I know people are thinking that maybe Dorothea is the name of Gigi & Zayn's baby but considering Sophie & Joe didn't name their daughter Invisible String, I'm not sure how much we can read into this.

15. cowboy like me

Maybe I don't get it because I'm not a cowboy. I do love the idea of a raccoon playing the bandit in the music video.

Actually - the Buzzfeed poll of folklore tracks vs. evermore tracks was way off too. But I suppose I have my fellow Buzzfeeders to blame for that. The most surprising results to me were as follows:

What...? Of course I don't dislike champagne problems, but cardigan was like that song. And it still is, isn't it? I have a great dad but when Taylor sang "leavin' like a father" ... I felt that. 

Again...what? I like the emotions of exile but I think it hits a little too close to home for me. It's a bummer, isn't it? But 'tis the damn season is a BOP. I'm already working on my Dec. 13th/Dec. 25th Christmas sweater for next year.

I suppose I shouldn't be as surprised by this one. These songs are so similar in sentiment, but I guess I have a recency bias and others have a primacy bias? My favorite Taylor album is always the most recent one. So in a few months I can be more objective. But for now...

Nativity Scream

I don't know about you guys, but I have always loved a Nativity scene. But they are also surprisingly expensive. So this year I decided to improvise to teach Nathan about the birth of Jesus. Not everyone was on board.

Here is my attempt at teaching Nathan about the birth of Jesus. As you can see, he's a heathen.

I did spend literal days making him a gorgeous and in no way ugly Christmas sweater that displays his love for demolishing everything and his Memaw.

So enjoy those pics as much as Nathan enjoys ignoring me.

BIBLE TL; DR Mary & Joseph

A long, long time ago Betty White wanted to update the Wikipedia pages for Roman territories. So obviously a census needed to be done so she could have an accurate idea of populations and demographics and what not. Unfortunately, back then every mail carrier operated like the Greensboro Post Office. So the leaders decided it was best to just ask everyone to go back to their hometown and be like "present" and then leave.

A carpenter named Joseph was living in the big city of Nazareth at the time and he needed to go all the way back to Bethlehem. He had to travel about 90 miles - or as they called it in those days - 5 days of walking. His fiancee, Mary posted an engagement Instagram pic and tagged Joseph. #nofilter She dropped a pin in Bethlehem, an angel saw the post and appeared to her and told her that she was God’s favorite and she would have God’s baby, the savior of the world. The angel also appeared to Joseph so he wouldn’t call The Maury Show.

While traveling through the desert, service was pretty bad. Expedia.com wouldn't load and by the time they arrived in town, there were no vacancies. This sounds like the beginning of a horror movie, but there is some good news. They were able to find a barn to stay in because rustic weddings weren't quite INN yet. (get it?)

The tired couple was happy to have a place to stay and Joseph was happy there was no couch for him to sleep on because Mary swears she told him multiple times to call ahead. Mary had the baby with no meds, and they wrapped him up in cloth and laid him down on some clean straw in the manger. It was probably clean, right? 

They named the baby Jesus because God kind of had dibs on naming rights and He chose Jesus. So if Mary wanted to name him Jakxen or Oakleigh, that was too bad. Also they got the baby vaccinated. And circumcised. 

While this was happening there were some shepherds nearby...shepherding and what not. An angel appeared to them announced the good news of the savior’s birth. The shepherds totally wanted in on that action so they headed over to the manger. The manger was a total hotspot now.

Meanwhile, 3 wisemen (where did they find THREE?) also had FOMO, so they followed a bright star to Bethlehem and brought baby Jesus presents. But instead of rattles and blankets and diapers they brought gold and frankincense and myrrh. I’m sure Mary and Joseph appreciated the gold. And honestly Mary was probably a fan of the healing powers of frankincense because Western medicine - or as I call it, medicine - wasn't invented yet. Maybe Mary was like, the first brand ambassador for MLM, Eternal Living (TM).

Everyone was praising God because babies are adorable and if I was Mary I would have been like "what about me, natural childbirth over here," but she was probably not a diva about it.

And for the next 33 years, anytime Joseph messed up as a parent he probably heard, "oh it's okay Joseph, it's only the SON OF GOD AND SAVIOR OF THE WORLD, I'm sure his wrist will heal in no time."

Last year's nativity story.

You Get What You Pay For & These Christmas Cards Are Free

Small Business Christmas

As you may have noticed, we are in a pandemic. Earth has been closed for about 3 months now and that has consequences. There are some big industries failing and asking for bailouts despite the million and billion dollar bonuses afforded to their C-suites, but there are also small businesses failing and unlikely to get a lifeline. 

This holiday season, instead of sending your money to sit in Jeff Bezos's vault where it awaits his next divorce settlement or funding China's loooooong record of human rights violations, I recommend that you attempt to shop small businesses (and that does not mean MLMs).

Let me be clear - I don't think it's possible for the average American to completely stop buying anything made in China. I wish it was, but I still rely on Amazon for those random things I can't find anywhere else (read: brown food coloring). Although my mother has waged a personal war on China and banned TikTok from her home, I understand that in the short term I am beholden to some Chinese-made products. But when I can help it, I try to buy products made in America, South America, and other places that aren't China.

Aside from their deplorable crimes against the Uighurs, their death grip on Hong Kong, and their cultural genocide of Tibetan Buddhism, there's also that small issue of free speech. 

As much as I love a $5 t-shirt, it's just not worth it. There are so many small businesses in this country, your state, or hometown that need your support right now. And there are streamlined platforms that make that easier! 

Etsy is an American website where you can buy handmade products right from the source! One website, accesses to a ton of small businesses and creative individuals. Most Etsy shops have a free shipping option if you spend a certain amount and shop owners will have holiday sales just like the big retailers.

Redbubble is an Australian website where you can find designs from artists all over the world and have them printed on a variety of products. My personal favorite is the stickers but they have tote bags, t-shirts, wall art and more. The charts below show where Redbubble products are manufactured.

Spoonflower is a FABULOUS company headquartered in Durham, North Carolina! At Spoonflower you can find designs created by people around the globe and get it printed on fabrics and wallpaper. I am obsessed with Spoonflower and at this point I feel like I have to own the spoon at least.

I have my own Etsy shop as well as Redbubble and Spoonflower pages and I can assure you that artists are compensated for sales. In my case I just use my commission to buy more stickers and fabrics, and the economic ripple effect lives on! You can also check out Facebook marketplace, though I will warn you you're not allowed to sell animals or organs there and they will ban you. So I hear.

Finally I want to introduce you to a Missouri-based company that I have grown to love in the last few months. But first, I have to paint you a picture. Actually - I have a literal picture.

This joke all started a few years ago in a little church called Holden Beach Chapel. That's the church my family goes to when we're on vacation. We've been going there for about seven years now and my dad always loves it. Mainly because he's super proud that the guest preacher is often one of my brother's teachers and also because afterwards we have brunch at his favorite restaurant, the Purple Onion Cafe.

So my dad has this habit of...let's call it active listening. He's the guy who is mumbling his approval, saying amen and turning around to make eye contact with Stephen so they can laugh at little sermon jokes together. 

This particular Sunday, we were singing the classic Christian hymn, Blessed Assurance. You know, "this is my story, this is my song," written in the 1870s? My dad must have been feeling it because he was grunting his endorsement. After the third, way too loud, "MMMMM" my brothers and I had to stop making eye contact. Why was he so into this song he has heard and sung hundreds of times before?

After the service we debriefed and my brother Patrick mentioned my dad's sudden enthusiasm for Blessed Assurance. He said something along the lines of, "he was really feeling it, dad was like - MMM this IS my story" and it was basically the funniest thing that has ever happened.

So now that's our thing and one day on Facebook I stumbled across an ad for a t-shirt that I knew my dad had to have.

I ordered it for his birthday along with a shirt for myself, and I was hooked. It's a Christian company and I guess you could say they are fishers of this woman.

Elly and Grace has amazing designs, colors, customer service and a commitment to the American economy. Not to mention, wearing clothes with biblical sayings helps remind me to try to be a better person. Of course I still have a long way to go, maybe I should place another order.

Sober Science: Bodies of Water

 

Veterans Day

This Veterans Day I want to thank all who have served in America's armed forces. I also want to thank all of my Israeli friends for their service. I compiled a list of U.S. presidents who have served in the military because I find that interesting. Then I have some notes and fun facts that I read on the internet and absolutely did not check at all.

• Two American presidents were 5-star generals, that dude George Washington and Dwight Eisenhower.
• Rutherford B. Hayes is the only U.S. president injured during war, though 24 have served during wartime.
• Zachary Taylor being former military makes perfect sense because I have always thought he looked like Sam the Eagle from the muppets. Right?

• As you can see the Army was super popular in our younger years but JFK really sparked a Navy trend.
• I did some research on that and discovered that BEFORE WWII, most presidents served in the Army. But AFTER WWII, more have served in the Navy.
• A lot of the earlier presidents also served in state militias and something called the Continental Army that I don't fully get. I think it was like versus the British? IDK, if you have questions watch Hamilton on Disney Plus.
• LBJ was the only survivor of a bomber crash when he got off the plane before takeoff because he had to pee that bad. I can relate.
• We also have a Space Force that has allegedly existed for like 40 years but I don't think there's any proof that anyone has actually served on it. I wanna see the receipts.

Today is a great day to consider the freedoms we have as Americans and maybe do a little research on what the rest of the world looks like. Next week I'm going to cover shopping American this holiday season to stop financially supporting China and their record of human rights violations.

Sober Science: Canadian Provinces

We don't know who won the election yet, but might as well go ahead and learn some more about the country that many Americans threaten to move to every 4 years.

Heeeeeeeere's Canada.

Canadian Corrections:

• Gypsum is a mineral. When I said element I definitely meant mineral. Promise.
• Apparently Wilmington is actually in New Hanover county, who knew?
• It appears that the audio and video aren't really syncing. Now - I have tried restarting my laptop. That didn't fix it and that's all I really know to do. So. That's life.

Now Hiring

Well, well, well. Here we are again. Blogging live from Break Up Town, USA. Party of 1. Me.

I won't share the whole saga because A) who cares and B) it's same old same old - but I do have some questions, most of which are why me? There are areas of my life where I have been very lucky. For instance, I don't have an outie belly button, so things could certainly be worse. But when it comes to guys, I have had the WORST LUCK. I know some of you are thinking that being dumped doesn't mean you have bad luck. It happens, that's life, move on and have I not considered that I might be the problem? Trust me, I have. And while it's true that I have been described as "a bit much" and "one of a kind" and "completely deranged"- there are way bigger train wrecks than me that don't seem to have this problem.

One theory is that God is developing my character for this grand stage production we call life. But I think the part of a strange woman repeatedly scorned by men is already spoken for by one Miss Aileen Wuornos. 

And also...is my character not developed enough already? They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so y'all really better watch out 'cause I'm 'bout to be invincible. I have grown VERY comfortable with rejection in my old age. Now that I'm in my late 30s (or at least it feels like I am), I am liable to walk right up to the most incredible guy you can think of...like Zachary Levi...and lose my nerve and fake a phone call so I can walk away and continue to remain unnoticed. 

But I try to believe that I will have a happy ending someday. Is it too much to ask that I receive dozens of handwritten letters that detail miserable lives filled with regret and sadness from all of my former flings? And is it petty to hope that parts of those letters are illegible due to numerous tear stains that dot the pages? A girl's gotta have dreams.

Of course dating apps could also be part of the problem, but what am I supposed to do? Meet people in real life like I'm freakin' Julia Roberts in a 90s romcom? The last guy that hit on me IRL was homeless and even he was offering a common law situation at best. 

So I'm open to trying new apps but I learned the hard way that Seeking Arrangements is NOT a site for people who just want to cut the crap and get an arranged marriage. My grandmother has gotten really into Craigslist but I can't imagine how her listing for me would read. "My granddaughter needs a man with a job, doesn't matter what the job is. Must attend church, pastoral recommendation letter preferred. She's a bit mouthy, but hasn't committed any crimes as far as I know. Duke fans need not apply."

No matter what happens, in my next relationship I am going to take things slower. More slowly? I'm not sure which is correct but I DO know the difference between your and you're so there is that. With the next guy, I will not let him borrow ANY Tupperware until the 10th date. Because this last man...threw. away. my. Pyrex. A nice 9x13 WITH A LID! Who does that? What a psychopath.

Boo, David

Hello, Weenies! My FAVORITE holiday is quickly approaching and as you all know, I'm a big fan of the DIY aspect of Halloween. It's like I always say, why spend $50 on a ready-to-wear costume when you can spend way more on the supplies to make a way worse version yourself?

In the past I have spend countless hours over a hot sewing machine creating the pieces that would transform me into Yzma, Bellatrix, Zipporah and Stevie Nicks. This year I have a few ideas in mind but it's hard to commit to spending so much time, money and effort on a costume that may not be seen by many people because earth is still closed.

So to test the Halloween DIY murky waters, I embarked on a similar project. For months I have been coming home to a lemon wreath and a lemon doormat that are adorable and honestly still weather-appropriate here in North Carolina, but they don't really spook up the place. 

I needed to get a Halloween doormat, or at the very least a doormat that makes sense year round. But I am also trying to use Amazon less frequently. And when I realized most doormats in the wild (aka Hobby Lobby) were $20, I just wasn't feeling it. I could have cut the price down to $12 with the use of an ever-present 40% off coupon, but that was still money that could and should be spent on beads and raccoon-related fall decor. 

Just when I had resigned to attempt to pass off lemon as a winter fruit like Bath & Body Works keeps doing with their limoncello candles, inspiration struck! I spotted some cute placemats in Bullseye's Playground, the section at the front of Target where everything is $1, $3 or $5. I really want people to start referring to it by its government name so I don't have to explain every time. I spent $6 buying 2 sets and ended up stitching 3 placemats together to create my Halloween doormat.

But anyone could do that. I had to kick it up a notch. So I explored my felt collection to jazz it up a bit.

Believe it or not, no blood was shed in the making of this doormat.

I think it looks pretty cute with my Halloween wreath and hopefully won't scare away any of the delivery people that I hope to be greeting over the next few weeks.

This experience really inspired me and now I am wondering if there is a way to get a plain black doormat and attach a laser to the top of my door frame that I could change season to season. Genius, right? Now I just have to head back to Hobby Lobby for some metalworking supplies.

Sober Science: Odd-Toed Ungulates

With a Masklace, You'll Never Be Mask-less!

New product alert! If you've ever gone on a walk with me, you know that I HATE carrying things. I love a purse and pockets, I HATE having to hold things in my hands. I will take a backpack with a water bladder if I plan on walking more than a mile. My phone stays deep within the zippered recesses of said backpack. If I ever get attacked on the American Tobacco Trail, which is honestly a strong possibility, I am screwed.

Now that I need to bring a mask everywhere, but also need to take it off as soon as I'm outside or alone due to the worsening mascne (TM) on my chin...I had to get creative. Rather than wait around for pockets to reappear in women's clothing, I made my own masklace (TM). A beaded lanyard with keychain rings on the ends that you can loop your mask through. 

Sport mode:

Casual mode:

So instead of spending $5 on a Walgreens mask that you force your roommate to go buy you when you forget yours en route to get flu shots, you can spend $5 on a masklace and then I will probably get Chick-fil-A with it. 

You can check out smaller masklaces better for kids on my Etsy shop here and larger ones better for adults here. Feel free to message me if you want custom colors/sizes/patterns.

Sober Science: 5 Major Biomes

Holy Schitt

Daniel Levy and Schitt's Creek finally getting the Emmy's recognition they deserve is the only good thing to happen in this entire Godforsaken year and I wanna talk about it.

And by talk about it I mean create MBTI and enneagram charts based on Schitt's Creek characters because I really have no interesting life developments to talk about that wouldn't be a mega-bummer.