Here's the NativiTEA

In the beginning, there were taxes. Little Caesar decided to tax the entire world. He was hot and ready for some money. This was before PayPal and Venmo so everyone had to go to their hometown to pay taxes. And you thought high school reunions couldn't get any worse.

So ya boy Joseph did some ancestry.com and turns out, he was from the line of David. So he needed to go to Bethlehem to pay his taxes. But there were no Ubers, so this was a long and stressful journey. Kind of like a trip to Walmart during a holiday weekend.

No one likes to road trip alone (except for drifter serial killers and even then Henry Lee Lucas brought a plus one) so he brought his fiancée Mary. Now Mary was pregnant - which was quite the scandal - but the voice of God determined that Joseph was NOT the father. 

According to her Fitbit, Mary was due to give birth on the trip. Not ideal because her OB-GYN was not from the line of David, they weren't really familiar with the hospitals in the area but what can you do? 

Joseph did not make the Holiday Inn reservations when Mary told him to so there were no vacancies when they arrived. I mean it was Christmas Eve after all, what did he expect? Men. Airbnb wasn't in the area yet so they stayed in a barn. Not like the rehabilitated rustic country chic barns that people are getting married in lately but like. A barn barn. Animals included. 

Mary gave birth to a baby boy and they DIYed some blankets and a crib for him. Meanwhile, there were some shepherds working third shift nearby. God sent an angel to tell them about the birth because visiting hours at the barn were almost over and He didn't want them to miss it.

The shepherds were terrified because they had never seen an angel before they had only heard about them on reddit conspiracy theory subs. So the angel told them not to be afraid because it was good news - the savior was born in Bethlehem. And now they were the first to know about it. Take that WikiLeaks. 

The shepherds were like we gotta check that out. As Instagram influencers it is our duty to report back #update #itsaboy #capricornszn. So they headed to the barn as fast as they could, snapped some cute selfies and shared with all of their followers.

After that things got REAL.*

 S  E  A  S  O  N  S   G  R  E  E  T  I  N  G  S  ! 

Christmas

Hanukkah

Non-denominational


*Loosely based on Luke chapter 2.

Real Housewives of ???

It was recently announced at BravoCon that a new city was joining the Real Housewives franchise. 2020 will give us an in-depth look at the social scene of Salt Lake City. Many fans were confused at the location choice but if this is going to feature Mormon mommy bloggers I am all for it. Imagine all the trips and shopping and lunch dates we will see when the housewives aren't burdened with childcare. How much free time would you have if you could hand your kids off to a sister wife?

Now if it's just ladies skiing...I imagine it going downhill (LOL) fast. So I have come up with a list of suggestions for new cities that I think would be a ton of fun. Andrew Joseph Cohen - if you're reading this - call me. I'm happy to pitch any of these.


Picture it. Everyone is trying to get their big break into showbiz. Watch as 5 to 7 white women juggle vocal lessons, dance class and probably plastic surgery. It's Mozart in the Ozarks in this musical city. Someone's husband is an acrobat, but watch what happens when he's caught contorting with another woman! Who will have tearful breakdown in line for zip lining?

Best Tagline: I'm a triple threat. I sing, I dance and I shop!


How many pairs of Hunter rain boots does a housewife need? Only one way to find out...filming in Portland! Gossip over cold brew, Voodoo Doughnut catered parties and some soccer guest stars? Instead of designer shopping sprees watch as the ladies scour local thrift stores for Doc Martens and mason jars. When one of the women starts using honey again, the other vegans shame her to shreds.

Best Tagline: All Oregon Trails lead to me!


Just imagine all the debauchery that would go on as the girls hit up NASCAR races together. Who will be left out of the group trip to Disney World? Who will have a fling with a spring breaker boy toy after her husband cheats? One thing’s for sure. You can count on plenty of white women, white sand and white lies.

Best Tagline: I left my checkered past behind for checkered flags!


Think of all the casseroles. And the cheese. And the dairy drama when someone’s kid doesn’t get into the best Catholic school in Wiscansin (not a typo) on a 4H scholarship. I watched Kyle cater formal events with Fatburger for years I think I’ve earned some Culver’s screen time. Faith, family, football and fake teeth.

Best Tagline: I'm not cheesy, but my cooking is!



And it's only drag queens. I'm tuning in. Apparently Provincetown, Massachusetts hosts some of the best drag queens every summer. Provincetown has open town meetings like Gilmore Girls and is located at the tip of Cape Cod, giving me some Berzerkshires vibes. Just imagine housewives bidding against each other for unique pieces from Provincetown’s vibrant art scene. This season, the library is open.

Best Tagline: Of all the housewives, I’m the LGBTCutest.


I know what you're thinking, another hipster housewives? But no. RHOA2 will feature pageant moms. Universal Royalty headquarters hosts a ton of pageant moms annually. Shopping for glamorous girly gowns together turns ugly when you all want the last pink cupcake dress. The new housewife refuses to go glitz, fan favorite is pregnant again but...it's another boy! Save the drama for your pageant mama.

Best Tagline: I won't let anyone judge me, but my kids are fair game.


This is an obvious choice, right? Bachelorette parties every weekend, album releases, bar crawls and some drunken bike rides by the Cumberland River. You though the Predators’ hockey fights were brutal? Wait until you see a housewife get called a wannabe Reba. The claws and the insults are coming out.

Best Tagline: These boots were made for walkin’...not trash talkin’.

Rachel Daniel Makes Oreo Truffles (and More Importantly...A Mess)*

Ho ho holiday treats! Today is a tutorial on one of my favorites...oreo truffles! I was first introduced to these at a Bible study in college. I was on my fourth one of the evening when the other girls started talking about how good they were but you couldn't eat many since they were so rich. Um...WWJD? Isaiah 5:9 - if you are willing & obedient you will eat the good things of the land. Amen.

So I started making my own and they were a big hit! Oreo truffles can be a real pain to make but with only 3 (or 4 if you're not on a diet and want to add sprinkles) ingredients, there was always room for them in my college student budget.

And now there's room for them in my teacher budget. Speaking of which, the end of this video gets a little out of sync. The video is doing a sprint but the audio is running a marathon. Sorry about that. If I knew how to fix it I would be working for an IT company and making lots of dollars and this video would be about truffle caviar.

I will go through the steps like a food blog and you can watch the video at the end if you want additional commentary.

We begin our journey with some oreos. Or as a professional food writer would say, a base layer of solidified heavy whipping cream nestled between two cocoa bean wafers.

Next you crush them up. I buy a family size pack and then use like 5/6s of it. Also. And I cannot stress this enough. Double stuf.

Now we add the second ingredient. The cream cheese. Allow the cream cheese to sit at room temperature for 30 min or so before you try to mix the crushed oreos into it. Fair warning...your arm will be sore after.

When you get it all mixed together, or "incorporated" as Giada would say, it should look like this. Which is kinda gross. My pro tip is to put this concoction in the fridge or freezer for a bit before you start shaping them into balls.

My other pro tip is to use a cookie or ice cream scoop if at all possible because I used to roll these bad boys in my bare hands and that just results in you losing half of the truffle each time due to surface area or some science & math thing.

Now you have a choice to make. Are you gonna be a pourer or a dunker? I remember when I was young and full of hope and would use a fondue skewer to dip each ball into a pot of melted chocolate, making sure to coat it entirely to leave a perfectly spherical mound of perfection. Those days are over now. I have adopted a strategy of lining them up on a cooling rack over a cookie sheet and spooning the melted chocolate on top.

 

This new process is still messy so I recommend keeping pets and small children out of the kitchen. I used Mako's biggest fears - the vacuum cleaner and the trash can - to keep him out of my way for this part. You need to melt some white chocolate/candy coating/almond bark/candle wax whatever you wanna call it. I add vegetable oil to mine to thin it out. Be careful when heating the chocolate because it is almost impossible. Pour or spoon the chocolate onto the oreo balls and decorate as desired.

Ta-da! Okay so these are not my best. The chocolate was not really cooperating. But once people taste them they don't normally have any issues with the appearance.

Here's the video if you are into Food Network style prepped ingredients and what not.
 


*if you're not getting the title reference...click here and thank me later

TikWhat?

I know that a lot of my readers (and fans in general) look to me for all the latest pop culture and social media trends.

You were there for so many of my hot takes on trends through the years:

• tiny sunglasses "why? I say the bigger the better, the less of my face you can see the better I look"
• Instagram "Twiter for the illiterate masses"
• crunchy peanut butter "peanuts exist in both solid (peanut) and liquid (peanut butter) form, just pick one"
• Reddit "the sole source of my will to live"
• paisley "literally why? if you want to look at cells on a microscopic level try biology, not fashion"

But there are some trends in technology that I just don't understand. Today I am going to explain a new viral phenomenon that I really know nothing about. And that's TikTok. Now I am not a TikTok connoisseur. What is the user base called? Clocks? I like Tic Tacs but according to my students that is unrelated.

To get my footing, I had some of my students write words related to TikTok and created a word map.

The thing that stands out to me here is that, based on the size of these words, several of my students felt that the terms "tik" and "tok" really described TikTok. Thanks guys.

Next I interviewed my brother. He's up to date on the electronic trends of the youths. I know this because he is constantly using phrases I don't understand like "pro-gamer move" and "what a bot" and "I have plans with my friends." So I asked him some questions about TikTok. My questions will be bold. And also they are the ones that end in question marks.


How old are you?
>15

Can you prove that?
>Yes

Are you familiar with TikTok?
>Yeah

Can I get more than a 1 word answer?
>No

Explain TikTok to me as if I'm a really stupid person.
>People post videos and stuff & other people see it and like it and follow each other.

How is this different from Instagram or Facebook?
>It's only videos. It's like Vine 2.0.

So did TikTok murder Vine so that it could steal the crown?
>No. There were a few years in between them.

Well there are 11 years between us but you still replaced me as Dad's favorite.
>That's tough.

Do you like TikTok?
>No

Why not?
>It's a lot of stupid dances.

And yet you love Fortnite...care to explain?
>It's different.

Disagree but okay.
>It's different because...

That's all we have time for.
>Are you leaving?

Yeah. Leaving this conversation.

That wasn't too helpful. He should definitely leave the teaching to me. I needed further info. So I interviewed a student that is apparently the queen of TikTok.


What do you make TikToks about?
>The dancing trends.

Who starts these dancing trends? Fred & Ginger?
>Who are Fred & Ginger?

What makes people famous on TikTok?
>Them being really pretty, you can be a bad dancer but if you're cute it's fine.

So I shouldn't make a TikTok?
>Yeah.

Do people make money off TikTok?
>Yeah they do.

How?
>They get sponsorships like influencers or paid by TikTok.

How does TikTok make money? Isn't it free?
>By like...the brand being popular.

Look, if you got paid for popularity...no, never mind, my life would pretty much be the same.
>Honestly how do they get paid? That's a good question.

Does TikTok have a time limit? Like can I make a 10 minute video explaining the differences between crows and ravens because I find that fascinating?
>I think it's like a minute.

How do you know who to follow?
>There's a "for you" page.

How do they know what to put on that page? Do you think they're working with the NSA?
>I think so.

Do I understand TikTok now? Not really. My big takeaway is that my students encouraged me to make TikToks which means it's probably a bad idea. I'll stick to Tic Tacs.

A.C. No More

It will come as no surprise to most of you that it has been a tough week for your favorite blogger. Thanksgiving took a hard hit when I discovered that I have an infected cuticle. I hope you didn't have a mouthful of baked goods you're supposed to be saving for tomorrow when you read that. It's gross, I know. And it will prevent me from making my signature gingerbread cookies and baking any other dish that requires hand mixing. Like sausage balls, one of my favorite Thanksgiving staples. And my mother doesn't even seem to care.

But of course it's not bad enough that my favorite appendages is failing me. I also got some bad news. A.C. Moore - my craft store, my friend - is closing. I appreciate all of the texts and phone calls during this difficult time. If you're familiar with this blog, you might know that I have a long and complex history with craft stores. Growing up in Small Town, USA Hobby Lobby was all I knew. In my early twenties I had a mild flirtation with Michael's, everyone experiments in college right? But in recent years I have really settled into A.C. Moore. You see A.C. Moore is much more affordable than Michael's. And it's a lot more open on Sundays than Hobby Lobby is. It's also practically walking distance from my house. Like I could totally bike there if it was all downhill and there were at least 3 water/rest stations along the way.Since it was so close, I familiarized myself with the coupons. Some weeks I went 3 or 4 times. They had the felt I needed for my fledgling coaster company. Picture frames for my classroom. All the holiday decorations I could ever need. Ribbon for the wreaths that admittedly fell short of my expectations in terms of sales but who amongst us couldn't use a little more ribbon?Who was there for me this summer when I got back into scrapbooking? A.C. Moore was. After every checkout it wasn't goodbye, it was see you later. As in I literally told the cashiers "see you later."I suppose I should have known they were in trouble when the cute Teeny Tys checkout display turned into a desperate bid to unload some allegedly fun dice game. It's 2019. Kids don't play with dice. They play with Instagram filters.Even though I should have seen it coming I was shocked to wake up Monday to the news. What is there to be thankful for now? The only bright spot for me (other than my family and friends and makeup) has been the possibility that they will turn my A.C. Moore into a Michael's.I feel like we really have a chance. To my knowledge, A.C. Moore is the only craft store in Apex. The nearest Michael's locations are in Holly Springs and Durham. The nearest Hobby Lobby is in Cary. Even my Walmart is like 10 miles away, don't even get me started on that Neighborhood Market crap. What am I going to do? As wonderful as Target is, their craft supplies are seriously lacking.So this holiday season, along with searching the internet for deals, I will be skimming the headlines for good news. Please respect my privacy at this time.

School of Rock

I feel like teachers are being encouraged to go on field trips and while the idea of being responsible for like 50 teenagers in a foreign location sounds terrifying, I'm open to the idea.

But I don't want this to be a normal marketing field trip. What am I gonna do? Take the kids to a local business office? Show them a hotel? A restaurant? No thanks. As usual, I have a better idea.

Welcome to the Rachel Daniel School of Rock. Where students will learn marketing concepts through...what else?... a series of Broadway musicals.

I've prepared my pitch and I am not sure how my boss can say no to this.

Onto The Stage

After years of having my talents overlooked in favor of students (and quite frankly amateurs) and being hidden away backstage as to not upstage anyone, I have finally made my way onto the stage! Or at least my voice has. 

Tomorrow through Saturday I will be playing the voice of the Giant in my school's fall musical, Into the Woods. It is a role made famous by Dame Judi Dench, Glenn Close, Frances de la Tour and now, moi! Technically I am still not on stage...but my dad always said I had a face for radio so I think this is a win-win.

This week of rehearsals has been rough. I'm at work for like 12 hours straight and wondering why I signed up for this in the first place. It's probably because I saw the song "Children Will Listen" and got hopeful. My students? Listening to me? That's the dream! 

There are no small parts, only small actresses playing giants offstage because in real life they lack the stature and size to be a giant, more like a fairy TBH.

I'm in the playbill and everything!

As a method actress, I started getting into character immediately. I asked my boss for 2 weeks paid vacation time to go to Texas. Everything's bigger in Texas right? He declined. I guess he has so much faith in me based on past performances that he knew I didn't need any additional preparation.

If only I had that same faith in myself. I still wanted to do something - anything - to feel more like a giant out for revenge after some average sized humans killed her husband. I binge watched the latest season of Little Women: LA to get used to saying average sized instead of other descriptors that are actually offensive when you think about it, like "normal". 

And then I created a vision board so that the costume and props department could procure everything I needed for my latest debut.

Naturally I was going to need refreshments in my trailer. Nothing fancy. A new Chick-fil-A nugget tray each night. ONLY Polynesian & honey roasted barbecue dipping sauces. So help me if I see a Zesty Buffalo I will FLIP. I can't work like that.

I would need a red carpet look as well and a bedazzled microphone. How else would I be able to tell it apart from the others? Ultimately I just had to make my own. If it's worth doing...it's worth DOING.

Despite being told that a costume for me wasn't in the budget for no reason other than that I am not seen by the audience at all, I requested a robe. It just seemed like what a giant would wear. It's gotta be hard to shop for your body at 18 feet tall. An open-front robe was really my only idea save for a wrap dress but if a mere two thousand Swarovski crystals weren't in the budget then I highly doubt Diane von Furstenberg was an option.

In some ways it was easy for me to get into the mindset of an angry giant. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but 2 of my lines are "I'm waiting" and "I'm still waiting" which really come naturally to me as a teacher. But other parts of my performance would be harder for me to relate to.

For instance...how could I play a WIFE? That's why I requested an engagement ring fit for a giantess. This was the only prop I hoped to keep from the set. And I would of course need a fresh manicure to go with. It was actually perfect timing because as much as I love babies...

...my dad might love babies more. Recently I told him that he has baby fever but he claims that it is grandbaby fever...which is apparently my responsibility? But I informed him that I have engagement ring fever.

So here's hoping for me (and my dad) that an engagement ring shows up by opening night. For the play, of course.

BIBLE TL; DR Daniel

The King of Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar, takes over Jerusalem. Ancient people were colonizing and pillaging long before the British made it "cool". He wants all of the best Israelites to be sent to Babylon - it was like a charter school. Daniel and his 3 friends are chosen. The king really likes Daniel & friends even though they rock the boat at first by refusing to eat the royal food and wine. Vegans are so annoying.

Nebuchadnezzar renames all of them because he doesn't want to be the only one with a dumb name. Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah become Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and Daniel draws the short straw and is renamed Belteshazzar. I will refer to them by their Hebrew names because I'm not paid by character. I'm not really paid at all.

Nebuchadnezzar has a dream about a statue and none of his usual suspects can interpret it. He is real pressed by this even though it doesn't even seem like an interesting dream. Daniel is able to interpret it and Nebuchadnezzar is all about some God for awhile, even though Daniel didn't give him the Joel Osteen interpretation but like, the Great Awakening version.

Even though this was in present-day Iraq you can tell that Nebuchadnezzar wasn't using any opium because his next dream is just about a tree. Boring. Daniel continues to interpret the dreams and impress everyone but he predicts that the dreams mean some bad things for Babylon. And then the 1st season of Doomsday Preppers was filmed.

Later, Nebuchadnezzar has a golden statue that Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah refuse to bow down to. He’s like “do it for the Vine guys” and they’re like “we ain’t gone do it” and so he throws them into a furnace but God protects them and they stay safe. Nebuchadnezzar sees them in the fire, j chillin and he's like - if you can't burn 'em, join 'em. After this Daniel & company get some sweet promotions. It's like they're all at the top of Abby Lee Miller's dance pyramid.

But of course, all good things must come to an end. The Persians overthrow Nebuchadnezzar and Darius becomes the king. It was kind of like Game of Thrones back in the OT. Darius is smitten with Daniel too and makes him, like, co-captain of the varsity cheer squad.

So now everyone is player hating on Daniel and they want to get him fired but they have no idea how and this was before passive aggressive Post-it notes were invented so they are really in a pickle. All the snakes trick the king into making prayer illegal. Daniel continues to pray to God and King Darius is forced to throw him into the lion’s den because I guess lethal injection wasn’t invented yet.

But the lions are suddenly very concerned about fitting into their dresses for winter formal and don't eat Daniel. King Darius is happy to see that God protected Daniel from the lions and he decided to throw all of the guys who plotted against Daniel to the lions for good measure. All of a sudden the lions were feeling very peckish so they chowed down. Bone app the teeth.

DIM: Do It Myself

The craft fair was a success! I didn't even have to turn it into a kissing booth although I was mighty tempted for one customer.

I would consider it a victory...I can't retire with my earnings but I had A LOT more fun than last year and spent A LOT less money on my inventory.

The make-your-own-bracelet station was adorable and I learned that I am a lot better at making bracelets than making earrings. One boy made a bracelet for his grandma...my heart! I had a lot of hufflepuff participation so thanks puffs!

Wreaths were once again not a big seller but I reallllly wanted to get rid of them so I introduced a special $5 wreath with any purchase deal to move a few. At one point I was yelling "wreaths, 3 for a dollar!" but I still ended up bringing some home so if you need a wreath...I know a guy.

The surprise bestseller was my North Carolina coasters! The Harry Potter, Game of Thrones and Friends coasters sold well too but those NC designs were such a hit! I'm already designing my winter line.

But while you're waiting for that release, I have a behind the scenes look for you. Here is a how to video on the paper beads that kept me busy all summer! Try to limit your inhales while you work and keep in mind this is HIGHLY addictive.

 

Fandom Finds

This weekend I will be participating in the Pittsboro Street Fair yet again. Back by popular demand. Demands of my roommate that I get rid of all the craft crap in the living room, that is. I switched up my approach this year. I didn't spend all summer preparing wreaths and paintings and ornaments. But don't worry! I still have SEVERAL left over from last year.

Halloween wreaths, fall wreaths, Christmas wreaths, sports wreaths and more! Going for unbelievably low please-don't-make-me-take-this-all-back-to-my-third-floor-apartment prices.


We got reindeer ornaments...


...and unicornaments.


And of course I still have plenty of paintings ready to customize with whatever quotes you want unless you want me to print something obscene like "Tom Brady rocks" because free speech only goes so far. Call me China. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 


But my main focus this year is...COASTERS! I have a ton of North Carolina coasters because I don't know much about the psychographics of my craft fair attendants. What are they into? No idea. Where do they live? North Carolina.








Is chevron still a thing? I hope so. I haven't blatantly ripped off any NCAA licensed logos but I do have a series of chevron North Carolinas in red, yellow, light blue and even dark blue.

And I have some Rachel Daniel originals that represent J. Cole's state as well. I designed that pink one with little icons to represent important NC landmarks and industries (tobacco and American Idol trophies not included).

We also have a lovely Game of Thrones collection designed by yours truly. Like from scratch. 20-year-old Rachel who was struggling in her graphic design class would be so impressed. Honestly screenshots changed the game for me.

In my Halloween collection you will see some quotes from the baddest witch in town...not me but Fiona Goode.

Last but also least expensive, we have make your own bracelets! With paper beads that I did spend all summer and the greater part of Labor Day weekend making. I am addicted. My roommate thinks I am getting high off the glue I use to make them but that remains unconfirmed. I have Harry Potter beads, some made of actual book pages, and Harry Potter charms.

I have every color you and A.C. Moore could possibly think of.

And I have strings and wires and ribbons so you can make your own bracelet or necklace or keychain or whatever else you want. Please buy these so I can stop making them. The mod podge ruins my nail polish and then I end up chewing my nails and cuticles and it's really ruining my whole vibe.

Saturday. October 26th. 10AM-4PM. Downtown Pittsboro. Be there or be warmer than me probably.