Nothing But Respect For My President, Taylor Alison Swift

I thought last Thursday would be just like any other day. Thank goodness I was wrong. I was woken up around 9 AM by Emily who came to my door and gave me the news.

And for those of you thinking that Emily shouldn't have woken me up for Taylor Swift news...you're wrong. Not only was I appreciative of the update but also Emily has been my alarm clock for a few months now. It is much more pleasant to wake up to my roommate sharing a current event from the pop culture world than a digital alarm ringtone. I've even suggested that she download Fitbit to her phone so she can track my sleep in real time and wake me up at the optimal stage of the sleep cycle. She has yet to get on board with that.

Now this setup has lead to several conversations that I don't remember because I am still asleep even though my eyes are open. On this particular morning, after Emily told me that Taylor Swift announced she was releasing a new album at midnight, I apparently turned over, told her to "shut the *expletive* up" and grabbed my phone.

I waited impatiently all day until finally at midnight I checked iTunes and realized that it really was exclusively available on TaylorSwift.com. So I purchased the digital album and a physical CD from her website and really wanted a $65 sweatshirt but then remembered that I am a teacher. I waited and refreshed and refreshed and waited for the digital download to appear in my inbox. By 12:07 I couldn't wait any longer and saw that folklore was available on iTunes now so I bought it there too.

Let me just say...your fave could never. Honestly for everyone who doesn't get Taylor Swift, it must be nice having the emotional depth of a thimble. I'm in love with this album. It's a beautiful thing to be understood.

the 1

I definitely thought it was "tossing panties in the pool" until I looked up the lyrics to write this post. And in my defense...I have none.

cardigan

Yesterday I read The Light We Lost by Jill Santopolo and it really vibes with this song. If I had to guess what clothing item I am, I think I would be a graphic t-shirt, a comfortable and polarizing conversation starter.

the last great American dynasty

Instant fave. I love being the talk of the town and the socialite, see and be seen era. This song makes me believe that Real Housewives of the Atlantic Coast could be a thing.

exile

Let's all just take a moment and reflect on "I can see you staring', honey, like he's just your understudy" because WOW. This song reminds me of one of my favorite quotes about suicide, but in a good way? I doubt that will make sense to anyone.

my tears ricochet

This song reminds me of the list I have Emily keep of people not allowed at my funeral. I think Taylor would approve of this practice. Must mention that to my therapist.

mirrorball

These lyrics are reminiscent of Starlight and Enchanted and I'm here for it. And we all know how I feel about disco.

seven

7 is my favorite number so I had some high hopes for this song and my queen did not disappoint. This song reminds me of my own childhood, me and my cousins playing in the woods and finding ways to entertain ourselves.

august
August really does always seem to slip away doesn't it? Summer fades into fall before you know it. And I remember my days of driving around men who didn't have their own cars. 

this is me trying

"At least I'm trying" is like the angsty away message of every one of my relationships. Do the men ever try? Rhetorical question. Don't answer.

illicit affairs

I forced my grandpa to listen to the album with me and this was his favorite. Do with that what you will.

invisible string

After the revelation of betty I was so sure this was going to be the name of Sophie and Joe's baby but apparently they went in another direction. This is in my top 3 and makes me think that one day I will wish my exes well. But that day is not today.

mad woman

Okay I made my grandpa listen to The Man to prepare him for this song and I gave an impassioned speech about the ways women are represented by the media in our society and the double standards heaped upon us. Then my mom told me to cool down because she's a puppet of patriarchy.

epiphany
Not gonna lie this is not a fave of mine but you know, I think that as a nation America should treat veterans better so that is what I have to say about that.

betty 

Probably the most controversial song on the album to people who have not actually listened to said song. Also I'm a big proponent of f word inclusion so this song is a bop. 

peace
This song really connected to The Light We Lost too, maybe Taylor read that book. I love this chorus and I really have not had a moment's peace since I started liking boys back in kindergarten.

hoax

My other favorite...not sure what it is with me and suicidal lyrics. I mean love is a hoax. Also I love the word hoax.

Folklore demonstrates that Taylor Swift is, first and foremost, a storyteller. And a masterful one at that.

Here are my favorite songs from every T. Swift album and what percentage of the general population also lists them as their favorites...y'all have some bad taste.

Photos courtesy of Buzzfeed.

Seeking Season One

If you read my previous post Latter Date Saints, you know that I am a big fan of polygamy. Not like, as a marital practice, but as a reality TV concept. I have been an avid watcher of Sister Wives for a literal decade and during quarantine I convinced my roommate to join me. We rewatched every episode from the beginning. We laughed, we cried, I tried to convince her to watch The Red Tent with me because it's a similar concept, she said no.

I know a lot of people (and literal judges, because it is illegal) judge the Brown family and think their way of life is not normal. But if you take time to watch the show you will see a loving father who really treats all of the children equally, takes care of everyone and leads by example. Of course, I'm talking about oldest son Logan and not dad Kody, but still. We could all stand to be a little more like Logan. Honestly, Christine is my favorite but Janelle raised the best kids (Logan + Gabe). Don't @ me.

I have started listening to the recap podcast Surviving Sister Wives, but the lack of Browns on my TV screen has really left a hole that only an exorbitant amount of marital tension could fill...enter Seeking Sister Wife. Another show on TLC that I had never watched. Until now.

Now I could only access season 2, but it was incredible. Let me break it down for you. We have four families all searching for another wife, to varying degrees of success.

The Alldredges
Oh these guys. Apparently in the fabled season 1, this man and his 2 wives and 7 kids courted a woman who stood them up. Hey, no shame in that. Happens to the best of us. In season 2 we see husband Jeff, who I guesstimate to be fifty, falling for thirty-something gorgeous blonde Jennifer. His also young and also blonde wives Vanessa and Sharis seem to be here for it. The family leaves their home and children in...I forget where but for argument's sake let's just say Utah, for Canada to meet Ontarian Jennifer. That's right. Plenty of single women right here in America but they're importing. After what seems to be a decent first date, far better than many of mine, Jennifer has to leave suddenly for a family emergency. Jeff puts on a brave face and reiterates to the cameras and his wives that he believes Jennifer had a great time and truly did have an emergency. So the Alldredges arrange for Jennifer to come visit them in what I actually think is South Dakota? But then...Jeff gets a text from a friend of Jen's saying she is in the hospital because her appendix ruptured. At this point I'm checking my screen to make sure this is TLC and not MTV because it looks an awful lot like an episode of Catfish. Don't worry. It gets worse. Later they get another text saying that Jennifer has died. But Sharis follows Jennifer on social media and sees that she has recently posted a beach pic. So in a voiceover Jeff announces that the family has decided to not pursue Jennifer anymore. Nah dude. She faked her own death to get away from you. She is the decision maker here.

The McGees
What we have here is a typical case of a wife who clearly is not interested in living polygamy. But wife Paige thinks she wants a sister wife because she wants more children and cannot have them herself. I am guessing that their age prevented them from adoption and you can't go for mani/pedis with a surrogate so polygamy it is. Bernie and Paige join a dating site and although their primary  goal is to have more children, they begin courting Brandy who says she is not interested in having more kids. Things are going well until Paige realizes that Brandy would be dating her husband. She didn't sign up for that! Why can't Brandy and all subsequent sister wives function as live-in surrogates who help with housework? Isn't that what polygamy is? Things come to a head when Paige yells at Brandy and calls her dumb. Brandy leaves and Bernie and Paige's 2 sons are really upset. The youngest is crying, Paige is secretly taking joy in being there to comfort him, and husband Bernie tells his wife that he is heartbroken too. The McGee's claim that they plan to try again but I'm not seeing a happy ending here.

The Snowdens
The guys. Well. The Snowdens are an inexplicably wealthy couple in Atlanta who have Frankensteined an insanely pretentious lifestyle together from bits and pieces of different cultures and religions they like. It's as if they walked down a salad bar of diets and beliefs and symbols and created a vegan, paleo, gluten-free, organic, alkaline salad. Ashley and Dmitri Snowden courted someone in season 1 but that was ruined when Dmitri did what every outsider thinks that men in polygamous relationships do. Yeah. That. So now they have met Vanessa who lives in Seattle and we all know that cross-country romances are where it's at. They eventually all move to L.A. together and Ashley gives Dmitri permission to propose to Vanessa. For the proposal, Dmitri says that he has to write her a song because music is his life. He goes to his friend, rap name C-Tru, government name unclear, and they throw out all of the cheesy cliches that make us barf. I'm talking "I see my future in your eyes" and "when we're together time flies" and crap like that. Dmitri says that he can't sing so I am assuming he will play guitar during the proposal, maybe piano, whip out a lil John Legend. But as he leaves the studio he says he can't play an instrument either and is of no help to C-Tru...but music is his life? The proposal is every bit as cringey as it sounds and they all lived happily ever after I guess?

The Winders
Ya know there's not a lot here because the Winders are incredibly boring. There's a husband and 2 wives and a daughter. Husband Colton is about as exciting as day-old Cream of Wheat, which makes joining the family a hard sale on the polygamous dating app they join - Fishers of Women or something like that. The most interesting thing about their storyline is wife #2, Sophie's, mom. Sophie's mother is a plural wife herself and has no upper teeth, so that was fun to watch.

If anyone at TLC is reading this...first of all, huge fan! Second...please release the mythical season 1. I have questions.

My Big Fat Rapunzel Wedding

These days Disney has been trying to increase the diversity of their characters. Princesses like Tiana and Moana have become popular new additions while Elsa and Anna show young white girls with no parents that they too, can become a Disney princess. Shocking, I know.

Many people don't realize that there are only twelve official Disney princesses. I thought that for sure with the acquisition of 20th Century Fox they would add Anastasia and make it a baker's dozen - but no. A lot of women from animated Disney films have no royal status. Elsa has X-Men powers like freakin' Storm but has title, while barely sentient bump on a log Snow White is at least a princess but likely a queen by now unless her in-laws have Windsor blood in their veins.

Some princesses have redeeming qualities like Belle's intelligence, Mulan's bravery and Ariel's...I wanna say...curiosity? Like, there's something there. But others like Cinderella lack a personality entirely.

The official princesses are: Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty to commoners), Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel, Merida and Moana. That list leaves out a lot of important Disney women like Megara, Kida, Jane, Lilo, Alice and Esmeralda.

Now Esmeralda was a Romani girl. As an avid viewer of My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and the spin-off that was gone too soon, Gypsy Sisters, I think that it is time for a gypsy princess. Esmeralda has yet to gain princess status, but I think that there is a wealth of evidence supporting Rapunzel as the first official Disney gypsy princess. Let's look at the receipts.

Okay so right away we know this girl cleans a lot. Watch any episode of MBFAGW and you will see Romani women and girls cleaning and talking about how they clean all day.

Then when a strange man shows up, Rapunzel takes care of business herself and doesn't call the police, or muskers as the gypsies call them. She gets into an argument with her mother, something you will see a lot of during an episode of MBFAGW.

We also see Rapunzel fall in love with and run away with the first boy she meets. This happens in American Romani communities too because there are strict rules about girls not being allowed to have alone time with males. I can't tell you how many episodes I have seen where a bride-to-be announces that she is about to marry her Prince Charming after a whirlwind courtship of all of 4 weeks.

Have you seen her crown? You can't convince me that crown was not designed by fairy godmother to the gypsies, Sondra Celli. 

Then Rapunzel's mother goes after her, trying to find the boyfriend who abducted her teenage daughter. We've all seen one Nettie Stanley do this a time or two, lookin' at you Dovie and Pookie. And the boyfriend uses an alias. Flynn's real name is Eugene. Gypsy men do this too, look at Pat Baby.

And finally, a lot of gypsy women have long hair. I rest my case.

De Ja Food

In honor of one of the greatest snacks of all time being reintroduced at Targets and 7-Elevens near you, I am taking a trip down taste bud memory lane.

Dunkaroos, along with corduroy overalls and being told we had food at home, were a staple of my childhood. They remind me of being dropped off at my granny's house while my mom goes in for a teacher workday and Granny tells my cousin Sam to watch me and sends us both outside with a spoon full of JIF so we can play Mother May I? while she watches her westerns. Anybody else?

So far Betty Crocker has only released the vanilla cookies in vanilla sprinkle frosting but I am holding out hope for my personal favorite - chocolate frosting and grahams.

Today I am going to reflect on some of the other iconic snacks of the 90s that kept me entertained long before I had internet access or Disney channel. If anyone with power in the prepackaged carbs industry is reading this, I am pretty sure that the continued existence of Cheese Nips proves that having me as a loyal customer is enough to keep a product profitable.


Sweet Escapes
My parents kept these in the highest cabinet in our kitchen hoping that I wasn't dumb enough to climb on top of the stove and risk head trauma from the ceiling fan to get to them. They were sorely disappointed. I feel like these may have disappeared due to unsustainable packaging costs. These were sold in pouches like the picture, but also each wafer was individually wrapped inside. Look, it was the 90s, we had a big carbon footprint to fill. Let's rework the wrapping and bring it back!

Cheesecake Bars

These. Were. So. Rich. My grandpa always kept these at his house because my mom wouldn't get them for me. So I blame her for their disappearance. They had other flavors but I'm a classic kind of girl. My roommate remembers these but said she never got to try them because her mom would let her pick out two snacks each week at the grocer store. No matter how hard little Emily tried to save a snack for the freezer aisle, week after week she would always get distracted from her mission and use up her allotment on cheese balls and chocolates and chips before they got to the frozen foods. Moms. Ruining dreams since '93.

Flintstones Push Ups

Speaking of the freezer aisle...one knows why these sherbet treats were marketed by people with no access to refrigeration technology but it worked. Sure there are other push ups but they're just not the same. The Flintstones push ups hit different. Maybe the success of these push ups inspired the Flintstones vitamins. I often see those vitamins brought up in conversations on nosh-talgia and I do not get it those things were nasty. They tasted like chalk and also threatened to crack a tooth with every bite. I hated them so much that once I decided to try to dissolve it in a glass of water and just drink that. It was worse. A lot worse.

Lightsaber Spoons

Okay this isn't technically a snack but before y'all's parents let some of y'all choke on a toy prize from a cereal box, each bowl of Cocoa Krispies was a chance to win. I would promise my mom that I was going to eat whatever cereal was hawking the toy I wanted most. Unfortunately for me she caught on quick and started denying 5-year-old Rachel's requests for Raisin Bran and Fiber Os.

Reese's Swoops

Mannnnn these were the BOMB! And this was during my middle school years so I had a little more agency when it came to the family's groceries. By this point in time, the Daniel family schedule was ramping up. I had sports, my brother had...something going on, probably, and my youngest sibling was just born. That meant Mom was busy and Dad started getting the groceries on his way home from work. It was such a blessing because while my mom would pick through our request list like a FAFSA officer ready to veto anything she deemed non-essential to life, refusing to buy a replacement for a box of cereal if there was so much as a single oat left in the box, my dad didn't play that. He was not interested in approaching grocery shopping as a critical thinking exercise. If it was on the list, it was getting purchased. I swear. At 12 years old I could have written denture cream on the list and that man would have gotten it for me. God bless him. So my middle school lunches were full of Swoops. Honestly, it's a wonder I wasn't more popular.

Hershey's Bites

Okay, I am starting to realize that most of these snacks are chocolate. I clearly have a type. Hershey's Bites were the so good. I specifically remember the cookies-n-cream and the Reese's. What? Peanut butter is my primary source of protein. Sometimes if you left these bad boys out in the car they would get all melty and you would go in for a handful and realize you had white chocolate all over your hands. Those were the days.

Kudos

Cannot for the life of me figure out why these things disappeared. 100 calories? 4 weight watchers points? And they were legit marketed as granola bars even though they were essentially the love child of a Rice Krispies treat and a candy bar. After one of these, I was feeling all my Gwyneth Paltrow fantasy. Giving you fitness, serving healthy. Kudos the house down baby.

Butterfinger BB's

Okay that apostrophe doesn't need to be there. But these were so good. I have such a complicated relationship with Butterfinger. Like it is probably legit my favorite, on account of the butter, but only in certain forms. Like I'm never going to just buy a Butterfinger. But a Butterfinger Blizzard? Yes ma'am. Butterfinger eggs at Easter time? Butterfinger bells at Christmas? Yes yes. I'm just now realizing that Butterfinger Cups are gone. Really, y'all gonna double down on that Butterfinger Crisp nonsense and get rid of the real winners? Butterfinger BB's were the best of the best. Butterfinger BB's are my grandpa picking me up from school and if we didn't go to Golden Corral and eat a full meal at 3 PM,  he would take me to the gas station where I could get one snack and one drink. I would get a Pepsi and Butterfinger BB's and then we would go to the park and I always offered him some BB's even though he never offered me one of his cigarettes.

Pop-Tarts Magnets

Again not a snack but they came with one of my all-time favorite snacks. While the cereals were stepping it up with light up spoons, other kid-friendly breakfast foods had to find a way to compete. Pop-Tarts answered with these Cartoon Network magnets. I don't think I ever got the Dexter one but I did have several green Johnny Bravos. Growing up me and my brothers would hide Pop-Tarts from each other because they were a hot commodity. We all went through phases with favorite flavors. Chocolate fudge has been a household staple since they're my dad's favorites. I would microwave them for 20 seconds and then dip them in Cool Whip - another signature Daniel household food item. Speaking of which...I microwave my Pop-Tarts, never toast them. There was a long-lived brown sugar cinnamon phase followed by chocolate chip cookie dough before I finally settled on hot fudge sundae. Still my favorite to this day.

Joyful Noise

If the television show Glee was set in a private Christian school...

• It would be called Joyful Noise, not to be confused with the Dolly Parton masterpiece of the same name.

• New Directions would be called New Creations.

• As a Messianic Jew,  Rachel Berry would still be an outcast.

• Finn drops out of school when he gets a role in an off-off-Broadway production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He plays Dan.

• The Madonna episode would become the Mandisa episode.

• Brittany would accidentally join a cult like Westboro.

• Tina would gaze longingly at the choir room because her family is Church of Christ and they don't believe in music.

• Instead of Journey Mr. Schue would pick a new Hillsong piece every week.

• The kids would aspire to be in a Sight & Sound production instead of Broadway.

• Quinn's pregnancy scandal would still be scandalous.

• After graduation Sam would go on to compete on a reality show called American No Other Idols.

• Rachel would admire Amy Grant instead of Barbra Streisand. 

• Warblers Blaine and Sebastian form a hip hop duo called Cross Cross.

• Puck would be edgy because he's become an atheist. That's why he doesn't go by his first name, Noah.

• Artie would constantly campaign for the club to sing The Days of Elijah but no one would listen to him even though that song is a certified bop.

• The kids would have to decide between a spring break trip to Broadway or a mission trip.

• They would decide to combine music and mission and go volunteer in Branson, Missouri.

• When Mercedes feels like she doesn't get enough solos at school she switches churches so she can take the lead in a new church choir.

• The club gets in trouble for selling indulgences to local public schoolers to try to raise money for Winter Jam tickets.

• The kids have a song battle when Santana wants to get a tattoo of her favorite Bible verse (Psalm 25:7) but some of the kids believe that tattoos are sinful.

• Kurt tries to be edgier by writing a rap called Have It Yahweh.