The Dana Chronicles

As many of you probably don't know...tomorrow is my mother's birthday. A few years ago this blog broke the story of my attempt to send her a birthday gift via mail...a swing and a miss.

This year, I want to give her an even better gift than day-old fruit. So my gift to Missy is exactly what a true introvert such as herself will love - I'm taking the attention off of her. Instead of blogging about how great my mom is, I am proud to present the first ever #DanaChronicles, the next in my ongoing series of Chronicles where I cyber bully my family members for your entertainment.

Let the record show that our subject, my Aunt Dana, gave permission...kind of.


Allow me to properly introduce our roastee...my Aunt Dana is my mother's younger sister. We are pretty close and growing up I took almost all of my pop culture cues from her. So when my friends were all watching Mary-Kate & Ashley movies, we watched VHS tapes of Runaway Bride, Pretty Woman and Notting Hill. We've never met a Julia Roberts movie we didn't like or a Friends episode we couldn't quote. And we take Jennifer Aniston VERY seriously. It's a lifestyle.


We still have a lot of television in common like Project Runway, America's Next Top Model and of course Game of Thrones.


We also love medical dramas but she's an ER purist while I prefer Grey's Anatomy. Maybe she likes that stuff because she used to be a nurse...or she still is a nurse? Is being a nurse like being in a gang? Is it for life? IDK. In any event, she gets all of my medical questions and always suggests Motrin even though A) I only ever have Advil and B) as a layperson I am not privy to the difference between ibuprofen and  acetaminophen.


Luckily she didn't have to treat me for salmonella recently, but I did learn that she has discovered GIFs. So this should be a wild ride. So far I have been treated to a young Macaulay Culkin, Beyonce and the Seinfeld cast.


Dana lets me babysit and hang out with her kids a lot even though some would say I'm a bad influence. Like when I accidentally taught a then 4-year-old about mixed drinks. In my defense...he kept telling me his milk tasted minty what was I supposed to do, pretend that's normal? Smell it or check the date? In hindsight I probably should have  made sure it wasn't expired or contaminated. You live and you learn.


Caleb doesn't get all of the life lessons, I teach Blakeley plenty too. Most recently I taught her "sucka" and that was a big hit.


But from the looks of it, Blakeley doesn't even need my tutelage...she's already a sass master.


I look forward to a #DanaChronicles part 2 at some point once she forgets that I am likely screenshotting all of our personal conversations.

Hacked

Another video post in 2 parts. It's hard being a mogul.

Also...I think I have mastered embedding videos. Now if only YouTube or Screencastify could master finding still image previews that don't make me look 1000x worse than usual.

Plenty of Catfish

So I got catfished.

Or I’m starring in the sequel to The Shape of Water and everyone forgot to tell me. Thanks del Toro. 

Before everyone calls my therapist and sends chocolate, I’m really fine. This is how online “dating” goes. I only talked to the guy for a week or 2. I’m not particularly resilient but I’ll live. If you want to send chocolate just to be safe...it couldn’t hurt. The extra calories will help cushion my dramatic faux fainting spells. 

It's kind of funny in a way. After all these years of online "dating” I think we all assumed I would be the catfisher, not the catfishee. But here we are. 

I know what you’re thinking, how could someone so street smart get catfished? I’m not gonna lie, there were signs. 

Like when he didn’t have an iPhone. Let me just say...red flag. 

And when he wanted to talk on the phone...I don’t even talk to my parents on the phone it’s 2018, what is wrong with you?

And when he offered to bring food and leave it at my door. Don’t get me wrong...totally tempting, but strange.

And when he called me beautiful...that was and is mad suspect.

And then when he offered to buy me a Michael Kors smartwatch. I’m pretty conceited, we all know this, but even I don’t think I deserve that. 

When I politely declined his watch offer, he suggested I pick out some jewelry instead. I know nothing says "I definitely have nothing to hide" quite like buying someone you are interested in wearable technology before the first date, but I'm not going to get in the habit of declining jewelry. My Aunt Julia would disown me!

This lady doth protested, I told him he didn't need to buy me anything but when he kept threatening to just buy the watch I had to intervene. If he's going to spend an obnoxious amount of money on me it should at least be something I pick out. Or a blank check but it seemed a little tacky to ask for that. Missy would be so proud of my restraint.

I couldn’t decided between a necklace and earrings he of course said he wanted to get me both. Ladies. This is a RED FLAG. Males aren't considerate. They don't want us to be happy. They don't care about what necklaces we want. But I said have a little faith in him. Darn you John Hiatt (but really Jon Bon Jovi in New Year's Eve)!

And he didn't just offer to buy me jewelry, he told me to send him the links to what I wanted. He called me to discuss color and style options. He sent me a picture of his shopping cart for Cher's sake! 

At this point I was real suspicious...you want to buy jewelry for a girl you’ve never met? Why? So you can decorate my corpse after you murder me and stuff me to keep me as a dressed up, albeit shockingly hideous, human doll in some sick taxidermy fantasy? Because A) I think you are severely underestimating how much cotton batting that would require and B) I asked if you were a serial killer and you said no so it would be totally uncool of you to then murder me. You're a catfish AND a liar? That is two strikes, mister.

Bottom line - no normal guy wants to buy expensive jewelry for someone he’s never met. If y’all want to try to prove me wrong, go for it. I prefer gold and reds, pinks and blues. Also my idea of expensive jewelry is "it came from a mall and not Target" although can I afford most of the jewelry in Target? Negative.

I thought in the worst case scenario, I will just tell him I know what’s up. Then I "reluctantly" agree to meet up to talk through things. He brings the jewelry. I graciously accept his peace offering. I pretend to contemplate forgiveness. And then hop into my getaway car. It's practically a Taylor Swift music video.

Even when I figured he had to be a catfish, my heart (and my neck and ears) wanted desperately to believe he was who he said he was. Are you allowed to ask someone point blank, "are you hideous and using pictures of a more attractive human so that my shallow self will be interested in a relationship with you purely on the physical features of your face?" because that seems like a mean question. I didn't want to pressure him but I was also ready to call Max and Nev. If Max wants to be the friend who helps me through this experience and we end up falling madly in love, so be it.

But the reality is there is only one reason to hide your face. Actually, according to Ting there are 2 reasons. She said he could be a burn victim. She’s right but I'm an ugly victim and I still use my real photos. And have you seen the girls I have to compete with? I’m a teacher with student loans, grey hairs, adult acne, freckles that read like a skin condition and thick Jewish hair that office supplies frequently get lost in. If I can’t catfish then you definitely can’t catfish. 

I’m so tempted to just publish his phone number right here so my loyal fans can cyberbully him. But is that what Jesus would do? No, he would turn this one catfish into enough catfish to warn a multitude of fishers of men about the dangers of online dating. My theology may be a little off but Jesus and I want you to get back out there, online "date", open your heart to people, but maybe ask for a photo of their driver's license before agreeing to a date.

American Unfairlines

If you're upset because you haven't heard me complain about anything recently, boy do I have a treat for you. Enjoy a 2 part video series of me complaining about my recent trip with American Airlines.




Exhibit A, or as I like to call it, nothing but space.

Exhibit B, another day, another Twitter feud.