Dear UNC 19

This week I'm back to giving unsolicited advice on something I know nothing about...succeeding in college. For those of you who didn't go to college with me, I'm kidding! I rocked at college! Okay, I was decent at college. Well, I survived. I really hit my stride senior year, approximately 3 years later than I planned when I first started college but who's counting? When I saw #DearUNC19 trending on Twitter I thought to myself, "Just what the internet needs, my opinion!" and proceeded to write this post. Several of these points are UNC-specific but some are universal so I would advise everyone reading this post to ignore my advice equally, with no regard to where you attend school.

•  UNC spelling lesson: it's Dook. And every year when Dook and UNC play basketball we get #DookFans trending on Twitter and it's amazing. I'll be twatching. Don't let me down.
• Dey Hall is pronounced die and you will understand why once you struggle through mandatory foreign language classes.
• Do not, under any circumstances, wear your lanyard from orientation around campus in August. It's like getting "first-year" tattooed on your forehead. Speaking of which, at UNC you're a first-year not a freshman.
• The bricks are much more treacherous than they appear. Beware the bricks. Respect the bricks.
• Nextbus is awful. But you will need it. Finally deleting that app ALMOST made up for the countless lies it's told me over the years. Almost.
• Class registration really never goes well for anyone. You'll live.
• Don't be that person who arrives early for a class and proceeds to sit at the end of a row so that all subsequent classmates have to squeeze past you. Never be that person.
• Pizza in Rams Head Dining Hall is infinitely better than the pizza in Lenoir. Trust me, that's important to know.
• Your first FDOC (first day of class) you will be afraid that there was an assignment due in class that somehow everyone knew about but you. And in my experience, that feeling never went away. I walked into plenty of classes worried that I was going to fail out of college by missing one assignment. And I actually did, on a few ocassions, completely forget an assignment. And I survived relatively unscathed.
• You're going to procrastinate. Go ahead and make your peace with that now.
• Fun fact, you actually don't have to be best friends with your first year roommate. If you guys don't mesh, you will make other friends and live with them next year.
• Take as many cliche UNC pics as possible. At the Old Well, the Bell Tower, Kenan Stadium,  Wendy's. It's all iconic, I promise. 
• The arboretum = Coker Arboretum, the quad = Polk Place, the union = FPG student union. That's important for your Instagram locations.
• Take advantage of FallFest! You don't know what you have until it gets rained out. 
• Taking a study break to watch Netflix in the library isn't wrong and if anyone tells you otherwise then you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. As long as your study sessions are slightly longer than your study breaks, you're doing great in my book.
• This might be the most important piece of advice in this entire post so I'm hiding it in the middle. Never, under any circumstances, hit reply all to an email. An entire listserv will hate you. Forever. 
• You might roll in to Chapel Hill a pre-med chemistry major and roll out a communications major. Or a geology major. Or even a pre-med chemistry major. Crazier things have happened.
• Trying to get a table at Lenoir for lunch or Rams for dinner is a feat that will require at least 3 people and excellent knowledge of squatter's rights. Be prepared. 
• Check your school email before you go to class. You don't want to be that person who walks to class to find out it's been cancelled and if you live off campus you definitely don't want to bus to campus if class has been cancelled.
• That being said, it is very unlikely that class will be cancelled at the University of No Cancellations. Not for snow. Not for hail. Not for a hurricane. Not for losing to Dook. Is it college or the U.S. Postal Service?
• The Undergrad Library actually isn't the worst place in the world to spend a weeknight. Davis on the other hand...Davis is where dreams go to die.
• Please don't let failing a science class ruin your life.  
• Getting involved is a great way to force people to be friends with you. Fact: I had very few friends until my involvement with the Carolina For The Kids Foundation forced tons of cool people to be my best friends or at the very least tolerate me for a year.
• Your parents are paying a lot of money for you to be able to attend what is in my unbiased opinion the best university in the world. GO TO CLASS. 
• Phillips Hall and Carroll Hall are alternate universes where logic and reason mean nothing. If you're a math or journalism major you may very well find yourself asking for directions your senior year. If you want to get to the 4th floor of Phillips you need actual super powers.
• Advice from one of my favorite professors, "It's only a lot of reading if you do it.". Smart man. I'm only kind of kidding. Don't study long, study smart. And form study groups! If you can get 2 other people to need your help just as much as you need theirs, you can reserve a room in any of the libraries. Reserving rooms is so important because reserved rooms make it slightly more socially acceptable for you to be overly loud and obnoxious in the library.
• Get a selfie with Carol. Any chance you get. That woman is my fashion icon.
• You might get kvetched about. Or Yik Yak-ed (no idea how to make that a verb) about. And that's awesome. Some think being kvetched about is shameful but I was proud of my kvetch. As in I cut it out and framed it. And someday, if you're lucky, you can too!
• Sometimes you will go to the wrong classroom on FDOC. And you will live. True story I did this in my final semester on my last class of the day. Let that sink in. My last time ever entering a UNC classroom for the first time, and I went to the wrong one. Luckily I realized it before raising my hand and insisting that I was enrolled in the class. So before I made a complete fool of myself I left and to everyone else it just looked like I was trying to get into the class and there wasn't room. But I knew. And more importantly, I didn't care. 

That's the trick. It's just life and it's just college. You'll live.

I'm a conservative NC State fan. If I can love UNC, anyone can. Just know that while you're all attending orientation, moving in, sipping from the Old Well on FDOC and making Carolina your own, UNC 2015 is watching. And we're crying. 49% happiness for you and 51% jealousy :D

Questions That Need Answers: Social Media Edition

This post was almost titled "An Open Letter To People Who Tag Themselves On Instagram" but I decided that was too aggressive. This blog is a judgment-free zone. Sort of. It's a zone where only I can judge but every judgment is made up and my opinion doesn't matter. Y'all know that I'm all for ending selfie shame and posting whatever you want on social media (kind of). So don't think of the following as judgment. These are just honest questions I have that I would like answered. Soon. 


Why do people tag themselves on Instagram?
The question that started it all. This phenomenon perplexes me.  I'm not judging you, some of my very best friends tag themselves on Instagram. I just want to know why? Shouldn't we be able to tell from your profile picture or 12 years of friendship which one you are? I have tried to look at life through whatever filters these people use and in their defense, perhaps they think the rest of us are trying to hide something? I think thanks to online dating we've all been fooled into hoping for the best in a group picture a time or two. So maybe these people just feel very strongly about being the most attractive person in that photo and they want some credit? Just a guess?

Why do people subtweet themselves?
Granted, they probably don't realize that they're subtweeting themselves, but still...why? I see people do this all the time. Some boy will tweet "Why do girls always fall for jerks?" and I just think to myself...but that's you! You're a jerk! I don't believe I often tweet rhetorical questions (or anything of consequence), but I do know that I'm not tweeting things like "Some people are too obsessed with Dance Marathon." or "People these days can't drive." because those people are me! Check yourself before you tweet about yourselves people.

Why send mass Snapchats that are also on your Snapchat story?
Am I supposed to feel special that you snapchatted me when I see your story and realized that not only did you probably send this snap to a dozen other friends, but it's something that you shared with all of your Snapchat friends. Now admittedly, I don't open Snapchat stories because I'm incredibly self-involved. And why would I when a possible outcome is discovering that you've only ever sent me mass snaps? I thought we had something special. Does the fire emoji not mean anything to you?

Why use hashtags that aren't ironic?
I know it's 2015 but there are still people posting #YOLO unironically. This has to stop.
When you think YOLO I want you to think "I better remember to wear a seat belt!" not "I'm going to do something stupid and life-threatening now!".

Why Facebook RSVP and then not come?
I'm still pretty new to Facebook so I don't fully understand the etiquette involved here, but I feel like my friends are constantly RSVPing to events that they have no intention of going to.What's up with that? I understand that if I have a party and invite Brendan in Massachusetts that he is going to RSVP "yes" while not actually buying a plane ticket to come to North Carolina for every single Mary-Kate & Ashley movie marathon that I host. That would cost him thousands every year. But if you live within 20 minutes of me and RSVP, I expect you to come. And I'm going to make enough puppy chow for you. And I'm going to end up eating it alone while I watch reruns of One Tree Hill. So just think about that the next time I invite you to a Baby-Sitters Club-themed craft night.

Why do I have more Instagram followers than Twitter followers?
I'm not sure how common this scenario is, I think it's the norm for people to have more followers on Instagram now that it's what all the cool kids are doing. Take it from a cool kid. But I am surprised by the size of the discrepancy. It's almost 2x. And I don't know about you, but I am a lot more funny than I am attractive. When random people follow me on Twitter I get it. It's because I'm hilarious. When random people follow me on Instagram I like it, but I am perplexed. I don't think any of my selfies are #artsy enough to warrant a follow, but thank you brave souls.

Why decline my invitations to like Facebook pages?
Additional question: Why does Facebook feel the need to tell me that someone declined my invitation to like a page? Is that not in violation of the 8th amendment? I think it's cruel and unusual. If I invite you to like a page, it is probably the Carolina For The Kids page. And it you decline my invitation to like it...we probably aren't friends anymore. While writing this very paragraph I paused to invite people to like the CFTK Facebook page. So if you don't want to like it that's totally fine and I understand but you're wrong and bye.

Why do you have to be in middle school to be Insta-famous?
Honestly, I think about these things more often than I should, but I don't over-analyze because I care. I over-analyze because YOU care. And it appears to me that if you're roughly 12 years old you are almost guaranteed a thousand followers. Active followers who actually like your posts and comment, sometimes I feel like half of my follower-base is old accounts or ghost users. But maybe the better question here is why do middle schoolers have smart phones? What do you need to tweet about in middle school? I believe that Twitter is primarily for me to complain and post hilarious one-liners. But even I wasn't that funny in middle school, I was too busy devoting most of my free time to being enshrouded in angst. And what do you have to complain about?
"Man, pre-algebra got me feeling some type of way."
"Gas is so expensive for people that can no longer demand to get chauffeured everywhere."

Why do people unfollow me?
This question has 2 meanings. The 1st is what makes people unfollow other people on Instagram?  And the 2nd is what makes people unfollow ME specifically on Instagram? Because there are a few reasons why I unfollow people. A. They're just too young. B. They post ALL the time about things that NO ONE cares about (group rates, tbhs, shout outs). or C. They unfollow me/don't follow me back. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I ain't no follow back girl. But I don't think I'm guilty of any of these cardinal sins of social media. So you people who have unfollowed me, you know who you are and I know who you are because I'm the type of person who cares way too much about stupid stuff like followers and not enough about important stuff like tire pressure. Just DM me an explanation of why you unfollowed me. Of course, to DM me you will have to follow me so...these things have a way of working themselves out.

Why do people think that Instagram is going to delete their accounts?
Srsly. I promise you it is not going to happen. So stop reposting those images about #savemyaccount or whatever. If your account gets deleted because you took my advice, I will personally contact Kevin Systrom and get your account reactivated. But what's the worst that could happen? Your account gets deleted and instead of spending 3 hours a day on an app you spend that time reading my blog or petitioning your local bookstore to carry my book of essays?

Why do people have private social media accounts?
I will admit...I currently have private social media accounts for employment purposes. And I totally understand when someone has to make their accounts private for their job. But other than that, I just don't get it. I shouldn't have to deign lower myself to request to follow you in order to stalk you, am I right? Is it really "social" media if it's private? When I made my accounts private, I felt like I was announcing to the world "Put a ring on it! You don't get my amazing, original content for free anymore. If you want the milk, you have to follow the cow!" and the world responded with a resounding "Tbh, we could take you or leave you." and that still hurts.

Why do people take forever to respond to follower requests?
If by the time you accept my friend request, I don't remember having sent it to you, you took too long. It is very uncommon for me to ignore a follow/friend request. Either A. I legitimately have no clue who you are and we have 0 mutual Facebook friends or B. you're still too young. But why would someone ignore MY requests? I think my social media accounts do an excellent job of hiding my inherent creepiness and I don't look like a middle schooler with an iPhone 6. Most days. So why do you people hate me? And why do you continue to post and like things instead of replying to my friend request? I just hope you know that when I dedicate my first book to "friends" if you haven't accepted my friend request yet, that DOESN'T mean you!

Red, White & Better Than Japan

Over the weekend America celebrated 239 years of running things and I observed the birth of the greatest country in the world in our nation's capital. This was actually my first trip to Washington, D.C. as I passed up a field trip in high school because of volleyball practice and my 17th birthday. Practice got cancelled and my parents forgot my birthday. Lesson learned.

We begin our journey in Chapel Hill frantically throwing red, white and blue clothing and accessories (I have plenty) into my bag in an attempt to "beat traffic". I really don't know why we even bother, traffic always wins, kind of like America. After securing my red, white and blue Nike dunks in the trunk  one of my favorite Ann Coulter books in my lap, we were ready to head out. Going on any road trip lasting longer than an hour with me will require pit stops. I have a drinking problem. Ice water is my drug of choice. I would take it intravenously if that didn't seem medically unsound. So if I don't make a conscious effort to avoid all liquids, I will need to stop at a restroom every 2 hours, which I understand is terribly inconvenient and I'm sorry. But this trip was special thanks to a Mid-Atlantic gas station chain called Wawa. Fun fact about me, I love going to Walmarts, drug stores and gas stations in new cities. So I was pumped full of H20 and excitement to explore a Wawa. As someone who does not spend an inordinate amount of time in gas stations thanks to the convenient ability to pay at the pump and the inconvenient anxiety of human interaction, I am constantly impressed by how much some stations have to offer. At Wawa there was a soda machine, an Icee machine that appeared to be completely functional, a luxury where I'm from, and several food items that weren't made by the Mars company or Frito-Lay. I'm talking donuts, fruit parfait and mozzarella sticks warming right by the cash register waiting for the smell of marinara to impede my better judgment.

Once we arrived, the food situation got more complicated. D.C. is a pricey city. In between fast food staples like McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts and Shake Shack, we had to try some local restaurants. Here's what no one tells you about the capital...the service is terrible! All weekend we had waiters who couldn't remember our orders, or that they were supposed to be waiting on us. Our first D.C. dining experience was by far the worst, dinner at a bookstore that doubled as a restaurant. Our view overlooking the bookstore was great and the food was fine, I would totally recommend this place if you have 4 hours to kill and no plans for the foreseeable future.

In a charming subplot of country meets city, later that night I somehow happened upon a cute little bunny in the middle of Dupont Circle. Or so it seemed. I spotted the little darling hopping around in the grass and shouted "Bunny! Look guys, there's a bunny!" but none of my friends seemed to care. Finally, Jean-Luc indulged me and looked right as I was making my way over to the bunny, fully prepared to pick it up. Just before I got it within arm's reach he stopped me, "Rae, that's a rat." Oops. Moral of the story is that you may think that you see a bunny in the middle of D.C., but you could be wrong. Very wrong.

While in Washington, D.C. for the Fourth of July, naturally politics came up. And I think that my group discovered a very important political issue that needs further consideration. America is in a position to start thinking about what this country would look like with a woman president. I'm not diametrically opposed to having a woman president. I'm just opposed to that woman being Hillary Clinton. Might I suggest Carly Fiorina? In any event, if America has a woman president, that woman's husband will set the tone for what that position entails. What will we even call it? First Gentleman is the obvious choice but for a title that may fall upon Bill Clinton it seems ill-advised. Isn't that playing fast and loose with the term "gentleman"? Even the staunchest Hillary supporters have to ask themselves, do I really want Slick Willie to be the inaugural First Male? Another important issue we discussed...what is stopping the U.S. government from renaming Guam Genovia? Seriously, what's the harm? America deserves answers.

Aside from debating fundamental political issues, we took time to visit monuments, view the parade and tour museums. One thing that surprised me is that the White House is actually shockingly white. At first I thought it was just an archaic nickname, but 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is certainly not off-white, pearl, cream or champagne ivory. Red, eggshell and blue just doesn't sound the same, does it?

If you can avoid the "bunnies" and losing your favorite flip flops to the mean streets of Chinatown, nightlife in D.C. is an...experience. My friend Alex got called a "sassy little kitten" by a Madhatter patron. If you pronounced that in your head as pay-trun, congrats on your English. If you pronounced it as pah-trone, congrats on being Andrew. At one bar, the restroom had a "bathroom attendant" that was really an unaffiliated citizen quick to capitalize on tourists. So naturally my friend tipped him for handing him a paper towel and I spent the rest of the night claiming to be a dance floor attendant or a sidewalk attendant or a Metro attendant and asking him for cash.

After brunch Sunday morning we raced home to watch the Women's World Cup Final. We had been following the tournament. The day before we spent several hours in a restaurant watching England beat Germany in a very physical game and trying to finish our pizzas. One referee in particular took command, making several game-changing calls and even breaking up an altercation between the two teams. My friend pointed out she probably found it ridiculous that she has to break up a fist fight over third place, but I guess countries that aren't America get excited over stuff like that. After the women's game finished we turned our attention to the men's Copa America final where Chile beat Argentina during penalty kicks. Great day for the Lone Star State (Hint: Google flag of Chile & flag of Texas) but I was pulling for Argentina and was surprised at how upset I was when they lost. For years I've had no interest in soccer when America isn't directly involved, but here I am emotionally invested in Copa America because I cannot watch a competition without picking a side. How very American of me. I refuse to not have an opinion. I was only pulling for Argentina because it's my favorite basketball player's home country. I may have many faults (yet to be proven) but being neutral just isn't one of them.

When America defeated Germany (for a third time) there was a lot of buzz about the final match. It could be against England or Japan. While many Americans were excited about the possibility of playing England on the Fourth of July weekend, I wanted Japan and I wanted blood. After the 2011 World Cup and December 7, 1941, nothing feels as good to me as beating Japan. Not even shopping. So if the Fourth of July is my Christmas (which it is), then Sunday's World Cup final was my birthday. And Rapinoe's.

Help Wanted

By the time I graduated college I was sick of reading articles and posting responses. In my final semester of undergrad it seemed like all I ever did was read some scholar's opinion on a topic and then after I had spent hours reading it, understanding it and supporting it like I had been assigned, the next day in class my professor would tell us all how said scholar had been proven wrong. And the topics were always ones I found completely irrelevant, like the global economy and the dangers of deforestation. You know, nothing that actually matters in the real world, like what I was studying in my other classes, the long-term effects of surrealism in Iranian literature.

But if there's any practice more frustrating than reading and responding to 6 articles a week it's crafting 6 new cover letters every week. Writing a different cover letter for different career fields is taxing enough, I mean I only have so many skills. There are only so many synonyms for organized. And there are only so many people willing to be a reference for me. But the worst part of writing and rewriting cover letters is the manhunt it takes to find out who you need to address it to. It takes me about 3 minutes to rewrite a cover letter for a specific job, and about 3 hours to figure out the name of the HR contact.

After a couple of months of applying for jobs, I am more determined than ever to be a trophy wife. I'm just not cut out for the rat race of sitting at home alone watching TV, eating cheese in my pajamas and clicking "send resume" over and over again, it's exhausting. Today's post is about what I'm actually doing when I'm "applying for jobs online".


Netflix
I think a large part of this issue is that whenever I see the word resume, instead of thinking "reh-zoo-may", my mind sees "ree-zoom video" and I head back over to where I left off on One Tree Hill. If binge-watching Saturday Night Live is wrong, I need more cowbell. It's just so easy to rationalize. "Well, I spent 15 minutes on E!.com and it appears they have no reality TV openings, so I can reward myself with 3 crappy rom-coms and a Disney movie."

LinkedIn
Hey, this sounds productive! Until you realize that I've never actually applied for a job via LinkedIn I just constantly find people on there I can't believe I haven't already connected with and look for a different profile picture.

Buzzfeed
My internet-obsessed friends often begin a conversation with "Have you seen that Buzzfeed article on..." and I stop them right there because the answer is yes. I have. If it's been on Buzzfeed I have almost definitely seen it. I may not have read the entire article or taken the quiz, but I probably saw the icon and read the headline. It's a sickness. It takes no thought. Open laptop. Log in. Open Firefox. Open Buzzfeed. Lather, rinse, repeat. I read a few articles, take a few quizzes to find out what my second favorite ice cream topping says about me and skim a couple of definitive lists and before you know it it's time for dinner.

Wikipedia
I could spend hours on Wikipedia. In fact, I do spend hours on Wikipedia. There are 2 main ways in which I end up inevitably sucked down the rabbit hole for the better part of a Tuesday morning. 1. Something prompts me to look up the Middle East and I hyperlink myself into oblivion. I start in Afghanistan and keep clicking on links until I end up back in America. 2. A movie or actor pops into my head and I go all 6 degrees of separation until I've discovered that Brad Pitt's cousin's nephew was once in a film with Tom Cruise's uncle's au pair. Or I just read the plots of any movie title that sounds familiar. If it's a classic or a pop culture reference, I have read the plot line according to Wikipedia. This drives my friends crazy but I just hate not knowing everything.

Paying Bills
I stopped to pay a bill while writing this blog post. It's just so rare that I think about paying bills while I'm actually online that if it happens, I'm going with it. And this always takes so long, each and every time I have to look up my password and username because they're so secure and elaborate. I mean sometimes my password is my first name, sometimes it's my last name, who can keep track?

Online Quizzes
I ain't got no type. Buzzfeed quizzes, personality quizzes, Myers-Briggs, Sporcle, geography quizzes. I can't explain it, in my day-to-day life I never ask myself what kind of flower I am, but as soon as I see an online quiz for it, I just have to know. And in my never-ending quest to memorize the globe I'm constantly searching for a European geography quiz that gives hints. South America took me all of a week to cover, capitals included, but Europe just will not got down without a fight. Was that an accidental metaphor?

More TV
The only thing that could rival my internet addiction is my television addiction. These days, if it's not on Netflix, it's likely on the channel's website. Not even 24 hours after a new episode airs you can watch it online. This is great for those with an active lifestyle, if you're like me and constantly missing your favorite shows because you're in the middle of a movie, you can catch up online. Once I watched an entire half-season of Degrassi when I should have been writing a paper on the influence of Wahhabism in Saudi Arabia. I regret nothing.