BIBLE TL; DR Ruth & Naomi

A long, long time ago in Bethlehem there was a famine. Not like when Subway is out of chocolate chip cookies (as they frequently are) but like there was legit no food. A woman named Naomi (and a lot of less important people) lived in Bethlehem at the time and they were straight up not having a good time. Naomi's husband Eminem moved their family to Moab but then he died. So that's tough. Naomi was left to live alone in Moab with her 2 sons. If her husband wasn't already dead she would probably kill him for leaving her alone with 2 boys. But at least she had a husband at one point, am I right? Her sons married Moabites but then they died too. What is going on here? This Moab is worse than Chicago.

So it was just Naomi and her daughters in law, Ruth and Orpah. Naomi told them “I am going to my hometown, I don’t care where y’all go but you can’t stay here” because she was not trying to like start a book club and kee-kee it up with them. Orpah went home to her family but Ruth could not take a hint. She told Naomi that she would go anywhere Naomi went. Stage 5 clinger.

So Ruth and Naomi travel back to Bethlehem. It was kind of like when you go home while you're in college and you bring your new roommate along. They begin to work in the fields picking up after harvesters, which is about as fun as it sounds. One of the field owners noticed what a hard worker Ruth was. She worked hard to get that bread while taking care of Naomi even though she didn’t have to. This field owner was named Boaz and he was related to Eminem. He helped to provide for her and sneakily told his workers to drop extra barley for her because chivalry was still alive back then. He also gave her free drinks for life from his water jars. Boy was whipped!

Boaz told Ruth she could keep gathering that grain in his fields all season and Naomi was so grateful. Naomi grew up in those fields and she knew Ruth didn't have the field smarts to hack it. While Ruth was working I guess Naomi was at home watching soaps and she cooked up a plan. Naomi was like Ruth you be Reba being Fancy and I'll be unnamed woman playing Fancy's mom. So she sent Ruth to sleep at Boaz's feet. This is where I would have headed out but I'm not married so what would I know?

Boaz woke up in the middle of the night and was so thankful it was just Ruth and not slender man that he proposed! Ruth and Boaz married but they still were friends with Naomi so it was like Three’s Company. Naomi was Chrissy.

End the Back Dog

A lot of millennials rent because we can't afford to buy a house thanks to student loans - more specifically student loan INTEREST. A lot of millennials also own pets because when you're drowning in debt what better investment than a creature who eats money and poops work?

I am not a dog person.

I'll give you some time to process that.

I get that this is considered weird by many. I don't dislike animals. I'm just not a pet person in general. In my free time I don't want to attend dog fights but I also don't want to hit up the pet store for more pee pads.

I anticipate that someday in the future my kids will want a pet and I will be more than happy to get them a nice rescue mutt for the backyard. Or maybe they will want a fish or a hamster and we can make room for them in the garage. Or maybe I'll never even have kids because no one wants to marry me and all this speculation is for naught.

I'm glad I have zero interest in owning a dog until I marry rich because they're expensive! According to a brief Google search I conducted, dogs tend to cost around $15,000 throughout their lives. Do you know how many McChickens that is? And at some apartment complexes, that figure keeps rising.

A growing trend among residential management systems is requiring DNA testing for every dog, often at the expense of the owner. What is that DNA used for? Are they trying to connect the puppers to long lost relatives? Attempting to break open a cold case with familial DNA? Nope.

Apartment complexes taking a broken windows approach to deserted dog doo will hire any of a number of companies breaking into the doggie DNA industry to chart all animals and then test neglected feces. Upon signing a lease, residents will have to submit a sample. A saliva sample, not a poop sample so please be careful where you put that swab. The resident will pay a fee ($40ish), the sample is tested and their dog is added to the World Pet Registry. And let me tell you Labradors for Libertarians are pissed!

Once your pooch is registered, not only can they never commit a crime with anonymity again, but if they poop and you don't scoop, the property manager can collect a sample, send it in for testing, determine who did the doo, and fine you.

You know what takes about as much time as bending down to get a stool sample from a pile of dog poop? Picking up the pile of dog poop.

But I still wanted to know more. Was this all just an urban legend? Is there a black...or dare I say, brown...market of DNA samples so your beagle never gets busted? There was really only one way to find out. I went undercover! Never Been Kissed style. But without actually going anywhere. I posed as a prospective renter online and contacted some apartment complexes in my area to inquire about their puppy poop policies.

And it was all true. Not at every single location. My apartment complex has no such policy. But take a look at the response I got from another property less than a mile away.

No word on the amount of the fine for not scooping what your dog is pooping but I can't imagine it's under $100. Testing dog poop samples is now a million dollar industry. My apartment complex can't be bothered to get me a post-war oven but the one down the block is enlisting scientists to track down inconsiderate pet owners?

I've had it with this shit. Literally.

Do we live in a society that values punishing people who don’t like cleaning up after their dogs more than punishing men who rape?* Now I will admit, this is not a 1-to-1 transaction as testing rape kits is about 10x as expensive as testing doggie DNA but honestly what is more important  - using your greyhound's genetics to track down a poopetrator or locking up rapists? This is NOT a rhetorical question and there IS a wrong answer.

The thing is it's just not profitable to put rapists in jail. Who does that help? Women, mainly. Survivors of rape are treated as a negligible niche market because there's no money in it. There are many contributing factors to the large number of rape kits that go untested every year. Our system for testing rape kits lacks clear protocols, training programs and lab funding. There's no law. And there's no order.


But squeezing an extra $40 fee here and $100 fine there from people who are likely to be living paycheck to paycheck? Now that's just good business, right?

You can learn more or donate to End the Backlog, a program dedicated to bringing about the policy changes needed to permanently solve this problem, founded by Detective Olivia Benson herself, here.


*For the record I acknowledge that not all rapists are men. And not all rape victims are women. But if you read this blogpost and your first thought was "hey! what about men?" then statically speaking - shut up.

It's About Valentime

Are you in an awkward position this Valentine's Day? In between like and love? You know you need to do something for that special someone but you don't want it to be too much too fast?

I got your back. Introducing "It Ain't That Deep Valentine's Cards"! Comes in 9 emotionally ambiguous flavors. Feel free to print these out and use them yourselves.

This is for the true crime fan in your life who also hates the Patriots. Because why would you give a valentine to someone who doesn't hate the Patriots? Bonus points if the recipient also thinks that David Koresh was a total babe.

This is really just an artfully arranged list of handsome men. WARNING: Appreciation of this card is contingent of the receiver knowing the famous Cher quote.

Honestly this is just facts. It's a statistical improbability. Sure, it sounds good in a song but if EVERYONE was kung fu fighting then who was cooking the food? Who was replacing the toilet paper? It just doesn't add up.

This is probably the most heartfelt variety in our whole collection. And maybe a subtle hint that someone in your life needs to watch out for some red flags from whoever they have their eye on. That's where you come in! All's fair in love and elections.

Here's a card that says I care. I want you to have a healthy immune system and not suffer through preventable illness. I'd take that kind of practical concern over flowers any day!

Simple elegance for the conspiracy theorist who is also not wrong. If they like the card maybe they will want to watch The Irishman with you. I heard you hate pedophiles? 

If you keep butter on the counter you're a monster. There. I said it. And let this card also serve as the gentle reminder we all need that Shelly Miscavige, wife of the leader of scientology, is still missing. She has not been seen in 13 years. Someone had a worse 2007 that Britney Spears and the authorities are doing nothing about it.

BONUS

Here are some bonus cards in case you're in an actual loving relationship. Gross.

If your county tax rate is over 7% you really can't use this card but in the majority of North Carolina McDonald's you'll be fine. 

This is a shoot your shot card with a built-in exit strategy. If they say no you claim you were just collecting data.

OK Karens

Before we really get into things I want to include this conversation I had with my brother today. I think everyone will agree that it is literally the dumbest conversation of all time.

Me: "I like Lemonade Mouth."
Colby: "Let It Shine was the best."
Me: "What is Let It Shine? I've never heard of that."
Colby: "What?! You haven't heard of Let It Shine?! It's so good. It has Coco Jones."
Me: "Who is Coco Jones?"
Colby: "YOU DON'T KNOW WHO COCO JONES IS?!"
Me: "No...who is she?"
Colby: "OMG, Coco Jones is so good. I can't believe you don't know who Coco Jones is."
Me: "What is she in?"
Colby: "She's in Let It Shine."
*Picture me looking into the camera with a blank stare.*


Okay now that that's over...let's talk about sports baby.

More specifically...the Super Bowl Halftime show.

I thought it was dope.

J. Lo and Shakira looked amazing as usual. Defying the laws of age and gravity and kinesiology. But a lot of Karens out there did not think it was dope. You know who you are.

I have seen so many articles about women calling the halftime show inappropriate and perverse. I have also seen tweets defending the duo. Honestly when I first saw on the news (aka Buzzfeed) that people were upset about the show I was surprised. What could they be upset about? There were no nipples and the Patriots didn't win. In football that's known as a perfect game.

But apparently a lot of women - and some men too - felt that it was too sexual, provocative and inappropriate for the audience watching. Here's the thing...if your child has a smart phone it is completely asinine for you to be concerned about the halftime show. Kids these days are walking around with the internet in their pockets. And have been for years 'cause y'all been buying 'em freakin' iPhones since they were in 5th grade.

Your parental TV locks? Yeah those mean nothing if the kid has a smartphone or a laptop or an iPod. My mom still has parental locks on her TV at home but that's not because she's trying to monitor my teenage brother's every move. She made them a long time ago and now she doesn't know how to take them off. Bless her heart.

And have y'all been to a beach? 'Cause I don't think you're ready to hear about bikinis.

I teach Sports Marketing. So today in class I wanted to have a debate about it. But we couldn't. I gave them each 2 articles...one berating the halftime show and the other defending it. After they read both articles I asked them to pick a side. Was the halftime show perfectly fine or inappropriate? And every single one of them thought it was fine and didn't get what all the fuss was about. Because my teenagers are more reasonable than midwestern moms.

One point that is being brought up a lot is that no one complained last year when Adam Levine took his shirt off. I COMPLAINED! That man does not look good with his shirt off. No one asked for that sir. And his tattoos do not look good. I love tattoos. But not those.

That is a valid point though. His topless gyrations didn't result in a ton of indecency accusations. If I remember correctly...Shakira and J. Lo were not shirtless. That was a different Super Bowl. So what's the problem? That they're women? That they're mothers? Pretty much all the hottest people are.

So before you post about how inappropriate the halftime show was, maybe you should see what your tweens are watching on skinemax after you finish your recorded episodes of Castle.


And before you post something ignorant about coronavirus, vaccinate your damn kids. That's unrelated but needed to be said.