People often ask me, "Rachel, why don't you write a book about yourself?" and that is due in large part to the fact that I don't think Abandonment Issues The Musical would be a bestseller but also because as much as I love TALKING about myself, I prefer WRITING about other things. Like my childhood. The crazy situations I find myself in. My personality. And my opinions. I guess I could write a book about myself after all.
So I'll start this week by weighing in on a recent celeb controversy. Now I love celebrity news as much as the next pathetic wannabe, but sometimes E! News and People.com and even my best (only) friend Buzzfeed, go too far. Two models have attracted national attention recently, basically for being human beings doing their jobs. And after years of watching America's Next Top Model I am more than koalafied to discuss it.
Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner received a lot of backlash when she did a photo shoot as a ballerina. People were mad that Vogue Espana used a model for the photo shoot and not a real ballerina. Correct me if I'm wrong (cause I'm not)...but isn't that what models are for? I don't think Kate Moss exclusively wears Rimmel makeup. Gisele has been the face of half a dozen perfumes. Are we supposed to believe she layers them on every day? And I hate to break it to y'all, but I know for a fact that Heidi Klum doesn't take daily trips to Carl's Jr. Because I've seen her. Consumers don't want to buy products from normal people. Is anyone going to run out to buy Maybelline mascara* after viewing a close up of me? No. Book an appointment with their dermatologist? Maybe. The job of a model is to pretend. To make us rat-faced plebeians believe that if we buy the right products, we too can have legs like Karlie, cheekbones like Joan, lips like Miranda, skin like Chanel. Is the media telling us no one is allowed to pretend? I pretend every day. I pretend to be a confident, independent woman. I pretend to know the answer when my students ask me for help on their science homework. I pretend peanut butter doesn't have calories. And what about Halloween? I guess I can only dress as a teacher or internet troll or witch.
Gigi Hadid
"Gigi Hadid LASHES OUT"
"Not model behaviour. Frantic Gigi Hadid lashes out"
"Furious Gigi Hadid lashes out and elbows a fan in the face"
"Gigi Hadid aggressively lashes out and ELBOWS fan in the FACE after he tries to pick her up"
What actually happened was a total stranger picked Gigi up for several seconds until she elbowed him in the face and got away. My favorite thing about these headlines is that they all think they're being clever by using the phrase "lashes out" as if she exclusively models mascara. My least favorite thing about these headlines is that they are ridiculous and the Brits still don't know how to spell behavior. Saying she elbowed a fan makes it sound like a little girl asked for an autograph and Gigi gave her a jab to the throat. If this had happened to me, my dad (and my cousin Kelsey) would be livid if I DIDN'T elbow the guy in the face. And all of my uncles would probably sign me up for a concealed carry class within the week. People. She's a 21-year-old woman. A stalker grabbed her and she responded appropriately. Also, let's give this guy some credit. He didn't just try to pick her up. He succeeded. He literally picked her up. And homegirl got the heck outta there. Watching her walk the runway doesn't make me want to workout but seeing her smash that guy's face sure does.
In closing - it is 2016. There's a huge election coming up in 40 days. There's a Syrian refugee crisis. There's football to be watched. Blake Lively is pregnant for Pete's sake!** Can we not find more important things to talk about than people doing their job and protecting themselves?
*Maybelline has asked me to stop publicly endorsing them. I'm bad for business. So I take it back. I actually use Smaybeddine mascara.
**Who is this proverbial Pete and why is he capitalization worthy?
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
(Inter)Views From the 6
I don't have a ton of what adults would call "real world experience" but if there's two things I know, one of them is frozen yogurt toppings. Unfortunately, this blog post is about the other thing I know, and that's interviews.
I have been interviewed around 10 times but I have interviewed other people somewhere in the ballpark of 100 times. I've even interviewed someone in a ballpark! (That's a lie.) Since I identify primarily as an interviewer and not an interviewee, I am in a wonderful position to give advice on how you should answer the 6 most popular interview questions of 2016 as voted on by me.
Here are the questions I would be asking if I were interviewing literally anyone for any reason.
Are you a Kim or a Taylor? Explain.
You can honestly answer this question either way as long as your reasoning is sound.
Kim-My likes include being the center of attention, clapping back, selfies and wearing false lashes to the gas station. (SAME.)
Taylor-I like to be surrounded by an insanely large girl squad at all times and I write songs about everything that happens to me. (SAME.)
What are your weaknesses on social media?
Bad grammar? Excessive hashtags? Long captions? Overly frequent posts? As your potential employer these are things I need to know. If you have to check Instagram every 15 minutes, on the minute, that's fine. But if you feel the need to participate in #MCM or #WCW every week, we will have a problem.
Why did your last relationship end?
Cheating? Addiction? Celebrity crushes? I gotta know. This is less about the job and more about me needing blog material. I would write about my own relationship failures but my biggest failure is that there is never a relationship to speak of.
Describe yourself in 3 memes.
Acceptable answers:
Harambe-Roses are red, I'm kind of blue because there's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Pizza Rat-Aren't we all pizza rat? I know I am.
Crazy Girlfriend-See above.
Unacceptable answers:
Dat Boi-It just creeps me out. The frog skin looks so waxy and frogs are disturbing. They're so fat but surprisingly agile. It's not fair.
Left Shark-I never got what was so impressive about left shark. Is he like the cultural icon of left-handed people? Because they already have Joan of Arc, Judy Garland, Jimi Hendrix AND Julia Roberts. I'm sensing a correlation between southpaws and J names.
The Most Interesting Man Alive-Everyone thinks they're the most interesting man alive. Only Cam Newton is ACTUALLY the most interesting man alive. Until you promote dental hygiene to hundreds of impressionable young fans, you can't answer with this.
Where do you see Justin Bieber in 10 years?
I want to know your vision for future of Canada's most questionable expat. Do you see the Biebs bankrupt? Married to Selena? Rejoining Instagram? If you answered married to Selena, please excuse yourself from the interview. Selena is a QUEEN and she deserves better.
If you could only use one Instagram filter for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
Acceptable answers: no filter, Clarendon, Moon, Lark, Juno, Crema, Amaro, Mayfair, Rise, Hudson, Valencia, X-Pro II, Lo-Fi, Inkwell, Hefe, Nashville
Unacceptable answers: Gingham, Reyes, Slumber, Ludwig, Aden, Perpetua, Sierra, Willow
Clarendon is pretty much my life because it's the first filter and I don't actually care enough to go through all the options anymore. I've really matured. I don't trust people who use Reyes or Sierra. That's gonna be a deal breaker for me.
I have been interviewed around 10 times but I have interviewed other people somewhere in the ballpark of 100 times. I've even interviewed someone in a ballpark! (That's a lie.) Since I identify primarily as an interviewer and not an interviewee, I am in a wonderful position to give advice on how you should answer the 6 most popular interview questions of 2016 as voted on by me.
Here are the questions I would be asking if I were interviewing literally anyone for any reason.
Are you a Kim or a Taylor? Explain.
You can honestly answer this question either way as long as your reasoning is sound.
Kim-My likes include being the center of attention, clapping back, selfies and wearing false lashes to the gas station. (SAME.)
Taylor-I like to be surrounded by an insanely large girl squad at all times and I write songs about everything that happens to me. (SAME.)
What are your weaknesses on social media?
Bad grammar? Excessive hashtags? Long captions? Overly frequent posts? As your potential employer these are things I need to know. If you have to check Instagram every 15 minutes, on the minute, that's fine. But if you feel the need to participate in #MCM or #WCW every week, we will have a problem.
Why did your last relationship end?
Cheating? Addiction? Celebrity crushes? I gotta know. This is less about the job and more about me needing blog material. I would write about my own relationship failures but my biggest failure is that there is never a relationship to speak of.
Describe yourself in 3 memes.
Acceptable answers:
Harambe-Roses are red, I'm kind of blue because there's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Pizza Rat-Aren't we all pizza rat? I know I am.
Crazy Girlfriend-See above.
Unacceptable answers:
Dat Boi-It just creeps me out. The frog skin looks so waxy and frogs are disturbing. They're so fat but surprisingly agile. It's not fair.
Left Shark-I never got what was so impressive about left shark. Is he like the cultural icon of left-handed people? Because they already have Joan of Arc, Judy Garland, Jimi Hendrix AND Julia Roberts. I'm sensing a correlation between southpaws and J names.
The Most Interesting Man Alive-Everyone thinks they're the most interesting man alive. Only Cam Newton is ACTUALLY the most interesting man alive. Until you promote dental hygiene to hundreds of impressionable young fans, you can't answer with this.
Where do you see Justin Bieber in 10 years?
I want to know your vision for future of Canada's most questionable expat. Do you see the Biebs bankrupt? Married to Selena? Rejoining Instagram? If you answered married to Selena, please excuse yourself from the interview. Selena is a QUEEN and she deserves better.
If you could only use one Instagram filter for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
Acceptable answers: no filter, Clarendon, Moon, Lark, Juno, Crema, Amaro, Mayfair, Rise, Hudson, Valencia, X-Pro II, Lo-Fi, Inkwell, Hefe, Nashville
Unacceptable answers: Gingham, Reyes, Slumber, Ludwig, Aden, Perpetua, Sierra, Willow
Clarendon is pretty much my life because it's the first filter and I don't actually care enough to go through all the options anymore. I've really matured. I don't trust people who use Reyes or Sierra. That's gonna be a deal breaker for me.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
American Horror Story Season 6
I, for one, am super excited about tonight's premiere of American Horror Story season 6. I'm so excited that I don't care if you're excited or not, I'm going to blog about it anyway. I mean I do that every week but this week it's spooooooooky. Normally the theme for the season is revealed months in advance and we all die of anticipation until the new season begins. For season 6, FX has released limited trailers that only hint at the theme. So the entire fandom has no idea what the newest season will be about. Here are my guesses.
AHS: Election 2016. Make America Afraid Again.
with Leslie Jordan as Hillary Clinton
What...a nightmare. Just when you thought our future couldn't get any scarier, a pneumonia outbreak changes the game and a mysterious new candidate named Ben Ghazi takes the stage. Narrated by Joe Biden, this season will feature the fear that only comes once every 4 years. Election day.
AHS: There's a Roach in My Room
with Cheyenne Jackson as The Ex-terminator
There's a cockroach in your room and the only exterminator available is literally your ex(-terminator). What do you do? Combat the roach alone? Cave and call your former flame? Burn the house to the ground? Resign to death? This season reveals the outcome of each of those options in an homage to Run Lola Run.
AHS: No Wifi
with Sarah Paulson as your Mom who doesn't get what the big deal is
In 2016 can you imagine anything scarier than not having wifi? I can't. Except MAYBE a Grease 3. On AHS: No Wifi, angry mom Joan Crawford forces her children to do all sorts of unspeakable chores every time they accidentally claim to be bored. Yard work. Dusting. Even...bed making. It's senseless torture, you're just going to mess the sheets up later that night. But Mama Crawford don't care.
AHS: Killer Rabbits
with Finn Wittrock as Little Bunny Foo Foo
There is nothing more horrifying than people dressed as rabbits. If you get your child's picture taken with the Easter bunny you're a monster. If the thought of Little Bunny Foo Foo scooping up those innocent meecy mice and boppin' 'em on the head doesn't terrify you then you are probably a well-adjusted adult with no lingering pet issues. In this season the scariest bunnies of all time reprise their roles. Foo Foo is joined by Donnie Darko's pal Frank, Kevin Hart as Snowball and the entire cast of Watership Down.
AHS: Courage the Cowardly Dog
with Matt Bomer voicing Courage
That show is probably scarier than The Shining, The Exorcist, Psycho and Stephen King's middle school diary put together. And it was shown to children! I STILL can't eat eggplants! (I mean I didn't exactly eat them before but after, not a chance.) This continuation will show the devastating effects of humans ignoring Courage's warnings for years. Katz, Cajun Fox, that alien chicken, the duckling...I'm starting to understand my aforementioned lingering pet issues.
AHS: Insane Clown Posse
with Kathy Bates as Violent J
I know that we already had a killer clown in season 4, AHS: Freak Show, but his character arc is so sympathetic and It is being remade and there are scary clown sightings in North Carolina so why not? On AHS: Insane Clown Posse the Juggalos and Juggalettes and Juggakids and Juggapets use sinister tricks to get ahead in the wrestling industry. You can't spell Insane Clown Posse without insane.
AHS: Accidentally Liking Your Ex's Old Instagram Photo
with Angela Basset as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
What could be scarier than that? And unlike moving into a haunted house, getting sent to an insane asylum, practicing witchcraft, joining the circus or becoming a vampire, this is something that could happen to any of us at any time. There are hundreds of victims every day. In this technologically terrifying season, Angela Basset's thumb is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Before she can unlike the post, Instagram crashes. In her post-double tap hysteria she gets a snapchat from her ex, but only the notification. This season follows her as she waits for the snapchat to load for an impossibly long 13 minutes.
I also wanted to let you all know that my brother released an album on iTunes yesterday (The CPD Project by Wurdship). Being the amazing older sister that I am, I am giving him a shout out even though he didn't even mention this blog in his album. At least I don't think he did...I haven't listened to it yet.
AHS: Election 2016. Make America Afraid Again.
with Leslie Jordan as Hillary Clinton
What...a nightmare. Just when you thought our future couldn't get any scarier, a pneumonia outbreak changes the game and a mysterious new candidate named Ben Ghazi takes the stage. Narrated by Joe Biden, this season will feature the fear that only comes once every 4 years. Election day.
AHS: There's a Roach in My Room
with Cheyenne Jackson as The Ex-terminator
There's a cockroach in your room and the only exterminator available is literally your ex(-terminator). What do you do? Combat the roach alone? Cave and call your former flame? Burn the house to the ground? Resign to death? This season reveals the outcome of each of those options in an homage to Run Lola Run.
AHS: No Wifi
with Sarah Paulson as your Mom who doesn't get what the big deal is
In 2016 can you imagine anything scarier than not having wifi? I can't. Except MAYBE a Grease 3. On AHS: No Wifi, angry mom Joan Crawford forces her children to do all sorts of unspeakable chores every time they accidentally claim to be bored. Yard work. Dusting. Even...bed making. It's senseless torture, you're just going to mess the sheets up later that night. But Mama Crawford don't care.
AHS: Killer Rabbits
with Finn Wittrock as Little Bunny Foo Foo
There is nothing more horrifying than people dressed as rabbits. If you get your child's picture taken with the Easter bunny you're a monster. If the thought of Little Bunny Foo Foo scooping up those innocent meecy mice and boppin' 'em on the head doesn't terrify you then you are probably a well-adjusted adult with no lingering pet issues. In this season the scariest bunnies of all time reprise their roles. Foo Foo is joined by Donnie Darko's pal Frank, Kevin Hart as Snowball and the entire cast of Watership Down.
AHS: Courage the Cowardly Dog
with Matt Bomer voicing Courage
That show is probably scarier than The Shining, The Exorcist, Psycho and Stephen King's middle school diary put together. And it was shown to children! I STILL can't eat eggplants! (I mean I didn't exactly eat them before but after, not a chance.) This continuation will show the devastating effects of humans ignoring Courage's warnings for years. Katz, Cajun Fox, that alien chicken, the duckling...I'm starting to understand my aforementioned lingering pet issues.
AHS: Insane Clown Posse
with Kathy Bates as Violent J
I know that we already had a killer clown in season 4, AHS: Freak Show, but his character arc is so sympathetic and It is being remade and there are scary clown sightings in North Carolina so why not? On AHS: Insane Clown Posse the Juggalos and Juggalettes and Juggakids and Juggapets use sinister tricks to get ahead in the wrestling industry. You can't spell Insane Clown Posse without insane.
AHS: Accidentally Liking Your Ex's Old Instagram Photo
with Angela Basset as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
What could be scarier than that? And unlike moving into a haunted house, getting sent to an insane asylum, practicing witchcraft, joining the circus or becoming a vampire, this is something that could happen to any of us at any time. There are hundreds of victims every day. In this technologically terrifying season, Angela Basset's thumb is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Before she can unlike the post, Instagram crashes. In her post-double tap hysteria she gets a snapchat from her ex, but only the notification. This season follows her as she waits for the snapchat to load for an impossibly long 13 minutes.
I also wanted to let you all know that my brother released an album on iTunes yesterday (The CPD Project by Wurdship). Being the amazing older sister that I am, I am giving him a shout out even though he didn't even mention this blog in his album. At least I don't think he did...I haven't listened to it yet.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Sharknado Sequels
Sharknado 5: Jacksonado
Set in the past, during the peak of the Jackson 5's popularity, this sharknado rips through a particularly brilliant performance of I Want You Back. The Jackson brothers are sucked up and twirling in the sky with sharks as their father races to save his money, I mean sons.
Cameos: Janet Jackson, Tito Jackson, La Toya Jackson, chainsaw
Sharknado 6: Sharknado Alley
Sharknados tear through the midwest in this action-packed sequel. When FEMA is incompetent as usual, professional athletes are called in to save the day and potentially do something worthwhile to earn their nine-figure salaries. Will they come in clutch or choke?
Cameos: Jamaal Charles, Dirk Nowitzki, Russell Westbrook, chainsaw
Sharknado 7: 7 Deadly Fins
When an unexpected sharknado hits Proverbia, Illinois, the government evacuates the local psychiatric institution to give the patients a chance at survival. Reuniting with the general population for the first time in decades, the liberated patients have to battle their reputations as well as each other. And also sharks.
Cameos: Abraham Lincoln (impersonator), Barack Obama (real deal), chainsaw
Sharknado 8: That Figures
The sharknado is back and this time it's circling the same part of the Pacific Northwest in a figure 8 pattern during music festival season. As the tiger shark twisters interrupt Fest by Northwest, the bands sacrifice their amps, but never their Starbucks, in an attempt to blow these bullies out of the sky.
Cameos: Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Sir Mix-a-Lot, chainsaw
Sharknado 9: Sharks Have 9 Lives
In this continuation every shark must be impaled no fewer than 9 times to be killed when a sharknado hits Hollywood. Celebs must form squads of 9 to make it out alive and the claws will come out as they fight over mutual friends.
Cameos: Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, chainsaw
Sharknado 10: The Only 10 I See
A sharknado rips through a Tennessee beauty pageant, picking up all the hairspray, acrylic nails, fake lashes, wigs and eyeliner in its path. Spray tans will run. And so will you.
Cameos: Olivia Culpo, Donald Trump, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007*, chainsaw
*Y'all thought 2007 was a rough year for Britney? South Carolina had it way worse.
Click here to fill out a (super short) Google form telling me what you want to read about on White Girl Wednesday! Believe it or not, sometimes I run out of ideas. Or sometimes I blog about Hamilton thrice in a few months. So I want to know what YOU want. (But I cannot promise to honor it.)
Set in the past, during the peak of the Jackson 5's popularity, this sharknado rips through a particularly brilliant performance of I Want You Back. The Jackson brothers are sucked up and twirling in the sky with sharks as their father races to save his money, I mean sons.
Cameos: Janet Jackson, Tito Jackson, La Toya Jackson, chainsaw
Sharknado 6: Sharknado Alley
Sharknados tear through the midwest in this action-packed sequel. When FEMA is incompetent as usual, professional athletes are called in to save the day and potentially do something worthwhile to earn their nine-figure salaries. Will they come in clutch or choke?
Cameos: Jamaal Charles, Dirk Nowitzki, Russell Westbrook, chainsaw
Sharknado 7: 7 Deadly Fins
When an unexpected sharknado hits Proverbia, Illinois, the government evacuates the local psychiatric institution to give the patients a chance at survival. Reuniting with the general population for the first time in decades, the liberated patients have to battle their reputations as well as each other. And also sharks.
Cameos: Abraham Lincoln (impersonator), Barack Obama (real deal), chainsaw
Sharknado 8: That Figures
The sharknado is back and this time it's circling the same part of the Pacific Northwest in a figure 8 pattern during music festival season. As the tiger shark twisters interrupt Fest by Northwest, the bands sacrifice their amps, but never their Starbucks, in an attempt to blow these bullies out of the sky.
Cameos: Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Sir Mix-a-Lot, chainsaw
Sharknado 9: Sharks Have 9 Lives
In this continuation every shark must be impaled no fewer than 9 times to be killed when a sharknado hits Hollywood. Celebs must form squads of 9 to make it out alive and the claws will come out as they fight over mutual friends.
Cameos: Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, chainsaw
Sharknado 10: The Only 10 I See
A sharknado rips through a Tennessee beauty pageant, picking up all the hairspray, acrylic nails, fake lashes, wigs and eyeliner in its path. Spray tans will run. And so will you.
Cameos: Olivia Culpo, Donald Trump, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007*, chainsaw
*Y'all thought 2007 was a rough year for Britney? South Carolina had it way worse.
Click here to fill out a (super short) Google form telling me what you want to read about on White Girl Wednesday! Believe it or not, sometimes I run out of ideas. Or sometimes I blog about Hamilton thrice in a few months. So I want to know what YOU want. (But I cannot promise to honor it.)
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