Why Girls Aren't Playing Hard to Get

As I'm sure many of you are unaware, something very exciting happened this week. I'm talking rarer than my bank account balance being positive. Rarer than the Olympics. Rarer than Halley's Comet. Rarer than Joe Biden saying something intelligent. RARER THAN ME RUNNING.

Okay, that's enough suspense. I had a date. Whatevs. Nbd. I love him.

Anyways, the guy who asked me out hadn't texted me for months so I was surprised when he texted me and asked me out. When I told my Mother she said "I guess you playing hard to get worked?" I politely explained to her that I can't play hard to get because I am already particularly difficult to want.

That is when I realized that lots of people probably go around thinking that girls like playing hard to get, which is completely false. I mean I'm sure that there are some girls who think that what they are doing is playing hard to get, but from where I sit (alone), girls never actually do this.

I am especially concerned that there may be guys out there who think that the girls who don't like them and turn them down are just "playing hard to get." This is not true, we are playing leave me alone because I don't like you and I'm too nice. Learn the difference.

I also want to point out that this is completely different from when guys don't like me and turn me down because we all know those guys are gay.

So I figured it would be kind of me to spell out for my reader (and/or readers assuming people other than my Mother are reading this) all of the games girls are actually playing when you think we are playing hard to get. Below is a list and brief description of all the games girls are really playing.

Hard to Stomach
-When a girl is just repulsive. Sometimes this is intentional because a girl can tell you are trying to fight your way out of the friendzone. She will do whatever it takes to put you back in your place, even if that meets burping. In public. Other times this is completely accidental and a girl is just really ratchet. Bless her heart.

Hard to Want
-This is where I fit in. Girls "playing" hard to want are just ehhhhh in every category. Not completely disgusting but not necessarily appealing either. I like to think this is because I want someone to eventually love me for me, but lesbehonest. When it comes to feminine wiles I am sub-par at best. But my mommy says I'm beautiful.

Hard to Love
-This describes the girls who refuse to settle down with a guy. They want happiness and fun in a relationship, but the second things get serious, they bail. Girls with commitment issues often had fathers who left or other men who have disappointed them. Y'all really suck.

Hard Hitter Which You Will Find Out Soon Because I Hate You Never Speak to Me Again
-When girls are actually sick of you and you deserve it. This is often mistaken for a girl just trying not to seem too eager, but in reality, we cringe every time we see your name pop up on our phone. For whatever reason, we will NEVER be interested and really wish you would get it.

Hard to Read Because I'm Ridiculously Insecure
-I really don't know what to tell ya. My own insecurity confuses even me! The basic idea is that a girl won't show how interested she is because she doesn't want to be rejected. I would assume all girls are like this at some point and some girls are like this all the time. Just know, when a girl says something like "I look so gross in that picture!" you need to tell her she's wrong and compliment her immediately.

Hard Ball
-When a girl gets it in her head that if you don't do certain things or meet certain requirements, she won't date you. Only the cream of the crop can afford to use this approach obviously. These women are like the girlfriend in "You Belong With Me" and they make the rest of us sigh and say things like "he deserves so much better." Girls like this have also, on occasion, inspired me to sing "Let Me Love You" at the top of my lungs on the interstate.

Hard Headed
-To be fair, this is every girl. But some girls just always want what they can't have. Maybe a girl will like you and once you show a little interest she disappears. Scientists are currently working on a cure for this condition, commonly known as "having no Y chromosome." But don't hold your breath people, this all started when  Eve decided to eat that dern apple. You can lead us to a man, but you can't make us be content with him.

How Many Shoes Does A Girl Really Need?

Here's the thing. Us girls don't realize how many shoes we have have until we try to clean slash organize our closets. If a guy asked how many pairs of shoes I have I would say around 20. If a girl asked the same question I would say 30. If I actually counted the number would be closer to 50. It's a mental illness. If having an unreasonable amount of footwear is wrong, then I just don't wanna be right.

There is really a simple explanation as to why we buy so many shoes. We buy more shoes than clothes because we try on more shoes than clothes. It is very very hard (though not impossible) to look fat in shoes (trust me, I've done it). So naturally, on an off day, right after a meal, or if you are shopping with a skinny friend, trying on shoes levels the playing field. 

But the thing is, there are so many different shoe families, that you really can't just stop once you have a few pairs. Luckily guys are coming closer to understanding our obsession because they too want to have ridiculous amounts of shoes. So far this only applies to ridiculously expensive basketball shoes, but it's still a giant step for womankind.

I want to outline all of the shoe families so that girls know how many pairs of shoes is too many. There is no exact formula, because each of these families consists of countless colors, patterns, fabrics, and price ranges. Every girl should own at least one pair of shoes in each of the major families listed here (along with acceptable and unacceptable styles). But I can confidently say that 200 pairs of shoes would be excessive. Unless you're like a princess. Then you really can't live with less than a thousand.

Flip Flops
Yes-Sporty flip flops with squishy bottoms that feel like cushions for angel babies.
No-Anything uncomfortable is unacceptable when it comes to flip flops.

Flats
Yes-Metallics. Cute patterns. Velvet, silk, satin, suede.
No-Leather. Rubber (I know, but I've seen it done, unfortunately).

Crocs
Yes-The 3 wedges that are actually cute.
No-Any other crocs not used for work purposes.

Sandals
Yes-Metallics. Leather.
No-Jack Rogers, Chacos.

Wedges
Yes-Cork wedges.
No-Wooden block wedges, this is neither Holland nor Japan.

Espadrilles
Yes-2 words. Ribbon laces.
No-More than 1 pair of espadrilles with thin laces unless you're J-Lo. Which you're not.

Boots
Yes-Cowboy boots. Nuff said.
No-Open-toed boots. Ew.

Heels
Yes-ALMOST anything.
No-Any heels higher than 4 inches if you get off work before 3 a.m.

Sneakers
Yes-Nikes, Reebok, Puma, New Balance, Adidas.
No-Anything in denim or over $100 if you don't need them for a sports.Also, those toe shoes. Ew.

Ultimate Girl Heroes: Television Edition

I just wanna put this out there...I watch a lot of TV. One day I can be talking about how dumb I think some show is, but if I accidentally watch it for 10 minutes, I will be hooked. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I have learned a lot from TV over the years. For instance, I learned that even little girls can be superheroes, sometimes our best friends are our soul mates, surgeons all date each other, and most importantly, if your last name is Kardashian, you can do pretty much whatever you want.

Does anyone else hate when some snob says "Oh I don't watch television" in the most obnoxious tone as if they have evolved past entertainment? Personally, I wanna punch them. So today I am publishing my list of ultimate girl heroes from some of my favorite television shows. Although I'm not exactly sure if this fully proves that TV isn't rotting my brain, at the very least it proves that I can spell and use a computer.

Sam-Totally Spies
Your long, red hair don't care. You are the smartest and most responsible of your girlfriends and teach them a lot. You kick serious butt as the girl-next-door type slash techie. And you totally rock that green pleather catsuit. Also, your lipstick is a laser. Wow.

Cristina Yang, M.D.-Grey's Anatomy
Now some would argue that Meredith Grey is really the main character of Grey's Anatomy, but I beg to differ. If you also prefer Cristina, you tend to see the gloomy side of things and have serious commitment issues. But other than that you are a hardcore go-getter. You understand that feelings are one of those luxuries that outstanding surgeons just can't afford.

Phoebe Buffay-Friends
You're almost as kooky as your alter ego, Regina Phalange. You understand how devastating it is when your ex-husband turns out to be straight. Your selflessness led you to carry your brother's triplets. You mugged Ross! You seriously rock.

Olivia Benson-Law and Order:SVU
Your dad wasn't around and your mom was an alcoholic, but you save kids from worse things everyday. You live by the motto "a little police brutality never hurt anyone" and I couldn't agree more. But your relationship with your best guy friend is seriously hindering your husband prospects.

Robin Scherbatsky-How I Met Your Mother
So you're Canadian eh? You have grown from your unfortunate upbringing in the frozenland and become the lead anchor of a news station even your best friends haven't heard of. But we can't all be winners. Your next career opportunity may be on a TLC special, Animal Hoarders: 5 Dogs, 1 Tiny Apartment.

Amy Farrah Fowler-Big Bang Theory
You're neurotic and happy being the beta. You are one half of the weirdest, most socially uncomfortable couple in history. You're a big fan of layering and have a slight lesbian crush on your bestie. Your idea of the perfect pet is a chain smoking monkey.

Jess Day-New Girl
You're unlucky in love but at least you have your guy friends, right? You are probably the most awkward person in your area code because you like to march to the beat of your own air guitar. But hey, conforming killed the cat. Btw, just marry Nick already!

Perks of Dating Me (aka sandwiches)

Like most girls my age, I am obsessed with Pretty Little Liars. My girlfriends and I watch it together every Tuesday after dinner, during which we all talk about our jobs. We have the most cliche jobs possible for high school/college age kids. We have a waitress, a lifeguard, a nanny, 2 of my friends work at a golf course, another friend works at a lake, and I'm a summer camp counselor.

This week's post was inspired by one of my kids at camp. She asked me how I was still single. I explained to her that I ask myself that question every single day and I will be happy to let her know once I have an answer. Another one of my girls suggested that the best way for me to get a boyfriend would be to knock a guy over the head with a shovel and if he gets amnesia, tell him I've been his girlfriend for years. Later that same day, one of my boys asked me if it hurt. I chuckled and said "did what hurt?" like I had no idea what was coming next. He said "when you fell from Heaven" and before I could say "awwww!" he added "because your face looks really messed up from the fall." Kids say the darndest things.

When I shared that story with my friends, one of my lovelies so kindly pointed out that I'm not forever alone, I'm just forever available. That made me feel better for all of 2 seconds.

Despite those kids, my friends, and everyone else I know, I think there are actually several reasons that males should at least consider dating me. I decided that it is probably a great idea to compile a list of such reasons if I ever want to be able to trick a guy into marrying me. While reading this list please note that I excel at self-depreciating humor. So I present...

Reasons Why I'm Not So Bad
I have no problem making my guy a sandwich. Every day.
Additionally, I bake, cook, AND wash the dishes afterwards.
No other guy will ever try to steal me from you. I promise.
I have a job, so 1) I'm not a gold digger and 2) I'm busy 10 hours a day so you don't even have to talk to me that much.
I could watch NBA all day.
I can talk sports.
I wear yoga pants. A lot.
I'd love to be a barefoot and pregnant housewife.
If you turn off the lights and close your eyes I look a little like Julia Roberts.
The only guy you will ever have to compete with is Uncle Sam.
I like the kitchen just fine.
Women's Rights? What's that?
I'm perfectly content stalking you from afar.
I would never run away. Mainly because I would never run.
I am a great planner. In fact, I already have our wedding planned.

AMERICA. Love it or leave it.

In a continued effort to not be more obnoxious than I already am, I operate under the safe assumption that the only people reading this blog are my closest friends and family. And I personally have to go to great lengths to ensure than even they give it a glance. But this week, at the risk of coming across as the arrogant, Carrie Bradshaw-complexed, journalist wannabe that I am, I need to explain something about myself just in case there are readers who do not know me personally.

I LOVE AMERICA.

And I don't mean that I have a reasonable level of respect for the greatest country on Earth.

I mean that if this country were a celebrity, I would be its crazy stalker. I mean that red, white and blue is my favorite color. I mean that I have 3 holes in my ears so that I can wear red, white and blue earrings. I mean that I dye my dog red, white and blue for the 4th of July. I mean that I am planning to get married on the 4th of July. I mean that I live tweet the Olympics. I mean that I cannot think of any situations where it would be wrong to start a USA chant. Like I said, I LOVE AMERICA.

Therefore, in honor of my favorite holiday, this week's post is a list of all the reasons that America is the best country in the world, just in case anyone needed convincing.
(PS-If you needed convincing, get out!)

I also want to give a special shout out to my friend Josh. A true American hero.

We're back to back world war champions.
We're not France.
Everyone wants to be us.
We put those snobby Brits in their place. Twice.
We have Beyonce.
World, we give you........Duck Dynasty.
We have Disney World. 
We're not Canada.
Don McLean. American Pie. Check it out.
We're not afraid to tell you how awesome we are.
We're the official sponsor of liberty and justice for all.
Seal Team Six y'all!
We kick everyone's butt in the Olympics.
Krispy Kreme, Cookout, Pepsi & the gift of flight. All from the same/best U.S. state, North Carolina.
We run things (hence other countries learning English, or as I like to call it, American).
Home of no shoes, no shirt, no problem.
We brought you the internet. (Not to mention Google and Wikipedia, but that'd be bragging.)
We invented baseball, and more importantly, baseball pants.
George Strait. You're welcome.
Religious freedom, who's heard of it?
We mass produce happiness, opportunity, and insane amounts of calories.
Finally, we pretty much coined the modern definition of the term FREEDOM.

So have a great 4th of July tomorrow, stay safe, and thank a veteran.
God bless.