If you live in one of the countries that celebrate Thanksgiving, which you should because America is one such country, you are probably more than ready for tomorrow (unless of course you are a female between the ages of 16 and 86, because then you are required by national law to cook something).
Thanksgiving is often forgotten between the madness of Halloween and the magic of Christmas. I too am guilty of forgetting that November exists as anything other than a roadblock to Christmas break. But then every year someone around you goes on a shpeil about how materialistic our society is and how the pilgrims would be ashamed of us.
Well you know what? I'm a little ashamed of them too, have y'all seen The Crucible? Those pilgrims weren't all smiles and sharing and my buckle, your buckle. They turned on each other in a hot second as soon as witchcraft got involved. So forget what the pilgrims say and just remember, for everything that you get this week, make sure to give something in return.
Getting Giving
Asked countless personal questions ... Answers that are equal parts sassy and sarcastic.
To share a bathroom with brothers ... Them all deodorant for Christmas.
Up extra early for Black Friday ... Everyone lotion for Christmas because of a deal.
A million new recipes from everyone ... Them to your mom, because really?
So full you can't move for 2 football games ... Away leftovers because you can't look at turkey.
To take 3 naps in one day ... Yourself serious bedhead.
So annoyed at Tom Brady and his fans ... Multiple high fives when the Panthers score.
Out all the Christmas decorations ... Everyone an earful of your fave Christmas tunes.
Sick of everyone asking for your list ... Them 6 pages anyways cause you want it all.
Tired of so much family time ... Huge goodbye hugs because you still love them!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Instagram For Dummies
I've already done one post about appropriate Instagram etiquitte, but I feel that it is necessary that I add a part duex. This is partially because Instagram is my favorite social media site, so I want to keep it sacred. I don't have a Facebook and Twitter stalking can only go so far. A person's Instagram can reveal a lot of information about them. Mainly, if someone is doing any of the things on this list, you don't wanna be friends with them.
Keep in mind, these are just the things that annoy ME personally on Instagram. I still follow people who do one or all of the following. I'm sure there are at least 50 people out there right now thinking "Rachel is so annoying on Instagram, she likes all my pictures, she uses too many pic stitches, she Instagrams too many crafts." And that's fine because as my hero, Carrie Bradshaw, once said - the only critique that really matters is the one you give yourself. And I give myself an F for Fabulous!
Private Instagrams
I think I speak for everyone when I say, ain't nobody got time fo dat. You might think you have a good reason for having a private Instagram. I don't want my ex to have access to it, I like to control who sees photos of my cats, I have a stalker, I'm in the witness protection program, I work for the CIA. Yawwwwwwwn. The thing about private Instagrams is I know when you let me follow you and don't follow me back. I know you've seen my profile and made the conscious decision to not follow me back. So I'm obviously gonna look through all your posts and then unfollow you. Cause really.
Instagramming Tweets
If I cared what you were tweeting, I would follow you on Twitter. And if I do follow you on Twitter, I've already seen it. Screenshot is one of the greatest gifts people of the twenty-first century have been given, so use it wisely folks. Don't waste it on taking pictures of your own tweets to then share on Instagram. With great power, comes great responsibility.
Instagramming Notes of General Questions
Again, this is another case of someone not using their screenshots wisely. If you have some random question you want answered, Twitter or Facebook is fine. Hey, as long as it doesn't include me, start a group message, I don't care. But when you type out a note on your phone that says something like "Anyone have a Snuggie I can borrow?" you cross 2 lines. Line 1 - don't ask this over Instagram. Line 2 - get your own Snuggie. Also...how do you people get likes on those posts? Cause who really likes that? #Baffled
Following Back
This is of course a matter of personal taste, some people refuse to follow anyone back, some people will follow anyone. It's a delicate balance. I just want it known that if you do not follow me back, I am going to unfollow you. If you unfollow me and I realize it, I am going to unfollow you. You won't know when it's coming, but it will come. Obviously you aren't obligated to follow strangers but I think we've all had that awkward conversation at the supper table when you ask your mom why she didn't follow you back. My general rule is if I see you in person and don't immediately turn and start walking in the opposite direction, I will follow you back.
Hashtags
#Oh #My #Gosh Why is this so hard for some people? Among my least favorite are #followforfollow #likesforlikes #FoodPorn and #nom. I also hate when people proceed to hashtag literally every word they just said in their caption. Also, #ThrowBackThursday is often misused. You can't have a throwback to something from last week. My words to live by are 364 days, does not a throwback make, wait a year for a throwback to reappear.
Consistency
As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to social media consistency is key. Nowhere is this more apparent than on Instagram. Consistency doesn't mean posting everyday, but you should at least check Instagram regularly. We've all been there, you make a new friend, go to follow them on Insta and you see they have about 5 posts and the last one was from 10 weeks ago. Now you don't know what do to. You don't want to follow them and sit there for months waiting for them to open their app. Your followers deserve better.
Food
I really really hate seeing people Instagram their every meal. If I were to Instagram everything I ate, I would be placed in Instagram jail for posting too much in 24 hours and my profile would look like the official Instagram of Wendy's. There are some times it is okay to Instagram food. If you made whatever meal/dessert/snack yourself, it is okay to share said creation. If your friends made you a birthday cake or you spot some really cute holiday-themed food. Other than that, if I wanna see pics of grilled trout I will go to foodnetwork.com, not Instagram.
Pets
Perfectly ok to Instagram pictures of your adorable animals. Not ok if when looking at your profile I can't tell that it actually belongs to a human. That being said, there are a few species that require round-the-clock Instagram exposure: pomskies, otters, miniature animals, hedgehogs. So if you own one of those feel free to continuously upload pics and send them to me directly via email if you so wish.
Multiple #MCMs or #WCWs
They're like shopping sprees people, you only get one a week! If John Stamos is your man candy (as he should be) then he is your man candy! Don't make him share the spotlight with 3 other guys. And come Wednesday when Ariana Grande is your woman crush, don't also upload pics of Jennifer Lawrence and Christina Hendricks. I can only take in so much physical perfection at a time.
Keep in mind, these are just the things that annoy ME personally on Instagram. I still follow people who do one or all of the following. I'm sure there are at least 50 people out there right now thinking "Rachel is so annoying on Instagram, she likes all my pictures, she uses too many pic stitches, she Instagrams too many crafts." And that's fine because as my hero, Carrie Bradshaw, once said - the only critique that really matters is the one you give yourself. And I give myself an F for Fabulous!
Private Instagrams
I think I speak for everyone when I say, ain't nobody got time fo dat. You might think you have a good reason for having a private Instagram. I don't want my ex to have access to it, I like to control who sees photos of my cats, I have a stalker, I'm in the witness protection program, I work for the CIA. Yawwwwwwwn. The thing about private Instagrams is I know when you let me follow you and don't follow me back. I know you've seen my profile and made the conscious decision to not follow me back. So I'm obviously gonna look through all your posts and then unfollow you. Cause really.
Instagramming Tweets
If I cared what you were tweeting, I would follow you on Twitter. And if I do follow you on Twitter, I've already seen it. Screenshot is one of the greatest gifts people of the twenty-first century have been given, so use it wisely folks. Don't waste it on taking pictures of your own tweets to then share on Instagram. With great power, comes great responsibility.
Instagramming Notes of General Questions
Again, this is another case of someone not using their screenshots wisely. If you have some random question you want answered, Twitter or Facebook is fine. Hey, as long as it doesn't include me, start a group message, I don't care. But when you type out a note on your phone that says something like "Anyone have a Snuggie I can borrow?" you cross 2 lines. Line 1 - don't ask this over Instagram. Line 2 - get your own Snuggie. Also...how do you people get likes on those posts? Cause who really likes that? #Baffled
Following Back
This is of course a matter of personal taste, some people refuse to follow anyone back, some people will follow anyone. It's a delicate balance. I just want it known that if you do not follow me back, I am going to unfollow you. If you unfollow me and I realize it, I am going to unfollow you. You won't know when it's coming, but it will come. Obviously you aren't obligated to follow strangers but I think we've all had that awkward conversation at the supper table when you ask your mom why she didn't follow you back. My general rule is if I see you in person and don't immediately turn and start walking in the opposite direction, I will follow you back.
Hashtags
#Oh #My #Gosh Why is this so hard for some people? Among my least favorite are #followforfollow #likesforlikes #FoodPorn and #nom. I also hate when people proceed to hashtag literally every word they just said in their caption. Also, #ThrowBackThursday is often misused. You can't have a throwback to something from last week. My words to live by are 364 days, does not a throwback make, wait a year for a throwback to reappear.
Consistency
As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to social media consistency is key. Nowhere is this more apparent than on Instagram. Consistency doesn't mean posting everyday, but you should at least check Instagram regularly. We've all been there, you make a new friend, go to follow them on Insta and you see they have about 5 posts and the last one was from 10 weeks ago. Now you don't know what do to. You don't want to follow them and sit there for months waiting for them to open their app. Your followers deserve better.
Food
I really really hate seeing people Instagram their every meal. If I were to Instagram everything I ate, I would be placed in Instagram jail for posting too much in 24 hours and my profile would look like the official Instagram of Wendy's. There are some times it is okay to Instagram food. If you made whatever meal/dessert/snack yourself, it is okay to share said creation. If your friends made you a birthday cake or you spot some really cute holiday-themed food. Other than that, if I wanna see pics of grilled trout I will go to foodnetwork.com, not Instagram.
Pets
Perfectly ok to Instagram pictures of your adorable animals. Not ok if when looking at your profile I can't tell that it actually belongs to a human. That being said, there are a few species that require round-the-clock Instagram exposure: pomskies, otters, miniature animals, hedgehogs. So if you own one of those feel free to continuously upload pics and send them to me directly via email if you so wish.
Multiple #MCMs or #WCWs
They're like shopping sprees people, you only get one a week! If John Stamos is your man candy (as he should be) then he is your man candy! Don't make him share the spotlight with 3 other guys. And come Wednesday when Ariana Grande is your woman crush, don't also upload pics of Jennifer Lawrence and Christina Hendricks. I can only take in so much physical perfection at a time.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Christmas Season Waits for No One
There are many who say that Christmas season can't really start until December, or the first snow, or after Labor Day or other arbitrary deadlines. Those people are on my naughty list. I used to save the Christmas music for the day after Thanksgiving, but then the Glee Christmas album came out. Nowadays, I officially welcome the Christmas season on November 1st but I've been known to belt a line or 2 of God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman and wear Christmas socks as early as mid-September. Basically, as soon as I decide it's not summer anymore, it needs to be Christmas.
Celebrating the Christmas season early lets me spend the day after Thanksgiving, which used to be reserved for spreading Christmas cheer, in other ways. Such as Black Friday, the fourth most magical day of the year behind the 4th of July, Christmas, and my birthday. I am a recent convert to Black Friday (or African American Friday, depending on who you're talking to). My mother used to not be a big shopper...that probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was a teenager then and to be fair I was completely miserable to shop with. I wanted all the things. Not much has changed, but now I have my own money. Of course I am still not a very fun shopping partner. Most of the time I just follow whoever I'm with around, which drives my mother crazy. But people continue to invite me to go shopping with them because I'm good at math. (Which exemplifies the life lesson everyone has to learn at some point, there comes a time when you will have to start tricking people into being your friends. But we will discuss that another day.)
I have found many a killer deal on Black Fridays. A few Black Fridays ago I bought the entire Sex and the City series on DVD for $8 each. In the past I've found some of my favorite movies for $2, sweaters for $4 and tank tops for $1, the list goes on an on (and so do the receipts). And let's not forget last year, when I met the love of my life. My iPhone.
So if you want to experience the full wonder of Black Friday like me, you need to start ringing in the yuletide a little early this year. Some things are a must to make it apparent to all of your friends and mainly your roommates that you have decided it is Christmas season...and there's no going back. So don't fight it, just enjoy. First, you have to start playing Christmas music. Then watch Elf, The Grinch and Home Alone once a week. If they groan, or ask you to turn it off, just cross them off your list of people to buy for.
Which brings me to another point...I love the commercialization of Christmas just as much as anyone else, but it is important to remember the reason behind the holiday. God gave humanity the greatest gift ever given when He sent His son to die for us. No matter who you are or what you've done, God loves you more than you can comprehend. When I was younger I thought Christmas was the worldwide celebration of my cousin Brittany's birthday since she was born on December 25th and was obviously (and obnoxiously, if you ask me) everyone's favorite. (It was a very complicated pregnancy, which led to my family's remix of Mary Did You Know? "Julia did you know? That your baby girl, would try to take your life? Julia did you know? That you would throw up, over 200 times?") But I digress. My point here is that if you are adamant about refusing to believe in my Lord and Savior, should I be expected to get you an expensive gift celebrating His birth? I think not. Of course, I love giving presents so much that I will inevitably get you a gift anyways I just want it known that I do this out of the goodness of my heart (where the Jesus you mock lives, none the less) and not out of respect for cultural norms that reward your disbelief.
Oddly enough, I still end up getting Christmas gifts for approximately millions of people. My mother has been telling me for years that I need to stop wasting my money on presents for people who don't care about me. I can't help that I'm a giver. I will admit, if there was an Over Givers Anonymous group I would have to join. I always go over budget on Christmas presents. I use the terms "best friend" "love" and "more than life itself" way too frequently, but in the words of a great philosopher, Taylor Swift, "all you need to do to be my friend is like me" but even that doesn't cover it because there are people who I consider my friends who I'm pretty sure hate me.
Bottom line. If being too full of Christmas spirit is naughty, I don't wanna be nice.
Celebrating the Christmas season early lets me spend the day after Thanksgiving, which used to be reserved for spreading Christmas cheer, in other ways. Such as Black Friday, the fourth most magical day of the year behind the 4th of July, Christmas, and my birthday. I am a recent convert to Black Friday (or African American Friday, depending on who you're talking to). My mother used to not be a big shopper...that probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was a teenager then and to be fair I was completely miserable to shop with. I wanted all the things. Not much has changed, but now I have my own money. Of course I am still not a very fun shopping partner. Most of the time I just follow whoever I'm with around, which drives my mother crazy. But people continue to invite me to go shopping with them because I'm good at math. (Which exemplifies the life lesson everyone has to learn at some point, there comes a time when you will have to start tricking people into being your friends. But we will discuss that another day.)
I have found many a killer deal on Black Fridays. A few Black Fridays ago I bought the entire Sex and the City series on DVD for $8 each. In the past I've found some of my favorite movies for $2, sweaters for $4 and tank tops for $1, the list goes on an on (and so do the receipts). And let's not forget last year, when I met the love of my life. My iPhone.
So if you want to experience the full wonder of Black Friday like me, you need to start ringing in the yuletide a little early this year. Some things are a must to make it apparent to all of your friends and mainly your roommates that you have decided it is Christmas season...and there's no going back. So don't fight it, just enjoy. First, you have to start playing Christmas music. Then watch Elf, The Grinch and Home Alone once a week. If they groan, or ask you to turn it off, just cross them off your list of people to buy for.
Which brings me to another point...I love the commercialization of Christmas just as much as anyone else, but it is important to remember the reason behind the holiday. God gave humanity the greatest gift ever given when He sent His son to die for us. No matter who you are or what you've done, God loves you more than you can comprehend. When I was younger I thought Christmas was the worldwide celebration of my cousin Brittany's birthday since she was born on December 25th and was obviously (and obnoxiously, if you ask me) everyone's favorite. (It was a very complicated pregnancy, which led to my family's remix of Mary Did You Know? "Julia did you know? That your baby girl, would try to take your life? Julia did you know? That you would throw up, over 200 times?") But I digress. My point here is that if you are adamant about refusing to believe in my Lord and Savior, should I be expected to get you an expensive gift celebrating His birth? I think not. Of course, I love giving presents so much that I will inevitably get you a gift anyways I just want it known that I do this out of the goodness of my heart (where the Jesus you mock lives, none the less) and not out of respect for cultural norms that reward your disbelief.
Oddly enough, I still end up getting Christmas gifts for approximately millions of people. My mother has been telling me for years that I need to stop wasting my money on presents for people who don't care about me. I can't help that I'm a giver. I will admit, if there was an Over Givers Anonymous group I would have to join. I always go over budget on Christmas presents. I use the terms "best friend" "love" and "more than life itself" way too frequently, but in the words of a great philosopher, Taylor Swift, "all you need to do to be my friend is like me" but even that doesn't cover it because there are people who I consider my friends who I'm pretty sure hate me.
Bottom line. If being too full of Christmas spirit is naughty, I don't wanna be nice.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Filtered: Coming Soon to a Bookstore Nowhere Near You
Happy Hunger Games! It's officially November and that means we are mere weeks away from the midnight premiere of Catching Fire and I'm so excited I could die. But I won't. I don't know what inspired this new trend of futuristic/dystopian fiction, but I love it. I read Divergent in 2 days and when I finished it I felt like I had nothing left to live for. (If you don't lose your will to live after the last page, was it really a good book?) Anyways, I love this new genre so much that I am in the process of writing my own called Filtered, and I of course had to give a sneak peak on White Girl Wednesday.
Before the preview, I want to explain the concept behind this soon to be New York Times Best Seller. Filtered is a satirical parody of how obsessed people are with social media these days. You have your Twitter addicts, the Tumblrs, the Facebook stalkers. And then there are the Instafamous. I know some people on Instagram who could upload a picture of them vomiting and get 100 likes in 5 minutes. Me, I could Instagram a picture of me on my wedding day (jokes) and get maybe 3 likes (if I can convince my brothers to get Instagrams). I could call my house phone every hour on the hour and my family would screen my calls because they would rather text but I post a picture with a cute guy and next thing you know my mother remembers she has a daughter. Filtered's intention is to show how giving this much technology and access to the internet to children is probably the worst thing to happen to parenting since Ritalin.
Filtered. Introduction.
In the fictional country of Sociamedia, people are split into social classes based on their Instagram filter of choice.These classes lead to a semi-hierarchy. At the age you get your first iPhone, you are given one month to decide the filter that will define your life. There are 20 different filters to choose from, but there always a few who choose to live their lives unfiltered. (Dun dun dun! Yes, I am already working on a screen play for the film that is sure to come. Steven Spielberg, if you are reading this, I want Morgan Freeman to narrate. Obviously.)
The classes form alliances based on similarities. The slightly filtered classes work well together, those include Hudsons, Nashvilles, Waldens and Earlybirds. This bunch gets along best with the No Filters. The light filters of Amaros, Rises, Valencias and Sierra group together in opposition to the dark filters of X-Pro IIs, Lo-Fis, Sutros, Brannans and Hefes. The sepia-style filters, Mayfairs, Toasters, 1977s and Kelvins (although let's be real, who really uses Kelvin?) don't get along with the Black and White Filters, Willows and Inkwells.
There are ongoing battles between the Sepias and the B&Ws. There are ongoing battles between the Lights and the Darks. And the Slights and the No Filters struggle to survive the constant turbulence.
In the small town of Hashtag, located on the eastern coast of Sociamedia, Asher and Story are quickly approaching their 8th birthday. Both of their parents have promised them iPhones on their shared birthday of July 7th. (Because parents these days think it is normal to give toddlers hundreds of dollars worth of technology as a present for learning how to walk. Before we know it babies will be uploading their own pics #myfirsttooth #instavid #rolledover #firstword #likesfornotcrying.) The children in Sociamedia text before they can talk, the spoken language is slowly dying out.
Asher and Story have been best friends for as long as they remember. Their parents are all Lights and all best friends. Story can't imagine her world changing, she loves everything about being a Light. And as long as she and Asher both remain Lights, the world is theirs. Asher and Story make a pact that no matter what happens in their Processing Period, they will both choose to remain Lights.
But everything changes at the Uploading Ceremony, where Story realizes she would rather continue life as a Slight. Can one letter really change her life all that much? Little does she know Asher has also changed his fate and decided to switch to the No Filters.
Asher and Story are now a part of the Slight and No Filter Alliance. The SNA is an underground group that has been slowly working on a way to remove the class hierarchy in Sociamedia for decades. Asher and Story both produce promising work in the SNA over their adolescent years, with many small victories along the way. But when they both turn 20, they learn that they can't legally marry since they are not of the same Filter class. They both decide that the SNA's plan will take too long, too many lives will be paused, unable to upload in the process. Instead of sitting there to buffer, the couple take matters into their own hands.
But is true love worth giving up their Instagram profiles? Is life off the social media grid freeing and independent or lonely and isolated?
Only time will tell.
Before the preview, I want to explain the concept behind this soon to be New York Times Best Seller. Filtered is a satirical parody of how obsessed people are with social media these days. You have your Twitter addicts, the Tumblrs, the Facebook stalkers. And then there are the Instafamous. I know some people on Instagram who could upload a picture of them vomiting and get 100 likes in 5 minutes. Me, I could Instagram a picture of me on my wedding day (jokes) and get maybe 3 likes (if I can convince my brothers to get Instagrams). I could call my house phone every hour on the hour and my family would screen my calls because they would rather text but I post a picture with a cute guy and next thing you know my mother remembers she has a daughter. Filtered's intention is to show how giving this much technology and access to the internet to children is probably the worst thing to happen to parenting since Ritalin.
Filtered. Introduction.
In the fictional country of Sociamedia, people are split into social classes based on their Instagram filter of choice.These classes lead to a semi-hierarchy. At the age you get your first iPhone, you are given one month to decide the filter that will define your life. There are 20 different filters to choose from, but there always a few who choose to live their lives unfiltered. (Dun dun dun! Yes, I am already working on a screen play for the film that is sure to come. Steven Spielberg, if you are reading this, I want Morgan Freeman to narrate. Obviously.)
The classes form alliances based on similarities. The slightly filtered classes work well together, those include Hudsons, Nashvilles, Waldens and Earlybirds. This bunch gets along best with the No Filters. The light filters of Amaros, Rises, Valencias and Sierra group together in opposition to the dark filters of X-Pro IIs, Lo-Fis, Sutros, Brannans and Hefes. The sepia-style filters, Mayfairs, Toasters, 1977s and Kelvins (although let's be real, who really uses Kelvin?) don't get along with the Black and White Filters, Willows and Inkwells.
There are ongoing battles between the Sepias and the B&Ws. There are ongoing battles between the Lights and the Darks. And the Slights and the No Filters struggle to survive the constant turbulence.
In the small town of Hashtag, located on the eastern coast of Sociamedia, Asher and Story are quickly approaching their 8th birthday. Both of their parents have promised them iPhones on their shared birthday of July 7th. (Because parents these days think it is normal to give toddlers hundreds of dollars worth of technology as a present for learning how to walk. Before we know it babies will be uploading their own pics #myfirsttooth #instavid #rolledover #firstword #likesfornotcrying.) The children in Sociamedia text before they can talk, the spoken language is slowly dying out.
Asher and Story have been best friends for as long as they remember. Their parents are all Lights and all best friends. Story can't imagine her world changing, she loves everything about being a Light. And as long as she and Asher both remain Lights, the world is theirs. Asher and Story make a pact that no matter what happens in their Processing Period, they will both choose to remain Lights.
But everything changes at the Uploading Ceremony, where Story realizes she would rather continue life as a Slight. Can one letter really change her life all that much? Little does she know Asher has also changed his fate and decided to switch to the No Filters.
Asher and Story are now a part of the Slight and No Filter Alliance. The SNA is an underground group that has been slowly working on a way to remove the class hierarchy in Sociamedia for decades. Asher and Story both produce promising work in the SNA over their adolescent years, with many small victories along the way. But when they both turn 20, they learn that they can't legally marry since they are not of the same Filter class. They both decide that the SNA's plan will take too long, too many lives will be paused, unable to upload in the process. Instead of sitting there to buffer, the couple take matters into their own hands.
But is true love worth giving up their Instagram profiles? Is life off the social media grid freeing and independent or lonely and isolated?
Only time will tell.
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