Holy Guacamole

I have been making a lot of guacamole lately as part of a months long experiment to test various methods of keeping guacamole fresh. My plan was for this to be over in a couple of weeks but every time I made guacamole I kept eating it all in one go, which made it impossible to determine if it was staying fresh over time since it lasted about 15 minutes.

I was continuing the experiment on Friday because the avocados I had purchased were wayyyyy ripe.

Have you guys heard of Avocado's Law? It states that if you are attempting to purchase avocados to use in the immediate future, all the avocados at the store will look like this.


However, if you need to buy avocados now to use in the future, every avocado available for purchase will be sporting this lovely shade of black plague.


So my avocados looked like the latter picture and had I waited any longer to use them I would have been forced to resort to avocado bread, which I doubt is as good as banana bread.

What I did not account for was that overripe avocados, like all other overripe fruit, is super mushy. So as I slung my knife into the pit, thankful I hadn't wasted 10 dollars on one of those unnecessary avocado tools, everything was good. But when I muscled up to twist that bad boy out, the knife tore through the weakened avocado flesh and into my thumb. Sometimes I don't know my own strength.

Of course my first thought was...did any blood get on the avocado? The answer, thankfully, was no.


My second thought was I really cannot afford stitches. Which was confirmed with a quick Google. That 10 dollar avocado tool wasn't looking so dumb now.


Before you all worry (Pam) it bled for about 45 minutes as I finished preparing my guacamole. Avocados are expensive. I wasn't about to watch 4 dollars go down the drain because of a flesh wound. And I don't mean down the literal drain because been there, done that. Garbage disposals and stone fruits DO NOT mix. And I kept my concern Snapchat followers aware of my progress.


My mom made some super helpful suggestions like "use some krazy glue" and "how about liquid bandaid?" and other nonsense. I decided to go with the liquid bandaid because I figured it couldn't possibly be as bad as I remembered it. I was wrong.


I lived a life with one thumb for days until I decided that re-immersion therapy was the best method. But I had 2 problems. A) I was still down 1 thumb and B) my avocados were not yet ripe because they refuse to cooperate with me. 

I do dream of a world where the guac is so fresh it's made 5 minutes in the future, but this is not what I had in mind. I need a smooth spread and an unripe avocado requires some serious arm muscles to mash down. If you saw my attempt at ziplining this weekend then you know that I lack the upper body strength needed to turn an unripe avocado into anything more than avocado chunks. 

Once again, Google and Wikipedia united to save my life. I managed to use some plastic wrap and a microwave to speed ripen my avos like a mad scientist.


I was so proud of myself for figuring out how to speed ripen those stubborn green devils. I was basking in the glow of a job well done when Ting pointed out the huge avocado recall due to listeria.

I quickly Googled what would happen to me if I got listeria and it seems to only be an issue if you're pregnant. Which I am not. And if I was pregnant I would have so much more to worry about than listeria.

I normally ignore produce recalls because I normally ignore produce. So I had no idea if my area was even affected. Headlines showed me that only 6 states were part of the recall but of course, NC made the cut.


Then I spent like 20 minutes thinking "what a cool coincidence! This guy happens to be named Henry Avocado and then he starts an avocado growing company." before I realized that Henry Avocado is probably the name of the corporation, not a person.

After I helped myself to most of the guacamole, put away most of my laundry and did most of my self-appointed craft homework, I went to bed early. I was so excited to be horizontal get a good night's sleep.

That feeling lasted all of 4 hours because I woke up at 2 AM with the worst acid reflux in my entire life. And I spent hours trying to think of what I had done to deserve that. Citrus gives me terrible acid reflux so I avoid it after lunch. All I had for dinner was guacamole. I finally deduced that it must have been the tomato in my guac. When I was telling Ting this story so I could accept her pity, she pointed out that the more likely culprit was the lime in my guacamole. As in the literal citrus fruit.

So when life gives you limes, make a mojito and give yourself at least a solid 8 hours to digest it.

(Stephanie) March Madness

It's finally my favorite season. Not spring, basketball season. I've lived in North Carolina all my life so of course I love basketball and being part of the best men's college basketball conference known to man and Doris Burke. The Dook/UNC rivalry is the greatest in all of sports and if you think that the Aunt Becky admissions scandal was bad, you should check out the standards (or lack thereof) for SEC athletes.

As much as I love basketball (and Manu Ginobili and Kevin Love and Shane Battier and Chris Andersen and Pau Gasol) I A) understand that some people don't care for it and B) love putting any and everything into a bracket system.

I think it's because I'm a mathematical thinker so I love ranking things. I am constantly asking my family members who their favorite is and I get some pretty rude answers.

Last year I made a Real Housewives bracket that was a ton of fun, but this year I wanted to broaden my appeal. So I bracketed something we can all get behind. Law & Order: SVU guest stars!

First we have the OSC, Old School Conference, seasons 1 - 5. A young Abigail Breslin is the rightful 1 seed but TV heroes John Ritter, Henry Winkler and Denis O'Hare give her a run for her money. In the end it's Marlee Matlin, a doctor who specializes in black market kidneys and Detective John Munch, who makes it to the final four.

Here come the Heavy Hitters, some big names appeared in seasons 6 - 10. Our beloved number 1 seed Marcia Gay Harden as Agent Dana Lewis makes it to the end but she gets some challenges from school girl Hayden Panettiere, multiple personalitied Cynthia Nixon and Casey Anthony parallel/anti-vax victim Hilary Duff.

Moving on to Prime Time, seasons 11 - 15 featured Questlove fulfilling his lifelong guest star dream by playing a corpse, T.R. Knight as good twin/evil twin and Kathy Griffin as...well Kathy Griffin if she were an activist instead of a comedienne. Number 1 Rose McGowan's incestuous con artist is upset by Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose emotional portrayal of a repeat rape victim started a dialogue about statutes of limitations.

Rounding out our tournament are the Latest and Greatest, the most recent seasons that put some big names on our small screens. Patti Lupone, Brooke Shields, Whoopi Goldberg and Leslie Odom, Jr. all had impressive turns on the show but in the end, 1 seed Joe Biden conquers all. The former vice president joined our beloved Olivia as himself, speaking out against the serious issue of rape kit backlogs.

In the big dance, it's just Marcia Gay Harden and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Who will win? The FBI agent or the embattled victim?

In the end there could always only be one. Marcia Gay Harden! CUT! THE! NET! We stan an undercover queen. Dana Lewis first graced our screens as she infiltrated a white supremacist group. So she's an actress...playing a character...who is ACTING. It's levels to this. Next, she gets Olivia to go undercover to stop some eco-terrorists who also dabble in chemical terrorism. THEN she reluctantly comes to Olivia for help after being raped as revenge for one of the neo-nazis.

And I'm not going to speak on what the writers did to her in season 14 because as far as I am concerned that is not canon fight me.

Here's the full, impossible to read at this size, bracket.

This post is officially sponsored by Munch and Fin, cat brothers named after the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies.

Saint Pat's Day

Some of you may know my grandpa. He is probably the best human I know. Between Colby and Patrick, he puts up with a lot so he's lucky he has me.

He makes the best cookies, scratches my back, always has Reese's and ice cream, he keeps up with the Kardashians...his only downfall is that he won't talk crap about people with me. He's one of those "I don't hate anybody" types which is super annoying because other than that he's perfect.

But a few weeks ago he really outdid himself. It all started weeks ago when I hit a deer. You may remember that. My appointment to get my hood repaired was scheduled for a Monday so my grandfather met me at the body shop and drove me to Enterprise so I could get my rental car.

I had asked my grandfather that Friday if he would be available to help me and he let me know he had Monday off. He's retired.

I laid all the groundwork. Made a reservation, contacted the adjuster to see how much coverage I had, contacted Enterprise to make sure that $30 coverage was enough to rent a car, gathered various auto insurance papers and policies. Adulting is hard but I make it look even harder.

We met at the body shop, dropped off my car, he drove me to Enterprise, I thanked him for driving me, dismissed him from my service and headed inside to get a rental. And that's where the trouble started.

When Enterprise pulled up my reservation, they had on file that I had $15 of coverage a day. If you were taught math before they introduced the common core curriculum, you know that is HALF of what I was promised. 15 whole dollars less than what my adjuster told me I had.

Luckily I had to email from the adjuster on my phone that said my coverage was $30 so Enterprise agreed to honor that as long as I called the adjuster to double check and straighten things out. I love playing phone tag (the only tag that doesn't involve cardio) so I was pumped. The Enterprise guy told me there were 3 cars for me to choose from (in a lot of roughly a dozen). A white Ford sedan similar to the Chevy Cruze that's so nice I bought it twice. A Subaru crossover situation and a little Miata. Which is a sports car.

After glancing at all the cars in the parking lot I chose the Subaru and was informed that would be $15 a day out of pocket. Out of pocket is one of my least favorite phrases. It's right up there with creamed corn and keep your eyes peeled. Gross.

Did I need a car to drive to work? Yes. Did I have to leave Enterprise with a car because I hastily dismissed my grandfather and Pittsboro isn't exactly a metropolitan mecca that offers public transportation or Ubers? Yes. Was there any universe in which I was going to pay $15 a day when my parents have an extra car, my grandparents have an extra car and as the oldest child I think my brother would have to sacrifice his should I need it? NOPE.

So I asked if the Ford and the Miata were the same price as the Subaru. And was told the Ford would be $5 a day, the Miata would be $3. Decision made. I said "Miata it is" although I am curious as to how these 3 cars were all presented to me if they had vastly different prices. He hooked me up, told me I should probably sit in the car and make sure I like it first. I declined. It was the cheapest option. Therefore the only option.

As I drove to work I realized...I did completely hate this car. It was tiny. Blindspot a mile wide. Beeped at me for having my book bag in the passenger seat, meanwhile there is no backseat so where did it expect me to put it? I couldn't figure out how to change the radio station. It had push to start technology so I had to Google how to even turn it on. But at $2 less than any other option...I was sold.

While at work I emailed the adjuster who promptly responded 5 hours later to inform me that he gave me the wrong figure the first time. I had $15 of coverage all along. His reaction to ruining my life? "My apologies on the mix up." THANKS CLINT.

So for the second time that day,  my grandfather drove to Pittsboro to hep me return the worst car ever made. He waited 30 minutes as the Enterprise guy was so helpful and offered to let me use the Subaru FOR FREE because my adjuster was an idiot. But I had made up my mind that I would drive my mom's old van because I was terrified of having an accident in the rental car.

Some of you may remember that my grandpa had also hit a deer shortly before I did. His car is still in the shop! The same place mine is. He said the issue right now is that it might be totaled, there was some further internal damage that might equal 75% of the cost of the vehicle. I kind of like the concept of being totaled. I have decided that if I get into an accident in a rental car, I will just consider myself totaled. Because there is no world where I am going to pay $15 a day for all-inclusive insurance. If I get in a wreck in a rental car, the Lord has just decided that it is my time. I'll take that big L in the sky.

Not only did my grandpa help me get a rental car, and then exchange it for my parents' van when Clint ruined my life, but he also drove my brother back to the body shop to pick my car up when it was finished. What an angel. And when I tried to give him a token of my appreciation...a $10 Chick-fil-A gift card that I took from my parents' house, he declined.

If that doesn't qualify you for sainthood, I don't know what does.

What a Card

This week I am putting my card writing skills on display. The U.S. Postal Service has hired me as a spokeswoman in efforts to sell more stamps. Just kidding. No one can afford stamps. I want to encourage you to donate to one (or both!) of two causes very important to me.

As you all know, Dance Marathon is my life. 

This year will be my 9TH YEAR raising money for the patients and families served by UNC Children's Hospital. Watch this video. If you have been to a dance marathon you will get chills. If you haven't been to a dance marathon you will likely be confused.

You can donate to my Dance Marathon fundraising page with this link.

But I am also fundraising for my mission trip to Israel this summer! I am so excited to be volunteering at a hospital in Rehovot in June and I still need to raise a little over $1,000. You can donate to my Israel trip by clicking this link.

All donations are tax deductible and everyone who donates will receive a handwritten thank you card from yours truly. Please look through the gallery of past cards below to learn what to expect from a Rachel Daniel thank you card. Also keep in mind that I will paint for donations.

Sometimes I get pretty deep.

And I have been known to make a handmade card or two.

I like to leave in my spelling errors. I think it adds character. Actually I still haven't looked that word up so for all we know it may be spelled correctly. 

I am also great at fill-in-the-blank situations, as you can see here.

Brendan is the direct recipient of many of my cards. Like this one with with money to help him provide for our daughter Chelsea.

And I keep it real about what's inside, no surprises here.

We are very proud parents.

Brendan also happens to be color blind so I have to explain to him what colors are when I use fancy markers.

And he writes me nice notes too. Like this one where he states the obvious. Of course clear is your favorite color Brendan, you live in a world with no color.

I'm a huge fan of gift giving so sometimes that finds its way into a card.


I am clearly rubbing off on my students. Check out these sick card skillz.

That's the front, here is the inside of that card. We should really make Halloween cards a thing.

As you can see I don't let a little pre-written message get in my way.

My cards also come with custom designed seals with my bitmoji. Now there's a thank you that keeps on thanking.

Thank you haikus are kind of my thing.

If any of this has moved you please feel free to make a donation directly online or contact me about how you can mail a check in. Any donation helps! Call me The Temptations 'cause I ain't too proud to beg.