Plenty of Crap

This week's post is me debunking popular dating cliches. Think of it as LoveBusters. As someone who had to google what the term "relationship" meant, I can assure you there is no better place to get your dating advice.


"You'll find someone when you're not looking."
My Saturday nights are exclusively reserved for catching up on Grey's Anatomy and Little Women: Atlanta. I refuse to wear makeup unless there is a possibility I will be photographed. My idea of an outfit is finding pants and a shirt in roughly the same shade of black. So my question is...who's looking?

"Maybe your standards are just too high?"
What standards? I'm pretty sure I once went on a date with a homeless guy. (He walked me to an ATM.) My checklist for a potential date reads as follows: pulse and/or interest in ranking woodland creatures. I'm not picky. Honestly, I'm more selective with shoes than men and that is probably at least 75% of the problem.

"Opposites attract."
I think I'm pretty rad so I can't imagine being attracted to the opposite of myself. That would be a blonde, science-loving, shy guy who does understand how to work a television that has more than one remote control. Actually, I just described Matthew Gray Gubler. I stand corrected.

"It's better to have nothing than something you don't want."
The perplexing thing about this cliche is that it's my father's current favorite. As a man who has been reading my bank statements for almost as long as mail theft has been illegal, he's familiar with my shopping habits so he of all people should know that I have made my peace with having things I don't want.

"Guys are just intimidated by you."
I'm 23, have an impressive amount of debt, 2 liberal arts degrees and I still run and jump into bed after I turn the light off to escape monsters so yeah, I'm sure that's it. Well-meaning family members and painfully oblivious friends are often saying this about guys that go on to date prettier, skinnier and let's be real, nicer girls than me so what is it they find intimidating? My globe collection? My commitment to a high-carb, low-nutrient diet? My vast knowledge of JonBenet Ramsey conspiracy theories?

"You have to kiss a few frogs first."
How is this, what I sincerely hope is a metaphor, supposed to help? When I finally convince (trick) a guy into spending time with me, he's going to be a dud and I have to start the process of seeming likable all over again? No thank you.

"Timing is everything."
No wonder I can't find someone. I was raised by a man who has been at least an hour early for every sporting event he's ever attended. Apparently the reason I haven't met my soulmate yet is because our watches aren't synchronized.

"Trust your gut."
My gut told me that Brad and Jen would be together forever. My gut told me that Grease 2 would be just as good, if not better than the original. My gut told me that shaving off my widow's peak was a great idea. My gut told me that yogurt was a passable substitute for sour cream. Actually that was my mom but my gut trusted her. My gut is an idiot. Not to be trusted.

"If he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best."
Disagree. Even I don't love me at my worst and friends, family and acquaintances will tell you I'm fairly self-absorbed. If you don't love me at my worst then you're probably an individual who has a healthy relationship with both others and reality, therefore, you're way out of my league.

"Love is blind."
First of all, this cliche confirms my growing suspicion that the problem is my personality. Second of all, love is not blind. That's why my friends describe me to cute guys as having an "okay personality" and a "confusing fluctuation between self-deprecation and self-obsession." They know that having uneven ears, hair that's at least 50% split ends and an untreated underbite ain't gonna cut it.

"Don't judge a book by it's cover."
Because that hottie throwing up gang signs in his Twitter profile pic is probably actually a paralegal. Yeah, kidding, this is crap. I've spent years curating the veneer that I know the public judges me by. Dedication to wearing the same 3 shirts every week. Eyebrow maintenance above all else. Dark hair. Darker heart. And I'm okay with that.

The Signs As

Today I am making sweeping generalizations about broad groups of people based on the very real science of astrology. Assume that a very complex algorithm went into all of these pairings. I can't explain my process because I'm an artist. Honestly, questioning me is just going to subtract from your own enjoyment.

One Tree Hill characters
Aries - Brooke Davis
Taurus - Keith Scott
Gemini - Mia Catalano
Cancer - Peyton Sawyer
Leo - Dan Scott
Virgo - Julian Baker
Libra - Clay Evans
Scorpio - Lucas Scott
Sagittarius - Karen Roe
Capricorn - Nathan Scott
Aquarius - Haley James Scott
Pisces - Quinn James

CFTK Committees
Aries - Morale
Taurus - Hospital & Family Relations/Campus Fundraising
Gemini - Donor & Alumni Relations
Cancer - Supply & Logistics
Leo - Entertainment
Virgo - Operations
Libra - Community Outreach
Scorpio - Publicity
Sagittarius - Sponsorship & Development
Capricorn - Fundraising Projects/Event Donations
Aquarius - Finance
Pisces - Technology

Animated Equines (and one reindeer)
Aries - Pegasus (Hercules)
Taurus - Bullseye (Toy Story)
Gemini - Phillipe (Beauty and the Beast)
Cancer - Donkey (Shrek)
Leo - Maximus (Tangled)
Virgo - Altivo (The Road to El Dorado)
Libra - Sven (Frozen)
Scorpio - Angus (Brave)
Sagittarius - Spirit (Spirit)
Capricorn - Marty (Madagascar)
Aquarius - Khan (Mulan)
Pisces - Samson (Sleeping Beauty)

Taylor Swift Songs
Aries - Hey Stephen
Taurus - Fifteen
Gemini - Enchanted
Cancer - Never Grow Up
Leo - Style
Virgo - Tell Me Why
Libra - Innocent
Scorpio - Blank Space
Sagittarius - Welcome to New York
Capricorn - Better Than Revenge
Aquarius - Sparks Fly
Pisces - The Best Day

Lipstick Shades
Aries - Red
Taurus - Rose
Gemini - Blue
Cancer - Mocha
Leo - Mauve
Virgo - Peach
Libra - Nude
Scorpio - Black
Sagittarius - Green
Capricorn - Berry
Aquarius - Orange-Red
Pisces - Light Pink

Harry Potter Characters
Aries - Sirius Black
Taurus - Albus Dumbledore
Gemini - Luna Lovegood 
Cancer - Rubeus Hagrid
Leo - Bellatrix Lestrange
Virgo - Narcissa Malfoy
Libra - Minerva McGonagall
Scorpio - Severus Snape
Sagittarius - Neville Longbottom
Capricorn -Dobby
Aquarius - Hermione Granger
Pisces - Ron Weasley

Friends Characters
This addition was inspired by my mother who just recently started watching Friends. I'm glad that she is finally catching up on pop culture from over a decade ago but it's so hard having someone in my life who has no idea how the series ends. Every time I'm at her house that's what she wants to watch and I can't help but quote every episode. She's always afraid I will divulge spoilers but is there no statute of limitations on spoiler protection? I mean this show hasn't aired since Bush was in office, let's be reasonable.
Aries - Joey Tribbiani
Taurus - Mike Hannigan
Gemini - Phoebe Buffay
Cancer - Janice Litman Goralnik
Leo - Rachel Green
Virgo - Mr. Heckles
Libra - Tag Jones
Scorpio - Monica Geller
Sagittarius - Richard Burke
Capricorn - Estelle Leonard
Aquarius - Ross Geller
Pisces - Chandler Bing

Snowmageddon

Along with the rest of North Carolina I've been varying degrees of trapped in my apartment for the better part of 4 days because when it snows even a little bit at all North Carolina shuts down for at least 2-3 business days. It's one of  my favorite things about this state after Cookout and One Tree Hill. Were there any active volcanoes nearby, mistaken falling ash could probably close the state for at least a week.

Consider this week the unofficial guide to doing a snow day in NC the right way because when dealing with an impending blizzard, your top priority should be my opinions about North Carolina snow.

Groceries
Milk and bread, bread and milk. But why? What are you going to do with that milk if the power goes out? And also what are you going to do with that milk if the power doesn't go out? Is milk alone enough to sustain you for days? Plain milk makes me want to die. If the concept were "milk and cereal" or even "milk and oreos" then milk's addition to the must-have list would be justified. But milk and bread? What are you doing, making the world's most disappointing French toast? The most important things to consider when grocery shopping for snow are: possible power outage, protein and chocolate. That's why for this weekend's wintry weather I stocked up on Chex Mix, pizza, Butterfinger cups, Goldfish, animal crackers and Eggo waffles. Chocolate and empty carbohydrates, thus all the major food groups were covered.

Clothes
Every so often as I'm taking laps around the mall in search of dippin' dots locations that serve the banana split flavor and kiosks giving out free hair care samples, a particular piece of clothing will catch my eye. It's ankle or floor-length, quilted, plump with down feathers and usually a muted color like black, brown or army green. It's a winter coat. A coat that really could end at the waist. Sure, it's warm, but it's a kind of warm that is completely unnecessary south of the Mason-Dixon line. That type of winter outerwear is just not needed in North Carolina. Who is buying these coats? How much disposable income do you have that you feel the need to do a full Eskimo cosplay in the subtropics of the Tar Heel State? And another thing, if you're not north of the 49th parallel, you can probably survive without a fur-trimmed hood.

Driving
People love to make fun of southerners for not knowing how to drive in the snow which I think is ridiculous. First of all...why would we need to know how to drive in the snow? That opportunity only presents itself 2, maybe 3 times a year. Secondly...how could we get good at driving in the snow when it only snows twice a year? You only go to the dentist twice a year and are you really going to tell me you floss every day in preparation for those visits? It's not as if southerners make fun of the north for not knowing which NASCAR drivers to root for or never getting Rocky Mountain spotted fever or other things they have no control of thanks to geography.

Play
There is really only one thing worth doing in the snow and that is sledding. Making snow angels is just impractical. You're voluntarily laying in snow. You're getting all snowy and like Pringles, you're probably going to need more than one. So after multiple angels your back will be damp. You'll be cold and wet. Basically putting yourself on the waiting list for pneumonia. Snow ball fights? No thank you. Most of the time North Carolina snow is either 99% fluff that doesn't stick together or 99% ice that can cause internal bleeding if you've got good aim and a strong arm. And then there's snow cream. I just don't understand it. Snow cream is not good people. You know what's good? Snow. Icicles. This Sunday I ate icicles off of every car in the parking lot. Is that a little creepy? Yes. Did some people see me picking ice sticks off their Toyota Corollas? Probably. But it was fresh, delicious and fat free. Unlike a bowl of 3 parts vanilla extract 1 part snow. Also I just thought of another activity worth doing in the snow and that is pretending to be an ice skater or ice dancer training for the Winter Olympics.

Never Open the Door

Today's post is somewhat of an urban legend...the story of an unwitting individual who answers the door only to be murdered by their unexpected guest. It's a warning story we hear a lot, but does anyone actually know someone who was killed after simply answering the door? Like a real person, not a character in a horror movie or a friend of a friend or this alleged "Easter bunny" I keep hearing about.

While my threshold encounters haven't escalated to homicide so far, it's always in the back of my mind that something could happen. When it comes to staying up too late or eating fast food multiple times a day I think of myself as an independent adult but in terms of being home alone or outside after sunset, I'm just a little girl.

My first brush with danger at the door was when a pizza delivery guy was MUGGED on his route and didn't let that interfere with his dedication to providing customers like me with access to empty carbohydrates. I don't want to be insensitive to his situation, but truth be told the pizza was a little disheveled when it arrived.

*

Considering the near catastrophe of that pizza delivery, it should come as no surprise to you that some time later, I made the exact same mistake.

Late one weeknight, and by late I mean around 7:40, there was a knock at my door. Being the cautious, independent woman and murderino that I am, I muted the television so it seemed like no one was home and peered carefully through the peephole to spy a young girl.

I felt like Beyonce would want me to help another woman, so I opened the door (like an idiot) and she asked to use the phone. Since home phones went out of style when I was in middle school, I handed her my iPhone and invited her inside as a respite from the brutal 50 degree North Carolina winter, wrongly assuming she would make a quick phone call and be on her way.

During the initial phone call, I distinctly heard her telling the recipient to call her back at that number. MY number. That and the fact that she carried a series of bags (both book and duffel) inside with her indicated that she was probably going to stay for all of Wheel of Fortune and possibly the beginning of The Big Bang Theory. So I did what any responsible, well-adjusted adult would have done when confronted with a stranger threatening to ruin her perfect Thursday night. I asked her if she wanted some SpaghettiOs.

Once my guest was settled on the couch with some SpaghettiOs and water, we discussed popular rappers and had a friendly disagreement over who Rihanna should end up with. Through our conversation I found out that she was 18, had a friend who was either nearby or in Baltimore and was a Meek Mill fan. As excited as I was to learn that this friend may have some Hairspray intel, my guest had never heard of Harvey Fierstein so I knew I had to let it go.

For 20 minutes or so of awkward silence, I ruminated on my situation. On the negative side, my guest might never leave. And there's always a slight chance of murder. But on the positive side, this blog post practically wrote itself. Just when I was starting to get excited about what might happen next and how this visitor could help me finally go viral, she left! She headed out in search of her friend and I suppose she either walked across the parking lot or to Maryland. I have no idea, but after 40 minutes of friendship bloomed from a single knock and a door that almost went unanswered, I wish her well.

Throughout this ordeal, I wasn't scared per se, just paranoid after a lifetime obsession with true crime and months of bingeing the podcast My Favorite Murder. I was torn. The realistic part of me said "girls gotta look out for each other" but the much larger, sensational part of me said "you don't know her life, she could have a gun in that backpack!" and the only thing that scares me more than guns is people dressed as rabbits. 

What it all came down to was one simple question. Would I rather be the type of person who didn't help someone in need, or go down as the moron who got murdered after inviting a stranger into her house?

I think you'll find I chose wisely.


*Names have not been changed because I didn't have time (or care enough) to Photoshop this.