Hairy Houdini

I'm a big fan of curly hair. I feel like the bigger my hair is the smaller my body seems. It's an optical illusion right?

My hair is naturally pretty straight but it will hold a curl, the issue is getting my hand to hold a curling iron. No thanks. So I am always looking for alternate methods of curling my hair.

First there was the middle school hair scrunching craze of the late 2000s. You remember. A ton of product to give you those crunchy curls that went so well with your straightened bangs.

Then in high school I developed my own mechanism for turning my straight locks into tight curls. I twisted my wet hair into something similar to bantu knots and after a night of less than restful sleep I would unfurl them and release messy spirals.

In college I had to abandon that method as friends threatened to post pictures of my dozens of sloppy mini buns on this new torture device called social media. I finally learned to braid thanks to my 12-year-old summer camp kids and settled for the waves that my french braided pigtails left.

Recently I tried curlformers and that did NOT go well. Thicc hair need not apply. I tried some microwaveable headband as well but I just have too much hair and not enough patience.

But I finally found something that works! These flexible curling rods. No heat. No products. No skill required. So easy a dad could do it. You can even wear these curls for days. By day 3 the style is 50% dry shampoo but as long as you stay away from open flames you should be fine.

Here's my tutorial so you too can have hairs like mine!

Swiftical the Giftical

In honor of the recent Tony Awards which needed more Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, I have a pitch for a new show. We all love a good jukebox musical right? What prolific artist is more deserving of her own musical than Taylor Swift? Exactly. So follow (and sing) along 

Act I

Our story begins with Taylor's longtime best friend Abigail preparing the audience for the epic romance that is about to happen (...Ready For It?). Different celebrity impersonators (preferably drag queens) enter the stage in wild outfits for the event where Joe and Taylor reportedly Met...Gala (Today Was a Fairytale). We watch a falling in love montage but American Taylor and British Joe wonder if they can make a long distance relationship work. Joe decides to move for love. And because America is way better than England (Welcome to New York). While Joe gets acclimated to freedom, Taylor gives him an all-American makeover (Style). Joe has had a lot of success in England but now he has to break into the American film scene. As he faces a lot of early rejection, his agent Bryan Lourd encourages him to keep trying (Shake it Off). Joe takes a walk around Manhattan and sees an open casting call for a new film whose lead has just been fired. He takes this opening as a sign and resolves to get the part (Blank Space). Taylor joins him and they stroll around the city imagining what could be if he gets the part (If This Was a Movie). Joe continues to get call backs during the holiday season, introduces Taylor to some Boxing Day traditions, and he finally gets the news that the part is his on January 1st (New Year's Day). The couple embrace as Act I closes.

Act II

Act II begins with an excited Taylor announcing a new tour even though it will coincide with Joe's press tour for his new film (I Did Something Bad). When she tells Joe that she will have to miss his premieres, he begs her to work something out with her tour schedule and support him (Stay Stay Stay). Taylor agonizes over what to do, reluctant to let down her fans or her mans. Her girl squad ultimately convinces her to go through with the tour because music is her first love (Don't Blame Me). Taylor embarks on her world tour and while she loves it, she finds herself missing Joe and feeling guilty for letting him down (Teardrops On My Guitar). Taylor flies into New York when she has a 3 day tour break. She wants to spend time with Joe but he has already made plans and is unapologetic about filling his days with distractions from her absence (All You Had To Do Was Stay). Taylor realizes how much she has hurt Joe and waits alone in the apartment all day waiting for him to return, as she tries again to apologize Joe, he refuses to listen (You're Not Sorry). With Taylor back on tour and Joe still in New York, they both realize they have been selfish. Joe arranges to miss the U.S. premiere of his film to attend Taylor's last tour date and propose. Unbeknownst to him, Taylor has cancelled that tour date so she can walk the red carpet with Taylor. They simultaneously announce their plans to each other, leaving voicemails at the exact same time. The two are overjoyed to realize they both choose each other, but have to figure out which event to pick (I Wish You Would). Taylor posts a Twitter poll asking what the pair should do and millions of fans write to the Motion Picture Association of America to have them move the U.S. premiere so the couple can have it all. The MPAA obliges and after Taylor and Joe attend the premiere they fly to London for her final show. Joe proposes in front of their family, friends and thousands of concert attendees and Taylor says yes! The newly engaged couple close the tour together (You Belong With Me).


Aaaaaaand scene!



Wow. Moving stuff. I would tap Greta Gerwig to direct and in a clever twist, Ellen Pompeo and Mariska Hargitay will play Taylor's cats Meredith Gray and Olivia Benson. Taylor will obviously play herself. Her exes can take turns playing Joe. And it will take a lot of plastic surgery but I am willing to be Selena Gomez. Please write your local arts councils and theaters to help make this happen. Here is a sample letter, just print and mail!

A Man in the Hand is Worth Two in the Pew

Some of you may remember a popular series I did about this cute guy at church. Unfortunately, this is NOT an exciting update. No news is bad news.

The only real outcome of my 2 dream boy sightings was a break up. Not this fantasy man breaking up with his girlfriend the instant he spotted me so that we could embark on a life of love (marriage) and laughter (this blog) but a guy I was seeing at the time dumping me for two-timing him. With this guy at church. That I had never met.

Allow me to explain. I first saw the cute Christian (I am still workshopping pet names for my imaginary boyfriend) sometime in November or December. When I would tell friends about how I boldly flirted with him they thought it was hilarious that I considered eye contact me making the first move. I realized I could make a blogpost out of it. Readers tend to gravitate towards my anecdotes because I have a way of spinning straw into gold and my life is such a mess.

So I was talking to this guy. Let's call him Alejandro because that song is a bop. We hadn't met yet because he lived far away. I know what you're thinking. This isn't middle school. When you're thirteen a long distance boyfriend in Canada sounds so exotic (and concerning) but in your twenties dating someone who lives three hours away is just environmentally irresponsible. Think of all the fossil fuels!

A part of me always knew that this was never going to work but was silenced by the much bigger part of me that desperately needs attention to survive. Less in a Tinker Bell way and more in a Babadook way.

So in January we finally met. I thought it went well. We really seemed headed for an unprecedented second date. We were stalled for a few weeks while I waited for him to find a good time to drive to me since I drove to him for our first date. In this dating...let's call it an intermission...I realized that life is not a Diamond Rio song. We were never going to Meet in the Middle.

So for a few days we were in an awkward stalemate. He started calling and texting less and less and then not at all. But call me Bill Murray because I'm not about to just let a ghost escape. When he finally made contact I strapped on my proton pack, determined to extract an explanation.

Alejandro explained to me that he was distancing himself because his mother told him that I was cheating on him. Based on my blogpost.

Quick recap: this blogpost was WRITTEN and POSTED before we met. And it was about me finding a guy at church cute. Well, finding the back of his head cute. And Alejandro and I weren't official. I referred to him as my boyfriend once and he corrected me faster than you can say "I can't date you because I'm already in an exclusive relationship with my mother." which I realize would take awhile to say but honestly it needed to be said. AND HE NEVER EVEN READ THE POST HIMSELF. I guess it was just too painful.

I mean I am flattered that his mom read my blog, but maybe it has nothing to do with me and she just has good taste. According to Alejandro she said that I was "two timing" him. Can you two time someone you only met one time? I don't understand this new common core math but that just doesn't add up.

This may be the dumbest reason I have ever been broken up with. Of course I think they are all dumb (except for the guy whose watch I tried to steal, that was justified but don't wear a Rolex around me come on) and I am probably a little biased.

So I want to know what you think! Some crimes just have to be tried in the court of public opinion. Let your voice be heard. Click this link to tell me what you think.