Oscars the Grouch

If you watched the 91st Academy Awards, you probably agree with me that Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are indeed in love. If you didn't watch the Oscars...I encourage you to read this post of what MY Oscar choices would have been.

My 2018 Oscar Choices 

• Best Picture - Bohemain Rhapsody

In my mind, Best Picture means best movie posters. Bohemian Rhapsody had some dope ones.

• Best Actor  - Jason Momoa, Aquaman

I didn't see it, but I assume. He's gotta act like he's not in love with me everywhere he goes so it's time he gets some recognition.

• Best Supporting Actor - Lin-Manuel Miranda, Mary Poppins Returns

LMM needs to EGOT. And so does Dr. Phil. I stand by that.

• Best Actress - Lady Gaga, A Star is Born

Need I remind everyone that Gaga was a brunette in this film? Now that's what I call acting! Ask anyone from America's Next Top Model and they will tell you a hair makeover is worth AT LEAST an Oscar.

• Best Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz, The Favourite

She's stunning and such a great actress and I love a love triangle, especially one I'm not involved in, can't wait to see this film.

• Best Original Screenplay - Rachel Daniel, White Girl Wednesday

I think it's time WGW hit the silver screen. I want Shaquille O'Neal to play me.

• Best Original Song - "Shallow", A Star is Born

Because none of the songs in Bohemian Rhapsody are original. And because we stan Stefani Germanotta.

• Best Costume Design - The Favourite

I just think nothing says costumes like a period piece. And I'm not taking about Period. End of Sentence. The costume designer for Aquaman  got to see plenty of Jason Momoa so they've won already.

• Best Animated Feature - Sherlock Gnomes

I did not watch any 2018 animated films but I feel like I know a winner when I see one. And this reminds me of one of my favorite stories ever. When Patrick was in high school his English teacher asked if they could think of any films based on Shakespeare and he yelled "Gnomeo and Juliet!"

• Best Documentary Feature - All My Snapchat Videos of Nathan

If you're not friends with me on Snapchat you are missing out on the cutest baby in the world and all of the weird dances I make him do for my own amusement when his mom's not looking.

• Best Original Music Score - Mary Poppins Returns

If you haven't heard...Lin-Manuel Miranda was in this. Case closed.

• Live Action Short Film - My Wisdom Teeth Removal

That was comedy gold and I dare any academy member to watch it and not laugh.

• Best Sound Editing - Bohemian Rhapsody

Does this mean best soundtrack? Because it should.

• Best Makeup - Me (and Emily)

Because only makeup can take this...

and this...

and give you...a princess.

• Best Short Documentary - Dr. Phil

About time! That man is on the forefront of every major issue facing teens and parents and drug addicts. His acceptance speech "I know you're clapping 'cause your hands are moving!"

• Best Animated Short Film - Bao

Have not seen it but now I really want to. It looks adorable! I wanted a plush version of that little fella.

• Foreign Language Film - Custody, France

In a real twist of events this film is about a custody battle. Just like A Separation, and Iranian film that won this award in 2012.

Get Rid Of

• Best Sound Mixing - Not sure what this really means. Like what movie has the best deejay?

• Best Production Design - I just feel like some sets are more exciting than others, like I would award this to Aquaman personally because the designers all had to hold their breath underwater to make that set happen.

• Best Director - Does this just automatically go to Alfonso Cuaron every year?

• Best Cinematography - I think we can all agree that no one knows what this means.

• Best Film Editing - In order to judge this I would need to watch all of the raw footage and compare it to the final film which is not an endeavor I am willing to partake in.

• Best Visual Effects - I'm not gonna lie, I can never tell when something is CGI. Like did you guys know...Sharknado? Not real sharks.

• Best Adapted Screenplay - If it needs to be adapted in the first place, it can't be that good, am I right?

New Oscars

• Best Promo - Smallfoot 

Zendaya is Meechee if you haven't heard.

• Best Showmance - Rami Malek & Lucy Boynton

Because showmances never last and Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are destined to be my mom and dad some day.

• Most Girl Power - Ocean's Eight

This flick was sick. I definitely wanted to rob the Met Gala after watching this. And it's always around my birthday so I think I could get in with enough retweets.

• Worst Sequel - Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Again, have not seen it yet but I hear it is not centered around that little hedgehog thing so I remain unimpressed. And I hear it sucked.

• Best Netflix Release - The Kissing Booth

Sorry Bird Box, The Kissing Booth is an instant classic. Joey King is a national treasure. We stan Ramona Quimby.

• The Meryl Streep Award - Meryl Streep

I would love for this Oscar to go to Meryl Streep every year unless she wants to give it to someone else. So maybe this year she would have given it to Glenn Close. And years ago she could have awarded it to Leonardo DiCaprio and none of us would have had to suffer through J. Edgar.

BIBLE TL; DR Samson & Delilah

The Israelites stay on God’s naughty list. God was like Kylie (minus Travis Scott, I guess Jesus is Stormi?) and the Israelites were Jordyn. They had it made. Could not ask for more. But they kept messing up so God put the Philistines in charge of them for 40 years.

An angel visited Samson’s mother, an Israelite, and told her that she would have a son who would save Israel from the Philistines and to never cut his hair. There were not a ton of Great Clips in the ancient Middle East so that last part was pretty easy.

After 9 months, give or take (not a ton of data on preemie rates in Canaan) Samson was born and he was super strong. He was like Hercules but with the hair of a young Cher. Samson was like the Philistine slayer. He ate Philistines for breakfast. And Wheaties.

So the Philistines were always plotting how they could take him down. The devil works hard but the Philistines and Kris Jenner work harder. It turned out Samson had a weakness. Called puberty. Samson loved him some Delilah. But Delilah was a Philistine. Samson learned nothing from Romeo & Juliet because Bill Shakes wasn't born yet so his dumb self stayed in love with Delilah.

The Philistines knew Samson loved her, they probably followed his finsta and saw his whiny posts about unrequited love and they were like “brain blast!” and approached Delilah to be a double agent. Delilah was planning to say no, but they offered her money so of course she did it. You can't buy new kohl at Zipporah with a heart of gold. They take cold hard cash. And Syrian Express.

Delilah batted her eyelashes and asked Samson what the secret of his strength was. She also cooked him a meal because one of her older female relatives probably told her "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" so she whipped up some Chef Boyardee and said bone app the teeth. He told her that if he was tied up in new bowstrings he would lose all of his strength. While he slept she tied him up and had Philistines come to attack him. But when he woke up to the Philistines he easily snapped the bowstrings and gave them the business. Because men always lie.

Delilah was hurt that he didn’t trust her even though she is a conniving snake because obviously women are irrational and crazy sometimes. She was gaslighting him and acted like he was the jerk since he lied to her.  She asked again and this time he told her new ropes would do the trick. Guess what? Even though he loved her he lied to her again because men really ain't it, sis.

Delilah is still mad that nothing has worked so she resorts to her last trick, crying. Ugly crying. Mascara running. And Samson is an idiot and he tells her the truth, that is strength is in his hair. So that night while he is sleeping she goes for the clipper. I like to imagine she gave him the old "can I speak to your manager" cut with stadium seating in the back but the Bible is unclear on this detail.

The Philistines capture him and even though he was a total and complete moron, God isn’t done with him and allows him to regain his strength before the Philistines kill him. Won’t He do it. His hair starts growing back like one of those creepy lifelike dolls your mom wouldn't buy you. I guess his diet was naturally rich in biotin.

Samson is able to push the entire temple down, killing Philistine rulers and spectators and himself. But then the Israelites were totally freed so Samson is still a Biblical hero even though he really let a girl run him. There's no word on what happened to Delilah. I like to imagine that she died a slow and painful death amidst the temple rubble but hey, whatever grows your hair.

Down in the Dumped

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day or whatever. My therapist and Justin Bieber were all "love yourself" but I'm not feein' it.

Instead, I'm going to hurl my desires out into the universe and see what happens. A coworker does this activity with her students where they list 7 traits they need in a partner, 7 things that are negotiable and then 7 that are dealbreakers. I decided to do the assignment too, kind of like a vision board. Why not put the qualities I most admire in a man out, a pulse and a paycheck, out there.


So obviously it is important to me that the guy I date be a Christian. Preferably a Baptist but I am willing to accept a Methodist at this point. Pentecostals need not apply.

Also, I am sick and tired of guys on dating apps saying they plan to never get married. Go to Craigslist then! Let me and my people have Bumble.

And I need a guy to be older than me. It's like the one thing I'm really shallow about. Well, that and him being very, very wealthy.

This fictional man also needs to have some sort of plan, none of this "I'm traveling for a few years" or "I'll probably work at KFC forever" nonsense. I mean, KFC is delicious but most KFCs near me don't even offer Dr. Pepper so that's not going to work.

My dream guy will love or probably just tolerate the fact that I have to sing along with songs. I can't just listen to music. That would be like just window shopping. No thanks.

When given the option of beach or mountains, the future Mr. Rachel Daniel should at least 9 times out of 10 choose the beach. There's less nature, less bugs, less craft breweries in my experience it's just an all-around better time.

Finally, and I cannot stress this enough, I am going to need my back scratched frequently. Some people (Missy) think I just want the diva treatment but honestly, hand to God, my back just itches a lot. I'm not Inspector Gadget there's only so much I can reach.



Wanting a lot of kids is negotiable for me. I would like 6-8 but I would be okay with 4 and then some adoption. I'm very accommodating that way.

Drinking is also up in the air. I personally don't drink but most of my past boyfriends have enjoyed an occasional beer, including but not limited to the functioning alcoholics.

Pets inside the house? I am not a fan. It's not a dealbreaker per se but I wear a lot of black. Any brown or white dog hair is a no from me. A fish inside? That I can overlook.

Being pro-Israel is negotiable because I am fine with my future spouse supporting a two-state solution as long as the land ceded for Palestine comes from present-day Jordan and Jerusalem belongs solely to Israel. And they say I'm stubborn, pshhh.

A guy who is bad at social media is not immediately a no. I don't like sappy social media posts, I don't like asking for advice on social media and I really don't like food Instagram pics. But as long as his grammar is good I can live with all that.

The outdoors. My old nemesis. I don't mind a guy who likes to fish or go camping. But please note, I will not be camping, barring a lobotomy. And hunting trips that leave me alone with multiple kids all weekend will be rarer than an albino deer.

And finally, unless you have a PhD in English, your opinion on the Oxford comma does not trump my journalism degree. Deal with it.



I cannot abide by drug use. And for the guys who always ask...yes weed counts. Duh.

My children will be vaccinated. And my grandchildren. And their children. And their children's children.

A Patriots fan is obviously not going to work. Anyone who thinks Ben Roethlisberger is not at the very least guilty of sexual assault, also not going to work.

Bad texters. I can't. I just can't. I NEED ATTENTION OR I WILL DIE. How many times do I have to say that? And if you have read receipts on...you better be on your A game.

I will not be dating a vegan. Ever. Not even if a chicken or pig or cow's life depended on it. Two words. Cheese sticks.

Someone flaky is not going to work with my Type A personality. I don't cancel plans, I don't arrive late and I don't date frosted flakes.

If you like twentyonepilots...no. Just no.


I know I seem pretty demanding but look. I've been through a lot. Here is a list of some of the dumb reasons I have been rejected.

• I was too sarcastic.
• I wrote about thinking another guy was cute on my blog.
• I'm too excitable.
• I lived too far away (there was a 20 minute commute from his place to mine).
• I like to play guessing games.
• I wasn't his wife.
• I would not mail him a $200 gift card.
• I believe that the Holocaust happened.

I think I deserve better. I mean like - just barely, but still. Asking for more than a Holocaust denier is not being "too picky" @ male co-workers and family members.

That is all.

Money Can't Buy You Vax

Okay that was shameless clickbait and I'm not sorry.

I can't believe I'm typing this but it turns out I might have been wrong about vaccines. Not about their effectiveness, come on now. It's 2019 and I'm not an idiot like the people who have blocked me on Facebook due to how often I express my desire for all children to live to adulthood instead of dying prematurely from diseases that scientists got a handle on in the 1800s. I suppose some find that annoying. But maybe the anti-vax movement exists solely because people just can't afford vaccinations.

As many of you know, I am traveling to Israel this summer for a mission trip. (You can click here to donate to the $2,000 I need to raise!) Since I am traveling internationally, I did a little research about the vaccines that are recommended for travel in the area. The main vaccines recommended for Israel specifically are typhoid and rabies.

My doctor told me that I really didn't need the rabies vaccine unless I was going to be working with animals. If you know me, you know I am definitely not going to be working with animals. Here is photo evidence of the type of interaction with animals that has become the norm for me.

Awww cute Layla.


Personal space Layla! Personal space!

I completely understand the concept of not getting unnecessary vaccines and not being paranoid but first of all...I think that rabid animals pretty much make all the decisions regarding how much contact there will be. I won't be volunteering at an animal shelter but I am also in no condition to outrun a feral dog. I probably couldn't outrun a feral tortoise. And second of all...if I got rabies, I wouldn't just get sick for a week and catch up on reality TV from the comfort of my bed. I would...die. Unless I got treatment pretty much immediately and honestly I'm not that observant. It would probably take me weeks to suspect rabies and by then my mouth would be a full on foam party.

So you see, rabies bad, vaccines good. The problem is, from the research that I've done (Googling it once and asking a friend with firsthand experience) the rabies vaccine costs a couple thousand dollars. I don't know about y'all, but I have already mentally spent my tax return and the only needle-related activity that made the list was a new piercing.

I did,  however, splurge for the typhoid vaccine. Set me back a cool hundred thirty. Honestly, I will be volunteering at a hospital so I should have just risked it. I'm sure they can handle a fever and vomiting. But what's done is done. So now I'm thinking...what can they really do if I don't pay? Are they going to come take the vaccine out of my body? Is that scientifically possible? This isn't the futuristic dystopia of Repo Men, a scary sci-fi film brought to you by the sick minds of Canada in which a team of men forcibly repossess the donated organs of recipients who can't pay.

As far as I'm considered, I'm legally untouchable. But as far as my father is concerned, I need to "think of my credit score" and "blah blah blah."

What I've learned from all this is that while the flu shot is normally free or pretty cheap depending on your insurance, other vaccines are not. Most insurance companies cover the cost of the recommended vaccines in America but when it comes to travel, you're on your own buddy. Which really seems counterintuitive to what I know about disease ecology. If anything we should be forcibly vaccinating travelers. There. I said it.

And even though your insurance probably covers basic vaccines, there's still a co-pay so you better stay on top of those expiration dates. It's like your body is a fridge and vaccines are dairy products.

When you have a kid they receive a ton of vaccinations and I'm sure you or your insurance gets a hefty, itemized bill that will take several phone calls to reconcile but at least you have a baby to show for it. When you get boosters what do you get? A sore arm? And in my case a bill by mail 2 weeks later. I thought I was in the clear!

Healthcare costs in this country are simultaneously something that I don't understand at all and something that I am enraged about. Just this morning a student told me that getting her thumb X-rayed cost her family thousands of dollars. Thousands! And that's like...with insurance and everything.

When I was younger I broke a finger and chose not to go to the doctor. Now I have nerve damage so I can't use that hand to count to three but it doesn't negatively impact my life as much as spending a thousand dollars on an X-ray would. And it's my ring finger on my left hand, doubtful I will ever need use it. My students do make fun of me when I start listing things with my left hand and have to switch to my right.

So let's be more sympathetic to all the Typhoid Marys and crooked fingers out there.
But not anti-vaxxers.