Cats, Cucumbers & Conspiracy Theories

Cats vs. Cucumbers

If you have not yet seen the Youtube sensation that is Cats vs. Cucumbers I'm gonna ask you to amend that right now. Apparently the issue at play here is that to cats, cucumbers look like snakes. This startles the cats and they fah-reeeek out! It's great. These cats jump like 3 feet in the air. And we're supposed to believe it's all because cucumbers look like snakes? I don't buy that. There are several inanimate objects that more closely resemble snakes than cucumbers. Paper towel rolls. Water bottles. Sticks. Have you seen a Cats vs. Sticks video? Nope. There's something evil about cucumbers that humans don't have the intellectual acumen to gauge. Mark my words.

Celtic Territories

I'm not entirely convinced that Scotland and Ireland are two separate entities. That's really all there is to this theory, I have no facts or evidence just deep-seated suspicion.

Cilantro 

Apparently, certain ethnicities taste soap when they eat cilantro. I have done some research and all I can glean is that a taste or distaste for cilantro is genetic. No one will tell me which ethnicities think it tastes like soap. So my question is...what is the government not telling us? What's in cilantro that some of us can't discern? Is it helping or hurting those who like it? Was it ever featured in a Bradley Cooper movie that later became a television series? 

Cougars

Or mountain lions or pumas or panthers or catamounts or whatever. Pick a name. Why do we have so many names for what authorities want us to believe is the "same animal"? I don't buy it. The last time we let the powers that be give the same exact species 2 different names, one name got an entire holiday while all the other got was a stupid tongue twister that could really work with both names. How much ground could a groudhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

Canadian Bacon

People always hate on hotdogs as being the most questionable member of the meat family, but what even is Canadian bacon? Is it actually bacon? Is it actually Canadian? How do we know? Does it want to be a Mountie when it grows up? Does it carry maple syrup in its purse? I did some research and discovered that everyone else calls it back bacon so just like the metric system, the rest of the world is doing it wrong. I can only hope we started calling it Canadian bacon as some sort of sick burn. Perhaps something like "Canadians! We only ever see your backs because you turn away from our pronunciations and summer clothes. Back ache? More like Canadian ache! Back porch? You mean Canadian porch! Back bacon? Oh, Canadian bacon!". 

Cars

Cars hate me. I have had so many car issues in 6 short years of driving, it's an inexplicable phenomenon. It really can't be user error. So what gives? Now I do, admittedly, make the occasional error while operating a vehicle. I have been known to turn left on red once or thrice. I have backed into several things (a light pole, a garage door, my cousin's parked car). And changing lanes is still not my strong suit. But does that explain the phantom scratches and dents in my car? Actually, yeah probably. Case closed!

#dookfans

This entire post is literally just #dookfans tweets for the game tonight. Just because I think they're hilarious. You could easily replace "dookfans" with "mushrooms" or "Canadians" or anything else you find displeasing.


#Dookfans think Coldplay was the best part of the Super Bowl halftime show.

#Dookfans use the Oxford comma.

#Dookfans think Michelle is the best member of Destiny's Child.

#Dookfans invite you to play Candy Crush.

#Dookfans tag themselves in their Instagram pictures.

#Dookfans say they don't watch TV knowing good and well that they have Netflix AND Hulu Plus.
   
#Dookfans; favorite Office character is Toby.

#Dookfans use #Throwback for pictures taken 24 hours ago.

#Dookfans haven't watched any of the debates, but they still tweet about them.

When #Dookfans go to Olive Garden and the waiter/waitress asks them if they want more breadsticks, they say no.
Not even "no thank you".

#Dookfans read every word twice before accepting the terms & conditions.

#Dookfans' favorite character on Parks & Rec is Tammy.

#Dookfans delete google doc study guides.

#Dookfans reply all.

#Dookfans hate red Skittles.

#Dookfans don't put icing on their Toaster Strudels.
 
#Dookfans think Derek should have stayed with Addison.

#Dookfans didn't know who Missy Elliot was until last year's Super Bowl.
   
#Dookfans think Kanye is a loving & respectful husband.

#Dookfans drive 50 when the speed limit 55.

#Dookfans pick the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms.
 
#Dookfans don't even know how to spell "dook".

#Dookfans think Kayne made Taylor famous.
   
#Dookfans' default font is comic sans.

#Dookfans are glad ABC Family is now Freeform.    

#Dookfans don't get parmesan peppercorn ranch at Linda's.
 
#Dookfans probably don't even go to Linda's tbh.

#Dookfans think Sarah McLachlan songs are pump up music. 
   
#Dookfans use Bing instead of Google.

#Dookfans start listening at the end of your story and ask you to repeat the whole thing.

#Dookfans cut in line.
   
#Dookfans see items on sale and insist on paying full price.

#Dookfans don't shop at Underground Printing.

#Dookfans are waiting when the campus library opens.
(Just kidding, their library is open 24 hours on week days. That's a real thing. I looked it up.)
   
#Dookfans think Shonda doesn't experiment with death enough.

#Dookfans don't double the dog at Sup Dogs.
   
#Dookfans' favorite episode of Grey's is the one where Lexie dies.

#Dookfans poke people on Facebook. It's their mating call.

#Dookfans liked the ending of Mockingjay.

#Dookfans root for the cats in cats vs. cucumbers.

#Dookfans like Zayn's new song.
   
#Dookfans think Nickelback is fire. 

#Dookfans hate daylight saving time.

#Dookfans only eat cupcakes with no icing.
AKA muffins.
   
#Dookfans don't get [B]Ski's delivered. Ever.

#Dookfans want to grow up to be Martin Shkreli.

#Dookfans think Ross and Rachel were on a break.

One Tree Thrill

Coming soon (actually probably never) to Wilmington, NC...One Tree Thrill! The world's only One Tree Hill theme park.

Dining
Karen's Cafe
Enjoy coffee, pastries and more at the cafe that started it all.
NBA City 
Take in the view at a restaurant full of basketball memorabilia including Nathan's jerseys.

Entertainment
Tric
Head above Karen's Cafe to hear local talent like Haley James Scott, Mia Catalano, Alex Dupre and Chris Keller perform live.* Surprise performances by Fall Out Boy not included.
*Of course, Mia and Alex will never perform on the same night.**
**Haley and Chris will never perform on the same night either.
Slam Ball
Watch professionals soar through the air and leap on trampolines as they struggle to score. If you get good seats, you might even manage to get some blood splatter on your clothes. Every game is announced by Tree Hill's very own Mouth McFadden. With no Gigi.

Rides
Lucas Coaster
Full of treacherous upward climbs, stomach-wrenching turns and plummeting drops, this coaster will take you through all of the ups and downs equivalent to one second of Lucas Scott's life. See if you can spot the camera and make a brooding face for your close-up!
Escape Nanny Carrie
This simulation will let you fly through the corn field but, watch out! Nanny Carrie is around every corner. Grandpa Dan will swoop in at the very end and rush you to safety.
Coach Durham's Shoot Out
Shoot some hoops with Whitey and see if you can beat Tim before the buzzer! Literally everyone who's not Tim is a winner.
Naley's Tunnel of Love
Slowly glide along the water by the River Court with your one true love. You'll spot purple flowers, dodge crazy sister-in-laws and false accusations and defeat kidnappers? Adult nappers? You know what I mean.
Petyon's Drop Zone
Experience all of the downs and more downs of P. Sawyer's life on Drop Zone. Just when you think it can't go any lower, you are dropped to an underground platform.
Race for Chase
Two competing coasters. Riders will choose either Mia or Alex, the first one back will win Chase's heart.*
*Spoiler alert: the Mia coaster is faster and always wins. Remember this.

Lodging
Chateau Brooke*
For fans of the finer things in life, a stay at the legendary home of B. Davis will provide the taste of luxury you've been missing.
*Unfortunately, guests with the name Victoria are not welcome here.
Clay's Beach Resort 
If you prefer the sun & surf try staying at Clay's Beach Resort where grape Kool-Aid is served round the clock. Special alarms on each room door prevent sleepwalking.

Souvenirs
Suburban Filth Sweats
Rock the sweat suits that made Brooke realize she had star potential, look fab while feeling comfy.
Jamie's Cape
Be your own superhero or buy your favorite tot their own cape. Customizable with your own initial patch.
People Always Leave Print
If your bedroom needs a touch of teen angst, purchase Peyton's classic drawing.
An Unkindness of Ravens
Try Lucas's book if you need to relive all the drama of Tree Hill via the written word.
Nathan's Bobcats Jersey
Represent your favorite former Raven with a replica of his NBA jersey.
Haley's Cracker Jack Bracelet 
Don't say I never gave you anything.

Election 2016

It is officially election season and I could not be more pumped slash terrified. On Monday, Iowa's caucus kicked off the 2016 election. From what I understand, caucuses are a mix between a square dance and a game of 4 corners with a little bit of voting. I have a political science degree and writing that sentence is the first time I have used it so yay me! Anyways, now we're hearing a lot of rhetoric about how it all starts in Iowa. Iowa is the first state to choose their candidate. I want us all to pause and be thankful that elections don't officially begin in a place like Alabama or North Dakota. Imagine if North Dakotans were allowed to set the tone for the mechanism through which the leader of the free world is decided.They're practically Canadias don'tcha know?

In one of the GOP debates, the 5,000 candidates were each asked what they would want their secret service code name to be. I found all of their suggestions severely lacking so I created my own.


GOP
Jeb Bush
"Adopted"
At this point is Dubya himself even voting for Jeb? Sorry, Jeb!. Politically speaking, he is more liberal than the rest of his family so I suspect he's not a true Bush. More of a shrub. 

Ben Carson
"Dr. Rogers"
I definitely get a Mr. Rogers vibe from Dr. Carson. 

Ted Cruz
"Aardvark" 
He just looks like an aardvark. It's not an insult and it's certainly not a compliment.

Chris Christie
"Jerseylicious"
 Because all Christie ever does is redirect us to New Jersey as if we're all thinking "What a beacon of hope! Chris Christie made New Jersey the crown jewel of America. He should be president!" and because Jerseylicious was a wonderful trashy reality TV show on Style network. 

Carly Fiorina
"Bob"
We obviously can't give her a female name, even France could crack that code. So I vote Bob, to pay homage to her fierce haircut. I don't have 2 hairs on my head that are the same length and she never has a strand out of place. YGG. 

John Kasich
"Who?"
Let's be real, you involuntarily think "who?" every time you hear this man's name. So we make it easy on the secret service. And is it just me, or does he always look sleepy? 

Rand Paul
"Ramen Noodle"
That hair makes Justin Timberlake circa 1998 jealous.

Marco Rubio
"Polo"
Because just imagine the hilarity that would ensue whenever the agents were getting used to a new president and accidentally called him by his real name. "Marco. I mean Polo. Sorry." 

Donald Trump
"Duck"
 Because I have a feeling we will be doing a lot of ducking and covering if Donald Duck Trump is elected. 

DEM
Hillary Clinton
"POTUS@gmail.gov"
 She obviously needs some help remembering to use her work email for work things and her personal email for pictures of her adorable granddaughter. This will serve as a constant reminder. 

Bernie Sanders
"The Vermonster"
Because he's a Vermont senator and he just seems like exactly the type of grandpa who would take his grandkids for a Ben & Jerry's Vermonster after school on a Tuesday for no reason at all.