White girls love fall.
It's, like, the rules of feminism. It's an understood principle that governs our world and is universally accepted. It's like knowing that a white guy with dreadlocks will have strong opinions on which brand of longboard is best. Like knowing that all craft beer brewers wear flannel pajamas.
Being a white girl who does not love fall, I'm a political prisoner. If the white girl authorities (Taylor Swift, Lauren Conrad and Ariana Grande) found out about this they would revoke my government-issued white girl card and I would no longer be able to create the perfect messy bun or get over 50 likes on a selfie.
While I'm not obsessed with fall, in the words of Jean-Luc, I don't hate it. In fact, I would argue that fall is an important part of being an American. They don't have seasons in Canada, it's just all white. There is only 1 shade of fall in Canada. White. Not eggshell and ivory and off-white and cream. Just white.
Being a patriot and a pioneer in the little-known and terribly underfunded field of white girl studies, I took it upon myself to compile a list of the 50 shades of fall. I quickly changed this to the odd-numbered 25 shades of fall when I remembered that white girls can't even. Picture the first numbers on this list as the first shades of fall, a vibrant summer-y yellow that follows a gradient into harvest orange, the official color of fall and infinity scarves everywhere. Without further ado, I present 50 shades of fall, the 25 signs that winter is (eventually) coming.
1. The first time that you step outside and don't immediately cremate.
2. A white girl posts a picture on Instagram of an aptly named "fall outfit".
3. The caption of that Instagram post is nothing but leaf emojis.
4. You start brainstorming Halloween costumes.
5. You buy candles with names like baked apples and toasted marshmallow.
6. Fall-themed monograms. They're a thing.
7. You pay way too much for your Halloween costume.
8. Your Pinterest is nothing but pumpkin recipes. (Pumpkin meatloaf. Pumpkin quesadillas. Pumpkin buffalo wings.)
9. Someone you know has a bonfire.
10. You spend more than 2 minutes outside and don't end up covered in bug bites.
11. Leaves change colors.
12. 3 words. Carmel apple pops.
13. You start seeing riding boots where chacos used to be.
14. You forget about all those sad Sundays spent waiting for football season.
15. Pumpkin spice lattes come back.
16. You buy a pumpkin to use as a decoration (actually baking pumpkin pie is your aunt's job).
17. You attend a bonfire and make smores.
18. Hocus Pocus comes on for the 10th Sunday afternoon in a row.
19. You watch Hocus Pocus for the 10th Sunday afternoon in a row.
20. Someone invites you on a weekend mountain trip.
21. You spot a white girl walking a dog that's wearing a vest or coat or scarf.
22. You take a jacket everywhere without even thinking about it.
23. Leaves fall. Get it? Cause fall.
24. You eat approximately 17 kinds of fried food at the State Fair.
25. Everywhere you look you see at least 10 white girls wearing yoga leggings, Uggs, a Victoria's Secret hoodie, and an infinity scarf holding a pumpkin spice latte and the latest iPhone and 1 white guy who is still wearing shorts and a t shirt.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Senior Year So Far -Brought to You By Buzzfeed*
Like all great plagiarists, I often imitate or adapt or completely rip off the style of some of my favorite writers. I would label my writing style as Carrie Bradshaw meets Chelsea Handler, and they don't really click so then Chelsea Handler goes off and has a catty conversation about it with David Sedaris. This week's post is the byproduct of those chance celeb encounters, and by that I mean it's basically me ranting about how my senior year of college has gone so far. As a testament to the student mindset that I'm by some miracle in possession of, I'm going to outline the 3 main themes of this post to make it easier to study later. 1-Don't trust these profs. 2-Study, study, study let's all win trivia. And 3-How to not sit in my seat in one easy step.
1. Don't trust these profs.
I'm not sure what leader in the education world decided it was a good idea to have students teach other students, but I hope he got fired before he got tenured. In elementary, middle and high school I appreciated this strategy because teaching something helps you learn the material a lot better, and presenting to the class was generally a project or group assignment. But now that I'm in college it just feels like doing my professors' jobs for them.
I don't mind leading a discussion or giving literary analysis in front of the class every now and then, but preparing a presentation and lecturing on the text book? It's difficult to look my religion professor in the face after that one. He's gotta be making well over 100 grand a year and wants me to do his job for him? My mother is a fifth grade teacher, so she gets paid a lot less for actually teaching her class herself instead of farming it out to the students. And she is spending her hard-earned salary to send me to college so I can teach myself and the whole class about characteristics of Vishnu portrayed in the Ramayana and the Mahabharata instead of learning from a professional? I barely even know how to spell Mahabharata! Yeesh.
2. Study, study, study let's all win trivia.
So far this school year I have devoted more time to studying for bar trivia nights than actual classes and tests.
And I regret nothing.
Allow me to explain. The bar we attend Trivia Tuesday at always has a round called "This Day in History" so it's not a gamble to study. It's a sure thing. I could spend hours studying Persian literature and then be quizzed on Arabian architecture instead. But I know good and well, every Tuesday when I go to Goodfellows for trivia, there are going to be at least 5 questions on other events that have happened on that day.
If I do say so myself, I'm a pretty solid trivia team member. This is mainly due to the fact that the winners get bar credit and I don't drink, so there is one less person to share in the spoils of victory. Also, I know things sometimes.
3. How to not sit in my seat in one easy step.
Spoiler alert! The one step is DON'T SIT IN MY SEAT.
Sitting in my seat is quite literally the fastest way to make me hate you. If it's the second day of class and we're in a classroom where I haven't already formed a committed relationship with a specific seat, I can overlook it. But once we're past the third week of classes, I really need you to not.
Almost every classroom has them. The nomads. They wander to a different seat every day, not caring at all about the lives they're uprooting. They have no respect for the well-established principle that 847 out of 848 students have a seat they always sit in.
I almost understand it. College. No assigned seats. No rules. Don't let it go to your heads people! Please, for the love of my education, if nothing else. When you sit in my seat and you have no seat of your own, I have to sit in someone's seat. You force me to become the person I hate the most! And the cycle just repeats itself until you have single-handedly ruined everyone's life.
My question to those of you who sit in other people's seats all willy-nilly is why do you enjoy ruining lives? Did your parents not give you your own seat at the dinner table when you were younger? Are you bitter that after being the baby for years, your younger brother was given the seat next to mommy and you had to sit in the corner? I would recommend you see a therapist immediately to work those issues out with professional help instead of taking your anger out on innocent students such as myself. A little couch time goes a long way. My therapist, who declined to comment for this post, is my best friend, no matter how many times she politely requests that I not call her that.
So fellow college students, I know you're all busy procrastinating right now, but please take some time to read this. Especially number three. You know who you are. Don't let it happen again.
*I have often stated that Wikipedia is the official sponsor of my collegiate career and while that is still very true, Buzzfeed makes for a more appropriate sponsor for my senior year. This is mainly because a lot of my classes have attendance components even though I'm actually 21 years old and I would assume capable of making my own decisions. I would also like to add that in my defense, I never really skip class I just sometimes have to strategically miss class, which is completely different. In any event, my attendance in mandatory classes would absolutely not be possible without Buzzfeed. So thank you Buzzfeed, I couldn't do it without you.
1. Don't trust these profs.
I'm not sure what leader in the education world decided it was a good idea to have students teach other students, but I hope he got fired before he got tenured. In elementary, middle and high school I appreciated this strategy because teaching something helps you learn the material a lot better, and presenting to the class was generally a project or group assignment. But now that I'm in college it just feels like doing my professors' jobs for them.
I don't mind leading a discussion or giving literary analysis in front of the class every now and then, but preparing a presentation and lecturing on the text book? It's difficult to look my religion professor in the face after that one. He's gotta be making well over 100 grand a year and wants me to do his job for him? My mother is a fifth grade teacher, so she gets paid a lot less for actually teaching her class herself instead of farming it out to the students. And she is spending her hard-earned salary to send me to college so I can teach myself and the whole class about characteristics of Vishnu portrayed in the Ramayana and the Mahabharata instead of learning from a professional? I barely even know how to spell Mahabharata! Yeesh.
2. Study, study, study let's all win trivia.
So far this school year I have devoted more time to studying for bar trivia nights than actual classes and tests.
And I regret nothing.
Allow me to explain. The bar we attend Trivia Tuesday at always has a round called "This Day in History" so it's not a gamble to study. It's a sure thing. I could spend hours studying Persian literature and then be quizzed on Arabian architecture instead. But I know good and well, every Tuesday when I go to Goodfellows for trivia, there are going to be at least 5 questions on other events that have happened on that day.
If I do say so myself, I'm a pretty solid trivia team member. This is mainly due to the fact that the winners get bar credit and I don't drink, so there is one less person to share in the spoils of victory. Also, I know things sometimes.
3. How to not sit in my seat in one easy step.
Spoiler alert! The one step is DON'T SIT IN MY SEAT.
Sitting in my seat is quite literally the fastest way to make me hate you. If it's the second day of class and we're in a classroom where I haven't already formed a committed relationship with a specific seat, I can overlook it. But once we're past the third week of classes, I really need you to not.
Almost every classroom has them. The nomads. They wander to a different seat every day, not caring at all about the lives they're uprooting. They have no respect for the well-established principle that 847 out of 848 students have a seat they always sit in.
I almost understand it. College. No assigned seats. No rules. Don't let it go to your heads people! Please, for the love of my education, if nothing else. When you sit in my seat and you have no seat of your own, I have to sit in someone's seat. You force me to become the person I hate the most! And the cycle just repeats itself until you have single-handedly ruined everyone's life.
My question to those of you who sit in other people's seats all willy-nilly is why do you enjoy ruining lives? Did your parents not give you your own seat at the dinner table when you were younger? Are you bitter that after being the baby for years, your younger brother was given the seat next to mommy and you had to sit in the corner? I would recommend you see a therapist immediately to work those issues out with professional help instead of taking your anger out on innocent students such as myself. A little couch time goes a long way. My therapist, who declined to comment for this post, is my best friend, no matter how many times she politely requests that I not call her that.
So fellow college students, I know you're all busy procrastinating right now, but please take some time to read this. Especially number three. You know who you are. Don't let it happen again.
*I have often stated that Wikipedia is the official sponsor of my collegiate career and while that is still very true, Buzzfeed makes for a more appropriate sponsor for my senior year. This is mainly because a lot of my classes have attendance components even though I'm actually 21 years old and I would assume capable of making my own decisions. I would also like to add that in my defense, I never really skip class I just sometimes have to strategically miss class, which is completely different. In any event, my attendance in mandatory classes would absolutely not be possible without Buzzfeed. So thank you Buzzfeed, I couldn't do it without you.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
#BrittanyGoesWest
Last Friday I attended a bachelorette party...
Most of the evening was fairly tame. I only recently experienced bachelorette parties firsthand so my expectations were mainly based on what I had gathered from movies. When I arrived at the hotel room and saw that there were no strippers or cocaine I was a little confused as to what we would spend all evening doing.
This party consisted of 7 women, all white girls at heart, so there were multiple phone calls back and forth about what everyone was wearing and then still a ridiculous amount of wardrobe changes before we got everyone out the door. The bridesmaids all wore black sashes that I keep trying to incorporate into my every day attire but to no a-veil (see what I did there?) as well as huge pink rings. The rings closely resemble ring pops in shape and color, but not taste. And the bride-to-be wore a colorful tutu and veil with her sash and crown. Brittany looked kind of like Betsey Johnson threw up on her. Meanwhile, my cousin Kelsey sported an olive Michael Kors jumpsuit that resembles what Paula Abdul will likely be buried in.
We take this hot mess express to a wings restaurant in 2 separate cars to throw the paparazzi off our trail. We proceed to cause a scene, being a bridal party and what not. We have the waiters take our pictures, we drink out of...straws...I make Tiffany take selfies with me, and then bingo starts. Apparently they have changed bingo since I was a kid because this was more like 80s music power hour, which was AWESOME. Kelsey did the running man and basically just looked like Kristen Wiig dancing in her seat all night. They played Come On Eileen. I think that sentence alone sums up how fantastic dinner was. Anytime I hear that song, I am the scene in Perks of Being A Wallflower where Emma Watson says "they're actually playing good music!" And no, I don't mean I'm Emma Watson, I mean I am the entire scene. Emma. Ezra Miller. The punch bowl. The gym floor. All of it.
So then the hot mess express heads to the comedy club. This portion of the evening was relatively uneventful in that I was slightly less obnoxious because there were people being paid to do comedy right in front of us so I checked myself before I wrecked everything. The rest of the evening I considered it my personal responsibility to provide the entertainment. And provide it I did.
The ride home from the comedy club, which seems innocent enough, is where things really got interesting. First, we leave the comedy show to find that someone has stolen the bride-to-be flag from Brittany's car. Not the flag holder that attaches to the window, just the fabric triangle. Stay classy Raleigh. Somehow, I ended up driving all of my cousins home and the rest of the girls went with my aunt and the only other real adult.
Our task is simple enough, follow my aunt to Target. What you're not understanding is that my aunt learned to drive from my grandfather, who learned to drive from Tony Stewart I think. (Too soon?) So my job was to drive at least 10 over the speed limit and Kelsey's job was to keep my aunt's car in sight. That's right. SHE HAD ONE JOB. Needless to say we lose them, and look up directions to Target. When we get there we see that Super Target is super-closed so we look for a gas station. I know what you're thinking, how hard is it to come across a gas station in Raleigh, North Carolina? Don't do that. Don't judge. I eventually call a Sheetz to make sure they're open and tell the girl on the phone that I will see her in a few minutes.
On the way to Sheetz my aunt calls and asks if we're lost. Tiffany answers the phone.
"Oh hey, no we're not lost. It's crazy we just keep hitting every red light and also we're lost. But I have to go bye."
But eventually it all worked out and we all lived so that either makes the party a success or a failure, depends on who's judging.
I would like to add that at the point that my aunt called, wed been lost for quite some time. I almost wrecked more often than I threatened to stop the car if Tiffany didn't put her taser away (which was a lot) because I couldn't see out the back window due to Brittany's tutu and other bachelorette decorations.
So thanks for decorating the scene of our imminent deaths. Even in death, this family revolves around Brittany.
Most of the evening was fairly tame. I only recently experienced bachelorette parties firsthand so my expectations were mainly based on what I had gathered from movies. When I arrived at the hotel room and saw that there were no strippers or cocaine I was a little confused as to what we would spend all evening doing.
This party consisted of 7 women, all white girls at heart, so there were multiple phone calls back and forth about what everyone was wearing and then still a ridiculous amount of wardrobe changes before we got everyone out the door. The bridesmaids all wore black sashes that I keep trying to incorporate into my every day attire but to no a-veil (see what I did there?) as well as huge pink rings. The rings closely resemble ring pops in shape and color, but not taste. And the bride-to-be wore a colorful tutu and veil with her sash and crown. Brittany looked kind of like Betsey Johnson threw up on her. Meanwhile, my cousin Kelsey sported an olive Michael Kors jumpsuit that resembles what Paula Abdul will likely be buried in.
We take this hot mess express to a wings restaurant in 2 separate cars to throw the paparazzi off our trail. We proceed to cause a scene, being a bridal party and what not. We have the waiters take our pictures, we drink out of...straws...I make Tiffany take selfies with me, and then bingo starts. Apparently they have changed bingo since I was a kid because this was more like 80s music power hour, which was AWESOME. Kelsey did the running man and basically just looked like Kristen Wiig dancing in her seat all night. They played Come On Eileen. I think that sentence alone sums up how fantastic dinner was. Anytime I hear that song, I am the scene in Perks of Being A Wallflower where Emma Watson says "they're actually playing good music!" And no, I don't mean I'm Emma Watson, I mean I am the entire scene. Emma. Ezra Miller. The punch bowl. The gym floor. All of it.
So then the hot mess express heads to the comedy club. This portion of the evening was relatively uneventful in that I was slightly less obnoxious because there were people being paid to do comedy right in front of us so I checked myself before I wrecked everything. The rest of the evening I considered it my personal responsibility to provide the entertainment. And provide it I did.
The ride home from the comedy club, which seems innocent enough, is where things really got interesting. First, we leave the comedy show to find that someone has stolen the bride-to-be flag from Brittany's car. Not the flag holder that attaches to the window, just the fabric triangle. Stay classy Raleigh. Somehow, I ended up driving all of my cousins home and the rest of the girls went with my aunt and the only other real adult.
Our task is simple enough, follow my aunt to Target. What you're not understanding is that my aunt learned to drive from my grandfather, who learned to drive from Tony Stewart I think. (Too soon?) So my job was to drive at least 10 over the speed limit and Kelsey's job was to keep my aunt's car in sight. That's right. SHE HAD ONE JOB. Needless to say we lose them, and look up directions to Target. When we get there we see that Super Target is super-closed so we look for a gas station. I know what you're thinking, how hard is it to come across a gas station in Raleigh, North Carolina? Don't do that. Don't judge. I eventually call a Sheetz to make sure they're open and tell the girl on the phone that I will see her in a few minutes.
On the way to Sheetz my aunt calls and asks if we're lost. Tiffany answers the phone.
"Oh hey, no we're not lost. It's crazy we just keep hitting every red light and also we're lost. But I have to go bye."
But eventually it all worked out and we all lived so that either makes the party a success or a failure, depends on who's judging.
I would like to add that at the point that my aunt called, wed been lost for quite some time. I almost wrecked more often than I threatened to stop the car if Tiffany didn't put her taser away (which was a lot) because I couldn't see out the back window due to Brittany's tutu and other bachelorette decorations.
So thanks for decorating the scene of our imminent deaths. Even in death, this family revolves around Brittany.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
FTK All DM Day
So it's almost 11:00 on a Wednesday night and you're procrastinating by reading my blog. First, I appreciate that, and second, you should be procrastinating on http://www.uncmarathon.org/committee instead. UNC Dance Marathon committee applications are due this Friday. With 13 fabulous committees it can be tough deciding what to apply for, so I have compiled a committee guide for you to see which committee would be your best fit. Think of it as online dating, but completely different. If you read through these condensed committee descriptions and still can't decide, I have included the celebrity who best fits each committee because sometimes I like to make my choices by asking myself what Miranda Lambert would do.
Campus Fundraising
If you are able to attend a bar night without getting wasted and never pass up a pasta dinner then CampFun would love to have you!
Celeb Committee Member - Katy Perry
Community Outreach
If you're really good at not cursing for hours on end and feigning interest in the ramblings of second graders then Outreach may be the committee for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Taylor Swift
Corporate Marketing
If you look great in 3 piece suits and have always been mature for your age, then you are definitely not me. But you also could be great for CoMa!
Celeb Committee Member - Ryan Seacrest
Donor Development
If you're great at keeping relationships going and love getting mail you should apply for DD! You should also contact me personally because I have a lot of questions for you.
Celeb Committee Member - Sarah Jessica Parker
Entertainment
If you have a great taste in music without being a hipster who thinks they "discovered" the Avett Brothers
Celeb Committee Member - Ed Sheeran
Event Donations
If you love giving gifts and feel comfortable asking people to give you their favorite belongings, you would be a great committee member for EvDO!
Celeb Committee Member - Oprah
Finance
If you're good with money, excelled in selling anything door to door, and don't mind that metal smell you get on your hands after handling change, then you should apply for Finance! Also apply if you don't mind that Finance has no catchy nickname!
Celeb Committee Member - Bill Gates
Fundraising Projects
If you have ever designed a logo or shirt or anything and know how to make sales without sounding like a mall kiosk worker then FundProj is a great fit for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Lauren Conrad
Hospital
If you've had your tear ducts removed and are therefore capable of not bursting into tears whenever you're in a hospital, then you should apply for Hospital!
Celeb Committee Member - Kristen Stewart (she has no emotions)
Morale & Recruitment
If you're one of my favorite people in the world and let your freak flag fly because your quirks have their own quirks and you have enough energy to fight off 10 horses the size of ducks, then you should totally apply for Morale!
Celeb Committee Member - Cara Delevingne
Operations
If you can move heavy objects or have a talent for working with duct tape for hours on end without completely losing the mobility in your hands then Ops would be perfect for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Zac Efron
Publicity
If you can handle social media without acting like my brother (see Stop Patrick 2k14), Pub would really appreciate your help!
Celeb Committee Member - Lady Gaga
Supply and Logistics
If you love food and have no shame in asking for it, and any other random items that may catch your fancy, you could work wonders on SnL!
Celeb Committee Member - Jennifer Lawrence
If you for some reason do not attend UNC, find out if your school has a dance marathon. When it comes to applying for committees, dancing or supporting a dance marathon in general, there is no wrong choice.
For the Kids.
Campus Fundraising
If you are able to attend a bar night without getting wasted and never pass up a pasta dinner then CampFun would love to have you!
Celeb Committee Member - Katy Perry
Community Outreach
If you're really good at not cursing for hours on end and feigning interest in the ramblings of second graders then Outreach may be the committee for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Taylor Swift
Corporate Marketing
If you look great in 3 piece suits and have always been mature for your age, then you are definitely not me. But you also could be great for CoMa!
Celeb Committee Member - Ryan Seacrest
Donor Development
If you're great at keeping relationships going and love getting mail you should apply for DD! You should also contact me personally because I have a lot of questions for you.
Celeb Committee Member - Sarah Jessica Parker
Entertainment
If you have a great taste in music without being a hipster who thinks they "discovered" the Avett Brothers
Celeb Committee Member - Ed Sheeran
Event Donations
If you love giving gifts and feel comfortable asking people to give you their favorite belongings, you would be a great committee member for EvDO!
Celeb Committee Member - Oprah
Finance
If you're good with money, excelled in selling anything door to door, and don't mind that metal smell you get on your hands after handling change, then you should apply for Finance! Also apply if you don't mind that Finance has no catchy nickname!
Celeb Committee Member - Bill Gates
Fundraising Projects
If you have ever designed a logo or shirt or anything and know how to make sales without sounding like a mall kiosk worker then FundProj is a great fit for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Lauren Conrad
Hospital
If you've had your tear ducts removed and are therefore capable of not bursting into tears whenever you're in a hospital, then you should apply for Hospital!
Celeb Committee Member - Kristen Stewart (she has no emotions)
Morale & Recruitment
If you're one of my favorite people in the world and let your freak flag fly because your quirks have their own quirks and you have enough energy to fight off 10 horses the size of ducks, then you should totally apply for Morale!
Celeb Committee Member - Cara Delevingne
Operations
If you can move heavy objects or have a talent for working with duct tape for hours on end without completely losing the mobility in your hands then Ops would be perfect for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Zac Efron
Publicity
If you can handle social media without acting like my brother (see Stop Patrick 2k14), Pub would really appreciate your help!
Celeb Committee Member - Lady Gaga
Supply and Logistics
If you love food and have no shame in asking for it, and any other random items that may catch your fancy, you could work wonders on SnL!
Celeb Committee Member - Jennifer Lawrence
If you for some reason do not attend UNC, find out if your school has a dance marathon. When it comes to applying for committees, dancing or supporting a dance marathon in general, there is no wrong choice.
For the Kids.
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