I'm sure you all know growing up sucks, so that's not what this post is about. This week marks the third week I have been home from college for the summer. These past three weeks have mainly consisted of crying, longing for the days I was back at school, and wishing August would come sooner. My parents have considered therapy to help them deal with those feelings.
I have been reminiscing on my younger days since I've been home and I realized that after Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, I probably had the third best childhood in America. I could shorten today's post to two words if I had to: hit clips. But I will go into further detail about all of the things that made my nineties childhood (and probably yours) awesome.
I think one of the first concepts I learned as a child was the drastic difference between "home" and "Grandma's house." At home, I was Cinderella. Between washing the dishes once a week and being asked to do countless chores ("move your feet so I can vacuum" and "come let me cut your hair") I felt like my parents only wanted a child so they would have a servant. But when I went to my grandparents' house...it was a whole different world. I was finally being treated like the princess I always knew I was.
At home, if I were to spill a drop of water my parents would freak out and continue to bring up the incident frequently over the next twenty years.
Examples:
"Wow, I almost just spilled my glass of water! But that's your job, isn't it?"
"Looks like rain tomorrow. Remember when you spilled water all over the new carpet?"
"Goodnight. Don't spill any water in your sleep!"
But at my grandparents' house, I could spill a can of red paint all over the walls and carpet and my sweet grandma would probably say "That's okay sweetie, I know it was an accident, we can repaint the house it's no problem." They would probably then feel bad that I felt bad and bake me cookies or buy me something.
Needless to say I spent as much time as possible at my grandparents' house growing up. I was their first grandchild, which probably explains why they never told me "no" or "I don't want to watch The Little Mermaid again" or "you don't need a fifth ice cream cone."
Hit clips cannot be overlooked in discussing why my childhood was awesome. Hit clips were to my preteen years what insulin is to a diabetic. When I walked into a store listening to 90 seconds of my favorite songs, I felt like the height of sophistication. With my hit clip player clipped onto a belt loop, I thought I could easily pass for eleven. I still have my hit clips in my bedroom, the best of NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, and Aaron Carter just waiting for my little cousins (non-nineties kids) to appreciate them.
As every true nineties kid knows, all of my best movies are on VHS. But of course my parents didn't buy me the Disney princess movies or other twentieth century classics like The Fox and the Hound, Lion King, and Robin Hood. Luckily, my aunt had all the right movies. My summers were spent watching the Aristocats, Pocahontas, The Rescuers, and the Land Before Time to name a few. You just don't know pure joy until you've seen Fern Gully. Am I right? To this day, my VCR is my most-prized possession, like my own private time machine that takes me back to the days of Toy Story and Thumbelina. Now if only I could locate my View-Master.
A few days ago I decided to jump on my old trampoline. Like most all-American playthings it was likely made in China, but I gambled and hoped it was, in the words of Destiny's Child, "ready for this jelly." And although there were several near death experiences during which my life bounced before my eyes, it was. Just like a decade ago, I do some of my best thinking on the trampoline. While I was jumping I realized that this is the third trampoline we've had. Apparently, while my parents didn't feel the need to buy me Disney movies, every time a trampoline broke they got me a new one. And I think that makes them pretty awesome.
P.S.-There was one part of my childhood that has no silver lining. My mother gave away my Easy Bake Oven. Just gave it away. Disgusting.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Why Every Girl Needs a Lobotomy
Because I have inside knowledge, what with me being a female and all, I can tell you from personal experience that girls think about some of the dumbest things. And we can dwell on these things FOR-EV-ER. I once spent an entire weekend contemplating the pros and cons of switching from orange, pineapple, banana juice to pineapple, orange, banana juice. Let me tell you...there's a big difference. This week I am making a list of some of the dumbest notions to ever cross my mind available to anyone with an internet connection. But if you still need proof that all girls should be given one free lobotomy...read on.
Stupid Thoughts That Have Crossed My Mind Because I'm a Girl
(I am ashamed of some of these and oddly proud of a few.)
"I hate her. She's so pretty."
"Career aspirations? I'm gonna be a trophy wife. Duh."
'If I get my gallbladder removed, I can lose 3 pounds."
"If I sell a kidney on the black market, I can lose 2 pounds and make money!"
"I want to form a Spice Girls tribute band."
"There's something I don't like about her. I think it's her face."
"Ugh I'm having a bad eyelash day."
"Why do I have a lazy eyebrow?"
"He hasn't texted me back in over 5 minutes. That's it. He hates me."
"Does this nail polish make my fingers look fat?"
"Shopping burns lots of calories."
"Do these shoes make me look fat?"
"I wanna be a gypsy."
"I could watch Lifetime all day."
"Does my hairline make me look fat?"
"I think Mean Girls is about my life."
"I could so be a Disney Princess."
"How does football even work?"
"Why is baseball on TV 11 months out of the year?"
"Do these Spanx make me look fat?"
"I can't open this. I might break a nail."
"Does my eye color make me look fat?"
"My ear piercings are so uneven."
"My celebrity look alike is Mr. Potato Head."
Stupid Thoughts That Have Crossed My Mind Because I'm a Girl
(I am ashamed of some of these and oddly proud of a few.)
"I hate her. She's so pretty."
"Career aspirations? I'm gonna be a trophy wife. Duh."
'If I get my gallbladder removed, I can lose 3 pounds."
"If I sell a kidney on the black market, I can lose 2 pounds and make money!"
"I want to form a Spice Girls tribute band."
"There's something I don't like about her. I think it's her face."
"Ugh I'm having a bad eyelash day."
"Why do I have a lazy eyebrow?"
"He hasn't texted me back in over 5 minutes. That's it. He hates me."
"Does this nail polish make my fingers look fat?"
"Shopping burns lots of calories."
"Do these shoes make me look fat?"
"I wanna be a gypsy."
"I could watch Lifetime all day."
"Does my hairline make me look fat?"
"I think Mean Girls is about my life."
"I could so be a Disney Princess."
"How does football even work?"
"Why is baseball on TV 11 months out of the year?"
"Do these Spanx make me look fat?"
"I can't open this. I might break a nail."
"Does my eye color make me look fat?"
"My ear piercings are so uneven."
"My celebrity look alike is Mr. Potato Head."
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I Suck. Sorry.
I want to start off by apologizing for not posting last week. And understand that I went back and forth about issuing an apology. If I say I'm sorry for not posting and it turns out there are only two people reading my blog and they are both related to me, that's just embarrassing. But if I don't apologize, I'm a jerk. So I'm placing my relationship with blog viewers who may or may not exist above my reputation and self-image. You're welcome.
And another thing...you might be thinking, "Oh, she finished her sophomore year of college last week and was moving back home, there was a lot going on, that's why she didn't post." Not true. I was so sleep-deprived from finals and moving and studying and driving and packing and all the things that I literally did not know what day it was until Wednesday was over. So there.
To make up for last week, I am just going to make this week's post extra-awesome, if that is even possible. Here's a try. Following is a list of signs that you are addicted to shopping. I have experienced each of these. In the past week.
You Know You Have a Shopping Problem When:
You try to purchase an item you are currently wearing in a different color.
You can't tell which fits better, so you buy something in 2 different sizes.
You start buying things that aren't your size because it's a deal.
You buy birthday, Christmas, wedding, and baby shower gifts months in advance.
You start giving presents on made up holidays like Chinese New Year and Boxing Day.
You've exhausted the clothing deals so you start buying cooking equipment and home goods.
You get a second job so you can shop more.
Whenever a friend asks if you want to hang out you assume that means shopping.
You drive to another state to shop.
You crave mall food.
You get a binder for your coupons.
You sell old things online to buy new things.
You say things like "If I don't buy groceries this week, I can go shopping."
You have to move something with price tags still on it to fit more new stuff in your closet.
You keep a strapless bra in your purse at all times for trying on dresses and tank tops.
The sales associates at Victoria's Secret and TJ Maxx know you by name and credit card number.
You memorize the phone number of your bank from moving money from savings to checking often.
You keep protein bars in your purse so you can shop for hours without getting tired.
You no longer need a calculator to figure out how much 20% off is.
You know where all the cleanest bathrooms are at your favorite malls and stores.
You add trophy wife to your list of career aspirations because then shopping would be your job.
Friends ask you to be their personal shopper.
Other customers think you work at Belk because they see you there so often.
Random Thought of the Week:
Has anyone else seen the new Pepsi commercials with Beyonce? They're terrible. They don't make me want a Pepsi. They make me want to kill myself because I know that I will never look like Beyonce. How much Pepsi can I buy when I'm dead? Think about it.
And another thing...you might be thinking, "Oh, she finished her sophomore year of college last week and was moving back home, there was a lot going on, that's why she didn't post." Not true. I was so sleep-deprived from finals and moving and studying and driving and packing and all the things that I literally did not know what day it was until Wednesday was over. So there.
To make up for last week, I am just going to make this week's post extra-awesome, if that is even possible. Here's a try. Following is a list of signs that you are addicted to shopping. I have experienced each of these. In the past week.
You Know You Have a Shopping Problem When:
You try to purchase an item you are currently wearing in a different color.
You can't tell which fits better, so you buy something in 2 different sizes.
You start buying things that aren't your size because it's a deal.
You buy birthday, Christmas, wedding, and baby shower gifts months in advance.
You start giving presents on made up holidays like Chinese New Year and Boxing Day.
You've exhausted the clothing deals so you start buying cooking equipment and home goods.
You get a second job so you can shop more.
Whenever a friend asks if you want to hang out you assume that means shopping.
You drive to another state to shop.
You crave mall food.
You get a binder for your coupons.
You sell old things online to buy new things.
You say things like "If I don't buy groceries this week, I can go shopping."
You have to move something with price tags still on it to fit more new stuff in your closet.
You keep a strapless bra in your purse at all times for trying on dresses and tank tops.
The sales associates at Victoria's Secret and TJ Maxx know you by name and credit card number.
You memorize the phone number of your bank from moving money from savings to checking often.
You keep protein bars in your purse so you can shop for hours without getting tired.
You no longer need a calculator to figure out how much 20% off is.
You know where all the cleanest bathrooms are at your favorite malls and stores.
You add trophy wife to your list of career aspirations because then shopping would be your job.
Friends ask you to be their personal shopper.
Other customers think you work at Belk because they see you there so often.
Random Thought of the Week:
Has anyone else seen the new Pepsi commercials with Beyonce? They're terrible. They don't make me want a Pepsi. They make me want to kill myself because I know that I will never look like Beyonce. How much Pepsi can I buy when I'm dead? Think about it.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
What I've Learned in College (Hint: It Wasn't in Class)
In honor of the collegiate school year coming to a close, I am
dedicating this week to what I have learned in my first two years of
college.
The following is a list of things that, since college, I have learned are really annoying. If you are offended by any of these, let me just say I don't apologize. You're annoying. Stop it.
NOTE: My opinions are always unsolicited and should never be taken seriously.
Fraternities and Sororities
-The curious thing about Greek life is I can't decide which group I hate more. I loathe the entire idea of hazing and the wardrobes and attitudes of frat guys. But I also particularly abhor Lilly Pulitzer, Jack Rogers, and compulsive monogramming. So it's a tie.
People Talking During Class
-Believe it or not, I come to class to listen to what the professor has to say, not what you have to say. The only time I ever spoke in my Public Relations class was to tell the 2 girls in front of me to shut up. How's that for PR?
People Standing in the Middle of Sidewalks
-They're called sideWALKS not sidestands. There are lovely patches of grass, benches, restaurants and dorm rooms where you can catch up with people. Please note sidewalks are generally used by people who are walking because they have somewhere to be, not because they are wandering around looking for people to talk to.
Slow Walkers
-2 words. The worst. I'm really happy that you have the time to take a leisurely stroll, but most of us have somewhere to be.
People Stopping in Doorways
-May I just ask, how exactly do you expect people to get through the doorway while you are standing in it? If you can get into college you should be able to understand this concept. So either you're an idiot for not getting it or a jerk for not caring. Which is it?
People Sitting in Your Seat
-Most people have a seat, or a general section of the room, that they sit in everyday. Unfortunately, if one person sits in someone else's seat, it can ruin that class period for many others. If I sit here, every day, why would you want to mess that up? Why are you so rude? You can't sit with us!
People Saving Seats in Class
-That being said, it is ok to have a specific seat. It is not okay to save a seat for your friend. This is college, not kindergarten. In most classes you can't even talk to one another anyway. Please put on your big girl panties before you come to class and learn how to sit on your own.
People Who Stand at the Bottom or Tops of Escalators
-Like many other things on this list, standing at the bottom or top of an escalator should be an obvious faux pas. If you stand at the bottom or top of an escalator you are obviously not smart enough to use an escalator, so why are you even near one?
People Who Get to Class Early and Sit at the Ends of Rows
-Do you want people to have to push past you every few seconds for the next ten minutes? If you get to class before everyone else, sit somewhere where you're not going to be in everyone's way. It's called a win-win.
Wannabe Hipsters
-Hipsters are totally cool, if and only if that's who you really are. Pretending to be a hipster because you think it's a good look makes me wanna barf all over your plaid scarf and burlap Toms.
People Who Participate in Class
-I still don't understand why some college students feel the need to speak up in every single class session. We get it. You think you're really smart. You want to sound like you know everything. Whatever. One thing you don't know is that the professor finds you just as annoying as the rest of us do.
People Who Do the Assigned Reading
-Now for the most part, there are two types of people. People who don't do the reading and liars. But in some rare cases, there are students who do all of the reading for a class. And they need to know that everyone hates them. You may make the rest of us look bad, but you make yourself look worse.
Bicyclists
-Again, two types of people in the world. Pedestrians and drivers. The only thing they have in common? A hatred of cyclists. Cyclists are the one transportation subgroup that somehow manages to get in everyone's way.
The following is a list of things that, since college, I have learned are really annoying. If you are offended by any of these, let me just say I don't apologize. You're annoying. Stop it.
NOTE: My opinions are always unsolicited and should never be taken seriously.
Fraternities and Sororities
-The curious thing about Greek life is I can't decide which group I hate more. I loathe the entire idea of hazing and the wardrobes and attitudes of frat guys. But I also particularly abhor Lilly Pulitzer, Jack Rogers, and compulsive monogramming. So it's a tie.
People Talking During Class
-Believe it or not, I come to class to listen to what the professor has to say, not what you have to say. The only time I ever spoke in my Public Relations class was to tell the 2 girls in front of me to shut up. How's that for PR?
People Standing in the Middle of Sidewalks
-They're called sideWALKS not sidestands. There are lovely patches of grass, benches, restaurants and dorm rooms where you can catch up with people. Please note sidewalks are generally used by people who are walking because they have somewhere to be, not because they are wandering around looking for people to talk to.
Slow Walkers
-2 words. The worst. I'm really happy that you have the time to take a leisurely stroll, but most of us have somewhere to be.
People Stopping in Doorways
-May I just ask, how exactly do you expect people to get through the doorway while you are standing in it? If you can get into college you should be able to understand this concept. So either you're an idiot for not getting it or a jerk for not caring. Which is it?
People Sitting in Your Seat
-Most people have a seat, or a general section of the room, that they sit in everyday. Unfortunately, if one person sits in someone else's seat, it can ruin that class period for many others. If I sit here, every day, why would you want to mess that up? Why are you so rude? You can't sit with us!
People Saving Seats in Class
-That being said, it is ok to have a specific seat. It is not okay to save a seat for your friend. This is college, not kindergarten. In most classes you can't even talk to one another anyway. Please put on your big girl panties before you come to class and learn how to sit on your own.
People Who Stand at the Bottom or Tops of Escalators
-Like many other things on this list, standing at the bottom or top of an escalator should be an obvious faux pas. If you stand at the bottom or top of an escalator you are obviously not smart enough to use an escalator, so why are you even near one?
People Who Get to Class Early and Sit at the Ends of Rows
-Do you want people to have to push past you every few seconds for the next ten minutes? If you get to class before everyone else, sit somewhere where you're not going to be in everyone's way. It's called a win-win.
Wannabe Hipsters
-Hipsters are totally cool, if and only if that's who you really are. Pretending to be a hipster because you think it's a good look makes me wanna barf all over your plaid scarf and burlap Toms.
People Who Participate in Class
-I still don't understand why some college students feel the need to speak up in every single class session. We get it. You think you're really smart. You want to sound like you know everything. Whatever. One thing you don't know is that the professor finds you just as annoying as the rest of us do.
People Who Do the Assigned Reading
-Now for the most part, there are two types of people. People who don't do the reading and liars. But in some rare cases, there are students who do all of the reading for a class. And they need to know that everyone hates them. You may make the rest of us look bad, but you make yourself look worse.
Bicyclists
-Again, two types of people in the world. Pedestrians and drivers. The only thing they have in common? A hatred of cyclists. Cyclists are the one transportation subgroup that somehow manages to get in everyone's way.
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