Here's the NativiTEA

In the beginning, there were taxes. Little Caesar decided to tax the entire world. He was hot and ready for some money. This was before PayPal and Venmo so everyone had to go to their hometown to pay taxes. And you thought high school reunions couldn't get any worse.

So ya boy Joseph did some ancestry.com and turns out, he was from the line of David. So he needed to go to Bethlehem to pay his taxes. But there were no Ubers, so this was a long and stressful journey. Kind of like a trip to Walmart during a holiday weekend.

No one likes to road trip alone (except for drifter serial killers and even then Henry Lee Lucas brought a plus one) so he brought his fiancée Mary. Now Mary was pregnant - which was quite the scandal - but the voice of God determined that Joseph was NOT the father. 

According to her Fitbit, Mary was due to give birth on the trip. Not ideal because her OB-GYN was not from the line of David, they weren't really familiar with the hospitals in the area but what can you do? 

Joseph did not make the Holiday Inn reservations when Mary told him to so there were no vacancies when they arrived. I mean it was Christmas Eve after all, what did he expect? Men. Airbnb wasn't in the area yet so they stayed in a barn. Not like the rehabilitated rustic country chic barns that people are getting married in lately but like. A barn barn. Animals included. 

Mary gave birth to a baby boy and they DIYed some blankets and a crib for him. Meanwhile, there were some shepherds working third shift nearby. God sent an angel to tell them about the birth because visiting hours at the barn were almost over and He didn't want them to miss it.

The shepherds were terrified because they had never seen an angel before they had only heard about them on reddit conspiracy theory subs. So the angel told them not to be afraid because it was good news - the savior was born in Bethlehem. And now they were the first to know about it. Take that WikiLeaks. 

The shepherds were like we gotta check that out. As Instagram influencers it is our duty to report back #update #itsaboy #capricornszn. So they headed to the barn as fast as they could, snapped some cute selfies and shared with all of their followers.

After that things got REAL.*

 S  E  A  S  O  N  S   G  R  E  E  T  I  N  G  S  ! 

Christmas

Hanukkah

Non-denominational


*Loosely based on Luke chapter 2.

Real Housewives of ???

It was recently announced at BravoCon that a new city was joining the Real Housewives franchise. 2020 will give us an in-depth look at the social scene of Salt Lake City. Many fans were confused at the location choice but if this is going to feature Mormon mommy bloggers I am all for it. Imagine all the trips and shopping and lunch dates we will see when the housewives aren't burdened with childcare. How much free time would you have if you could hand your kids off to a sister wife?

Now if it's just ladies skiing...I imagine it going downhill (LOL) fast. So I have come up with a list of suggestions for new cities that I think would be a ton of fun. Andrew Joseph Cohen - if you're reading this - call me. I'm happy to pitch any of these.


Picture it. Everyone is trying to get their big break into showbiz. Watch as 5 to 7 white women juggle vocal lessons, dance class and probably plastic surgery. It's Mozart in the Ozarks in this musical city. Someone's husband is an acrobat, but watch what happens when he's caught contorting with another woman! Who will have tearful breakdown in line for zip lining?

Best Tagline: I'm a triple threat. I sing, I dance and I shop!


How many pairs of Hunter rain boots does a housewife need? Only one way to find out...filming in Portland! Gossip over cold brew, Voodoo Doughnut catered parties and some soccer guest stars? Instead of designer shopping sprees watch as the ladies scour local thrift stores for Doc Martens and mason jars. When one of the women starts using honey again, the other vegans shame her to shreds.

Best Tagline: All Oregon Trails lead to me!


Just imagine all the debauchery that would go on as the girls hit up NASCAR races together. Who will be left out of the group trip to Disney World? Who will have a fling with a spring breaker boy toy after her husband cheats? One thing’s for sure. You can count on plenty of white women, white sand and white lies.

Best Tagline: I left my checkered past behind for checkered flags!


Think of all the casseroles. And the cheese. And the dairy drama when someone’s kid doesn’t get into the best Catholic school in Wiscansin (not a typo) on a 4H scholarship. I watched Kyle cater formal events with Fatburger for years I think I’ve earned some Culver’s screen time. Faith, family, football and fake teeth.

Best Tagline: I'm not cheesy, but my cooking is!



And it's only drag queens. I'm tuning in. Apparently Provincetown, Massachusetts hosts some of the best drag queens every summer. Provincetown has open town meetings like Gilmore Girls and is located at the tip of Cape Cod, giving me some Berzerkshires vibes. Just imagine housewives bidding against each other for unique pieces from Provincetown’s vibrant art scene. This season, the library is open.

Best Tagline: Of all the housewives, I’m the LGBTCutest.


I know what you're thinking, another hipster housewives? But no. RHOA2 will feature pageant moms. Universal Royalty headquarters hosts a ton of pageant moms annually. Shopping for glamorous girly gowns together turns ugly when you all want the last pink cupcake dress. The new housewife refuses to go glitz, fan favorite is pregnant again but...it's another boy! Save the drama for your pageant mama.

Best Tagline: I won't let anyone judge me, but my kids are fair game.


This is an obvious choice, right? Bachelorette parties every weekend, album releases, bar crawls and some drunken bike rides by the Cumberland River. You though the Predators’ hockey fights were brutal? Wait until you see a housewife get called a wannabe Reba. The claws and the insults are coming out.

Best Tagline: These boots were made for walkin’...not trash talkin’.

Rachel Daniel Makes Oreo Truffles (and More Importantly...A Mess)*

Ho ho holiday treats! Today is a tutorial on one of my favorites...oreo truffles! I was first introduced to these at a Bible study in college. I was on my fourth one of the evening when the other girls started talking about how good they were but you couldn't eat many since they were so rich. Um...WWJD? Isaiah 5:9 - if you are willing & obedient you will eat the good things of the land. Amen.

So I started making my own and they were a big hit! Oreo truffles can be a real pain to make but with only 3 (or 4 if you're not on a diet and want to add sprinkles) ingredients, there was always room for them in my college student budget.

And now there's room for them in my teacher budget. Speaking of which, the end of this video gets a little out of sync. The video is doing a sprint but the audio is running a marathon. Sorry about that. If I knew how to fix it I would be working for an IT company and making lots of dollars and this video would be about truffle caviar.

I will go through the steps like a food blog and you can watch the video at the end if you want additional commentary.

We begin our journey with some oreos. Or as a professional food writer would say, a base layer of solidified heavy whipping cream nestled between two cocoa bean wafers.

Next you crush them up. I buy a family size pack and then use like 5/6s of it. Also. And I cannot stress this enough. Double stuf.

Now we add the second ingredient. The cream cheese. Allow the cream cheese to sit at room temperature for 30 min or so before you try to mix the crushed oreos into it. Fair warning...your arm will be sore after.

When you get it all mixed together, or "incorporated" as Giada would say, it should look like this. Which is kinda gross. My pro tip is to put this concoction in the fridge or freezer for a bit before you start shaping them into balls.

My other pro tip is to use a cookie or ice cream scoop if at all possible because I used to roll these bad boys in my bare hands and that just results in you losing half of the truffle each time due to surface area or some science & math thing.

Now you have a choice to make. Are you gonna be a pourer or a dunker? I remember when I was young and full of hope and would use a fondue skewer to dip each ball into a pot of melted chocolate, making sure to coat it entirely to leave a perfectly spherical mound of perfection. Those days are over now. I have adopted a strategy of lining them up on a cooling rack over a cookie sheet and spooning the melted chocolate on top.

 

This new process is still messy so I recommend keeping pets and small children out of the kitchen. I used Mako's biggest fears - the vacuum cleaner and the trash can - to keep him out of my way for this part. You need to melt some white chocolate/candy coating/almond bark/candle wax whatever you wanna call it. I add vegetable oil to mine to thin it out. Be careful when heating the chocolate because it is almost impossible. Pour or spoon the chocolate onto the oreo balls and decorate as desired.

Ta-da! Okay so these are not my best. The chocolate was not really cooperating. But once people taste them they don't normally have any issues with the appearance.

Here's the video if you are into Food Network style prepped ingredients and what not.
 


*if you're not getting the title reference...click here and thank me later

TikWhat?

I know that a lot of my readers (and fans in general) look to me for all the latest pop culture and social media trends.

You were there for so many of my hot takes on trends through the years:

• tiny sunglasses "why? I say the bigger the better, the less of my face you can see the better I look"
• Instagram "Twiter for the illiterate masses"
• crunchy peanut butter "peanuts exist in both solid (peanut) and liquid (peanut butter) form, just pick one"
• Reddit "the sole source of my will to live"
• paisley "literally why? if you want to look at cells on a microscopic level try biology, not fashion"

But there are some trends in technology that I just don't understand. Today I am going to explain a new viral phenomenon that I really know nothing about. And that's TikTok. Now I am not a TikTok connoisseur. What is the user base called? Clocks? I like Tic Tacs but according to my students that is unrelated.

To get my footing, I had some of my students write words related to TikTok and created a word map.

The thing that stands out to me here is that, based on the size of these words, several of my students felt that the terms "tik" and "tok" really described TikTok. Thanks guys.

Next I interviewed my brother. He's up to date on the electronic trends of the youths. I know this because he is constantly using phrases I don't understand like "pro-gamer move" and "what a bot" and "I have plans with my friends." So I asked him some questions about TikTok. My questions will be bold. And also they are the ones that end in question marks.


How old are you?
>15

Can you prove that?
>Yes

Are you familiar with TikTok?
>Yeah

Can I get more than a 1 word answer?
>No

Explain TikTok to me as if I'm a really stupid person.
>People post videos and stuff & other people see it and like it and follow each other.

How is this different from Instagram or Facebook?
>It's only videos. It's like Vine 2.0.

So did TikTok murder Vine so that it could steal the crown?
>No. There were a few years in between them.

Well there are 11 years between us but you still replaced me as Dad's favorite.
>That's tough.

Do you like TikTok?
>No

Why not?
>It's a lot of stupid dances.

And yet you love Fortnite...care to explain?
>It's different.

Disagree but okay.
>It's different because...

That's all we have time for.
>Are you leaving?

Yeah. Leaving this conversation.

That wasn't too helpful. He should definitely leave the teaching to me. I needed further info. So I interviewed a student that is apparently the queen of TikTok.


What do you make TikToks about?
>The dancing trends.

Who starts these dancing trends? Fred & Ginger?
>Who are Fred & Ginger?

What makes people famous on TikTok?
>Them being really pretty, you can be a bad dancer but if you're cute it's fine.

So I shouldn't make a TikTok?
>Yeah.

Do people make money off TikTok?
>Yeah they do.

How?
>They get sponsorships like influencers or paid by TikTok.

How does TikTok make money? Isn't it free?
>By like...the brand being popular.

Look, if you got paid for popularity...no, never mind, my life would pretty much be the same.
>Honestly how do they get paid? That's a good question.

Does TikTok have a time limit? Like can I make a 10 minute video explaining the differences between crows and ravens because I find that fascinating?
>I think it's like a minute.

How do you know who to follow?
>There's a "for you" page.

How do they know what to put on that page? Do you think they're working with the NSA?
>I think so.

Do I understand TikTok now? Not really. My big takeaway is that my students encouraged me to make TikToks which means it's probably a bad idea. I'll stick to Tic Tacs.