A Freudian Trip

So my therapist is moving.

I see her for (among other things) abandonment issues.

You can chuckle, it's okay.

The good news is that I will likely be able to continue to see her at a new location. She explained to me that she has a contract with her current office that forbids her from taking patients without good reason. Luckily, since this is my mental healthcare provider and not my hair dresser, she is allowed to make a case for taking me with her. Essentially...she has to explain to her boss that I am just the right level of insane and it is imperative that I be allowed to remain under her care yet out of the hospital. I offered to provide all of the evidence needed but she politely declined. Here's my interpretation - my therapist can put a franchise tag on me that says no other therapist can draft me. I'm like the Kirk Cousins of therapy, AKA...a pretty big deal.

Finding a new therapist is not easy. You have to find someone who takes your insurance, and when it comes to psychiatry you're lucky to find one who will file insurance at all. You might want to find someone who specializes in your age group, gender or mental health issue. You need to find someone who you mesh well with. For me, that means they have to be a girl. Because I just feel more comfortable with women, they can relate to certain situations I have to deal with better and what I'm not saying is that women are just better than men in almost every way.

I've never had a male therapist but based on past experiences I imagine that sessions would sound something like this...

Me: "Well I'm really stressed out at work because I have a lot on my plate..."

Mr. Therapist: *interrupts* "My job is harder."

Me: "It's not that it's too hard, I just don't have time..."

Mr. Therapist: *interrupts* "Let me explain to you how time works..."

And this should be a given but you really want a therapist who is well-versed in current psychological doctrines. I saw a therapist in Chapel Hill once (emphasis on once) who had the DSM-III proudly displayed in her office. The current edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is the DSM-5, so that would be like me teaching marketing based on how successful newspaper ads are. She also basically told me I was crazy. Um duhhh...that's why I'm here. Fix me! Her office was practically black and white, I swear. In an interesting twist of events I left the country and stopped returning her phone calls. It did feel good to be on the other side of unrequited attention for once.

I say all of this because I am so happy with my therapist now. I make her laugh, she makes me cry, we have a good thing going. I'm not sure if we're best friends yet but I would definitely ask her to be a bridesmaid in my imaginary wedding. I'd even let her pick her own bridesmaids dress because we're working on being flexible and delegating. My therapist (not gonna share her name because go find your own...if you want my ex's number sure, just leave my therapist alone), if you're reading this...click on ads! (And I love you.)

May is mental health awareness month. I have shared some of my mental health journey (as they say on The Bachelor) and therapy experiences mainly to help myself (¯\_(ツ)_/¯) but some people have reached out and let me know that it helped them too. So if you want to comment on this or share it or use it to open a dialogue about mental health with someone important to you or pass it along to a friend who's in publishing, go for it!

Love others.
Love yourself.
Love Jason Momoa.

Princess Protection Program

Many of my close friends and loved ones were glued to their televisions last weekend watching coverage of the royal wedding. Since the only royal wedding I am interested in involves Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldi, PrinCESS of Genovia, I did not tune in.

But this morning I came across an article on Buzzfeed, as one does, about what Meghan Markle can no longer do now that she is part of the British royal family. I read through this list and honestly, I'm relieved Prince Harry didn't propose to me because I think I would have had to turn him down.

Let's review everything forbidden to the Duchess of Sussex and consider the possibility of the conclusion I myself have jumped to...the queen is a jealous player hater.

1. Social Media
As a teacher I have to have my personal social media accounts on private and that is torture enough. Not even being allowed access to my own personal account? That sounds like the type of healthy and mature decision I would never want forced upon me. And what about my followers? They would be crushed. I mean I've never been considered royalty by anyone but myself, but isn't it like...the queen's job to consider the people?

2. Selfies
She is not allowed to post selfies anymore because the queen doesn't like them. I don't like a lot of things but do I ban everyone in my family from doing them? No! Seriously, who does she think she is, the Queen of England?

Not everyone is pretty enough to look good in a regular old photo. I mean, luckily, Meghan is, but this still seems like an abuse of power.


3. Have legs
There are not 1, not 2, but 3 things Meghan can't do anymore that all revolve around her being a human woman with legs. She has to always have hemlines below the knee which makes it super hard to buy off the rack. They really don't make women's clothes that anyone above the age of 16 can feel comfortable and covered in anymore. The entire women's fashion industry has devolved into one big game of hide the sleeves.

Additionally, she must wear pantyhose if her lower legs are exposed. I'm not sure how England handles their royal budget, but how much is that going to cost tax payers? Pantyhose are basically one-and-done for me but I do have mighty talons and the patience of a toddler.

Finally, she can't even cross her legs, she has to sit with her ankles crossed, which let me tell you, is painful. I just feel like one of these rules could have done the trick, do we need a triple layer of protection against the British public finding out she has thighs?

4. Vote
She can't vote or speak out on politics or social issues. So had I married Prince Harry, I would have to kiss this blog goodbye, disappointing fans the world over and more than likely leading to World War III. Is she allowed to vote on The Voice, American Idol, The X Factor?

5. Manicures
Her majesty is apparently a fashion critic as well and prefers light and neutral nail polish shades to bright, bold colors. She can prefer whatever colors she wants...FOR HERSELF. But Meghan? Those are American fingernails, don't they have rights? Where is Gloria Allred? Better yet...Amal Clooney. Someone needs to address this egregious violation of human rights.

6. Sleep
While staying in the same palace as the queen it is frowned upon to go to bed before her. This actually isn't a bad concept but she's doing it all wrong. If I was in charge I would make all of my guests go to sleep right when I did so I wouldn't miss anything. Seriously, we can't just let the woman sleep? She is 36 years old! She can be in charge of her own bedtime!

7. Act
She literally has to quit her job to get married. What is this? Bahrain, Jordan, Kuwait, Qatar, Sudan, the United Arab Emirates or Yemen? Those are countries where women need permission from their husbands to work and oh wait...Great Britain tried to colonize all of them so maybe it IS a cultural thing?

So Harry, while I took the news of your engagement pretty hard, you really did me a favor. You can take my black nail polish, you can deprive me of sleep hoping I will break, you can even take my job, but you can never, ever, take my selfies. It's not me, it's you.

#It'sPersonal

Today roughly 30,000 educators and supporters from across the state gathered in Raleigh to march for school funding, increased pay and 2 other things I can't remember because I am busy lesson planning. 

I was happy to attend with some co-workers to speak up for our kids and ourselves. Here's my posse. Sarah (2nd from right) noted that our signs all reflect our teaching philosophies. Hers features futuristic dystopian novels because she just wants kids to read. Ting's is a combination of a current popular young adult novel and poetry from Tupac. Heather's sign is data-driven, showing statistics of other "average" salaries (we will get to those quotation marks at the end of this post, I promise). And mine is a meme. Nailed it.

Here's my signs. I decorated both sides of my poster board because as you guys know, I have A LOT to say. And I'm sayin' it on a budget. Next time I say we save up for a few months and spring for foam boards.

I loved this sign because mitochondria was my nickname in prison...I was the powerhouse of that cell! And that is an example of the type of comedy you can find in my classroom. I treat my class kind of a stand-up set that my audience legally can't leave.

And that 39th rank is VERY generous. Other statistics cite us as being much lower. I considered making my sign "1st in flight, 49th in education, thank God for Mississippi " but I can't bear getting in another fight with Ohio over the Wright brothers.

Thankfully this doesn't happen at my school but I know other teachers who have to restrict their printing to minuscule numbers. And those are teachers dealing with class sizes that read more like speed limits.

Mark Brody called us thugs, so...

Although I want to point out that this isn't a strike. We can't legally do that in North Carolina without being fired and more importantly, we wouldn't. We take our responsibility to teach very seriously and if my school district hadn't closed today I wouldn't have taken a day off and penalized my students. But I, for one, would LOVE to see the legislature bring in a ton of random scabs to teach your children.

And get this...most teachers have multiple jobs! I have friends who work retail, sell handicrafts, work at summer camps, tutor, and I clean my church when I can for some extra money. I literally scrub toilets to make money.

There were quite a few Ms. Frizzle signs and I loved them all, especially her as Rosie the Riveter. Because WE CAN DO IT! One thing we can't do? Use the bathroom whenever we want. Another rejected sign idea I had was "if funding doesn't change direction, you will pay for my bladder infection" but that was better suited for a chant. Of course today when I had a window to actually try to start a chant I couldn't pass up the opportunity to yell "Janet Reno shot first!" and I regret nothing.

Yeah here's a shocker...teachers get graded a lot. On our test scores. On our classroom management. On our lesson plans. And on five standards set by the department of public instruction. Standard 1 is demonstrating leadership and involves advocating for our students. Is that why we call home when a kid needs extra tutoring? Is that why we contact a social worker when a kid needs glasses? Is that why we stay after school for parent conferences when

For inquiring minds (who have likely had their creativity encouraged by a teacher) there is a very informative article on WRAL that explains how the "average teacher pay" in North Carolina is calculated. The short version? That figure includes many extra duty pays (like coaching) that the general public would consider a second job. Another outlier? ROTC teachers who are compensated by the military to make their pay equal to what their military career would afford them...to the tune of $100,000 or more that the state of North Carolina takes credit for.

Despite North Carolina's average teacher pay being reported as $51,214, not a single educator I talked to today makes over $50,000. What if we reported our test scores using the same made up mathematics that NCDPI uses to calculate "average" teacher pay?

People in other professions are often quick to roll their eyes at teachers' requests for higher pay but let's reflect. This is a job with virtually no upwards mobility and I cannot stress this enough, VERY FEW BATHROOM BREAKS. Vast amounts of overtime are required but almost never financially (or otherwise) compensated. If you had a toddler and found a daycare that bragged about having low costs because they didn't pay their workers very much, would you want to leave your child there? I doubt it.

I'm not saying that teaching is the hardest job in the world but that it is different in nature from most other occupations. For the last few years I have been wondering why doctors and mechanics offer me appointments in the middle of the day until recently when I realized...oh, if you aren't a teacher you can just leave the office to go to an appointment. If I miss a day of work, it takes hours of planning and $50 of my paycheck. And one more thing...we do not get 2 months off. We get 2 months of forced unemployment but do 12 months of work in 10 months time. Summers are  nice, don't get me wrong. A nice break to go to a second job for most teachers I know.

Whether you believe in public schools or not, they are the future. They teach your children how to work with diverse populations, use critical thinking and problem solving skills and implement 21st century technology to collaborate with others outside of the Fortnite battlefield.

Adult Homework

My therapist gave me some homework.

She wants me to make a list of things I like about myself...ummmm pass. Am I not paying you to teach me how to like myself? I thought that's what this was.

When she first gave me that “you accept the love you think you deserve” crap I was like okay, someone’s phoning it in. I could have really saved some money and just bought a bag of fortune cookies.

But since I recently celebrated a big birthday...I decided to actually do the homework after I modified the assignment for myself. Instead of making a list of things I like about myself (barf) I am making a list of 25 things that make me happy.

1. My eyebrows. They are not twins, but they are sisters. Some days they seem more like step sisters but I do love my eyebrows for the most part. As do the men of online dating apparently.

2. I love beach. All I need is a good chair and a book. The book doesn’t even have to be good it just has to have words. And not be Heart of Darkness. I am high maintenance in many ways, but if you just drop me on a beach I can chill for 2, 3 hours with no one talking to me. A record!

3. I normally don't try foods that by definition involve a souring process, but I have recently discovered how wonderful fried cheese curds are. And right when I develop a taste for them, Red Robin has to go and eliminate them from the menu. And then the waitress had the nerve to try and distract me with dessert options, not now woman we have bigger cheese to fry!

4. I really appreciate how decent I am at photoshop. And how far I am willing to go to make a joke. See below.

5. Stretchy pants bring a great deal a joy to my life. Really any pair of pants that doesn't have the effect of too loose when I'm standing up but sausage casings when I'm sitting down.

6. I love a good deal. Can't say no to a BOGO or a coupon of any fashion. Products I didn't even want I suddenly need when they are 50% off and I will show them off proudly. "Can you believe I only paid $30 for this candle? It was clearance!"

7. Books make me happy even if I'm not at the beach. I love nothing more than a cheesy young adult novel where you find yourself missing the characters in between reading sessions and you feel like you've lost your best friend when you finish the book.

8. Portrait mode makes me happy. I initially thought that mine was a face that needed less definition, but portrait mode is kind of like the ultimate filter that you don't have to feel guilty about using for all of your online dating profile pics.

9. Practical Magic. I love that movie. Alice Hoffman is a queen. What's better than two sisters, who happen to be witches, killing an abusive jerk and getting away with it? All while finding love and family.

10. Buzzfeed makes me immensely happy. It is probably a little sad how much I rely on Buzzfeed for my news. If it didn't happen to Beyonce...it didn't happen.

11. I love finding a good, black __________. Shirt, dress, pants, shoes, shorts, whatever. Wearing black makes me happy and it makes me me.

12. It makes me happy when I can successfully rationalize, which isn't very often. But right now, I'm not having a quarter life crisis because there is no scenario in which I could reasonably predict myself living to 100. Crisis averted.

13. Attention. Yeah, I said it. I love attention. Not attention as in people looking at me but I do love having people listen to me.

14. Cookies! Cookies are my favorite, if you catch me in a swimsuit this summer you will notice immediately. Nothing like salted caramel or a sea salt top or chocolate chip cookies with no chocolate chips. I haven't dumped table salt on a chips ahoy yet but it's only a matter of time.

15. Certain Bible verses always make me happy. I may not be reading them as God intended but they uplift me, even if they don't suspend gravity.

 

16. Kvetching. Kvetching genuinely makes me happy. It's not that I am constantly unhappy and need to complain about everything but I do need to make jokes about everything (see #4) and those jokes sometimes come in the form of complaints.

17. A good matte lip. I like a liquid lip that dries matte, doesn't crack and stays put. I couldn't make that rhyme but Kat Von D, YSL and ColourPop make great liquid lipsticks. And since my lips take up roughly half my face, I appreciate that.

18. I love a good Halloween costume. I love everything about Halloween and in the last few years I have started making my own costumes as early as June. Should I consider cosplay? Would I get fired? Stay tuned.

19. Degrassi. I get so much entertainment from the fictional drama of Canadian teens. And it's something I've always watched with my brothers so we bond over Manny and Lola and Spinner and Ellie.

20. Trivia. I LOVE TRIVIA. Even though one of my favorite trivia spots thinks I am a cheater. Every week This Day in History was a round so I made study guides. It was my last semester of college, I had a ton of free time and failing to prepare is preparing to fail. But I promise I always put them away once trivia started.


21. My brothers make me happy even when they're trying to ruin my life. Last night Colby asked me why I dyed my hair. First of all...stupid question. I didn't dye it to end world hunger now did I? When I told him I wanted my hair to be red he informed me that "it doesn't look good" but I know that's just Colby being Colby. He thinks he is giving me helpful feedback, God bless him.

22. Much like trivia, Tingvia also makes me happy. A combination of my friend Ting and trivia, Tingvia asks such intriguing questions as "how many motorcycles has Ting been run over by?" and "what is Ting's D&D alignment?" and more! I love a good guessing game. You can ask Amanda.

23. Showtunes! If I'm not listening to a podcast in the car I am probably singing one of Broadway's greatest hits. I also like to sing them in the classroom, much to the dismay of my students who suddenly change their opinion that "music helps them focus."

24. Good Instagram captions make my day. I put more effort into my captions than my pictures and I think that really shows.

25. My students make me happy. They make me sad sometimes and I have been known to get angry on an occasion or two but for the most part, I love just talking to them. Even on the worst days I can't imagine not seeing them every day and they make having a job with no bathroom breaks worth the eventual bladder infection.

Dorm Room Karaoke: I'll Make a Grad Out of You

Back in the day, my good friend Taylor and I were known to remix a song or two in ole Teague Hall at UNC. Today is the first in a series called Dorm Room Karaoke that will share the videos, the laughs, the lyrics and the impeccable singing that our fans have grown to love.

Please forgive the video/audio lag, this was 2012 for goodness' sake.

Enjoy.



I’ll Make a Grad Out of You

Let’s get down to business to defeat exams
Did they send me slackers when I asked for students?
You’re the saddest class I ever met
But you can bet before 2015
Mister I’ll make a grad out of you.

Tranquil as a senior
But a freshman within…
Once you find your classrooms
You are sure to pass.
You’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot
And you haven’t got a clue…
Somehow I’ll make a grad out of you.

I’m never gonna find a table.
Say goodbye to friends from CTOPS.
Boy was I a fool for thinking I was smart!

This professor’s got 'em scared to death.
Hope he doesn’t take attendance .
Now I really wish that I had done the reading!

Be a grad.

You must be swift as the coursing traffic
To be able to get to your classes.
With all the strength of a 5th year senior
Mysterious as the dark side of Davis!

Time is racing toward us till exams arrive.
Do your every homework and you might survive.
You’re unsuited for the rage of UNC

So pack up, go home, transfer.
How could I, make a grad out of you?

Be a grad.

You must be swift as the coursing traffic
To be able to get to your classes.
With all the strength of a 5th year senior
Mysterious as the dark side of Davis!

You must be swift as the coursing traffic

Be a man.

To be able to get to your classes.
With all the strength of a 5th year senior
Mysterious as the dark side of Davis!