Every year Christmas season rolls around so much sooner than I expect. It feels like just yesterday I was hitting all the December 26th, 2012 craft store sales and buying my weight (roughly the equivalent of Santa's) in Christmas decorations and now it's already Christmas Day 2013! I swear Christmas season gets shorter and shorter every year, although my personal Christmas song/sock season perpetually gets longer and longer. This time next year I will likely already be ringing in Christmas 2015.
With the Shortening Christmas Season Conspiracy (on this week's 60 Minutes), there's less and less time to figure out what you want so when everyone starts asking what's on your list you end up giving them all the same 5 generic items. It's all fun and reindeer games until you suddenly find yourself the proud owner of at least half a dozen copies of every movie Channing Tatum or Zac Efron has ever starred in, a few thousand scarves and what feels like a million nail polishes that all start to look the same after your fourth eggnog.
So I am taking the "What?" out of "What should I get you for Christmas?" Hold your applause. Think of this as a master list that you can consult every holiday season until white girl goes out of style (so 3 years ago or approximately never, depending on how you look that things).
The Ultimate White Girl Christmas Wish List*
an infinity sign tattoo
anything from my Pintrest page
Michael Kors bag/watch
a puppy
a giftcard to Starbucks
an infinity scarf with a sassy print
Lilly Pulitzer ________
Uggs
a collection of deep quotes to caption my selfies
any poster of Marilyn Monroe
a Megaticket
anything from Forever 21
a cardigan
anything with a Disney princess theme
a spray tan
an ombre hair dye kit
a pomsky
anything in my Etsy or Wanelo shopping carts
all monogram/chevron everything
any piece of jewelry that has a bow motif
Nutella
a miniature pig named Kevin Bacon
hummus
Pitch Perfect
a Pandora bracelet/charms
yoga pants/leggings/shorts
any Nicholas Sparks book/movie
a North Face
a statement necklace
a monogram necklace/ring
*About half of the things on this list are items I personally want, the other half are things I am making fun of. Make a fun holiday game of guessing which is which!
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
5 Million Golden Rings
I hope everyone's holiday season is going well, and just to be clear when I say holiday I mean Christmas. Wanna know how my break has been? Basically one engagement after another. Back at school, everyone was single so I didn't realize how alone I am. But in my hometown it's nothing but other twenty-somethings planning weddings and doing other lame adult stuff (buying houses, getting real jobs, being financially secure, blah blah blah). If I had more actual friends I would feel just like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, but let's face it I'm much more of an "always my only friend's plus one and never a bridesmaid" type (thanks Em!).
In an effort to make myself feel better, I immediately wrote a list of all the reasons it's fun being alone at Christmas. Ok, that's a lie I immediately ate a dozen oreo truffles but then I wrote my list.
Reasons it's Great Being Single During the Holidays
1) Hey, it's 1 less person to buy a gift for.
2) You don't have to take cheesy couple pictures by the tree.
3) You can eat all the Christmas goodies you make instead of sharing.
4) You can sing your favorite Christmas song on repeat instead of mixing in theirs.
5) You won't receive any "couple" gifts. (Edward and Bella salt and pepper shakers, just what we wanted! Barf.)
6) You don't have to ask yourself "Is this the proposal?" before every holiday event.
7) You don't have to share credit for all the awesome gifts you buy.
8) You can spend the whole month of December with YOUR friends and family, not theirs.
9) You don't have to worry about how cute-but-not-hot you look in your "allegedly tacky" Christmas sweater because you love it and IT LIGHTS UP.
10) You don't have to stick with the set of wrenches you picked in Dirty Santa because your guy wants them. You go for that bubble bath and slippers, girl!
If none of these reasons proved to you that one strong, independent partridge paying her own rent in that pear tree is better than 2 stinkin turtle doves, then you are more than welcome to join any of the following dating websites I am working on (patents pending).
DisneyLovers.Magic.com
Because you deserve someone who can and will sing every word to Colors of the Wind with you.
BaptistBlindDates.com
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my church. (Baptists love the Spice Girls, you didn't know?)
GryffindorMeet.com
Connecting Rons to their Hermiones since the Sorcerer's Stone. Perfect for finding a date to the Yule Ball.
IfWe'reBeingHonestI'mReallyAHufflepuff.com
Most people are, and that's ok. I'm a Ravenclaw obviously, but Hufflepuffs need lovin too!
SquibsAnonymous.com
Anonymous since no one would actually admit to being a squib. Maybe if Filch had a special someone he would stop being so freakin weird.
PitbullFans.Dale.com
Because the 2 of them really belong together. Same for KristenStewartLovers.com and CarrotToppers.com.
GOPMingle.com
Because I live in a ridiculously liberal town and I know my Reagan in shining armor is out there somewhere.
TeemPeetaRulesGaleDrools.com
A moderate obsession with Josh Hutcherson is completely healthy. If a couple is on opposite sides of this bitter debate, they will never last.
Brad&Jen4Ever.90skids.com
Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by their divorce. That's why this URL narrowly beat out MillennialsWhoDon'tStillLiveWithTheirParentsMeet.com.
In an effort to make myself feel better, I immediately wrote a list of all the reasons it's fun being alone at Christmas. Ok, that's a lie I immediately ate a dozen oreo truffles but then I wrote my list.
Reasons it's Great Being Single During the Holidays
1) Hey, it's 1 less person to buy a gift for.
2) You don't have to take cheesy couple pictures by the tree.
3) You can eat all the Christmas goodies you make instead of sharing.
4) You can sing your favorite Christmas song on repeat instead of mixing in theirs.
5) You won't receive any "couple" gifts. (Edward and Bella salt and pepper shakers, just what we wanted! Barf.)
6) You don't have to ask yourself "Is this the proposal?" before every holiday event.
7) You don't have to share credit for all the awesome gifts you buy.
8) You can spend the whole month of December with YOUR friends and family, not theirs.
9) You don't have to worry about how cute-but-not-hot you look in your "allegedly tacky" Christmas sweater because you love it and IT LIGHTS UP.
10) You don't have to stick with the set of wrenches you picked in Dirty Santa because your guy wants them. You go for that bubble bath and slippers, girl!
If none of these reasons proved to you that one strong, independent partridge paying her own rent in that pear tree is better than 2 stinkin turtle doves, then you are more than welcome to join any of the following dating websites I am working on (patents pending).
DisneyLovers.Magic.com
Because you deserve someone who can and will sing every word to Colors of the Wind with you.
BaptistBlindDates.com
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my church. (Baptists love the Spice Girls, you didn't know?)
GryffindorMeet.com
Connecting Rons to their Hermiones since the Sorcerer's Stone. Perfect for finding a date to the Yule Ball.
IfWe'reBeingHonestI'mReallyAHufflepuff.com
Most people are, and that's ok. I'm a Ravenclaw obviously, but Hufflepuffs need lovin too!
SquibsAnonymous.com
Anonymous since no one would actually admit to being a squib. Maybe if Filch had a special someone he would stop being so freakin weird.
PitbullFans.Dale.com
Because the 2 of them really belong together. Same for KristenStewartLovers.com and CarrotToppers.com.
GOPMingle.com
Because I live in a ridiculously liberal town and I know my Reagan in shining armor is out there somewhere.
TeemPeetaRulesGaleDrools.com
A moderate obsession with Josh Hutcherson is completely healthy. If a couple is on opposite sides of this bitter debate, they will never last.
Brad&Jen4Ever.90skids.com
Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by their divorce. That's why this URL narrowly beat out MillennialsWhoDon'tStillLiveWithTheirParentsMeet.com.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
A Very White Girl Christmas
It is officially the peak of finals week so I'm running on lots of sugar and caffeine. My chief concern is not that I will fail all my exams but that I actually won't remember how to sleep after this week is over. The only good thing about finals is that it means Christmas season is well underway now, and I for one could not be happier. At this point in my career as honorary Captain Christmas, I have sampled just about every Christmas album known to elf kind and I can confidently say that this playlist includes only the best for your Christmas CD. If you don't have a Christmas CD, shame on you!
All I Want For Christmas is You
Mariah Carey
Because Mariah Carey is like the queen of Christmas and this album (that she wrote) broke so many records it's insane. She wrote this song that we all attempt to sing knowing good and well only angels can hit those high notes. All I want for Christmas is to be Mariah Carey.
Baby It's Cold Outside
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone
Zooey is an idol among white girls and this song was forever solidified as a Christmas classic in Elf. You really must know at least some of the lyrics. Plus, the scene in the movie is totally the same as the shower scene in Pitch Perfect. Just let that sink in.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Glee Cast
The Glee Christmas album is probably one of the best things to ever happen to me and I couldn't have cared less about this song until hearing the Glee girls' version. Santana, Mercedes, Rachel and even Quinn make this song. You will forever sing this stylized version and get weird looks in church, but it's more than worth it.
Cold December Night
Michael Buble
Michael Buble's Christmas album has impacted my life in a very positive way. Not very well-known but this songs gets major props for being something you can sing all throughout December (Ha! As if I don't sing any Christmas song I want from September through January.) I mean he just wants someone to fall in love with him. I volunteer as tribute!
Where Are You Christmas
Faith Hill
In all honesty, I hate this song but recognize it as an important addition to this list due to it's connection to How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Faith Hill, Cindy Lou Who, and all things white girl. I also find it useful to belt the title around exam time because seriously. Seriously.
O Holy Night
Martina McBride
O Holy Night is basically the standard favorite Christmas song, which is not at all undeserved. Martina is of course fabulous and I think it's safe to say that country artists generally just do traditional Christmas hymns better. I don't know what it is but Santa just smiles on Nashville.
Sleigh Ride
Hilary Duff
Lizzie McGuire is every white girl's spirit animal and Sleigh Ride is just so fun! I have a theory that this song inspired What Does the Fox Say (ring ting tingling any bells?)
My Only Wish (This Year)
Britney Spears
It's Britney Grinch. Because nothing says white girl quite like Britney. And this song is great at capturing that holiday spirit of "everyone is in love but me and I'm pretty freakin tired of it" that we all know and loathe.
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Mariah Carey
If anyone deserves to be on this album twice it's Mimi. And I think it's clear that Baby Please Come Home is a must for any holiday playlist. If you haven't belted the line "baby please come home!" at someone important to you on at least a dozen occasions, you should probably reevaluate your life at this point. I can wait.
Last Christmas
Taylor Swift
Us white girls unanimously elected Taylor Swift our fearless (see what I did there?) leader ages ago, so naturally her cover of this Christmas classic made the list. Most people I know either love it or hate it (they hate it), but this song is here to stay, unlike Taylor's boyfriends.
I Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You
'N Sync
Because what is the one thing 90s white girls loved more than Britney? Justin! Fun fact, this broke the world record for longest song title. But seriously, I constantly find myself singing "I don't wanna light a fire" before I remind myself that this is actually a Christmas song and therefore inappropriate to sing at a synagogue in June. It only happened twice but my bad.
Little Drummer Boy
Josh Groban
Josh is receiving honorable mention because while there are few artists today more "white girl" than Mr. Groban, I think I speak for everyone when I say I will not soon forgive him for not recognizing the perfection that is Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love. Am I right?
All I Want For Christmas is You
Mariah Carey
Because Mariah Carey is like the queen of Christmas and this album (that she wrote) broke so many records it's insane. She wrote this song that we all attempt to sing knowing good and well only angels can hit those high notes. All I want for Christmas is to be Mariah Carey.
Baby It's Cold Outside
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone
Zooey is an idol among white girls and this song was forever solidified as a Christmas classic in Elf. You really must know at least some of the lyrics. Plus, the scene in the movie is totally the same as the shower scene in Pitch Perfect. Just let that sink in.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Glee Cast
The Glee Christmas album is probably one of the best things to ever happen to me and I couldn't have cared less about this song until hearing the Glee girls' version. Santana, Mercedes, Rachel and even Quinn make this song. You will forever sing this stylized version and get weird looks in church, but it's more than worth it.
Cold December Night
Michael Buble
Michael Buble's Christmas album has impacted my life in a very positive way. Not very well-known but this songs gets major props for being something you can sing all throughout December (Ha! As if I don't sing any Christmas song I want from September through January.) I mean he just wants someone to fall in love with him. I volunteer as tribute!
Where Are You Christmas
Faith Hill
In all honesty, I hate this song but recognize it as an important addition to this list due to it's connection to How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Faith Hill, Cindy Lou Who, and all things white girl. I also find it useful to belt the title around exam time because seriously. Seriously.
O Holy Night
Martina McBride
O Holy Night is basically the standard favorite Christmas song, which is not at all undeserved. Martina is of course fabulous and I think it's safe to say that country artists generally just do traditional Christmas hymns better. I don't know what it is but Santa just smiles on Nashville.
Sleigh Ride
Hilary Duff
Lizzie McGuire is every white girl's spirit animal and Sleigh Ride is just so fun! I have a theory that this song inspired What Does the Fox Say (ring ting tingling any bells?)
My Only Wish (This Year)
Britney Spears
It's Britney Grinch. Because nothing says white girl quite like Britney. And this song is great at capturing that holiday spirit of "everyone is in love but me and I'm pretty freakin tired of it" that we all know and loathe.
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Mariah Carey
If anyone deserves to be on this album twice it's Mimi. And I think it's clear that Baby Please Come Home is a must for any holiday playlist. If you haven't belted the line "baby please come home!" at someone important to you on at least a dozen occasions, you should probably reevaluate your life at this point. I can wait.
Last Christmas
Taylor Swift
Us white girls unanimously elected Taylor Swift our fearless (see what I did there?) leader ages ago, so naturally her cover of this Christmas classic made the list. Most people I know either love it or hate it (they hate it), but this song is here to stay, unlike Taylor's boyfriends.
I Don't Wanna Spend One More Christmas Without You
'N Sync
Because what is the one thing 90s white girls loved more than Britney? Justin! Fun fact, this broke the world record for longest song title. But seriously, I constantly find myself singing "I don't wanna light a fire" before I remind myself that this is actually a Christmas song and therefore inappropriate to sing at a synagogue in June. It only happened twice but my bad.
Little Drummer Boy
Josh Groban
Josh is receiving honorable mention because while there are few artists today more "white girl" than Mr. Groban, I think I speak for everyone when I say I will not soon forgive him for not recognizing the perfection that is Emma Stone in Crazy Stupid Love. Am I right?
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Recently Used Emojis Are the Window to the Soul
In the olden days of the twentieth century, people used to snoop around in each others' medicine cabinets when they wanted to learn more about someone. These days, we all have a Xanax prescription or seven lying around so the art of stalking has had to step it up. Now online stalking generally gets the job done, but there are still some things (granted, very few things) that individuals may not want the entire internet to know (prudes). If you want to find out what someone is really hiding, you need only look at his or her recently used emojis to forget more about them than the NSA will ever know.
Here is a list I've started of what emojis say about the person who frequently uses them.
Sass Girl
White girl.
Heart Eyes
Uses the word "love" wayyyyy to much. (Guilty.)
LOL Tears
Finds themselves much funnier than they actually are. (This is me.)
Single Tear
Can't decide which of the million other sad faces is best, sticks with this guy.
Kissy Face
Thinks they have a lot of "best friends".
SMILING SO HARD
REALLY HAPPY AND REALLY AWKWARD.
Shades
Finds themselves very chill. (I'm looking at you Carol!)
Smirks
Desperately wants their friends to understand that they are being clever. (Me.)
Asian Face
Has friends that are frequently ridiculous and therefore deserving of an Asian face.
Dancing Sisters
Considers everyone their best friend. Possibly a sorority girl.
American Flag
Awesome.
Any Other Flag
Traitor!
Bow
Girly girl. May or may not have a princess complex.
Hearts
Again, "loves" everything. Friends. Dogs. Lattes. Roadkill.
Cute Whale
Uses the pun "Oh whale" a lot, therefore a fantastic individual.
Fiesta Chica
Equal parts sassy and spicy.
Gun
Melodramatically threatens suicide frequently.
Open Book
Addicted to Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, Divergent, or all of the above.
School Books
Nerd. When it comes to school, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.
Balls
Sports fanatic OR girl who wants guys to think she knows/cares who Ray Allen is.
Food
Chicken nuggets are like your family. This is not wrong.
Here is a list I've started of what emojis say about the person who frequently uses them.
Sass Girl
White girl.
Heart Eyes
Uses the word "love" wayyyyy to much. (Guilty.)
LOL Tears
Finds themselves much funnier than they actually are. (This is me.)
Single Tear
Can't decide which of the million other sad faces is best, sticks with this guy.
Kissy Face
Thinks they have a lot of "best friends".
SMILING SO HARD
REALLY HAPPY AND REALLY AWKWARD.
Shades
Finds themselves very chill. (I'm looking at you Carol!)
Smirks
Desperately wants their friends to understand that they are being clever. (Me.)
Asian Face
Has friends that are frequently ridiculous and therefore deserving of an Asian face.
Dancing Sisters
Considers everyone their best friend. Possibly a sorority girl.
American Flag
Awesome.
Any Other Flag
Traitor!
Bow
Girly girl. May or may not have a princess complex.
Hearts
Again, "loves" everything. Friends. Dogs. Lattes. Roadkill.
Cute Whale
Uses the pun "Oh whale" a lot, therefore a fantastic individual.
Fiesta Chica
Equal parts sassy and spicy.
Gun
Melodramatically threatens suicide frequently.
Open Book
Addicted to Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, Divergent, or all of the above.
School Books
Nerd. When it comes to school, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.
Balls
Sports fanatic OR girl who wants guys to think she knows/cares who Ray Allen is.
Food
Chicken nuggets are like your family. This is not wrong.
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