Guys: Why You AREN'T in the "Friend Zone"

Guys are constantly complaining about being in the friend zone, which is basically the equivalent of me complaining that I look too thin. It's simply not an issue. Today's post is a list of all the zones y'all are actually in when you think you're in the friend zone. There are so many misdiagnoses out there, so I'm here to set everyone straight. Speaking of which:

The "I Think You're Gay Zone"
If we have been friends for more than a month, we're both single, and you have yet to make a move, I am going to assume that you are gay. I do not apologize. This is a very effective coping mechanism. To the rest of the world I'm a little sad and pitiful, but in my mind, I just so happen to frequently fall for gay men. Whoops.

The "You Used to Date My Best Friend Zone"
Honestly, y'all have to have seen a chick flick at some point. You really must know about girl code. If you used to date one of my best friends, or if one of my best friends likes you, I'm gonna need you to get my subtle yet sassy hints that nothing is ever going to happen between us. Now don't get me wrong, if you dated her for one lunch period in middle school you're fair game, but every girl has her own line she draws in this department. In my case, if someone who I am friends with on snapchat and/or who frequently likes my Instagram posts has ever cried over you or written slam poetry about you, we won't happen. Sorry not sorry. 

The "I Really Like Your Best Friend Zone" 
In the event that I am pathetically in love with one of your good friends, nothing is going to happen between us. I have an awfully annoying and yet endearing habit of calling dibs on almost every guy I see. It's just a good idea to back up your back ups, am I right? I assume that bro code is similar to girl code in the "hooking up with exes of friends' department (also known by the super fun acronym HUWEF). So unless you come into a large sum of money or get a puppy, I'm just not willing to burn that bridge.

The "Unattainable Zone"
This zone correlates to the point in an argument when the girl stops yelling, talking, texting back, et cetera. You should be very afraid when we get to the point where we just don't care anymore. There are several guys that I'm friends with who I know would never be interested in me for a plethora of reasons. I'm nuts, I'm not their type, I'm really weird, I accidentally threw up on them in kindergarten (it was one time!), and many more! So if I'm friends with you and I view you as completely out of my league (hint hint, Michael Cera, if we ever become friends) I'm gonna completely let myself go. I'm talking no make up, no bra, no pants, hairs all askew. To be fair, I look like this most of the time, but if I think you're out of my league then I will spare myself the self-loathing and condescension I normally apply liberally for letting you see me this way.

The "I Think I'm in the Friend Zone Zone"
Guys. Listen. You put yourselves in the friend zone by thinking you're in the friend zone. Let that sink in. Sometimes you have to put on your big boy pants and take a risk! Ask her out dude! Do you think we're gonna make the first move? We're delicate girls. We can't handle the possibility of rejection. We need the big strong men to fight their way out of this imaginary friend zone of their own making.

And last but not least infuriating ... 

The "Jerk Zone"
99% of the time guys who think they are in the friend zone are actually in the jerk zone. I mean maybe y'all are just telling yourselves that you're in the friend zone to avoid facing the fact that you're just not a good guy? Kind of like how I tell myself that no one pays attention to serving sizes every time I "accidentally" eat a whole bag of Baked Lays in one sitting (I had to use " " because my therapist says when it's a planned, daily occurrence, it's no longer an accident.) So, if you're a male, please listen, and listen good. Next time you claim to be friend zoned by a girl whose texts you don't return, a girl you have stood up and ditched, a girl you have made feel inferior...don't sweat it. We're probably just telling ourselves that you're gay :)

How Do I Have Friends?

This week's post is about tackling a question that has haunted me for years, How do I have friends?

Things that make me wonder how I have friends:

• The image I see when I wake up and look in the mirror.

• I cry in public. A lot.

• I often go to Walmart without a bra on and my reasoning is Walmart is only 3 minutes away from me and it's just not worth it to put on a bra for a 20 minute trip.

• I really can't go anywhere without a book and a water bottle.

• I frequently get a full order of 6 pretzels at Mellow Mushroom instead of the much more reasonable half order, knowing good and well that I can eat, at most, 3 in the restaurant. 

• I NEVER have my phone off silent, so if you call me, chances are I won't answer.

• I devote entirely too much time to reading People magazine and checking People.com.

• When I watch sporting events, I can be relentlessly rooting for the same team the whole game, but when they win I will feel bad for the other team. Unless that other team is not America. Then I have no sympathy.

• I can see a movie three times, start to finish, and still not understand it. I just suck.

• At least fifty percent of my dialogue on any given day is just me quoting YouTube videos that only I have seen.

• When we have company but I'm about to fall asleep I always suggest that everyone move to my room and keep talking or watching TV as I fall asleep. And I am dead serious.

Possible Answers:

• I'm a decent cook.

• I often can't finish my food so people flock to me in hopes of a free meal.

• I don't drink so I can always be the designated driver.

• I'm really good at watching bad TV.

• You never have to worry about me ditching you because I don't have any other options.

• I'm good at math so I can figure out sale prices and how much you should tip to make your payment an even dollar amount.

That's literally it. Those are all my selling points. So.

10 Signs You're Not Carrie Bradshaw

As my loyal readers (aka my mother and myself) know, I have a history of posting on ultimate girl heroes and I believe that every white girl needs an ultimate girl hero to aspire to. For many young white girls, that ultimate girl hero is Carrie Bradshaw. She's fabulous, a fashionista and no matter how annoying her generalizations and metaphors may be, she is a great writer. She gets $4 a word from Vogue! Hello! So I have dedicated this blog post to every girl out there who still needs to discover which Sex and the City character she is.

P.S. I'm equal parts Charlotte and Carrie.

10 Signs You're Not Carrie Bradshaw
1 If you had to pick between fashion magazines and food, you would pick food.
2 You always wear a bra when you're in public.
3 You don't end every rant with a rhetorical question.
4 You invest your money in a commodity other than Spanish footwear.
5 You would refer to your lover by their name and not an adjective.
6 You never over-think things.
7 You wear "outfits" that sane individuals not living in the 1990s would wear.
8 You understand a woman not being friendly after you slept with her husband.
9 You despise smoking.
10 You don't believe fur coats go with everything.

10 Signs You're Not Samantha Jones
1 You are capable of being embarrassed.
2 You get nervous around the opposite sex and would never make the first move.
3 You believe in playing hard to get.
4 You don't care for designers, parties or elective cosmetic surgeries.
5 You look, and dress, your age.
6 You love your significant other more than yourself.
7 You're such a girl in relationships.
8 You would never hurl a melon at the face of someone you envy.
9 You're conservative.
10 You're insecure.

10 Signs You're Not Charlotte York
1 You don't believe in true love.
2 You see the cosmopolitan as half-empty.
3 You voted for Clinton.
4 You're a feminist.
5 You hate J. Crew, Polo and The Gap.
6 You don't have a "type".
7 You don't want children.
8 You don't mind giving up.
9 You would love getting a cardboard baby as a gift.
10 You're not at all overbearing when you own dogs.

10 Signs You're Not Miranda Hobbes
1 You keep some of your opinions to yourself.
2 You believe in true love and can say that without rolling your eyes.
3 You're type B.
4 You're not confrontational.
5 You would never wear overalls or a baseball cap in public.
6 You enjoy being friends with your exes.
7 You don't let your job control your life.
8 You would never eat chocolate cake out of the garbage.
9 You're not a ginger.
10 You're not stubborn.

Confessions of a Basic White Girl

There comes a time in every basic white girl's life where she literally can't even. For many basic white girls, this time occurs at least once everyday and tends to coincide with a gross insect crossing her intended path of travel, Starbucks getting her order wrong, or once again having a text conversation ruined by the fact that there are no emojis of her Greek letters. As of this week I have reached that point, I literally can't even with myself anymore because I am so helplessly basic. So this week is a confession of the most basic things about this white girl in hopes that I might inspire others to embrace the basic within us all.

• I bought the monogram app.
• I could never live without gluten and I hate myself every day for it.
• I have spent many a Saturday adhering chevron stripes to various belongings.
• My go-to outfit during the winter months is a VS hoodie, VS yoga pants and Uggs.
• I have painted more than one monogram wall decoration.
• I'm running out of room to display all of my statement necklaces.
• I'm always running out of phone storage because I take too many selfies.
•  I've seen every Nicholas Sparks movie. Twice.
• Guava is my favorite froyo flavor. 
• I keep the brightness turned down on my phone and laptop because I'm ALWAYS on them and I get headaches. 
• I own norts in every color.
• All of my friends like chunky guacamole but I like smooth guacamole and I'm ostracized because of it.
• I have a secret fund for replacing all of my current monogrammed items with my new monogram when I get married. 
• One time, I couldn't find a cute colored lid to go on my favorite Tervis. Day ruined.
• I need my fingernail polish to match my toenail polish.
• I don't live with my parents anymore but my Victoria's Secret coupons still get mailed there.
• I have 2 pairs of Uggs. Both are Carolina blue.
• Pomegranates are my fave superfruit, probs because they're the most expensive.
• All of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies are on VHS but I NEED them to be on DVD. 

Bonus joke: Why do sorority girls always go out in odd numbers?

Because they can't even!