The BeyMAs

For those of you living under a stupid rock, the Beyonce concert formerly known as the VMAs was KILLER Sunday night. As I gazed, speechless and reverential in complete awe of her, I began to question why that night, and every other night for that matter, is not entirely about Beyonce. It seems only fair. She lets us all live in her world, asking for nothing in return as she showers us with her flawlessness. So I'm proposing a new awards show. An awards show that honors Beyonce and Beyonce alone because Queen Bey should never have to share the stage, right Kanye?

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you.

The BeyMAs.

The Woke Up Like Dis Award
Awarded to the best photo of Beyonce sans make up because we all know that she is still just as beautiful without the foundation and mascara so desperately needed by the rest of us.

The Your Dynasty Ain't Complete Without A Chief Like Who? Award
This is a kicky live video feed award where a comedian of Beyonce's choosing will roam the streets of L.A. asking passersby to answer this lyric question from Upgrade U. Everyone who answers correctly (Beyonce, duh) will get a single strand of Beyonce's hair, the strongest substance known to man (besides Beyonce's stank face). Everyone who answers incorrectly will be slapped.

The Flawless Award
Given to Beyonce for being 100% flawless 100% of the time. That is all.

The Schoolin Life Award
Each year a different university will be allowed to present Beyonce with a degree. Note: this is not an honorary degree or a made-up degree. Beyonce already has PhDs in swag, flawlessness, and life of course.
 
The Irreplaceable Award
Given to the best outfit that had the good fortune to touch Bey's body that year. This award serves to remind Beyonce that she has come so far from the days of Destiny's Child and she will never be forced to wear another orange suede poncho or black leather ballgown at the hands of Tina Knowles again.

The Diva Award
Awarded to Beyonce for a moment where she could have been a complete female hustler/tyrant but instead chose to lavish upon us her unrelenting grace and mercy. The front runners for this award will be any other awards shows where Beyonce did not win an award, no matter what the category. Even if you don't consider Queen Bey's music to be "Best Rock Album material" she should still win that award as an offering. Recognize.

The Upgrade U Award
Given to Beyonce from Jay-Z as his thank you to her for marrying him, giving him life and upgrading him beyond his wildest dreams.

The Middle Award
Presented to Beyonce by Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, honoring her for standing in the middle anytime that Destiny's Child did anything ever.

The We Be All Night Award
Awarded to the best photo of Beyonce taken after 12:00 AM and before 6:00 AM because the Queen always looks perfect, sleep only serves to further enhance her perfection. We do be all night. We really do.

And the final award of the evening...

The So Not Bey Award
This is not so much an award as it is a punishment. At the end of the BeyMAs, the screens will broadcast moments where celebrities were so not bey. Said celebs will then be escorted off the planet.

The First Annual Bridesmaid Games

There are two basic types of girls out there. The girls who, from the first time they watch Cinderella, spend more time fantasizing about their weddings than their future husbands, and the girls who lie about it. Personally, I have had my July 4th America-themed wedding pretty much planned for years. From the exact brand of red hot dogs to the flowers, I have every detail planned out. Except for the groom of course, a minor detail that always seems to slip through the cracks. Considering I constantly speak on behalf of all white girls, let me just say that the hardest part of wedding planning for girls is picking bridesmaids. And I say this with more than the imaginary authority that I granted myself when I started this blog.

I am always hearing from my friends who are engaged how difficult it is to decide who gets to be a bridesmaid, and for those of us who don't have sisters, who is the maid of honor? In reality these friends probably mention briefly in passing that it's tough narrowing down your friend group to a reasonable number of bridesmaids. But what I hear is "Planning a wedding is such a hassle, especially trying to pick 5 bridesmaids from my gazillion friends! Really, I'm jealous of you. You're so lucky that no one will ever love you enough to propose."

A few days ago, one of my friends came up with a brilliant way to get rid of all the hassle in selecting bridesmaids. We were discussing the whole wedding scene when, regarding bridesmaids, she says "you're just gonna have to..." I anticipate the end of this sentence and think she's going to say "to set a limit" like any reasonable future bride would do. Imagine my surprise and delight when she actually says "you're just gonna have to have a contest."

And thus the bridesmaid games were born! Think of them as the friendship Olympics, a Jeopardy-like trivia game that will reward my friends who actually pay attention when I'm talking about myself.

I've been brainstorming categories and questions because I need to be prepared to choose my bridesmaids at any moment. If I've learned anything from Disney princess movies it's that you can meet your guy, fall in love and get engaged all in the span of one evening.

So far some of the categories and answers are as followed:

Quotes and Expressions I Overuse

•  dude, hella, sorry, or no worries
• "why is the bus late? cause the bus is a caterpillar and it threw up"
• "put it down Bella we musn't touch what isn't ours"
• "I love myself and I hate myself"
• "books are people too"
• literally anything else from Kittens Inspired by Kittens or Boys Will Be Girls

Describe the Only 4 Outfits I Ever Really Wear

• black quarter sleeve shirt with neon pink shorts
• XL dance marathon t shirt with orange norts
• hunter green XXXL long t shirt worn as a dress with brown belt and wedges
• VS hoodie with yoga pants

My Favorite Things Other Than America

• bread
• the color yellow
• Law and Order: SVU
• Mindy Kaling, Julia Roberts and George W. Bush (in no particular order)
• books
• my globe

Things I Hate More Than When People Sit In My Seat

• slow walkers
• sororities, Lilly Pulitzer, Jack Rogers, and the like
• when cookies get baked too long
• wearing pants

My Greatest Fears

•  my iPhone breaking, again
• the world running out of goat cheese
• losing my memory
• Grey's Anatomy being cancelled

Just think of this post as a study guide and start taking notes, the First Annual Bridesmaid Games are approaching. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

I'm Not A Feminist But...

I had to title this post with a disclaimer because as I learned in a social justice ethics class that was mandatory at my liberal arts school (I know, vom) people often begin statements that are profoundly racist with "I'm not a racist but..." and this is the same type of thing. My post is going to sound very feminist. Honestly, it's a bit of a rant. If you know me then you understand I am the furthest thing from a feminist (I voted for Romney, okay?). I wrote this post to call attention to the lies that the media tells girls, or more accurately, my opinions on the lies that the media tells girls. I ramble, I rant, but I try to include humor as I explain that he's just not that into you.

Film and television make it seem as if boys and girls can never be just friends. Someone always has to be in love with the other. On sitcoms there's years of sexual tension before the lead characters end up together forever. Even on Lifetime, which is supposed to be TV for women, the movies feature best friends who awkwardly fall in love. Whose lifetime is that? Cause in my life, I just awkwardly fall. No love.

My best friend is a guy and I am constantly getting asked why I friend zoned him or why he doesn't date me. My family is the worst. My little brother recently said to my best friend "I think y'all are perfect for each other. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings." Ouch, thanks for that.

And is it not insulting to guys the way people assume that you can't value a female for just her friendship? I admittedly do not place the highest confidence in the morals of the men my age, and perhaps this is conceited of me, but I think there are lots of reasons to be friends with me. I mean sure, I can't think of any right now but I can assure you that my looks are the last reason any guy would want to be my friend (maybe next to last, right before my inability to filter).

Anyways, my big issue with the opposite-sex BFF conspiracy is that it results in girls telling themselves that the guys we have been pining after for years to no avail are "secretly" in love with us. No. Just no. This leads to girls overthinking every move a guy makes. If he ignores us in public he's playing hard to get, if he doesn't return our phone calls he doesn't want to seem too available. Ladies! These are our mind games! We can't just let the other team steal our playbook!

No matter how much I try to be honest and tell myself that if a guy doesn't text me back he probably just forgot my hut number or got eaten by a lion, in reality, he's probably just not that into me (although, I know, all three are equally unbelievable). Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that if a guy is interested in me, it will be obvious at best but at the very least discernible after a month of careful observation.

So now young women and girls are wasting their time and efforts on guys who they believe are secretly in love with them. I understand. It's so much easier to form a relationship from a friendship and skip all the awkward parts of being with someone new. But where would Twitter and Buzzfeed and Tumblr be without those awkward moments? Those awkward moments help me get out of bed every morning because while I might be single for the rest of my life, there's a girl somewhere out there meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time. Who knows what calamity might strike? She could be hungover. She might accidentally stain the white couch with red lipstick that his mother thinks is trashy. And who among us doesn't love a simple trip in the front yard or beverage spill? I'm not saying that I would wish these on anyone, just that I hope to read stories very similar to these in next month's Cosmo Confessions. Where would White Girl Wednesday be if I couldn't share the trauma of all my first dates? Probably exactly where it is today seeing as I never get dates, but it could really be improved with some first-hand embarrassment stories!

While I'm at it, let's take a moment to discuss what I'll call "selfie shaming". Girlfriends, if you wanna post a selfie you post a selfie. There are some strong points to be made for not posting a selfie every day, but I hate seeing girls caption "sorry for the selfie" because you shouldn't have to apologize. You own that selfie. If you're anything like me (aka not photogenic at all) I know how much work went into taking a good selfie. I also know that a good selfie for me happens about once every 6 months. 2 selfies a year never got anyone's Instagram reported for spam so #YGG.

You Go Girl. 

Some1 Date Me Pls

Today's post is about a topic that I believe we all spend more time contemplating than we'd like to admit...how am I still single? And I don't mean that in the literal sense of why will no one date me because believe me, I understand that 100%. I mean why have I not yet devised a strategy for tricking someone into dating me? The way I see it, if I am going to make my July 4, 2015 wedding happen (and I have a few dozen non-returnable USA-themed decorations that say it's gonna happen) then trickery and deception will be key.

I realized that I would need a solid plan in place in order to find a groom a few months ago while I was watching How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. I was somewhere in the middle of calculating how much money I could make writing and starring in a sequel, How To Lose A Guy in 24 Hours or Less, when I became angry that How To FIND A Guy in 10 Days did not exist. It's crunch time and I'm feeling the pressure. I haven't managed to find a guy in 21 years, so what makes me think I can find a husband in less than 365 days? My initial thought was to draw up an application, but somewhere between question 37 (favorite Law and Order: SVU ADA) and question 82 (Do you like Katherine Heigl, no or heck no?) I realized that in order for my application process to work, the male population had to have an interest in spending time with me.

So I did what any other certifiably insane young adult with a special penchant for self-deprecating humor would do. I googled "How to get a date". After a few, I'll just say interesting, articles, I came across some of the same ridiculous suggestions that my mother has been giving me for years (don't call everyone dude, stop wearing your brother's clothes, make eye contact, and nonsense like that).  Needless to say, I quickly realized I would have to do this alone.

I conjured up a few really good ways to meet men. My personal favorite was drive around in a nice neighborhood and wait until you get behind an attractive male in a nice car. Then ever so slightly rear-end him at a stoplight. You will have to exchange phone numbers and he will have to agree to seeing you again in the future, the 2 steps that have always eluded me in the past. My friends somehow managed to talk me out of this method before I could finish planning it out.

Without misdemeanor traffic violations to fall back on, I rounded up some of my favorite pick up lines, at least 50% of which were Harry Potter themed. I had grown really attached to Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next boyfriend. and I lost my phone number, can I have yours? when a good friend pointed out that in order for these lines to have a chance to work, I would have to say them. To boys. Out loud. Where they can hear me.

Actual human to human interaction never was my strong suit, so it's back to the plotting board. I try to stay strong and tell myself that if Vladimir Putin and Tom Cruise could both convince someone to marry them, I can't be too far behind. But in the meantime, if you or a loved one has recently been dumped, give me a call. It is my sincerest hope that someday soon, young singles will find inspiration in my success story, telling themselves, if that nutcase found love, so can I.