Times Harry Potter Should Have Been Mean Girls

I hope you're all familiar with the Mean Girls Hunger Games tumblr because it is mahogany! And by mahogany I of course mean mega genius. I have been a huge proponent of combining 2 things you like to get something you love ever since Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston first got together. I admit that I almost gave up on the theory when they split but as usual, empty carbohydrates were there for me. Think about it. Chocolate + peanut butter = Reese's. Chicken + spaghetti = chicken parmesan. Chocolate + anything = chocolate-covered awesomeness. But it doesn't just work for food.

Late Friday night I had the stroke of genius to combine Harry Potter and Mean Girls. You're welcome.

"Bellatrix's hair is so big because it's full of evil."
This is how the best character of the series should have been introduced. It really says it all.

"I mean, it's just the elder wand. We could really just..."
When Harry breaks the elder wand at the end of the last movie, he should have given a piece to everyone who deserved to be Spring Fling Queen (Ron, Hermoine, Neville, Professor McGonagall, Hagrid).

"They're life ruiners. They ruin people's lives."
I imagine this as a bonding scene where Siruis explains dementors to Harry. Could also be used when the Death Eaters enter a scene.

"I have this theory that if you shaved off all her hair, she'd look like Voldemort."
How to describe the less-fortunate looking of the wizarding world. A particularly cruel way to refer to magical creatures without noses.

"One time, Fleur Delacour met John Stamos on a plane, and he told her she was pretty!"
Right after the triwizard tournament competitors are announced the camera should have panned over to Hogwarts students revealing tidbits about Krum, Diggory and Delacour.

"I hear his hair is insured for $10,000."
Lucius Malfoy's hair has its own stunt double. True story. He needs to keep it lush and flowing for when he does car commercials in Japan. Why do you think the Malfoy's are so rich?

"You can't sit with us!"
 I think Voldemort should use this line when he orders Nagini to eat someone. Ron could use it when Ginny gets to Hogwarts and tries to hang around. Ginny is my least favorite character of the whole series. That's saying a lot.

"That is social suicide!"
Whenever a first year says they hope they get Hufflepuff Ron should be there to remind them of this. I mean Hufflepuff? Really? Might as well be a squib.

"Four points for you Gryffindor, you go Gryffindor."
When Gryffindor comes back and wins the House Cup, Dumbledore should have announced the victory this way while everyone else LOLed at Slytherin.

"I just have a lot of feelings."
Moaning Myrtle when anyone asks her about how she got her name. Chamber of Secrets will always be my favorite but she almost ruined it. Myrtle's voice is worse than a mandrake's scream, am I right?

"She doesn't even go here."
Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts and everyone realizes that she is actually the most evil character in the entire series. Someone should have jumped up and screamed "She doesn't even go here!" every single time she made Filch hang up a new rule.

"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me but I can't help it that I'm so popular."
Pansy Parkinson when everyone just stares at her when she suggests they turn Harry over to the dark lord and the Minerva orders her taken to the dungeon.

"Tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back."
Hermoine to Lavender in the hospital after Ron unknowingly reveals who really has his heart. Hermoine would never be that forward or cruel, but someone seriously needs to have a talk with Lavender. Like what is her damage?

I want to end this post by explaining the fundamental difference between me and my good friend Chris. Chris will always miss 100% of the dunks he doesn't take. I will always miss 100% of the dunks I do take.

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

If you are one of the lucky few readers who have been following White Girl Wednesday from the beginning (AKA my mother), congratulations! It's been a whole year since my first post! That's so crazy to me. It seems like just yesterday I was telling my friends I was going to start a blog and they were telling me they would never read it. Now, a year later, we have all kept our promises.

I want to thank each and every person who has read my blog over these past 12 months, especially the 2 of you who clicked on advertisements because you have fulfilled my lifelong dream of being a paid writer. After 52 posts since February 20, 2013, I am a whole 66 cents richer. And I couldn't be more thrilled.

So in honor of White Girl Wednesday's first birthday, today's blog post is a quiz to determine what type of white girl you are. There is a basic white girl who is "literally dying" because she "just can't" inside each and every one of us. And she is dying to get out. And go to Starbucks.

WHICH WHITE GIRL ARE YOU QUIZ?

What was your first love like?
A-An older guy who supported my feminism and my music, we enriched each other.
B-A total dreamboat, too cute in a suit, metro type but he wasn't really into me.
C-Brown hair, gray eyes, toothy smile. It broke my heart when I lost him to a girl with a pink dress. And a body.
D-I'm in love with the whole world, not just one person.
E-My best friend, we never stopped laughing.
F-A classmate who supported my ambitions and fell in love with my talent.

What is your favorite food?
A-Free trade black coffee and like all misunderstood rebels, hypocrisy.
B-Bubble gum and diet soda.
C-Pizza. Exactly one piece of pepperoni pizza.
D-Jelly beans and chocolate.
E-All of them.
F-Bagels and schmear. Warm water with lemon for my voice.

What is your favorite emoji?
A-The diamond, in an ironic way of course.
B-The princess (aka, me).
C-The colorful hearts.
D-The bunny.
E-The winking smiley face sticking out his tongue.
F-Microphone with music notes.

What is your favorite movie?
A-The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. The original. Without subtitles.
B-Casablanca.
C-Any Disney movie.
D-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
E-Bridesmaids!
F-Funny Girl.

Who is your favorite artist?
A-Etta James.
B-Radiohead. Obvi.
C-All Queen Bey, all the time.
D-Fiona Apple.
E-The Lonely Island.
F-Barbra Streisand.

What is your go-to song to sing in the shower?
A-I like to be alone with my thoughts.
B-Love Is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar.
C-Crazy Beautiful Life by Ke$ha.
D-The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson.
E-Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
F-Don't Rain on My Parade by Barbra Streisand.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
A-Continuing to empower women the world over while dressed in head to toe black.
B-Married to a stone cold fox, improving my vocabulary sporadically and running a match-making service.
C-Pretty much where I am now. Tossing back cosmopolitans and taking names.
D-Bringing magic and sunshine into the lives of everyone around me with my family.
E-Ummm...I don't know but I hope to be near the food 10 minutes from now.
F-Starring on Broadway and living on Park Avenue with my perfect stockbroker husband and 2.5 children.

The world can never have too much _______ ? 
A-Originality.
B-Shopping.
C-Attitude.
D-Magic.
E-Photobombing.
F-Singing.


Mostly As - Lorde
You are queen of the darkness and the type of individual hipsters look up to. You embrace your inner white girl by constantly flaunting your pale skin and you totally rock it. You may be just 17 going on 45 but you have a plan for tackling misogyny headfirst. Maybe try to mix some sugar into your Scary Spice routine once in awhile?

Mostly Bs - Cher Horowitz
Forever a 90s white girl, you're a total Betty who knows everything about love, fashion, and getting your way. So what if you're a virgin who can't drive? You know exactly how to get what you want in life and the universe loves you. The only thing holding you back is your attachment to twentieth century trends that should have died with chokers.

Mostly Cs - Sass Girl Emoji
You're what all basic white girls strive to be. You've turned sass into a true art form and take 0 crap from anyone. You always have the perfect comeback and know the importance of wearing pink on Wednesdays, and every other day. You're the only type of girl who can pull off yoga pants, Victoria's Secret hoodies and Uggs day in and day out.

Mostly Ds - Luna Lovegood
Your quirks have their own quirks, and that's what makes you YOU! You have a big smile and a bigger heart and you love the curious things in life. Some people find your unconventional personality weird but your love for the universe is endearing. Never be afraid to be the wind beneath your own freak flag.

Mostly Es - Jennifer Lawrence
The white girl next door, you're like one of the guys. Your hilarious antics always attract attention, but it is your talent that has made you America's sweetheart. You really don't care what anyone thinks of you and know that loving yourself no matter what is the key to true awesomeness. After every endeavor, you can say with confidence "Crushed it."

Mostly Fs - Rachel Berry
The type A, perfectionist white girl always chasing after success with everything you've got. Somewhat hated by enemies and friends alike, you will stop at nothing to achieve your perfect life. You've always been talented and you have the determination to turn it into major star power. Note to self, if you ever think about taking up songwriting, think again. See "My Headband".

Valentine's Day Playlist

In honor of Friday, also known as Valentine's Day (barf), this week's post is an Anti-Valentine's Day playlist. All the best songs to listen to (and inevitably belt) for when you hate happy people, complete with lyric highlights.

I Hate Everything About You
Three Days Grace
"But I still don't miss you yet."
 
No Scrubs
TLC
"I don't want your number. I don't wanna give you  mine."

Leave
JoJo
"Get out. Leave right now. It's the end of you and me."
 
U+UR Hand
P!nk
"Wanna dance by myself, guess you outta luck."
 
7 Things
Miley Cyrus 
"What I need to hear now, your sincere apology. When you mean it I'll believe it, if you text it I'll delete it."

On My Own
Samantha Barks
"Without me, his world would go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known."

Irreplaceable
Beyonce
"So since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing?"

Gone Forever
Three Days Grace 
"And in this world around me, I'm glad you disappeared."

Almost Lover 
A Fine Frenzy
The whole song. Seriously.

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Lea Michele & Glee Cast 
"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round."

You're Not Sorry
Taylor Swift
"So you don't have to call, anymore. I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, there's nothing left to beg for."

Don't Be A Girl About It
Kelly Clarkson
"I'm counting sheep while you're in love."

Jar of Hearts
Christina Perri
"I have grown too strong, to ever fall back in your arms."

I Don't Wanna Be In Love
Good Charlotte
"Everybody, put up your hands. Say I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love."

Candles
Hey Monday
"I am all alone. I don't really care at all, not answering my phone."

Bye Bye
Jo Dee Messina
"I've got pride, I'm takin it for a ride."

Devil in Me
Kate Voegele
"Please have mercy, you've unnerved me. I don't deserve this pain."

That Don't Impress Me Much
Shania Twain
"So you've got the moves but have you got the touch?"

Deuces
Chris Brown
"I know you mad but so what? I wish you best of luck. And now I'm finna throw them deuces up."

Before He Cheats
Carrie Underwood
"I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl. Cause the next time that he cheats, oh you know it won't be on me."

Picture to Burn
Taylor Swift
"And if you come around saying sorry to me, my daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be."

WhatShouldWeCallMeInMiddleSchool

One of my favorite hobbies is inventing new tumblrs that I sincerely hope someone out there will think of also and go ahead and make the actual tumblr because between training to be a trophy wife and my part time mermaid gig, I really haven't the time. Sometimes, I will admit, I have some pretty stupid ideas. Purrfection, for instance, was supposed to be a tumblr of cats that look like Beyonce. Needless to say, I couldn't get past the looking at pictures of Beyonce part. But my newest tumblr idea is genius. WhatShouldWeCallMeInMiddleSchool is a safe place for users to upload heinous photos of themselves as preteens because it is so important to learn from past mistakes. These are the pages that WhatShouldWeCallMeInMiddleSchool will feature.

Braces
I was really lucky (or unlucky) to begin my journey in orthodontia in the 3rd grade. My braces came off the summer before 7th grade, before I could really be embarrassed by them. When I first got my braces as an eight year old I was thrilled, I thought they made me look at least 9 and 3 quarters. But by the 6th grade, I was so over the braceface look (on myself, not the show with Alicia Silverstone, that was awesome).

No Make Up
My parents, the same parents who brought you (or should I say me?) the "no cell phone till you're 14" policy, obviously dead set on making me an outcast when all I wanted to be was the 3rd member of OutKast , did not let me wear makeup until high school. And it was brutal. I went all 3 years of middle school make up free, and if any of you have seen me without make up, you know how rough that was (and still is).

One Fashion Don't After Another
Cause that's all middle school is, right? Especially for those of us who were in middle school in the early 2000s. It was all about the big 4 - Aeropostale (which your parents undoubtedly pronounced air-o-pah-sul), American Eagle, Hollister and Abercrombie. Everytime you went to the mall all you really wanted was a tight t shirt with the store name in size 72 font across the boobs. That was the height of fashion, after all. But it got so much worse. Who else among us is still struggling to forget the lace-capped leggings and denim skirts phase? Or crocs being all the rage?

Basketball Warm Ups
I can't tell what was worse, the fact that we wore those trashbag material/XXL prison suits with pride or the fact that we thought we were beyond clever by calling them "cool downs" instead of warm ups. Also the fact that we always wore the jacket and the sweatpants together really multiplied how awful the whole scenario was. Just picture a dozen thirteen year olds wearing head to toe navy nylon. 

That Hair Doe
There were so many hair atrocities in middle school that I hardly know where to begin. So I'll start with my own. It was shorter than shoulder length and had this terrible, what can only be described as a hump, on the right side at the top of my skull. I like to pretend hair straighteners weren't invented until 2009 but in reality, I was just way behind. And then there were the bangs. Now I learned from 2nd grade that bangs weren't my thing, although they would have really helped my widow's peak situation. But almost everyone else had bangs. They would scrunch their hair and straighten their bangs. But we musn't judge, it was a different world back then.

All that being said, I just want to issue a huge apology to any and everyone who knew me in middle school. I was a hot mess, extra mess, hold the hot. And I have some friends that have stood by me since those dark ages. To them, I would like to say, you all must be even more messed up than I am if you can't find newer, prettier friends to replace me. Love ya, mean it.