A word to the wise, and also to my fellow white girls, when you are anywhere even partially public there is a 100% chance that no one wants to hear your conversations (unless of course you are me and Taylor, we are hilarious and tour Chapel Hill via public transport incidentally bringing joy and laughter to everyone we happen to meet). This post was inspired by my recent adventures at the lake. I am going to take you through the transformation of my own self-image that occurred thanks to experiencing what we were really like when I witnessed a group of middle or high schoolers at the lake today. My sincere apologies and a heartfelt thank you to everyone who did not throw things at our stupid faces.
The Events of Our First Trip to the Lake As I Perceived Them Last Week
Arrive at lake.
Neatly and quietly lay down our blanket and set our stuff down.
Continue to respectfully and quietly soak in the sun, minding our own business.
Read our Bibles.
Keep chatter to a minimum volume.
Smile politely at everyone who makes eye contact as if to say "thank you for being here, isn't today pleasant?"
Transition to the water and gracefully swim out to the floating pipes that form the boating/swimming boundary.
Do not squeal or shriek at the water temperature.
Sit on floating pipes like ladies, being mindful and respectful of other lake-goers on the pipes.
Stay put until coming back to the beach to lay out again.
Repeat, drawing no attention.
Leave lake as quietly as we came.
Add a dash of hindsight, mix well. Let simmer.
The Events of Our First Trip to the Lake As I Perceive Them Now
Arrive at lake in most annoying way possible.
Be completely obnoxious as we carry our things to the beach area.
Get sand everywhere when trying to lay down our blanket.
Subsequently gather blanket up and rearrange it. Loudly.
Talk about completely stupid things VERY LOUDLY.
Snarl and sneer at everyone fixed in our gazes with a look of utter disdain.
Talk about everyone around us at a volume that is perfectly audible to them.
Take to the water like newborn giraffes, splashing everyone within a 10 foot radius and yelling that the water is too cold.
Continue to walk to the pipes while arm flapping and repeating "I can't"s because against all odds, the mid-May lake water isn't a balmy 85 degrees.
Make it to the pipes approximately 13 months later and spend the whole time bouncing up and down, trying to jostle each other off and employing other means of horseplay.
All the while continuing to talk loudly about anything and everything, topics that no sane person would actually care to overhear a conversation on. (Ex: hairlines, nail beds, people we know from preschool, what colors work well with our natural eyelash hue, if butter is a carb or not...etc.)
Get out of the water with even more noise and utter disruption than when we got in, even though no one thought it possible.
Continue to talk loudly and disturb everyone around us until our annoying cackles are no longer ringing in their ears.
Sorry we suck.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
We Deserve Answers Mr. President
The idea for today's post came to me when a colleague of mine came up with a hard-hitting question that must be asked of the Obama administration. Wait for it...what is the plural form of the word "prius"?
I honestly don't know how Toyota workers wake up everyday and go to work without an official answer to this crucial question. I mean are they selling pruises or prii, who even knows? I'll tell you this, I always knew how to pronounce the plural form of cars when Bush was president. Fords. Chryslers. But Obama brings in these foreign companies and things get complicated. Maybe pronouncing words like "camry" "tundra" and "matrix" comes naturally to the native speakers of Japan but not to true Americans.
Caroline's inquiry inspired me to compose a formal list out of the running queue of questions I have for this alleged Barack Hussein Obama and his entire White House. THE AMERICAN PUBLIC HAS A NEED, NAY, A RIGHT, TO KNOW THESE THINGS MR. PRESIDENT! WE DEMAND ANSWERS!
First question - Are you aware of the decrease in socially acceptable behavior from and significant overall sharp decline of the starlets who were nothing if not proper young ladies under former President Bush? (See: Miley Cyrus, Amanda Bynes, Taylor Momsen, et cetera and et cetera.) What do you have to say for yourself?
Second question - Classic television series such as ER, Friday Night Lights, Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Hannah Montana were all cancelled since you took office. The American public deserves an explanation. Now I will concede that the unraveling of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was beyond your control. Jon pretty much shot that horse in the face himself. And to be fair, The Oprah Winfrey Show also ended during your reign, which certainly helps my opinion of you. But what characters are replacing the wrongly terminated hits? Honey Boo Boo. New Kardashians are being born every day to populate the soon to be K! Network. While the unemployed Hannah Montana was forced to strip to make ends meet. Don't the American people deserve more from the man they trusted?
Third question - In the first 365 days following your election, iTunes raised song prices from the user-friendly and totally acceptable $0.99 to an unheard of and utterly preposterous $1.29. It is estimated that 1 in every 5 American teenagers still have trust issues from the sudden price hike. What would you say to the all the youth whose lives you, for lack of a better word, destroyed?
Fourth question - During your presidency, former NBA star Dennis Rodman has traveled back and forth to North Korea numerous times. My question is, through what egregious breach of U.S. security was he allowed back into our country?
Fifth question - Remember that time you let Hostess shut down? Cause I sure do. And I won't soon forget.
Sixth and final question - In March 2014 it appeared that Leonardo DiCaprio would finally get his long awaited Oscar. After being slighted countless times in the past, he was set to finally receive the Best Actor Academy Award he so richly deserves when Matthew McConaughey stole the prize for most amazing weight loss, I mean performance. Now I have seen neither film but I still consider myself more qualified to comment on this travesty than any other current members of Obama's fan club, also known as the national press. The way I see it, DiCaprio was nominated for portraying a highly successful stockbroker, basically someone who captured "the American Dream". McConaughey won for playing an AIDS patient. What are you telling children to aspire to Mr. President?
I honestly don't know how Toyota workers wake up everyday and go to work without an official answer to this crucial question. I mean are they selling pruises or prii, who even knows? I'll tell you this, I always knew how to pronounce the plural form of cars when Bush was president. Fords. Chryslers. But Obama brings in these foreign companies and things get complicated. Maybe pronouncing words like "camry" "tundra" and "matrix" comes naturally to the native speakers of Japan but not to true Americans.
Caroline's inquiry inspired me to compose a formal list out of the running queue of questions I have for this alleged Barack Hussein Obama and his entire White House. THE AMERICAN PUBLIC HAS A NEED, NAY, A RIGHT, TO KNOW THESE THINGS MR. PRESIDENT! WE DEMAND ANSWERS!
First question - Are you aware of the decrease in socially acceptable behavior from and significant overall sharp decline of the starlets who were nothing if not proper young ladies under former President Bush? (See: Miley Cyrus, Amanda Bynes, Taylor Momsen, et cetera and et cetera.) What do you have to say for yourself?
Second question - Classic television series such as ER, Friday Night Lights, Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Hannah Montana were all cancelled since you took office. The American public deserves an explanation. Now I will concede that the unraveling of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was beyond your control. Jon pretty much shot that horse in the face himself. And to be fair, The Oprah Winfrey Show also ended during your reign, which certainly helps my opinion of you. But what characters are replacing the wrongly terminated hits? Honey Boo Boo. New Kardashians are being born every day to populate the soon to be K! Network. While the unemployed Hannah Montana was forced to strip to make ends meet. Don't the American people deserve more from the man they trusted?
Third question - In the first 365 days following your election, iTunes raised song prices from the user-friendly and totally acceptable $0.99 to an unheard of and utterly preposterous $1.29. It is estimated that 1 in every 5 American teenagers still have trust issues from the sudden price hike. What would you say to the all the youth whose lives you, for lack of a better word, destroyed?
Fourth question - During your presidency, former NBA star Dennis Rodman has traveled back and forth to North Korea numerous times. My question is, through what egregious breach of U.S. security was he allowed back into our country?
Fifth question - Remember that time you let Hostess shut down? Cause I sure do. And I won't soon forget.
Sixth and final question - In March 2014 it appeared that Leonardo DiCaprio would finally get his long awaited Oscar. After being slighted countless times in the past, he was set to finally receive the Best Actor Academy Award he so richly deserves when Matthew McConaughey stole the prize for most amazing weight loss, I mean performance. Now I have seen neither film but I still consider myself more qualified to comment on this travesty than any other current members of Obama's fan club, also known as the national press. The way I see it, DiCaprio was nominated for portraying a highly successful stockbroker, basically someone who captured "the American Dream". McConaughey won for playing an AIDS patient. What are you telling children to aspire to Mr. President?
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
90s Kid Problems
- all my best movies are on VHS and there is approximately 1 working VCR player in the world
- the single worst day of my life, the day my mother gave away my EasyBake Oven
- my younger siblings will never appreciate all of the effort that went into the CDs I burned for them
- we are the only generation who understands that what Hit Clips lack in efficiency and functionality they make up for in cool
- kids these days do not appreciate the cinematic genius that is Julia Roberts
- I used to like science until Zoom got cancelled
- same with animals and Zoboomafoo
- ViewFinders aren't a popular kids toy anymore and that is total bull
- I never owned a slinky I didn't bend beyond all repair
- the new DCOMs (Disney Channel Original Movies) are TERRIBLE and they don't show the old ones
- Dunk-a-roos disappeared
- this generation will never understand the stress of calling the family land line when you needed to talk to your best friend
- my favorite Degrassi characters are old enough to be the parents of my younger brother's favorite Degrassi characters
- Hershey's Sweet Escapes are gone #neverforget
- everything about dail up internet
- having to buy an entire CD for 1 song
- Pixie Sticks are nowhere to be found and they could have really helped me out during exam week
- the pain of realizing a new friend's phone number isn't in the phone book so basically you can't be friends
- before cell phones there was no way to cancel plans within 24 hours of said plans, a blessing and a curse
- the hassle of recording a show or movie on a VHS tape was almost never worth it
- apparently it's frowned upon to take lecture notes with gel pens in college
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
21 Things I'm Thankful For
This Wednesday is the 21st anniversary of my birth, so it is only fitting that I take this opportunity to remind you all that while May 7th is in fact, 100% about me, there are so many other things to be thankful for today.
1 The websites that have helped me stay awake through many a boring lecture, Buzzfeed, Tumblr (TL; DR Wikipedia, WhatShouldWeCallMe, HowDoIPutThisGently), and last but not least the official sponsor of my collegiate career, Wikipedia.
2 My wonderful "friends" who have used the magical coincidence of my birthday falling on Woman Crush Wednesday to post hideous pictures of me all over social media.
3 The Arby's drive through workers in Carrboro for pretending not to notice me come several times a week and purchase the meal for 2 when they can clearly see I'm riding alone.
4 The USA network, for showing Law and Order: SVU nearly constantly, thus saving from my life long phobia of doing schoolwork.
5 Reese's, M&Ms, and all other companies that have pledged their full support for the union of chocolate and peanut butter.
6 Red Bull, or liquid life as a certain Caroline calls it, for getting me through exam week.
7 My parents, for having the suitable blend of genes that resulted in me not having an outie belly button.
8 Sara Bareilles for staring through my soul with every song she writes and understanding my mood swings better than I do. Seriously, she saves me.
9 NickMom for showing The New Adventures of Old Christine reruns every night because my life could always use more Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
10 Everyone who has ever heard me sing and is still friends with me. I don't know how y'all do it.
11 My BEAUTIFUL friend Austyn for being herself and my nug 4 lyfe. I LOVE YOU.
12 Otters for reminding us all that we never get too old to hold hands with our best friends while we fall asleep.
13 Every food item that involves lemon, my absolute favorite flavor in the world.
14 Miles Teller. Because I am beyond in love with him and everything he does. He is yes.
15 Bath and Body Works for introducing me to the heaven on earth that is eucalyptus-spearmint.
16 Ronald Reagan for being the best president that America will ever know, and my personal hero.
17 My beautiful roommates for throwing me not one but two amazing birthday parties and pretending that "Mermaid Masquerade" is a totally legitimate party theme.
18 J.K. Rowling for writing Harry Potter and for what I'm sure will be a prompt response to my email inquiry as to why Pottermore placed me, a clear Ravenclaw, in Slytherin.
19 The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill for scheduling the last day of exams to be the day before my birthday, which made it all the more epic. I almost forgive you for making me write a paper on my half-birthday now.
20 Every Disney soundtrack because you've all helped me forge my own path in life and dance all over it to my own air guitar.
21 Beyonce.
1 The websites that have helped me stay awake through many a boring lecture, Buzzfeed, Tumblr (TL; DR Wikipedia, WhatShouldWeCallMe, HowDoIPutThisGently), and last but not least the official sponsor of my collegiate career, Wikipedia.
2 My wonderful "friends" who have used the magical coincidence of my birthday falling on Woman Crush Wednesday to post hideous pictures of me all over social media.
3 The Arby's drive through workers in Carrboro for pretending not to notice me come several times a week and purchase the meal for 2 when they can clearly see I'm riding alone.
4 The USA network, for showing Law and Order: SVU nearly constantly, thus saving from my life long phobia of doing schoolwork.
5 Reese's, M&Ms, and all other companies that have pledged their full support for the union of chocolate and peanut butter.
6 Red Bull, or liquid life as a certain Caroline calls it, for getting me through exam week.
7 My parents, for having the suitable blend of genes that resulted in me not having an outie belly button.
8 Sara Bareilles for staring through my soul with every song she writes and understanding my mood swings better than I do. Seriously, she saves me.
9 NickMom for showing The New Adventures of Old Christine reruns every night because my life could always use more Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
10 Everyone who has ever heard me sing and is still friends with me. I don't know how y'all do it.
11 My BEAUTIFUL friend Austyn for being herself and my nug 4 lyfe. I LOVE YOU.
12 Otters for reminding us all that we never get too old to hold hands with our best friends while we fall asleep.
13 Every food item that involves lemon, my absolute favorite flavor in the world.
14 Miles Teller. Because I am beyond in love with him and everything he does. He is yes.
15 Bath and Body Works for introducing me to the heaven on earth that is eucalyptus-spearmint.
16 Ronald Reagan for being the best president that America will ever know, and my personal hero.
17 My beautiful roommates for throwing me not one but two amazing birthday parties and pretending that "Mermaid Masquerade" is a totally legitimate party theme.
18 J.K. Rowling for writing Harry Potter and for what I'm sure will be a prompt response to my email inquiry as to why Pottermore placed me, a clear Ravenclaw, in Slytherin.
19 The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill for scheduling the last day of exams to be the day before my birthday, which made it all the more epic. I almost forgive you for making me write a paper on my half-birthday now.
20 Every Disney soundtrack because you've all helped me forge my own path in life and dance all over it to my own air guitar.
21 Beyonce.
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