The AcadeME Awards

Confession: I haven't seen any of the movies getting Oscar buzz. A lot of them sound super sad and I just don't see how La La Land can live up to the hype. Look at what happened to the Titanic - the actual ship, not the film, that was a massive success. So I decided to make up my own Academy Awards with categories I actually care about. If you are particularly passionate about sound mixing or production design, please comment below and I'll gladly delete that comment. Just kidding. I don't know how to delete comments.

Best Abs
Gods of Egypt
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates was a really close second, but have you guys seen Gods of Egypt? Two words. Jaime Lannister. This film is now my 3rd favorite thing vaguely related to Egyptian mythology after The Mummy ride at Universal and Osiris skate shoes. (I was so fake emo in middle school, but weren't we all?)

Best Attempt at Making Jane Austen Resonate With Younger Generations
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Most of my students can quote some ruffian who calls himself Lil Uzi Vert but have no idea who Jane Austen is. That breaks my heart. People are really into zombies and some guy named Glenn these days so I remain hopeful. My little cousin had a zombie-themed party...which I thought was a costume party. What can I say? I commit.

Best Blatant Rip-Off of This Very Blog
How To Be Single
Perhaps some readers will recall my blogpost back in June of 2015 with the same name. If not, click here. The movie was good but it went way off script. I wrote nothing about having a secretly rich friend or even a job. Rebel Wilson was hilarious as usual but I thought Alison Brie's neurotic, female Ted Mosby-type really stole the show. It was like looking at a better-dressed and less pathetic me.

Biggest Disappointment
The Divergent Series: Allegiant 
This movie wasn't all bad. For instance, we saw a lot more of Miles Teller, one of my top 5 celebrity crushes. But I got confused (and exhausted) with all the running around. I loved these books and the first two films but this one left me wanting less action and more...I don't know, but not action.

Best Film Adaptation of a Book I Read
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Fantastic Beasts had an edge over The 5th Wave because it resulted in a ton of new Harry Potter merch, which gave me the perfect excuse to again ask my mother for a Harry Potter-themed wedding. She still says no. Actually she says I need to get engaged first. She's a savage.

Best Makeup Inspiration
Alice Through the Looking Glass
Urban Decay came out with an amazing eyeshadow palette inspired by this Tim Burton sequel. But despite what my 14-year-old self thought, I will never be the type of girl who can pull of blue eyeshadow. Fortunately, I'm also not the type of girl who cares how my eyeshadow looks. And I went through a big magenta phase to prove it.

Best Movie That My Dad Would Actually Watch
Free State of Jones
I feel pretty confident in saying that this is probably the only film released in the last decade and not produced by a church that my father didn't hate. And since his favorite film of all time is Stripes you know he's a very discerning movie critic. 

Best Sequel
Now You See Me 2
Sorry Zoolander 2 and Finding Dory, but I gotta go with Now You See Me 2. I LOVED the first film and this one was even better because Lizzy Caplan is a talent who graces our theaters too seldom. There was cardistry, legerdemain and between Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson, so much snark. If you wanna hang out with me, I am always down to watch this again. 

Best Social Commentary Disguised as a Children's Film
Zootopia
I've seen this 3 times. I still tear up thinking about its message of acceptance, fighting stereotypes and Shakira. Judy and Nick are pretty great but my favorite character is Fru Fru the shrew. I'm really hoping she gets a spinoff. Called Shrewtopia. I'm sorry, I don't blame you if you stop reading here.

Best Soundtrack
Moana
Lin-Manuel Miranda is somewhat of a ringer. There was no way this award would go to any other movie. My cousins and I all love this soundtrack but I can sing it way better than them. Because they're 3 and 4.
 
Best Use of Jenny Slate
The Secret Life of Pets
Jenny just really wasn't utilized to her full potential in Zootopia and I'm still upset that the sheep were the bad guys when everyone knows that sheep are not only super sweet but also incredibly dumb and therefore completely incapable of masterminding a major criminal coup.

Dumbest Concept
The Angry Birds Movie
Even my 12-year-old brother didn't want to see this and he watches some really dumb stuff. Like YouTube videos that claim Jar Jar Binks is a Sith lord. Also the timing is just way off, Angry Birds peaked in popularity years ago. Imagine how dumb it would be if Versace released a line of Silly Bandz now.

Worst Film
Kubo and the Two Strings
I'll admit, I haven't seen this but the commercials alone made me want to die. There's like a bug and a baboon thing? If this were narrated by David Attenborough I'd be all over it. And what's up with the strings? Is this double dutch? Knitting? Is Kubo gonna bust out a dope cat's cradle? No one will fund a Notting Hill musical no matter how many letters I write but we can shell out some cash for Kubo? Hollywood is a racket.

Knox Fooling Anyone

Today's post is a chronicle of my thoughts while watching Netflix's Amanda Knox special. Twice.

Let me just start off by saying that when you Google search Amanda Knox her descriptor is American woman. Like how Ed Sheeran's is singer-songwriter and Beyonce's is goddess most divine. Amanda's claim to fame is being an American woman. So I sang along with The Guess Who while writing this post.

As every true crime addict slash magazine reader knows, Amanda Knox was considered guilty by the media for her lack of grief when her roommate Meredith Kercher was murdered in Italy. But is that fair? She was deemed a sociopath for her lack of emotions but she had only known the girl for a few weeks. I also have a hard time crying at the appropriate times. I might bawl for an hour when my favorite Project Runway contestant gets eliminated but will never cry during Marley & Me. Does that make me a monster? So for fairness's sake let's examine the other evidence.

Our story begins in Seattle. Amanda's hometown. Everyone in the Pacific Northwest is a psychopath, all that rain makes people do crazy things. Case closed. She says she had a happy life before Italy. Happy? In Seattle? I don't buy it. This girl is hiding something.

Amanda heads over to Italy to carbo-load for a year. She is staying in a "flat" (European word for house?) with British student Kercher and 2 Italian women. Seems like the Italians were never suspects. Smells like home Italian cooking, and I don't mean the Olive Garden.

Living my teenage dream, upon her arrival Amanda receives a stamp in her passport and an Italian boyfriend named after a ninja turtle. This Raffaele character...his accent is adorable. Listening to him reminded me that Italians like to add an h to the beginning of words that start with vowels. My game theory professor did the same thing. Amanda brags about how wonderful Raffaele is by mentioning that he wanted to get her a perfume...which is code for you stink. That ain't romance girl.

Without further ado, let's dive right into murder! The crime scene is explained and we hear from lead prosecutor Giuliano Mignini himself. While I love watching La Vita E Bella in the original Italian, the subtitles here are frustrating me because I can no longer play spider solitaire while I watch.

And we have another guest star. Nick Pisa, a British journalist who speculates on why locals were so willing to talk to him. "Wow I've got a big British journalist talking to me, I'm now a big star as well." This guy is really overestimating his importance. Self-proclaimed "big" British journalists fall somewhere below Miley Cyrus's siblings in American fame. I don't know...something about the conversion rate? Nick Pisa Crap talks about the power trip he got from covering this case. It becomes clear that Nick committed the murder to further his own career. Roughly 20 minutes into this documentary and I already know whodunnit.

Knox's alibi for the night of the murder is an evening in with her boyfriend. She says they watched the French film Amelie and the read German Harry Potter? Come o! No American is THAT multi-cultural. We barely understand the metric system that's just playing tug of war with a decimal. Now you're going to tell me that in addition to Italian and French, Knox has mastered German, a language so difficult that Mark Twain, one of the most brilliant American minds of all time, wrote an entire essay about it's complexity? I'm skeptical.

As Amanda recalls finding the crime scene, she claims that she didn't get creeped out by the blood in the bathroom and wasn't worried until she saw feces in the toilet which I think is totally valid. I cut myself shaving at least 9 times out of 10 because I refuse to put my book down to shave so blood in the bathroom could just mean that her roommate is as pathetic as I am. And just imagine coming home to find foreign feces in your toilet. I for one, would be terrified.

Side note - at this point I'm starting to doubt the subtitles. Either they're not telling us everything or it takes 5 Italian words to say 1 English word.

Now we search for a murder weapon. The investigators ask Amanda if any of the kitchen knives are missing. She's been there for less than a month. I've lived in my current apartment for over a year and I would have no idea if any of our knives were missing unless I pulled out 5 and they were labeled 1, 2, 3, 4, 6.

A few days after Meredith's body is discovered, Amanda and Raffaele are arrested. We hear a phone call between Amanda and an American friend who is probably the reason most people hate Americans. This girl is an idiot. She tells Amanda not to be scared but to remember she's 20 and with Raffaele, and that this is the best year of her life. I don't care if I'm with Jason Momoa AND Miles Teller, if I'm being accused of murder in a foreign country, this year sucks.

At this point Amanda's boyfriend Raffaele says he was home alone the night of the murder, changing his story and saying that Amanda wasn't with him. He claims Amanda pressured him to lie and be her alibi and he seems so naive and innocent but I think that's just the language barrier speaking (in broken English). This is just like Emerald City, I don't know who to trust.

The Netflix special shows the text message Amanda says she received from her boss the night of the murder, a text that relieved her from work duties for the evening. This message clearly says "ci vediamo" and as everyone who has seen The Lizzie McGuire Movie knows, that means we will see each other, exactly what Amanda said that the text read. Another international crime solved by Hilary Duff.

Welcome back Nick Pisa bragging about how famous he is thanks to this poor girl's murder. He says "I don't think I ever had so many front pages" so...yeah he definitely travels the world committing crimes to he can report on them and become a "big British journalist" which sounds like the plot of a movie I fell asleep during.

We finally find the murder weapon, a knife, in Raffaele's house. But again, no one suspects him which is a testimony to how sexist (and trusting of DNA evidence) people are. Amanda's DNA is on the knife handle while Meredith's DNA is on the blade. Highly suspicious. Knox admits she can't explain it but I can. Who among us hasn't used a knife to cut something and then licked the knife and put it back in the drawer? Just me? I'm so glad my roommates don't support my artistic endeavors by reading this blog. I'm saving water really, you should all be thanking me.

Enter some guy named Rudy Guede, a local thief, whose DNA was all over the apartment. And even though everyone still thinks Amanda is totally guilty, Rudy is convicted and is currently in jail for the murder. But the documentary isn't over yet because his story wasn't interesting enough. I get that this special is called Amanda Knox and not Rudy Guede for a reason but that fact that he is sentenced to 16 years and discussed here for less than 16 minutes makes him seem like a scapegoat.

We're back to "Foxy Knoxy" now as the media calls her. She's portrayed as the ultimate femme fatale even though she looks more Jessica Biel than Jessica Rabbit. During the trial it comes out that Amanda and Meredith were basically opposites...that makes for a cute sitcom not a homicide.

Amanda and Raffaele are both found guilty and sentenced to 26 years and 25 years respectively. Not sure why she gets an extra year but I'm not thrilled about it. Amanda and Raffaele break up after their whirlwind 5 day romance because apparently when you renege on being someone's alibi, they fall out of love with you.

Two years later Amanda is able to appeal the DNA evidence. A reporter comments on how she could use some makeup. She's been in jail for 2 years dude not an Aveda salon. During the appeal we learn that a vital piece of DNA evidence was found 46 days after the murder. And it only takes two Italian years of assumed guilt for everyone to realize that this is insane. And we haven't even gotten to the DNA contamination on the murder weapon yet.

Now we see a series of interviews with Americans commenting on the situation. Donald Trump tells everyone to boycott Italy. That's not even a joke he literally said that.

Finally Amanda and Raffaele are acquitted based on insufficient proof and Knox returns to Seattle and is more than welcomed by a horde of reporters.

Then...like 4 years later, Italy changes their mind and is just like hang on, can I change my answer? This is totally not fair in my (correct) opinion. After a new guilty verdict which is eventually reversed by the Italian version of the Supreme Court, Italy says they are acquitted because they didn’t commit the crimes. I find that hilarious because Law & Order will normally say something to the effect of “dismissed due to insufficient evidence" so it's pretty obnoxious of Italy to unilaterally proclaim their innocence. In any event, it is agreed that Italy should not be making any major decisions ever again.

Italians are pissed, like have some gelato guys.

Amanda goes back to Seattle and thanks her…fans?

Raffaele says he doesn’t know how to start over after 4 years in prison, 6 months in solitude. That’s horrific. I would give up after 6 minutes in solitary confinement. I need to live in a herd. Amanda also has a hard time adjusting. When she's in line at the grocery store people will talk to her about how they know her from the news which is a great way to get killed if you think she's the murderer. Morons.

The British journalist says we have to point a finger at the police and prosecution but of course the real murderer would say that. He explains that journalism leaves no time for double checking which is the exact opposite of what I was taught. In journalism school.

After an hour and a half I've decided that Nick Pisa is the real sociopath here. I have no idea who killed Meredith Kercher. And I am never going to maybe/maybe not commit a crime in Italy.

This case is now 3rd on my list of questions to ask God in Heaven right behind who killed JonBenet Ramsey and why do mini M&Ms taste so much better than regular M&Ms?

I'm Calling You Out Chef Boyardee

This is not meant to be a list of accusations or indictments of any kind. I'm not trying to ruin Chef Boyardee the way I destroyed Shari's Berries last year (she had it coming). Really, this is fan mail. I love Chef Boyardee products. Eat them almost every day for lunch, you can ask the co-workers who nod politely at my various stories about car trouble and parental neglect. So I figured that as a valued customer, the Chef himself might want to know what I'm thinking. Why spend thousands on test markets when the person who accounts for at least 3% of your market share will give you feedback for free? Some of you may say I expect too much of products that are all essentially "pasta in tomato and meat sauce" and cost less than a dollar.
You may say I'm a dreamer.
But I'm not the only one.


Spaghetti and Meatballs
Sometimes the meatballs look like they have moles on them. Other than that no complaints. Well done. I used to eat this with goldfish mixed in until I grew up and switched to Texas toast. If making sure that at least 85% of your meal is carbs is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Or live past 50.

Spaghetti and Meatballs (microwaveable cup) 
The texture of this is all wrong. Thin noodles. Soupy sauce. You had one job. Take the spaghetti and meatballs from the can. Place it in a microwavable cup. But you must have fiddled with the formula or something. So congratulations. You played yourself. And more importantly me because I keep buying these hoping they'll change. Ladies, you can't change a man, even a chef.

Lasagna
I don't eat the lasagna. Even I have standards. Lasagna should be served with a hearty layer of melted cheese on top and at least 3 pieces of garlic bread. Now if they come up with some canned garlic bread, I will sit in focus groups, take surveys and help troubleshoot that all day. But until then, stop serving canned lasagna. Have some decency.

Cheesy Burger Macaroni
How many foods can we fit into other foods? Also, is this the definition of American Exceptionalism? I think so! I've not tried this because I still have the tiniest bit of self-respect, but the moment that goes (sooner rather than later) I will report back on this flavor.

Pizza Maker
Again, I'm pretty content with this product. It's not as good as Missy's homemade pizza but it'll do. Although...if they wanted to make the pizza kit bigger...I wouldn't hate it. And there's always too much sauce. The sauce to dough ratio is way off, stop trying to sneak servings of vegetables onto my pizza! Call it marinara all you want, I see right through that.

Beefaroni
Sounds so wrong but tastes so right. And this actually tastes completely different from the spaghetti and ravioli even though the ingredients are all the same. You might not notice it but trust me, I have a very discerning palate. My youngest brother actually introduced me to beefaroni when he was in preschool if that tells you anything about my eating habits.

Chili Mac
There is no part of me that is willing to try this.  My discerning palate is also rather delicate. The description on this can literally reads "macaroni with beef in chili gravy." They lost me at "macaroni with beef" the rest of that sentence is just the chili gravy on top of the crap sandwich.

Chicken Ravioli
Now that's just sick. What will the sadists over at headquarters think of next? Honestly, who is buying this? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Unless you can't eat beef for religious reasons, that I totally respect but also, did you know, there is such a thing as cheese ravioli? Chicken ravioli is just wrong. And I'm a Southern Baptist, I know about chicken.

Mini Beef Ravioli & Meatballs
At least this is ravioli the way God intended it, but why the need for meatballs and beef in the ravioli? Doesn't that seem like overkill (of cows)?  You heard it here first. This alleged "Chef" Boyardee is trying to create a legion of child soldiers by amping up the protein. That's probably not true but being prepared for the worst-case scenario is never a bad idea.

Beef Ravioli
My favorite! I will burn my tongue on the ridiculous amount of sauce in here 9 days out of 10. But if you look at the picture below you will see that one time a shell snuck into my can of ravioli. Do I look like the type of person who eats shells? Don't answer that.

So Chef, if that is your real name, ball's in your court. Leave a comment with your contact information and we can discuss this over a few cans of beef ravioli. You bring the garlic bread.

Whaddaya Say $50K

Today's scheduled post, a stunning exposé of the Chef Boyardee corporation, has been sacked in favor of unapologetic shilling for the Carolina For the Kids Foundation, also known as Dance Marathon to has-beens like me. CFTK is trying to raise 50 THOUSAND DOLLARS today by 7 PM. So you can follow the links at the bottom to donate, or you can waste your money on these strange Amazon* finds. Choose wisely.

 

$5

Skull lip gloss ring
Grape flavor. These were all the rage when I was in elementary school. I had both pink and blue lip gloss rings. With sparkles. It's really a wonder that alone didn't secure my popularity.

30 stainless steel nose rings
I can almost guarantee your nostril jewelry needs do not exceed 5 nose rings. I don't care you who are. I'm looking at you, Lenny Kravitz.


1 adult Madagascar hissing cockroach
If your mom won't let you get a snake, this could be a great alternative. Or it could get you grounded for a month. Why risk it?

 

$10

Aerosol can coyote urine
Amazon would have you believe that you can use this scent to scare away unwanted animals. I'm pretty sure you could just use vinegar, or I don't know...loud noises? Bright lights? Literally anything other than the urine of a coyote?

Venus fly trap
Okay, admittedly this is pretty cool. If you abstain from purchasing this to make a donation, I will pull a Chrissy Teigen and send you a Venus fly trap.

Nicolas Cage pillowcase
Because who doesn't want to fall asleep gazing into the eyes of America's greatest national treasure? But this pillowcase will make getting out of bed in the mornings harder. I promise.

 

$15

Crazy cat lady action figure
Not sure what actions this lady is going to do. Open canned tuna? Knit? Die of cat scratch fever and be eaten alive by the animals who were formerly her only friends? A risky investment at best.

12 live hornworms
What are hornworms you ask? I have no idea but they certainly don't sound pleasant, do they? In any event, you probably don't need a dozen of them.

Canned unicorn meat
I'm pretty sure that eating this would be a sin tantamount to murder. And for me it would be cannibalism. Just say no to canned unicorn meat.

 

$20

Betty Crocker immersion blender 
Immersion blenders are cool, but how often do you really blend things? And why do you think you're too good for a regular blender? And how long will it take you to realize that hand blender and an immersion blender are the same thing? The clock starts now.

1 lb. replica of human body fat
If you've ever watched a daytime talk show, you've seen one of these bad boys enough to know that you don't need your own. If you're looking for motivation to lose weight just go bathing suit shopping, that always works for me.

Ham dogger
If you ever go extreme couponing and get a really good deal on hotdog buns, you can buy this machine that will convert your hamburger meat into a cylinder. Hailed as the kitchen tool you never knew you didn't need, the ham dogger combines ground beef with the subtle sophistication of eating a hotdog. 

 

$25

Marilyn Monroe dog costume
For the low, low price of $25, your canine companion will hate you forever. Trust me, I dyed my dog red, white and blue for the 4th of July one year. He still won't speak to me.

Electronic spin the bottle
My first question is why did this game survive the 80s? My second question is why does it need to be electronic?

1 Full body spandex suit
If you're not a Power Ranger or a cat burglar, you just don't need this. Would it be sweet? Yes. Is donating to CFTK just as sweet? No. It's actually much, much sweeter because look at this face.

$50 

Star Wars Furbacca 
This is the Furby version of Chewbacca. Chewy is great but if you lived through the 90s you know that Furbys are nothing short of satanic.

Squatty Potty 
A lot of science I don't care about went into making this product, the punchline is pyloric sphincter. 

5 rolls of glow in the dark toilet paper
Just...why? Who has this much time on their hands that they needed to invent glow in the dark toilet paper? There's a joke in there somewhere about poop on your hands, I haven't the time I'm working with a deadline here.

$75 

Wireless blood pressure monitor
If you go to my aunt's house you can take your blood pressure for free. DM me for her address slash to find out if I'm kidding about giving out the personal information of my family members.

5 lbs of dried pomegranate arils
Tempting, I know. If they were normal arils and not dried, I'd be right there with you. But you deserve juicy pomegranate arils. And these kids deserve our love and support.

Who Are You by The Who on vinyl
CSI is on Hulu. If you love this song that much, I've just provided you with a free alternative. You're welcome. Pay it forward.

$100

Mad Magazine from June 2015 signed by Weird Al
Not sure why this exists, I included it because unless you're Ted Mosby it shouldn't be tempting in the least. 

Opening bat coffin ring
Okay again, this would be sweet, but how often are you going to wear it? I know, every single day, me too. But we have to be strong.

The complete Golden Girls series on DVD
Totally rad. But if I can't have it, no one should. Send that cool hundy over to CFTK and next time there's a Golden Girls marathon on we can watch it together.


In conclusion, hopefully all of these items sound like things you can live without and you're realizing that money could be better spent if you donated it to the Carolina For The Kids Foundation and helped them raise $50K in one day! If I made these items sound so appealing that you just had to buy them and have no money left to donate, then I have really got to stop underestimating the power of my prose.


You can connect with CFTK on Facebook here, or learn more at the official website by clicking this link. To donate to the organization click here and to donate to my fundraising page to help me reach my goal of $300 for the kids, click here.

For the Kids-

Rachel




*Amazon would really LOVE for me to make sure my readers understand that I am in no way affiliated with them.