As 2015 comes to a close, I think I need to issue some retractions (or raetractions, if you will), to clear up a few things before the new year. I'm clarifying some opinions I have held in the past because they no longer accurately portray how I feel and how can any of us enter 2016 without fully understanding my thoughts on a variety of complex and trivial issues?
Mangagement Rings
I used to think that it was really dumb for a man to wear an engagement ring, but I've recently come around to the idea of mangagement rings. One of the first things I look at when I see a guy is his ring finger. I need to know his marital status so I can fully assess the situation. It's like a fun game, except how can I win the game when I don't even know who the players are? In fact, I want to enter a rookie league where all players have to wear jerseys that spell out the relationship status explicitly i.e. "proposing next week" or "doesn't believe in marriage" or "still in love with my ex".
"See you next year!"
You know how for pretty much the entire month of December people will say "see you next year!" and laugh as if it's original and hilarious? Yeah, I hate that. I still hate it, I just also do it myself. Which makes me hate myself, it's a vicious cycle. It just makes things dramatic so I try to use it in my favor. For instance, last night I realized that my checkbook only had a single check left. I tried to convince my father to let me use his checkbook since it would be next year before I got new checks. Didn't work.
Bandwagon Fans
I've always been an NC State fan, so I've never really had to deal with tons of posers pulling for my team because we're winning. But now that the Panthers are dominating the NFL, some of my fellow Panthers fans are getting frustrated with bandwagon fans. In middle school I used to claim bandwagoners were the worst even though, let's be real, there is no such thing as a bandwagon NC State fan. But with "bandwagon" Panthers fans, the more the merrier! I'm happy to have so many people interested in rooting for my team. And let me tell you, Cam Newton is a class act. He shows more grace after a loss than I would after a win. #GoPanthers #KeepPounding
"You couldn't pay me to ________."
This is a phrase that I say a lot to add shock value. My entire lexicon is nothing if not Kardashian quotes and hyperboles. I exaggerate a lot because it drives my mother crazy and I like for everyone to experience the depth of my emotions. I once asked a waitress for Dr. Pepper and when she told me they only had diet Dr. Pepper, I told her that made me want to die. Similarly, I will frequently claim that no amount of money would convince me to do something, a la "you couldn't pay me to live in Boston" or "you couldn't pay me to use a Droid". But I've reached the conclusion that this is simply not true, you actually could pay me to do a lot of things. I'd been known to say "you couldn't pay me to have a private Instagram account" and yet here I am with a private account because of my job. The irony does not escape me, the followers and likes do.
Weddings
I used to want a very traditional wedding with
the big, strapless dress, dancing, partying till dawn and all that jazz
(not actual jazz music, that makes me want to die). Then I wanted a 4th
of July wedding. Now I think I've (reluctantly) come to terms with the
fact that I might not get married on the 4th of July. So now, I want the
least traditional wedding possible and I haven't completely ruled out Harry Potter-themed
nuptials. First of all, ya girl needs sleeves. Tulle and lace are out, sleeves are in. No flowers. 2 minute ceremony. Nothing that you would see on
Pinterest. I told my mom I want a black wedding dress. She said no.
Nonfiction
I used to only have eyes for young adult
novels. Fiction was the love of my life and I was 0% interested in
cheating on my main genre. But in recent years I have discovered that
nonfiction includes more than Civil War history and _______ for Dummies.
Between Mindy Kaling, Ann Coulter, Stephen Colbert and my personal
favorite, David Sedaris, nonfiction and I are embarking on a beautiful
friendship. Okay maybe Sedaris is my second favorite nonfiction author
after myself, confidence is key.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
N[ew] England*
Recently some of my best friends have been considering moving to Boston to attend prestigious grad schools and work at world-famous hospitals. To those friends I would like to say congratulations, very impressive and not on my watch. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep you all from moving anywhere outside of a 40 mile radius from myself. That's not a threat. It's a promise.
So, without further ado, White Girl Wednesday is pleased to present: the top 15 reasons why Boston sucks. Please forgive us if your least favorite thing about Boston didn't make the list. It was extremely difficult narrowing the list down to 15 as there are so many truly awful facts about the area. So in a way, they're really all tied for number 1.
1. Frozen Tundra
Boston thinks it's the North Pole and that is a fact. I see so many women in North Carolina walking around in floor-length down coats, a wardrobe piece you really don't need south of the Mason-Dixon. But those women are probably from Boston where you need a parka (pahka) through August. Imagine wearing a pair of long johns under every outfit you own. They have to wear wetsuits to shower. It's heinous.
2. Bostonese
Bostonians and their cahs and pahks and blah blah blah. The only accent that makes less sense is the distinct Baltimore dialect made famous by Hairspray and Kathy Bates in AHS: Freak Show. And it's not just the accent, they have their own vocabulary. You would need to take a foreign language course to survive up there what with the bubblers and the shopping carriages it's insufferahble.
3. Paul Revere was a snitch.
'Nuff said.
4. Tom Brady
Imagine your kid gets invited to a birthday party with bouncy houses and a slide and an inflatable obstacle course. But when you get there, the bouncy houses and the slide and the obstacle course are all deflated. Welcome to Boston.
5. The Kennedys
JFK Jr. was the best (looking) one and he was gone too soon. No one even knows the second verse to Sweet Caroline, whether you believe it's about Caroline Kennedy or not.
6. Christmas is outlawed.
Yep, no celebrating Christmas in Boston. So if you happen to super love Christmas, maybe Boston just isn't right for you.
7. Clam chowder.
Abhorrent. Cream mixed with mollusk entrails. I just imagine myself sitting alone at a fancy dinner looking awkward while I stuff my face with oyster crackers, the only edible thing in sight. Not a good look, even on me.
8. Public executions of sea turtles.
That's right. You know how Bostonians are always heading to the Cape? It's to murder sear turtles! In public. And it is every bit as barbaric as it sounds.
9. Taylor Swift sold her house in Hyannis Port.
Somewhat related to reason 5, but stay with me. You know how after a breakup you avoid your ex like yellow fever (which was introduced to America via Boston circa 1693)? You move, dye your hair, get minor plastic surgery, and cut ties with all old friends to avoid ever seeing that person again. What if Taylor is doing that with Massachusetts? Something to consider.
10. Ted
That movie premise just freaks me out. I do not appreciate the teddy bear, which draws innocent children in before cursing or doing something crude. It's in poor taste. Thanks Boston. Thanks Marky Mark.
11. No vegetarian options.
I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. Boston doesn't offer vegetarian food at all. They put bacon in all their mac and cheese. The secret ingredient in Boston creme pie? Gizzards.
12. Clark Gregg is from Boston.
His first name is a last name and his last name is a first name. But more importantly, he was in The New Adventures of Old Christine, which was one of my favorite shows. Until it was cancelled. After 5 short seasons. And my life was pitched into turmoil in its absence. Is he the sole reason the show was cancelled? No. I just feel like he could have done more.
13. Zoom was cancelled.
Before P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney, there was Box 350 Boston, Mass., 02134. I wanted to be a cast member of Zoom so bad, but Boston went and cancelled it. Presumably at the same type of town council meeting where they all voted in favor of Mark Wahlberg's Bob Marley tattoo.
14. The Boston Tea Party
Tea has never been my cup of tea, but even I find dumping barrels of it into the harbor to be a little frivolous. There are better ways to send a message to the British than the equivalent of a passive-aggressive post-it note. I learned the hard way, people in England really can't see what we're doing over here on America's East coast. Take my word for it.
15. Expensive
Boston is not that affordable. It's as if whoever is setting the prices hasn't read this blog post. Of course they probably haven't, but I don't think that's any excuse. You've seen all these reasons why Boston is utterly repulsive. Yet their hotels and restaurants still charge ridiculous prices like it's Chapel Hill or Raleigh or something. Incorrigible.
*It's mildly important that no one attempts to research these facts. Just trust me and let the system work.
So, without further ado, White Girl Wednesday is pleased to present: the top 15 reasons why Boston sucks. Please forgive us if your least favorite thing about Boston didn't make the list. It was extremely difficult narrowing the list down to 15 as there are so many truly awful facts about the area. So in a way, they're really all tied for number 1.
1. Frozen Tundra
Boston thinks it's the North Pole and that is a fact. I see so many women in North Carolina walking around in floor-length down coats, a wardrobe piece you really don't need south of the Mason-Dixon. But those women are probably from Boston where you need a parka (pahka) through August. Imagine wearing a pair of long johns under every outfit you own. They have to wear wetsuits to shower. It's heinous.
2. Bostonese
Bostonians and their cahs and pahks and blah blah blah. The only accent that makes less sense is the distinct Baltimore dialect made famous by Hairspray and Kathy Bates in AHS: Freak Show. And it's not just the accent, they have their own vocabulary. You would need to take a foreign language course to survive up there what with the bubblers and the shopping carriages it's insufferahble.
3. Paul Revere was a snitch.
'Nuff said.
4. Tom Brady
Imagine your kid gets invited to a birthday party with bouncy houses and a slide and an inflatable obstacle course. But when you get there, the bouncy houses and the slide and the obstacle course are all deflated. Welcome to Boston.
5. The Kennedys
JFK Jr. was the best (looking) one and he was gone too soon. No one even knows the second verse to Sweet Caroline, whether you believe it's about Caroline Kennedy or not.
6. Christmas is outlawed.
Yep, no celebrating Christmas in Boston. So if you happen to super love Christmas, maybe Boston just isn't right for you.
7. Clam chowder.
Abhorrent. Cream mixed with mollusk entrails. I just imagine myself sitting alone at a fancy dinner looking awkward while I stuff my face with oyster crackers, the only edible thing in sight. Not a good look, even on me.
8. Public executions of sea turtles.
That's right. You know how Bostonians are always heading to the Cape? It's to murder sear turtles! In public. And it is every bit as barbaric as it sounds.
9. Taylor Swift sold her house in Hyannis Port.
Somewhat related to reason 5, but stay with me. You know how after a breakup you avoid your ex like yellow fever (which was introduced to America via Boston circa 1693)? You move, dye your hair, get minor plastic surgery, and cut ties with all old friends to avoid ever seeing that person again. What if Taylor is doing that with Massachusetts? Something to consider.
10. Ted
That movie premise just freaks me out. I do not appreciate the teddy bear, which draws innocent children in before cursing or doing something crude. It's in poor taste. Thanks Boston. Thanks Marky Mark.
11. No vegetarian options.
I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. Boston doesn't offer vegetarian food at all. They put bacon in all their mac and cheese. The secret ingredient in Boston creme pie? Gizzards.
12. Clark Gregg is from Boston.
His first name is a last name and his last name is a first name. But more importantly, he was in The New Adventures of Old Christine, which was one of my favorite shows. Until it was cancelled. After 5 short seasons. And my life was pitched into turmoil in its absence. Is he the sole reason the show was cancelled? No. I just feel like he could have done more.
13. Zoom was cancelled.
Before P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney, there was Box 350 Boston, Mass., 02134. I wanted to be a cast member of Zoom so bad, but Boston went and cancelled it. Presumably at the same type of town council meeting where they all voted in favor of Mark Wahlberg's Bob Marley tattoo.
14. The Boston Tea Party
Tea has never been my cup of tea, but even I find dumping barrels of it into the harbor to be a little frivolous. There are better ways to send a message to the British than the equivalent of a passive-aggressive post-it note. I learned the hard way, people in England really can't see what we're doing over here on America's East coast. Take my word for it.
15. Expensive
Boston is not that affordable. It's as if whoever is setting the prices hasn't read this blog post. Of course they probably haven't, but I don't think that's any excuse. You've seen all these reasons why Boston is utterly repulsive. Yet their hotels and restaurants still charge ridiculous prices like it's Chapel Hill or Raleigh or something. Incorrigible.
*It's mildly important that no one attempts to research these facts. Just trust me and let the system work.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Book Club
This week's post is a gift guide for everyone doing last minute Christmas shopping. I'm suggesting that you all go with the gift that keeps on giving...a book your loved ones can read over and over and over again until their mother hides it or donates it to the PTA for fear they will never grow out of young adult (@Missy). Interestingly enough, I never did grow out of YA books and people are constantly asking me if they are my guilty pleasure. No. As I've said before, I don't believe you should feel guilty about liking what you like unless it's something totally unforgivable, like Ed Hardy.
So here are my book suggestions for all the literate loves in your life.
For the scientist...
The Martian by Andy Weir
So here are my book suggestions for all the literate loves in your life.
For the scientist...
The Martian by Andy Weir
Okay let me just say that I HATE science, I have a particular disdain for NASA, but this book was amazing! (I didn't see the point of NASA after America won the space race in the 60s, let's redirect all that money towards the next reboot of Degrassi, am I right?) But this book changed all that with its ongoing action, witty (though limited) dialogue and the clever, sarcastic, indomitable Matt Damon. I mean Mark Watney. The only way this book could have been better is if it had somehow found a way to re-grant Pluto full planetary status. I feel very strongly about that.
Extra: After reading the book and seeing the movie you will have some new vocab words. I walked around talking like an abandoned astronaut for WEEKS. On the way to my car in the morning "Body temp is decreasing rapidly, better make it to the rover.". Checking the pantry for dinner "The remaining rations seem unchanged.".
For your dad...
The Junction Boys by Jim Dent
I bought this book for my dad last Christmas and he loved it! And by bought I mean purchased it on Amazon with my dad's credit card since it was required reading for a class. And by he loved it I mean he hasn't read it yet but he definitely still has it, so...that's something. This book is about Coach Bear Bryant, his first teams at Alabama and what most rational people would consider torture and abuse. An all-around fun holiday read.
Extra: Spark a lively debate on how Bear Bryant would translate into present-day coaching. Kind of makes that Rutgers coach look like a kindergarten teacher huh? Bonus points if you gift this book with your own notes and commentary like I did.
For your religious aunt...
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Extra: After reading the book and seeing the movie you will have some new vocab words. I walked around talking like an abandoned astronaut for WEEKS. On the way to my car in the morning "Body temp is decreasing rapidly, better make it to the rover.". Checking the pantry for dinner "The remaining rations seem unchanged.".
For your dad...
The Junction Boys by Jim Dent
I bought this book for my dad last Christmas and he loved it! And by bought I mean purchased it on Amazon with my dad's credit card since it was required reading for a class. And by he loved it I mean he hasn't read it yet but he definitely still has it, so...that's something. This book is about Coach Bear Bryant, his first teams at Alabama and what most rational people would consider torture and abuse. An all-around fun holiday read.
Extra: Spark a lively debate on how Bear Bryant would translate into present-day coaching. Kind of makes that Rutgers coach look like a kindergarten teacher huh? Bonus points if you gift this book with your own notes and commentary like I did.
For your religious aunt...
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
It's like fan fiction of the Bible. My current favorite book, I wish it could have gone on forever. I've always loved the story of Jacob & Rachel, but this examines the life of Dinah, who you never really get to hear about because Joseph was so busy showing off and saving Egypt from famine and what not. I'm currently involved in a large-scale letter writing campaign to get Diamant to write more fanfic on women from the Bible.
Extra: The Lifetime miniseries, available on Amazon, was fabulous. I watched it in its entirety 3 times in the 2 days that it premiered.
For your sarcastic uncle...
Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris
David Sedaris is not only one of my favorite writers of all time, he is everything I hope to be. Did I move to Raleigh to be a little more like him? That's one theory. This collection of essays hits all the high notes: colonoscopies, taxidermy and kookaburras.
Extra: I'm not normally a fan of Sedaris's fiction, but the short stories in this particular book were phenomenal!
For your mom...
Landline by Rainbow Rowell
Extra: The Lifetime miniseries, available on Amazon, was fabulous. I watched it in its entirety 3 times in the 2 days that it premiered.
For your sarcastic uncle...
Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris
David Sedaris is not only one of my favorite writers of all time, he is everything I hope to be. Did I move to Raleigh to be a little more like him? That's one theory. This collection of essays hits all the high notes: colonoscopies, taxidermy and kookaburras.
Extra: I'm not normally a fan of Sedaris's fiction, but the short stories in this particular book were phenomenal!
For your mom...
Landline by Rainbow Rowell
I never realized that a book about a rich, married, successful comedy writer could be this enjoyable to me, a poor, single, successful comedy writer. But everything Rowell pens turns to gold and Landline is no exception. One of those books where you genuinely miss the characters throughout the day. Oh, just me?
Extra: Listen to Hello by Adele when reading this. Trust me.
For the hipster...
All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven
Also perfect for young adults (i.e. anyone who has ever been between the ages 16-30). This is a love story that didn't make me want to vomit. Very subtle commentary on perception. This book filled the hole left in my heart when I finished all of John Green's books. Once the movie comes out, look for ATBP quotes all over your Instagram feed, probably with completely unrelated selfies.
Extra: An excellent way to spark conversations about mental health and I would suggest listening to Sparks Fly on repeat while reading. Of course that's not specific to this book, I recommend all T. Swift all the time.
For the new parent...
Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan
I'm not gonna lie, for the first 60 pages or so of this book, I hated it. I was disappointed because I felt it just wasn't funny enough. That's the problem with being in this industry, reading my own posts sets the bar pretty high. But as soon as I started talking crap about this book, telling people that it wasn't what I expected, it got hilarious! Suspect witchcraft.
Extra: Gaffigan is a clean comic, so telling jokes from this book at your next family gathering will go over a lot better than the time I attempted to recreate an Amy Schumer sketch for my grandma.
For the hipster...
All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven
Also perfect for young adults (i.e. anyone who has ever been between the ages 16-30). This is a love story that didn't make me want to vomit. Very subtle commentary on perception. This book filled the hole left in my heart when I finished all of John Green's books. Once the movie comes out, look for ATBP quotes all over your Instagram feed, probably with completely unrelated selfies.
Extra: An excellent way to spark conversations about mental health and I would suggest listening to Sparks Fly on repeat while reading. Of course that's not specific to this book, I recommend all T. Swift all the time.
For the new parent...
Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan
I'm not gonna lie, for the first 60 pages or so of this book, I hated it. I was disappointed because I felt it just wasn't funny enough. That's the problem with being in this industry, reading my own posts sets the bar pretty high. But as soon as I started talking crap about this book, telling people that it wasn't what I expected, it got hilarious! Suspect witchcraft.
Extra: Gaffigan is a clean comic, so telling jokes from this book at your next family gathering will go over a lot better than the time I attempted to recreate an Amy Schumer sketch for my grandma.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
The Missy Chronicles
Today I am finally blogging about the single most requested topic for White Girl Wednesday...my mother. Here are some other names you might know her by: Missy, tha illest, madre, Missy "Misdemeanor" or GOAT.
Is it a little insulting that I am constantly mentioning how often my mother slays me and yet you people are constantly asking for more? In a word...yes. Very. But since I rely on readers and ad clicks (HINT) for revenue, I might as well give the people what they want.
Missy-isms
Things only a mother, and more specifically, my mother, would say.
When Missy had priorities.
S.O.E.
Sunkist over everything.
When Missy didn't care if I lived or died.
Missy: "Grandma wants to know if you got home okay."
Me: "Just Grandma? You're not curious?"
When True Life My Parent is Obsessed With Me called Missy to audition.
Missy: "I saw #themissychronicles when I was reading your Twitter last night. Do you have to announce to your world everything I say?"
Me: "Only the funny stuff. Also, why are you so obsessed with me?"
When Missy was the world's proudest mother.
Me: "I made a 90 on my exam I thought I did really bad on. My best grade so far in that class."
Missy: "Wow. Or a big curve."
When Missy accepted her limitations.
Me: "Mom why didn't you name me Shakira?"
Missy: "Because I can't spell Shakira."
When Missy checked myself before I wrecked myself.
Me: "SPRING BREAK NO RULEZ!"
Missy: "Oh yes there are."
When Missy was hip to my jive.
Me: "Can't talk on a date."
Missy: "Eating dinner with Brendan or Jean-Luc doesn't count."
Me: "Ya got me."
When Missy still thought FTK was the name of the organization that was/is my entire life.
Me: *Sends my mom a picture of total reveal
Missy: "Cool. Have you caught up on schoolwork?"
Me: "Sorry I was busy raising $570, 561.48 for the kids. Let me live pls."
Missy: "Nope. If I don't get to neither do you."
When Missy shut me down.
Me: "Mom I got a 100 on a test!"
Missy: "I hope it was a senior class, at least academic."
Me: "It was my lift training test so I can operate machinery at the marathon."
Missy: "Oh."
Me: "Still counts."
Missy: "Nah."
When Missy needed to recognize.
Missy: "What are you doing other than texting me?"
Me: "Nothing. I am doing absolutely nothing with my life other than sitting by my phone and waiting for your texts."
Missy: "Go on a date. Go out."
Me: "LET ME JUST HOP IN MY DATE-MOBILE AND HEAD ON OVER TO DATE-VILLE AND GRAB A DATE FROM THE DATE FACTORY."
Missy-vice
My mom trying to tell me what to do in the form of "helpful" hints.
When Missy was overconfident in me.
Missy: "Play hard to get."
Me: "I can't, I'm already hard to want."
When Missy was living in the 20th century.
Missy: "Guys don't like it when you're smarter than them and you have to let them win."
Me: "..."
When Missy SLAYED.
Missy: "Rachel the Oxford comma is proper grammar."
Me: "One of us has a journalism degree and one of us doesn't."
Missy: "One of us paid for the other's journalism degree."
When Missy scared me (and my dad) a little.
Missy: "When it comes to car shopping and boy shopping, always keep your options open and nothing is a done deal."
When Missy was again overestimating my appeal.
Missy: "You seem pretty close with that guy in your facebook pictures."
Me: "Mom stahp we're just friends."
Missy: "Okay I'm just saying keep your chicken pie recipe on hand and your options open."
Me: "Mom I promise you I don't have 'options'".
Missy-chic
Those outfits that make Missy...Missy.
When Missy was dressing for the job she wants, not the job she has.
Brown and black plaid skirt, brown shirt, tall black boots.
Me: "Are you an extra in a Charles Dickens period piece?"
When Missy learned why she has prescription glasses.
Blue jeans, black shirt, navy shoes.*
Me: "What is Alicia Silverstone like in person?"
Missy: "Who?"
Me: "You obviously starred with her in Clueless since you're mixing your neutrals."
*To be fair, this outfit is the result of her not wearing glasses, Missy doesn't endorse blavy.
When Missy hated every piece of clothing I owned.
Missy on my aesthetic-
Missy: "There are colors other than black."
Missy: "Every shirt you own is a tent."
When Missy was a bad influence.
Missy: "That would be cute if it was tighter."
Me: "Are mothers even allowed to say that?"
Missy-stakes
We all have flaws, even Missy.
When Missy SO didn't get it.
Me: "Mom I want an iPhone."
Missy: "You always say you're so busy, when will you find time to go to the App Store?"
When Missy still thinks it's a "pound sign".
Me: "My password is #spurs...."
Missy: "Hang on...h-a-s."
Me: "Mom no. Please google hashtag immediately."
Missy: "I google you sometimes."
When Missy didn't realize I would one day buy her Selfish by Kim K just so she could get with it.
Me: "Mom smile."
Missy: "Don't take a selfie of me!"
When Missy and everyone else in my family forgot Colby existed. Our bad.
Missy: "Does anyone know where Colby is?"*
*Colby is my youngest brother. We've only accidentally left him at church a couple of times.
When Missy tried and failed.
Me: "Mom get a snapchat."
Missy: "What is that?
Me: "It's like texting but just pictures."
Missy: "I sent my sister a picture today, were we snapchatting?"
Missy-after she reads this post
Missy: "So you need me to get page views. Obviously I'm the funny one, not you. You're welcome. Also take that down immediately."
She has a point, sometimes moms say the darnedest things. But I think we all know who spins the straw into gold.
Is it a little insulting that I am constantly mentioning how often my mother slays me and yet you people are constantly asking for more? In a word...yes. Very. But since I rely on readers and ad clicks (HINT) for revenue, I might as well give the people what they want.
Missy-isms
Things only a mother, and more specifically, my mother, would say.
When Missy had priorities.
S.O.E.
Sunkist over everything.
When Missy didn't care if I lived or died.
Missy: "Grandma wants to know if you got home okay."
Me: "Just Grandma? You're not curious?"
When True Life My Parent is Obsessed With Me called Missy to audition.
Missy: "I saw #themissychronicles when I was reading your Twitter last night. Do you have to announce to your world everything I say?"
Me: "Only the funny stuff. Also, why are you so obsessed with me?"
When Missy was the world's proudest mother.
Me: "I made a 90 on my exam I thought I did really bad on. My best grade so far in that class."
Missy: "Wow. Or a big curve."
When Missy accepted her limitations.
Me: "Mom why didn't you name me Shakira?"
Missy: "Because I can't spell Shakira."
When Missy checked myself before I wrecked myself.
Me: "SPRING BREAK NO RULEZ!"
Missy: "Oh yes there are."
When Missy was hip to my jive.
Me: "Can't talk on a date."
Missy: "Eating dinner with Brendan or Jean-Luc doesn't count."
Me: "Ya got me."
When Missy still thought FTK was the name of the organization that was/is my entire life.
Me: *Sends my mom a picture of total reveal
Missy: "Cool. Have you caught up on schoolwork?"
Me: "Sorry I was busy raising $570, 561.48 for the kids. Let me live pls."
Missy: "Nope. If I don't get to neither do you."
When Missy shut me down.
Me: "Mom I got a 100 on a test!"
Missy: "I hope it was a senior class, at least academic."
Me: "It was my lift training test so I can operate machinery at the marathon."
Missy: "Oh."
Me: "Still counts."
Missy: "Nah."
When Missy needed to recognize.
Missy: "What are you doing other than texting me?"
Me: "Nothing. I am doing absolutely nothing with my life other than sitting by my phone and waiting for your texts."
Missy: "Go on a date. Go out."
Me: "LET ME JUST HOP IN MY DATE-MOBILE AND HEAD ON OVER TO DATE-VILLE AND GRAB A DATE FROM THE DATE FACTORY."
Missy-vice
My mom trying to tell me what to do in the form of "helpful" hints.
When Missy was overconfident in me.
Missy: "Play hard to get."
Me: "I can't, I'm already hard to want."
When Missy was living in the 20th century.
Missy: "Guys don't like it when you're smarter than them and you have to let them win."
Me: "..."
When Missy SLAYED.
Missy: "Rachel the Oxford comma is proper grammar."
Me: "One of us has a journalism degree and one of us doesn't."
Missy: "One of us paid for the other's journalism degree."
When Missy scared me (and my dad) a little.
Missy: "When it comes to car shopping and boy shopping, always keep your options open and nothing is a done deal."
When Missy was again overestimating my appeal.
Missy: "You seem pretty close with that guy in your facebook pictures."
Me: "Mom stahp we're just friends."
Missy: "Okay I'm just saying keep your chicken pie recipe on hand and your options open."
Me: "Mom I promise you I don't have 'options'".
Missy-chic
Those outfits that make Missy...Missy.
When Missy was dressing for the job she wants, not the job she has.
Brown and black plaid skirt, brown shirt, tall black boots.
Me: "Are you an extra in a Charles Dickens period piece?"
When Missy learned why she has prescription glasses.
Blue jeans, black shirt, navy shoes.*
Me: "What is Alicia Silverstone like in person?"
Missy: "Who?"
Me: "You obviously starred with her in Clueless since you're mixing your neutrals."
*To be fair, this outfit is the result of her not wearing glasses, Missy doesn't endorse blavy.
When Missy hated every piece of clothing I owned.
Missy on my aesthetic-
Missy: "There are colors other than black."
Missy: "Every shirt you own is a tent."
When Missy was a bad influence.
Missy: "That would be cute if it was tighter."
Me: "Are mothers even allowed to say that?"
Missy-stakes
We all have flaws, even Missy.
When Missy SO didn't get it.
Me: "Mom I want an iPhone."
Missy: "You always say you're so busy, when will you find time to go to the App Store?"
When Missy still thinks it's a "pound sign".
Me: "My password is #spurs...."
Missy: "Hang on...h-a-s."
Me: "Mom no. Please google hashtag immediately."
Missy: "I google you sometimes."
When Missy didn't realize I would one day buy her Selfish by Kim K just so she could get with it.
Me: "Mom smile."
Missy: "Don't take a selfie of me!"
When Missy and everyone else in my family forgot Colby existed. Our bad.
Missy: "Does anyone know where Colby is?"*
*Colby is my youngest brother. We've only accidentally left him at church a couple of times.
When Missy tried and failed.
Me: "Mom get a snapchat."
Missy: "What is that?
Me: "It's like texting but just pictures."
Missy: "I sent my sister a picture today, were we snapchatting?"
Missy-after she reads this post
Missy: "So you need me to get page views. Obviously I'm the funny one, not you. You're welcome. Also take that down immediately."
She has a point, sometimes moms say the darnedest things. But I think we all know who spins the straw into gold.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Rae B Cs
There are certain phrases that are used only by myself and frankly, it's time the rest of you caught up. Learn your Rae B Cs. Some of these are made up entirely and some of them are actual sayings that just need more usage. Likewise, there are some words and terms that have connotations that differ from Webster's when used by me. Feel free to incorporate these words into your everyday lexicon but also be aware that unless you are talking to my mother or one of the other 4 people to read this post, no one is going to know what you are saying and you will get a lot of those perplexed looks I have grown so fond of.
McBath
When you eat McDonald's in the bathtub. Not wrong. Nothing to be ashamed of. All the cool kids are doing it.
EX: "Yesterday was so long I had to take a McBath to make it to dinner."
Sel-Face
That face you only make when you're taking a selfie. Don't pretend you don't have one. Mine has cost me a few friends and countless potential love interests, not to mention all semblance of dignity.
EX: "I think it's a cute picture even if I am making my sel-face."
Waste Face
To put on makeup only to discover that plans have been cancelled. To put on makeup for a social event and no one you wanted to see is there and no pictures are taken.
EX: "I thought the party would be fun but no one was there. All I did today was waste face."
BROMO
Like FOMO, but with guys. When you really don't want to go to some social event but there might be guys there so you suck it up and put on makeup anyway.
EX: "I didn't accept the evite but then I saw who was going and had major BROMO, so I went."
Face Jail
Makeup of any form.
EX: "This day got a lot less awful once I broke out of face jail. Thanks Mary Kay cleanser."
Instane
When someone you know and love is terribly annoying on social media. If there are no friends coming to mind right now...I hate to tell you...you are that instane friend.
EX: "She's one of my best friends but do you see all those hashtags?! She's gone instane."
Shondeath
The feeling when Shonda Rhimes once again kills a character who used to be the only good thing in your life.
EX: "I refuse to watch How To Get Away With Murder because I won't survive another shondeath. Henry almost broke me and I can't go through another Lexie."
Textgret
When you send a text and immediately regret it. Or me when I text anyone with a Y chromosome.
EX: "I double texted and the textgret was palpable. I just turned off my phone and walked away."
NOTP
The opposite of your one true pair. Like if your OTP is OTH's Lucas and Petyon, your NOTP is Lucas and Brooke. A couple you vehemently believe is completely and utterly wrong for each other. Like how John Stamos feels about me and him.
EX: "Craig and Ashley are my NOTP, if Ellie can't have him, no one can."
Grocery Shopping
Buying a large amount of food from a drive-through and living off of it for days.
EX: "I just went grocery shopping, the 50 nugget deal should last me at least 2, maybe 3 meals."
Responsibility
Placing said grocery shopping food in the backseat so you don't eat it all on the 5 minute drive back home.
EX: "I can't reach the tater tots and I'm starving. Responsibility sucks."
Handtel
A marriage of social media handles and intel, handtel refers to the theory that you can tell a lot about a person by their social media names and the names of their followers.
EX: "He seemed really sincere but after some handtel I discovered all of his followers are girls with names like bay_baygurlll and it's like I don't even know him anymore."
McBath
When you eat McDonald's in the bathtub. Not wrong. Nothing to be ashamed of. All the cool kids are doing it.
EX: "Yesterday was so long I had to take a McBath to make it to dinner."
Sel-Face
That face you only make when you're taking a selfie. Don't pretend you don't have one. Mine has cost me a few friends and countless potential love interests, not to mention all semblance of dignity.
EX: "I think it's a cute picture even if I am making my sel-face."
Waste Face
To put on makeup only to discover that plans have been cancelled. To put on makeup for a social event and no one you wanted to see is there and no pictures are taken.
EX: "I thought the party would be fun but no one was there. All I did today was waste face."
BROMO
Like FOMO, but with guys. When you really don't want to go to some social event but there might be guys there so you suck it up and put on makeup anyway.
EX: "I didn't accept the evite but then I saw who was going and had major BROMO, so I went."
Face Jail
Makeup of any form.
EX: "This day got a lot less awful once I broke out of face jail. Thanks Mary Kay cleanser."
Instane
When someone you know and love is terribly annoying on social media. If there are no friends coming to mind right now...I hate to tell you...you are that instane friend.
EX: "She's one of my best friends but do you see all those hashtags?! She's gone instane."
Shondeath
The feeling when Shonda Rhimes once again kills a character who used to be the only good thing in your life.
EX: "I refuse to watch How To Get Away With Murder because I won't survive another shondeath. Henry almost broke me and I can't go through another Lexie."
Textgret
When you send a text and immediately regret it. Or me when I text anyone with a Y chromosome.
EX: "I double texted and the textgret was palpable. I just turned off my phone and walked away."
NOTP
The opposite of your one true pair. Like if your OTP is OTH's Lucas and Petyon, your NOTP is Lucas and Brooke. A couple you vehemently believe is completely and utterly wrong for each other. Like how John Stamos feels about me and him.
EX: "Craig and Ashley are my NOTP, if Ellie can't have him, no one can."
Grocery Shopping
Buying a large amount of food from a drive-through and living off of it for days.
EX: "I just went grocery shopping, the 50 nugget deal should last me at least 2, maybe 3 meals."
Responsibility
Placing said grocery shopping food in the backseat so you don't eat it all on the 5 minute drive back home.
EX: "I can't reach the tater tots and I'm starving. Responsibility sucks."
Handtel
A marriage of social media handles and intel, handtel refers to the theory that you can tell a lot about a person by their social media names and the names of their followers.
EX: "He seemed really sincere but after some handtel I discovered all of his followers are girls with names like bay_baygurlll and it's like I don't even know him anymore."
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