Continuing the White Girl Wednesday tradition of giving advice in fields I know very little to absolutely nothing about, today's post is a tutorial in online dating. I haven't met my soulmate on a dating site, but I have read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, so who better to give you online dating advice? (Aside from literally anyone who has been in a relationship ever.)
Stigma Schmiga
Why is there a social stigma about meeting someone on the internet? Think about it, there are much weirder ways to meet people. You could meet someone while you're trying to steal their car. Or while you're shoplifting from the mall store they manage. Or probably in some situation that doesn't even involve larceny, but the possibilities multiply exponentially when you go online. How else are you going to meet someone while sitting alone in your apartment wearing your raccoon pajamas and binge-watching Little Women: Atlanta with a pint of ice cream and a pepperoni pizza (hypothetically)? So let's spend less time judging people for meeting online, and more time inventing new ways to eat butter as a meal. Lobster is great but can we not find a more affordable conduit? The point is, we can't all meet the love of our lives in high school no matter what your 13-year-old cousin who just got her braces off says. We do literally everything else on the internet these days. Shopping. Working. Watching TV. Learning how to (almost) solve a Rubik's cube. I know several introverts praying that by 2018 we've eliminated the human interaction facet of dating (and living) entirely.
Profiles
It's intimidating trying to craft the perfect dating profile. Summarizing yourself in 140 characters or less makes it feel like you're applying to an elite creative writing camp, not eHarmony. I think it's beneficial to make a joke or ask a question in your bio. Making a joke lets them know that you're hilarious and a sense of humor is the number 3 quality men look for in a partner after 1) looks and 2) everything else. Asking a question makes you approachable because instead of having to think of something clever to say, all the guy has to do is answer your question which seems to be easy enough even for them unless the question is "When are we getting married?" or "Do you prefer ivory or cream for the wall sconces?"
Pictures
Your pictures should be carefully selected and say something about you. Something like "I'm adventurous" or "I love animals" or "We could travel together" or "I'm really hot." Just make sure your pictures DON'T say "my friends are more attractive than I am" and make sure potential suitors can tell which one you are. There is nothing more frustrating than swiping right hoping for the guy on the left only to get a 2 a.m. snapchat from the guy in the middle. Your photo repertoire shouldn't consist entirely of selfies and wearing sunglasses in every picture is cheating. For guys, wearing hats in every picture is cheating. What are you hiding under there? How bad can your skull possibly be?
Meet Cutes
A contributing factor to the "stigma" of online dating is that we keep asking couples how they met. Why? We don't ask best friends where they met because it doesn't matter. I met all of my best friends in high school, college, or church and the stories are really not that interesting. No one ever asks you about the time you met your younger brother. "Well, one time, when I was 6, my mom got like, really fat, I stayed with my grandparents for a few days, and then my parents brought home another human being and have ignored my existence ever since."
So if you met someone online and don't want to share that with the world...lie! Make something up, synchronize your stories and sell it.
"We met in prison."
"He was my AA sponsor."
"I stole his car."
"She's my parole officer."
Opening Lines
Along with asking couples how they met even though we really don't care and will probably just talk crap about it later, we also like to ask about the first words. Who started the conversation? Who said "I love you" first? Who quoted Eminem in a fight most recently? Since you know people are going to ask, you should probably make your opener something a little more crowd-pleasing than "heyyyyy" (don't act like you use any less than 5 y's). I recommend communicating only via GIFs and quotes from your favorite 90s film. That really weeds out the duds.
Stranger Danger
Another reason some people are afraid to try online dating is the anonymity. Ever seen Catfish? Me too, and I take a ton of notes. How do you know that the person you're talking to really is who they say they are? What if your Nigerian prince turns out to actually be an Algerian prince? Or, more likely, a 50-something white woman living in Alabama. So the first rule of online dating is meet in public! Prior to your initial meeting, I would recommend that you Snapchat as well because there are only so many filters out there and much to my dismay, Snapchat has yet to introduce a Beyonce filter so they can't hide too much from you. I mean a prison record, crippling debt, 3 children and a live-in girlfriend? Sure. But a unibrow? No way.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Lazy Girl Gift Guide
This isn't your typical gift guide. It's a lazy girl gift guide although no matter how fragile your masculinity, I promise you guys can use this too. Instead of suggesting gifts for your loved ones based on their relation to you, personalities, likes and interests, I'm going to suggest gifts on a store-by-store basis. Why is this helpful? I'm glad I pretended that you asked. We all have coupons. Customer loyalty points. Old gift cards. Discounts and sales promotions that we want to take advantage of. Thanks to the lazy girl gift guide, you can search a store and find what Christmas gifts you can buy there. So much easier than actually putting thought and effort into a unique gift.
You're welcome.
Bath & Body Works
Who among us couldn't use another candle, hand soap or body wash? It's the gift that says "I forgot you existed and someone gave me this heinous scent last year, so here you go." For the monsters in your life who don't love a 3-wick candle, there's also lotions, hand sanitizers and an entire aromatherapy line. If you can't find something for your friend here you probably shouldn't be friends with them.
Bed Bath & Beyond
I recently came into a rather generous Bed Bath & Beyond gift card myself so I was delighted to find that they carry KichenAid mixers. Another 37 gift cards or so and I will be well on my way to purchasing one. Really the only gift you need to be aware of here is a touch-activated candy dispenser that is on sale for $10. Who would not benefit from that gift? Exactly. Buy it.
Champs Sports
Giving a gift from Champs is a great way to say "You're a male and I don't really know much about you, but I do know what state you're from and/or currently residing in." A Panthers t-shirt or a Hornets toboggan and you're golden.*
*Be advised, if you know they're from California or Texas but don't know what part of the state, you could still strike out...speaking of which, just get 'em a baseball. How much do those cost? 5, 10 cents?
Claire's
Is there a special pre-teen in your life? Or perhaps an adult who refuses to buy real silver in this economy? Claire's is your one-stop shopping destination for earrings covered in glitter, necklaces covered in glitter, makeup covered in glitter and clip-in hair extensions covered in, you guessed it, simple and elegant mini pearls. (Just kidding, also glitter.) Not to mention the wide array of BFF jewelry to choose from. A gift from Claire's will have your little cousins saying "Just get me an iTunes gift card, weirdo."
Kohl's
Kohl's is the only remaining realm where J Lo and Marc Anthony are still together, making it one of the happiest places on earth. With additional lines by Lauren Conrad, Juicy Couture and Vera Wang, I would like the middle school bullies who picked on me to know that Kohl's is actually a very fashionable place to shop!
Michael's
So. Many. Sales. I want to meet this proverbial Michael and thank him. If you know anyone who has ever used the acronym DIY you can get them something at Michael's. If your girlfriends have Pinterest accounts, boom! There's the wish list. It really could not be easier. Unless you got them a gift card. That would be easier.
Sears
I got my 8th grade prom dress at Sears. (Sorry Brendan, I know you're embarrassed by that.) Sears is a great place to get tools according to my dad and family portraits according to my mom. What my parents always failed to mention is that you can also buy your kids a swing set, bouncy house, obstacle course or trampoline at Sears.
Target
1 word. Outerwear. Hats, scarves, gloves. You don't have to worry about sizing and honestly, if you live somewhere really cold you don't even have to worry about color & style because if they completely hate it they'll probably just keep it in their car for emergencies.
Ulta
Ho ho holiday kits! You can get really great deals on palettes, brushes, perfume and more at Christmastime. And let's not forget the skincare savior du jour, sheet masks. A gift that could be offensive but they're so expensive that no one will care that you're telling them to work on their complexion. And free shipping on any $50 purchase means you might just have to order something for yourself too. Oops.
Vera Bradley
Do you ever see a woman who is a mother or aunt and think "she really doesn't own enough paisley or pastels"? Well kill 2 birds with 1 quilted tote bag at Vera Bradley! You might be thinking that your loved one already has a ton of Very Bradley, how many prints can one gal need? Before you move on to Ann Taylor or Chico's, ask yourself, "Does she have Vera Bradley hair ties? A Vera Bradley lanyard patterned with the logo of her alma mater? Vera Bradley colored pencils?" If the answer to all of the above was yes, you're on your own because I really can't help you. Maybe have a PRINTervention. (hahahaI'msoooooosingle)
Walmart
Honestly, what can't you buy at Walmart? Food, housewares, makeup, toys, books, Subway sandwiches. But more importantly, for just $99 you can buy your favorite toddler a mini Volkswagen bus to cruise around in. Best uncle ever? I think so.
You're welcome.
Bath & Body Works
Who among us couldn't use another candle, hand soap or body wash? It's the gift that says "I forgot you existed and someone gave me this heinous scent last year, so here you go." For the monsters in your life who don't love a 3-wick candle, there's also lotions, hand sanitizers and an entire aromatherapy line. If you can't find something for your friend here you probably shouldn't be friends with them.
Bed Bath & Beyond
I recently came into a rather generous Bed Bath & Beyond gift card myself so I was delighted to find that they carry KichenAid mixers. Another 37 gift cards or so and I will be well on my way to purchasing one. Really the only gift you need to be aware of here is a touch-activated candy dispenser that is on sale for $10. Who would not benefit from that gift? Exactly. Buy it.
Champs Sports
Giving a gift from Champs is a great way to say "You're a male and I don't really know much about you, but I do know what state you're from and/or currently residing in." A Panthers t-shirt or a Hornets toboggan and you're golden.*
*Be advised, if you know they're from California or Texas but don't know what part of the state, you could still strike out...speaking of which, just get 'em a baseball. How much do those cost? 5, 10 cents?
Claire's
Is there a special pre-teen in your life? Or perhaps an adult who refuses to buy real silver in this economy? Claire's is your one-stop shopping destination for earrings covered in glitter, necklaces covered in glitter, makeup covered in glitter and clip-in hair extensions covered in, you guessed it, simple and elegant mini pearls. (Just kidding, also glitter.) Not to mention the wide array of BFF jewelry to choose from. A gift from Claire's will have your little cousins saying "Just get me an iTunes gift card, weirdo."
Kohl's
Kohl's is the only remaining realm where J Lo and Marc Anthony are still together, making it one of the happiest places on earth. With additional lines by Lauren Conrad, Juicy Couture and Vera Wang, I would like the middle school bullies who picked on me to know that Kohl's is actually a very fashionable place to shop!
Michael's
So. Many. Sales. I want to meet this proverbial Michael and thank him. If you know anyone who has ever used the acronym DIY you can get them something at Michael's. If your girlfriends have Pinterest accounts, boom! There's the wish list. It really could not be easier. Unless you got them a gift card. That would be easier.
Sears
I got my 8th grade prom dress at Sears. (Sorry Brendan, I know you're embarrassed by that.) Sears is a great place to get tools according to my dad and family portraits according to my mom. What my parents always failed to mention is that you can also buy your kids a swing set, bouncy house, obstacle course or trampoline at Sears.
Target
1 word. Outerwear. Hats, scarves, gloves. You don't have to worry about sizing and honestly, if you live somewhere really cold you don't even have to worry about color & style because if they completely hate it they'll probably just keep it in their car for emergencies.
Ulta
Ho ho holiday kits! You can get really great deals on palettes, brushes, perfume and more at Christmastime. And let's not forget the skincare savior du jour, sheet masks. A gift that could be offensive but they're so expensive that no one will care that you're telling them to work on their complexion. And free shipping on any $50 purchase means you might just have to order something for yourself too. Oops.
Vera Bradley
Do you ever see a woman who is a mother or aunt and think "she really doesn't own enough paisley or pastels"? Well kill 2 birds with 1 quilted tote bag at Vera Bradley! You might be thinking that your loved one already has a ton of Very Bradley, how many prints can one gal need? Before you move on to Ann Taylor or Chico's, ask yourself, "Does she have Vera Bradley hair ties? A Vera Bradley lanyard patterned with the logo of her alma mater? Vera Bradley colored pencils?" If the answer to all of the above was yes, you're on your own because I really can't help you. Maybe have a PRINTervention. (hahahaI'msoooooosingle)
Walmart
Honestly, what can't you buy at Walmart? Food, housewares, makeup, toys, books, Subway sandwiches. But more importantly, for just $99 you can buy your favorite toddler a mini Volkswagen bus to cruise around in. Best uncle ever? I think so.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Log Post
My 3-year-old mini me wanted this "log post" to be about "putting Donald in the back" and while I honestly cannot say whether that is political commentary or a confirmation of her favorite cartoon poultry, I decided to go in a different direction. Today's post will reveal which Christmas character you are based on your Myers-Briggs type and as I am typing this my mini is bringing me every pink thing she owns and placing it in my lap. I can tell she thinks this is helping with the "log post" but if the only parameter is pink belongings, this game will never end for her. You can safely assume that any grammatical errors in this post are the result of me trying to see around a pile of salmon-colored stuffed animals that she just told me are for Rihanna. I'm as confused as you are...if not more.
ESTJ-The Guardian
Santa Claus
The big fruitcake himself (I was going for a Christmas take on ‘the big cheese’ and I gotta say…I think I nailed it). You're in charge of so much that I ALMOST forgive you for forgetting to bring me furby in 1999. (I got one later and it was beyond demonic so good call, I'll never doubt your judgment again.)
ESTP-The Doer
Hermey the Elf
When it comes to Christmas, others may daydream with their heads in the snow but you want to get it done. Whether it’s baking, shopping, decorating, wrapping or dentistry, you see the egg nog as half full.
ESFJ-The Caregiver
Frosty the Snowman
Always thinking of others because you know that some people are worth melting for...or was that another famous snowman? Why are there multiple people made of frozen water more famous than I am? Life's not fair.
ESFP-The Performer
Rudolph
You love for your personality equivalent of a bright red nose to shine, especially during Christmas when you have a captive audience. What if the cousins you never see forgot how awesome you are? Better play Silent Night on your recorder one more time, for good measure.
ISTJ-The Duty Fulfiller
The Elf on the Shelf
You want the kids to enjoy Christmas but they have to do their chores and behave first! Why are there no horror movies about elves? A big man watching you when you sleep and coming into your house is concerning sure, but these guys are inanimate objects that move and have adventures. Creepy.
ISTP-The Mechanic
Clark Griswold
You want this Christmas (and every Christmas, vacation, animal house and class reunion) to be perfect and you know that failing to plan means planning to fail. Just maybe don’t have any cats over for the holidays?
ISFJ-The Nurturer
Cindy Lou Who
You want everyone to be included at Christmas time, no matter how scroogey or green they appear. (PS - I would love the name of your hairdresser.)
ISFP-The Artist
Captain Bob Wallace
You know that Christmas is the perfect time to display something beautiful, like a slightly drag performance of a song about sisters. You believe in providing something showstopping and heartwarming.
ENTJ-The Executive
Jack Skellington
You have to call the shots whether you like it or not so this Christmas take it easy and save the decorating and cooking and party planning for Halloween. Now there's a holiday.
ENTP-The Visionary
Buddy the Elf
You see Christmas for all that it could be and will stop at nothing less than dazzling. Outdoor lights, indoor lights, a tree in every room…you want it all. Make sure your holiday feast covers all the major food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup.
ENFJ-The Giver
Mickey Mouse
Just like America’s favorite mouse in Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas, your favorite part of Christmas is the gift giving. Here's a hint, if you ask for a bookcase don't sell all your books to buy presents. Actually don't sell your books ever. Books are people too.
ENFP-The Inspirer
Linus
You never lose sight of the true meaning of the holiday and make sure that everyone else remembers too. Don’t forget to think of yourself a little this Christmas, perhaps ask for a new blanket?
INTJ-The Scientist
Heat Miser
You like Christmas fine, you just don't see why it can't be 10 - 60 degrees warmer. I'm dreaming of a green Christmas myself so I would appreciate if you would work a little of your red magic in North Carolina.
INTP-The Thinker
The Grinch
You can get a little down thinking of all the holiday logistics, baking and buying and wrapping and writing. And in your defense, it does seem like every gift given in Whoville was created with the express purpose of creating noise. Just focus on the roast beast. And poor Max.
INFJ-The Protector
Mrs. Claus
When it comes to traditions, you don't mess around. If you have to go over everyone's head, straight to the big guy himself, you will. And as a woman, you've got to be the real mastermind here, right? A man making it to every house in the world, in one night, without asking for directions? Yeah right.
INFP-The Idealist
Snow Miser
ESTJ-The Guardian
Santa Claus
The big fruitcake himself (I was going for a Christmas take on ‘the big cheese’ and I gotta say…I think I nailed it). You're in charge of so much that I ALMOST forgive you for forgetting to bring me furby in 1999. (I got one later and it was beyond demonic so good call, I'll never doubt your judgment again.)
ESTP-The Doer
Hermey the Elf
When it comes to Christmas, others may daydream with their heads in the snow but you want to get it done. Whether it’s baking, shopping, decorating, wrapping or dentistry, you see the egg nog as half full.
ESFJ-The Caregiver
Frosty the Snowman
Always thinking of others because you know that some people are worth melting for...or was that another famous snowman? Why are there multiple people made of frozen water more famous than I am? Life's not fair.
ESFP-The Performer
Rudolph
You love for your personality equivalent of a bright red nose to shine, especially during Christmas when you have a captive audience. What if the cousins you never see forgot how awesome you are? Better play Silent Night on your recorder one more time, for good measure.
ISTJ-The Duty Fulfiller
The Elf on the Shelf
You want the kids to enjoy Christmas but they have to do their chores and behave first! Why are there no horror movies about elves? A big man watching you when you sleep and coming into your house is concerning sure, but these guys are inanimate objects that move and have adventures. Creepy.
ISTP-The Mechanic
Clark Griswold
You want this Christmas (and every Christmas, vacation, animal house and class reunion) to be perfect and you know that failing to plan means planning to fail. Just maybe don’t have any cats over for the holidays?
ISFJ-The Nurturer
Cindy Lou Who
You want everyone to be included at Christmas time, no matter how scroogey or green they appear. (PS - I would love the name of your hairdresser.)
ISFP-The Artist
Captain Bob Wallace
You know that Christmas is the perfect time to display something beautiful, like a slightly drag performance of a song about sisters. You believe in providing something showstopping and heartwarming.
ENTJ-The Executive
Jack Skellington
You have to call the shots whether you like it or not so this Christmas take it easy and save the decorating and cooking and party planning for Halloween. Now there's a holiday.
ENTP-The Visionary
Buddy the Elf
You see Christmas for all that it could be and will stop at nothing less than dazzling. Outdoor lights, indoor lights, a tree in every room…you want it all. Make sure your holiday feast covers all the major food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup.
ENFJ-The Giver
Mickey Mouse
Just like America’s favorite mouse in Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas, your favorite part of Christmas is the gift giving. Here's a hint, if you ask for a bookcase don't sell all your books to buy presents. Actually don't sell your books ever. Books are people too.
ENFP-The Inspirer
Linus
You never lose sight of the true meaning of the holiday and make sure that everyone else remembers too. Don’t forget to think of yourself a little this Christmas, perhaps ask for a new blanket?
INTJ-The Scientist
Heat Miser
You like Christmas fine, you just don't see why it can't be 10 - 60 degrees warmer. I'm dreaming of a green Christmas myself so I would appreciate if you would work a little of your red magic in North Carolina.
INTP-The Thinker
The Grinch
You can get a little down thinking of all the holiday logistics, baking and buying and wrapping and writing. And in your defense, it does seem like every gift given in Whoville was created with the express purpose of creating noise. Just focus on the roast beast. And poor Max.
INFJ-The Protector
Mrs. Claus
When it comes to traditions, you don't mess around. If you have to go over everyone's head, straight to the big guy himself, you will. And as a woman, you've got to be the real mastermind here, right? A man making it to every house in the world, in one night, without asking for directions? Yeah right.
INFP-The Idealist
Snow Miser
You value the archetypal Christmas and providing a scenic holiday for everyone. Don't get frostbite this winter and be nice to your brother.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
War Paint
I'd like to take some time to address an issue that is currently plaguing society and I'm not talking about vape pens. Although I was really tempted to write a blog post called "The Vape Debate" but then I realized that with vaping, like most issues, I choose to see only one side.
So I'm tackling another issue...the idea that women wear makeup to impress men.
*Pause for laughter
Guys, here are some lines that will annoy me every time:
"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
"I don't like your makeup like that."
"Guys don't notice eye liner."
"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
"No guy likes black lipstick."
"Guys like girls with long hair."
My response to all of those would be "k."
I *clap* do *clap* not *clap* wear *clap* makeup *clap* for *clap* you. (I feel like that needs just one more *clap*.)
If you've ever seen me in the so-called real world then you know most days I don't even wear makeup for me. Let alone for some guy who has no idea what the difference between highlighting and strobing is. Even though I have never successfully pulled off either look, I speak the language. I know all the jargon just like I know that my 1.5 fluid ounces of Benefit primer costs more than all of your hair products for a year.
So I'm going to break down each of these idiotic statements one by one to explain once more why I do not care what you think of my makeup or lack thereof. You get a Y chromosome and I get to have a haughty attitude about overpriced and undersized beauty products. Deal with it dog.
"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
Trust me, no you don't. You don't like no makeup you like "the no makeup look" which actually requires a lot of makeup. Honestly, slap a set of false eyelashes on a girl who you guys think is wearing no makeup and you will find that she's gone full-Kardashian in the bat of one seriously heavy lash.
"I don't like your makeup like that."
I'm sorry? And do you think we like the soul patches or the neck beard you've been trying to grow since last No-Shave November? You don't have to like my makeup. You don't even have to look at it. Block me on snapchat. I don't care.
"Guys don't notice eye liner."
Well duh. They also don't notice that by mid-December maybe it's time to stop wearing Nike shorts every day or that women even have eyes a lot of the time. If I spent 15 minutes in the morning to handcraft a winged liner look that is somewhat even, am I going to waste my time showing Steve from HR? No! I'm gonna show Jessica from Accounting who will actually appreciate it.
"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, underneath all this makeup, I'm ugly? I never did. And then snapchat filters came out and now I know. My skin is too uneven, my nose is too wide, my eyes are too small and I don't even have puppy dog ears. Thanks Evan Spiegel.
"No guy likes black lipstick."
Okay. Tbh I don't even like black lipstick. It's a very labor-intensive look that ensures my night is full of mirror checks, touch-ups and avoiding food. But I wear it anyway. 'Cause I'm a rockstar.
"Guys like girls with long hair."
Guess what? Girls like girls with long hair! Do you think I want to be friends with a female who is secure enough in herself to be proud of her bone structure? No way! My friends better Rapunzel it up and hide those non-existent cheek bones or I'm out!
So I'm tackling another issue...the idea that women wear makeup to impress men.
*Pause for laughter
Guys, here are some lines that will annoy me every time:
"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
"I don't like your makeup like that."
"Guys don't notice eye liner."
"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
"No guy likes black lipstick."
"Guys like girls with long hair."
My response to all of those would be "k."
I *clap* do *clap* not *clap* wear *clap* makeup *clap* for *clap* you. (I feel like that needs just one more *clap*.)
If you've ever seen me in the so-called real world then you know most days I don't even wear makeup for me. Let alone for some guy who has no idea what the difference between highlighting and strobing is. Even though I have never successfully pulled off either look, I speak the language. I know all the jargon just like I know that my 1.5 fluid ounces of Benefit primer costs more than all of your hair products for a year.
So I'm going to break down each of these idiotic statements one by one to explain once more why I do not care what you think of my makeup or lack thereof. You get a Y chromosome and I get to have a haughty attitude about overpriced and undersized beauty products. Deal with it dog.
"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
Trust me, no you don't. You don't like no makeup you like "the no makeup look" which actually requires a lot of makeup. Honestly, slap a set of false eyelashes on a girl who you guys think is wearing no makeup and you will find that she's gone full-Kardashian in the bat of one seriously heavy lash.
"I don't like your makeup like that."
I'm sorry? And do you think we like the soul patches or the neck beard you've been trying to grow since last No-Shave November? You don't have to like my makeup. You don't even have to look at it. Block me on snapchat. I don't care.
"Guys don't notice eye liner."
Well duh. They also don't notice that by mid-December maybe it's time to stop wearing Nike shorts every day or that women even have eyes a lot of the time. If I spent 15 minutes in the morning to handcraft a winged liner look that is somewhat even, am I going to waste my time showing Steve from HR? No! I'm gonna show Jessica from Accounting who will actually appreciate it.
"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, underneath all this makeup, I'm ugly? I never did. And then snapchat filters came out and now I know. My skin is too uneven, my nose is too wide, my eyes are too small and I don't even have puppy dog ears. Thanks Evan Spiegel.
"No guy likes black lipstick."
Okay. Tbh I don't even like black lipstick. It's a very labor-intensive look that ensures my night is full of mirror checks, touch-ups and avoiding food. But I wear it anyway. 'Cause I'm a rockstar.
"Guys like girls with long hair."
Guess what? Girls like girls with long hair! Do you think I want to be friends with a female who is secure enough in herself to be proud of her bone structure? No way! My friends better Rapunzel it up and hide those non-existent cheek bones or I'm out!
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