Diets We Could Actually Use

The Social Media Diet
We could all use this. Even your great aunt who logs onto Facebook once a month to like all the pictures you're tagged in could use this. Studies show that people are generally happier when they spend less time on social media. Call me crazy but I think that humans, as a species, actually DON'T need to be notified whenever their ex likes someone's selfie. If you doubt me on this, just ask anyone how their Google+ fast is going.

The No Sprinkles Diet
No one said this was gonna be easy. Sprinkles can run you upwards of 20 calories per teaspoon and I don't know about you, but I've never enjoyed a dessert with less than 4 teaspoons of rainbow sprinkles. So cut out the sprinkles and cut a bigger piece of sprinkle-free cake.

The Multitasking Diet
Focus all of your energy and attention on doing one thing at a time for a week. You'll probably be super bored during commercials but you will also have less instances of accidentally putting your phone in the fridge, squeezing hand soap onto your toothbrush or fruitlessly searching one of your sock drawers for your Aerosmith pajamas.

The Complaining Diet
I'm  mildly terrified when I think about how much more I could accomplish if I complained less and did more. Just try to go 24 hours without complaining and see if you don't solve the Syrian refugee crisis or reform immigration or restore Pluto's planethood.

The Diet Diet
For when you need to stop trying too many diets and just pick one! Anna Kendrick famously tweeted, well a lot of things actually, but specifically "I suspect that low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat." Let's take it a step further, without carbs I lose the will to live and I think that's true of all diets.

The No Pizza Diet
Hahahahaha, I'm sorry. As if! I shouldn't even joke about that.

The Reality TV Diet
First and foremost your language will definitely improve and you will save a lot of money by not applying bronzer and Kardashian makeup every day. Hit up some documentaries (Blackfish, Iranium), listen to stand-up comedy (Aziz Ansari, Iliza Shlesinger, John Mulaney) or watch Chelsea Handler's new Netflix series.

The Diet Soda Diet
I'm not a scientist or a doctor or a fully formed adult so I'm not going to debate the merits of full calorie sodas or discuss the dangers of aspartame or any of that. I just think diet sodas are disgusting and they make me really sad. Treat yoself!

Wiki[ME]dia

I'm not saying that I deserve my own wikipedia page, just that if I did have one, it would look a lot like this. And if someone takes it upon themselves to go create a wikipedia page for me, I won't report it. I would actually be rather flattered. And I would print it out. And possibly frame it. Make that definitely. I'd definitely frame it. 


Rachel Daniel
Early Life
Daniel was born on Friday, May 7th, 1993 to Michelle and Charles of Goldston, North Carolina. Missy & Charles, as they are affectionately known, soon decided they could do better and had 2 sons whose names are irrelevant.

Education
Daniel graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill in May of 2015 with 2 liberal arts degrees that have proven very helpful in everyday life. She has since gone on to receive an honorary degree in Girl Studies from Phoenix University.

Rise to Fame
Daniel is best-known for her award-winning blog White Girl Wednesday and has also drawn a following from her #TheMissyChronicles and #DookFans tweets. But she still has to pay her brother to like her Instagram posts.

Appearances 
Daniel regularly makes event appearances for charity or anyone else. Her current booking fee is one Taco Bell meal for birthday parties, selfies with the host for talk shows & no amount of money ever for Wendy Williams.

Influences 
Mindy Kaling, David Sedaris, Kate McKinnon, Chelsea Handler & Brian Boitano.

Personal Life
Daniel self-identifies as a taurus, Belieber and ESFJ. She is rumored to be dating literally no one.

In 2016 Daniel revealed that she is allergic to people who are allergic to gluten. She currently keeps a strict diet of empty carbohydrates and peanut butter to maintain her girlish figure. 

Controversy
Although often America's sweetheart, Daniel is no stranger to public outrage.

In 2015 Daniel went on record about McDonald's decision to offer breakfast food all day stating "I'm not saying it's a bad idea, just not THE BEST idea. I would get much more excited about McDonald's fries being offered during breakfast hours. I can get a large Dr. Pepper 24 hours a day, but not fries. Is that the America George Washington envisioned?"

Daniel incited backlash in early 2016 when she tweeted that then-presidential candidate Ted Cruz looked like an aardvark. Cruz advocates jumped to his defense and Daniel's rep responded saying "Rachel meant no harm, she was unaware that aardvarks as a species carried negative connotations and she is altogether flummoxed by the negative reactions." Daniel herself went on to tweet "Steve Buscemi looks like Sid the Sloth" and "Charo looks like a French poodle"which further solidified the theory that she enjoys thinking about celebrities who look like animals in her spare time and was not making a political statement.

Quotes
"I like my mom. I LOVE dance marathon."
"The older I get, the more I realize that I need to invest HEAVILY in good psychiatric help."
"I'm hilarious."

Filmography
Daniel has guest starred on Law & Order: SVU and Fuller House where she played a stalker of Detective Elliot Stabler and Uncle Jesse, respectively. For each role Daniel employed method acting.

She has written letters and emails, made phone calls and publicly volunteered to appear on a Celebrity Jeopardy! tournament. Alex Trebek's rep had no comment.

In 2016 Daniel appeared on the TLC show Who Do You Think You Are? where she discovered that her ancestry is 0% Canadian and 0% French.

In 2017 and 2019 Daniel is set to star in the musical and film adaptations of her life based on her autobiography, New York Times best seller,  Laughing Alone.

Charitable Contributions 
Daniel regularly donates to the Carolina For The Kids Foundation and is in talks with the student-run non-profit to build the Rachel Daniel Food Pantry in Chapel Hill to provide the CFTK Clinic with bagels.

Achievements
Member of the SNL Five-Tmers Club
Winner of the prestigious Rachel L. Daniel Prize for Excellence in Blogging.
Daniel is credited with ending selfie shame, inventing turkey nuggets and bringing grunge back.
Daniel is also a Nobel Peace Prize laureate for her efforts in conflict resolution, especially her relentless work to bring Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter back together.

State of My Union

Today everyone was talking about 2 things (at least to my face, behind my back it might have been 3 things), the $1.5 billion Powerball drawing and President Obama's last State of the Union address. I was born in the United States of America so I already won the lottery, which brings me to the State of the Union.

First of all...Joe Biden was wearing a red & white striped tie. Did anyone else find that odd? I didn't think that was allowed. Maybe Biden and Paul Ryan wanted to coordinate outfits for their role as Obama's backup dancers? That's the only reason I can think of for a Democrat to wear red to a political event. It's an unspoken rule that is actually frequently spoken.

Secondly, while I was watching a video of the SOTU today since I was super busy with other social commitments last night (watching Law & Order:SVU & eating cookie dough), I saw something that troubled me to my very core...a commercial for breakfast Bagel Bites. Mr. President, when is enough enough? I beg of you, make the senseless proliferation of new breakfast foods stop. We have cereal, we have Pop-Tarts, we have eggs and we have bacon. We're covered. Please divert whatever funds went into developing breakfast Bagel Bites and instead use that money to invent something that will actually make the world a better place, like a robot arm that will turn the pages of my books for me while I do my nails.

So I've taken some time to prepare my own State of the Union address that looks back on the 1st 7 years of my presidency.


Guest List
Luther, Obama's anger translator. Because obviously.
My mom. Because I feel like this is the kind of thing that your parents get mad about if they're not invited.
Stacey Dash. Because us Republicans in Hollywood have to stick together.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Because I REALLY want to meet her and I'm the president, if I invite her she has to come, right?
Uncle Jeff. Because years ago he called dibs on a cabinet position if I'm ever elected. Interestingly enough, my family is the main reason that I will NEVER be elected to public office.
Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix. Because Avada KeBABEra.


Now without further ado, here is the first rough draft of my final State of the Union address.

"Ladies, gentlemen and members of the press, thank you for being here today. Tonight, I reflect on my time in Washington. Since I took office America has hit a lot of milestones. There have been countless changes that have left this country, nay, this planet, better than it was 7 years ago. We've seen Chipotle stop charging extra for guac. That was due to them almost going bankrupt after giving us all E. coli but it's still a win. We've developed a cure for bug bites. We've seen not 1 but 2 Spice Girls reunion tours. And we've seen Justin Timberlake retire from the music industry to become a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live.

[Pause for applause.]

Not to mention the ongoing battles America is winning. We're leading the world in the quest to domesticate raccoons. We're winning the race to Wyoming. There's really nothing there, this is just a genius tourist trap on our part. And we're currently 1st in the world in Super Bowl wins. What a time to be alive!

[Pause for applause.]

But we still have work to do. We have got to fight to restore Pluto to its full planetary status. We have to destroy our enemies. You know who I'm talking about. We need to harshly prosecute the individuals responsible for discarding full-priced items in the sale section. These individuals are the biggest threat to the America we all know and love, so let's bring them to justice!

[Pause for applause.]

And what about the cost of...[dramatic pause]...shipping and handling? For every teenage girl who is online shopping in class and realizes that after shipping and handling is applied, she can't afford to buy her 3rd pair of Uggs, we have got to lower the costs of delivery!

[Pause for largest applause of the night.]

Thank you.
God bless you, God bless Ke$ha, God bless Israel and God bless America!"

Child Bride Wars

If you've ever read this blog in the history of ever, you understand how passionate I am about someone, literally anyone, filming a sequel to Bride Wars. The excellent rom-com sets up perfectly for a sequel when Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson learn that they are both expecting and share the same due date. Bump, set and 7 years later I'm still waiting for the spike.

The obvious choice is Baby Wars, a cute chick flick about 2 young moms. Anne and Kate star as best friends who use their infants as pawns in a Cold War-esque mother of the year competition. There's no actual competition, but both mothers languish in unspoken maternal tension as they push their babies to be first to sit up, to crawl, to stand, to talk, to walk. It will all culminate in a big pre-preschool interview blowout where each tries to sabotage the other.

But as one of my roommates pointed out, by the time the movie is actually filmed and produced, it will have been ages since the original, making it much more plausible that someone produce Child Wars, a film starring Kate and Anne as young-ish mothers to 6 year olds. Both girls are taking dance class and when one lands the lead role in Swan Lake, some Dance Moms-style cat fights end up taking center stage.

That suggestion led me to cook up what I think will be a real cinematic hit: Child Bride Wars. Stay with me here. Anne and Kate are mothers and still BFFs. One night, while online shopping together via phone in their respective houses, they accept the terms & conditions without actually reading them. As you can tell, it's very real-life drama. It turns out that in their hurry and determination to score free shipping, they accidentally signed over the rights to their daughters to a popular dating website that has been accused of arranging the marriages of minors! And hilarity ensues. I know that Child Bride Wars doesn't sound like a hot summer comedy but don't judge a movie by its plot line, title and entire message. This will score major laughs, picture it...

Anne and Kate reacting to the news that they basically exchanged their daughters for clothes that were marked up 1000% above production cost.
"Those shirts were 30% polyester and the faulty beadwork combined with 6-inch heels could have easily resulted in a snapped ankle. And you stole our daughters. We're pretty mad about that too."

Anne and Kate teaching their daughters self defense and plotting an escape plan.
 "Girls, this self defense video will teach you everything you need to know to protect yourselves."
*They watch Mr. Miyagi's wax on wax off lesson on Youtube.
 "Let's synchronize the Dior timepieces that started this whole mess."

*Kung Fu Fighting plays in the background

Anne and Kate creating new identities with the girls on some remote island that no one can pronounce and paying homage to Practical Magic.
"I know this isn't ideal and we are super sorry that we accidentally exchanged your freedom for pieces from Saint Laurent's 2011 fall line but I think we can all agree that Hedi Slimane is a genius and the good news is FedEx ships here too!"

Bam! Setting up for another sequel. I'll keep my ringer on, Hollywood.