Popular Like Me

Happy All Hallows' Eve! I love how that name indicates that Halloween is simply the eve of something even bigger. November 1st. Discount Halloween candy & decorations day. I can't wait!

Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday. Okay, it's tied with Black Friday. But still. I make sure my classroom is completely decked out with battery-powered candles, window gel clings, fake blood, pumpkins, bats and more by October 1st and try to keep the fire hazards to a minimum.

A lot of my friends don't dress up anymore since graduating college ruins your life. As a teacher I definitely don't go to a Halloween rager in the middle of the week but I do get to have 2 Halloweens. There's actual Halloween and then spirit week which always has some sort of costume day. 

I take spirit week very seriously. So for Wacky Character Wednesday I wanted to do something not just creative, but iconic. I'm not in the business of giving 90%. So I went as Elphaba. With green face paint. The witch hat. A broom. And the book.

Don't worry, I didn't decorate my door just for spirit week. It's been like that all year. And to take my costume to the next level, I asked my co-worker to be my Galinda!

I really wish I had known that Walmart had sequin good witch/bad witch dresses so we could have matched but honestly, I think he wears it better.

The green face paint was every bit as annoying as one would think but hey, I'm fervid as a flame. A verdigris flame.


This is the face paint AFTER I took a layer off. I will admit the initial look was more Charo from Thumbelina than Idina from Broadway.

I needed special tools to help remove the paint. A green washcloth so nothing would get ruined and I figured a makeup remover called "green clean" would be perfect for the job.

And it did (mostly) come off. Which made it look like I used a Kermit the Frog bath bomb. I asked my boss HYPOTHETICALLY how mad he would be if the paint didn't come off as well as one would have hoped but luckily the next day was school colors day. My school colors are blue and yellow so I just told kids I took the 2 in 1 approach and taught them that blue and yellow make green.

Since I am so obsessed with Wicked, naturally I was thrilled when they announced their 15th anniversary Halloween celebration.


And as excited as I was, don't get me wrong, I was worried for Ariana. I want her to take all the time she needs (no more than 30 days) to heal from her cancelled engagement but I also needed her to perform. And luckily for me...

Someone disagreed with me and I almost had to go Azealia Banks on them. But I didn't.


Of course I live tweeted the entire event. You're welcome.



And posted a healthy amount of picture to my Snapchat story for good measure.


Missy even tried to care for a second. That's huge.

But a new day calls for a new costume so today I am Stevie Nicks complete with a black embroidered and fringed shawl, black fingerless gloves, chunky black boots, black eyeliner and a black top hat. I sang Fleetwood Mac songs to my students all day and attempted to explain the importance of jukebox musicals in society.

Meanwhile, my dad asked to meet me for dinner and if he seriously thought I would wear street clothes on Halloween, that's on him. Happy Halloween!

JackNOT

Last night someone won the lottery. That someone was not me. The thing is...although I have never bought a lottery ticket before and I don't consider myself a lucky person, I lowkey thought that I was going to win. I convinced myself that of course I would win the mega millions and begin my new life.

Y'all I did research.

Tuesday night I decided I needed new cookie scoopers because mine don't really work but I actually said “let’s wait and see how this lottery thing pans out.” I legitimately postponed a purchase because I thought that having millions of dollars in my bank account might affect the cookie scooper purchase I made.

Instead of buying these bad boys (the cheapest I could find)...

maybe I would get this set which inexplicably costs $55. I mean do they come with cookie dough? Am I missing something here? Who knows, but as far as I was concerned I was well on my way to being the type of oblivious rich jerk who thought this was an acceptable purchase. And I was willing to try that character on.

My roommate and I thought about what we would do with the money so much that in my mind it was only fair if we won. I was going to pay off my student loans and get my PhD. Visit the Middle East. Buy a beach house. Go to every show of The 1975's upcoming tour. Buy my mom one of the really nice beach chairs we fantasize about. Emily was going to head straight for Sephora. Then get a Jeep and a house with a backyard for Mako. We both agreed that if we won the lottery, WE DON'T KNOW YOU to like 90% of the people in our lives.

We also wanted rollerblades but decided that even with a $1.5 billion payout we couldn't afford the medical bills we would acquire if we took up skating. And besides, facial reconstructive surgery can only do so much after an asphalt facial.

We even made a queso oath promising we would split the winnings 50/50 no matter what. And I guess we have to give some of the money to Mako because a little queso fell onto him during the oath ceremony.

And there were signs. Monday night Emily's fortune cookie was very promising.


Mine wasn't particularly encouraging. Panda Express really @ed me hard.


When it came to buying the actual tickets, the guy at the gas station literally asked to see my ID as if my grey hairs don't look every bit of 25 and then some. When he commented that my picture looked like me I said "I paid good money for this, it better look like me" and that would have been a cute story to share as I made my rounds on all the talk shows to promote my new book that I released with the publishing house I bought. Simon & Schuster? You mean Rachel & Rachel.

We also put the tickets under crystals. So if we had won that would have been definitive proof of my witchcraft.

I had my students plan out what they would purchase if they won the lottery since we're studying sales math right now. One student decided he would buy Hawaii. I tried to inform him that that's not quite how real estate works and he said he would just take it over with some tanks. I asked his age and learned that he was 14. So I said "sweetie, the government won't let you buy spray paint, what makes you think they will let you buy military weapons?" and another student asked the better question of how he would transport this tank to Hawaii. So now he is also in the market for an aircraft carrier as well. But at least he had a dream. And so did I.

So did I.

Vaxplanation

As we all know, if there's one thing I love it's Jeff Goldblum. But if there's two things I love it's Jeff Goldblum and vaccines.

So today we're going to have a little science lesson. Let me make it clear that I do not understand science. At all. But I have friends who do and they explained this to me. So buckle up, I'm Ms. Frizzle now.

Basically, viruses are like house plants. So your body makes some little Rachels to kill them. Your body also makes this chemical called interferon when it recognizes a virus. And interferon's job is to make life real miserable for the house plants so they will want to leave. The interferon is bullying the house plants and in the process, it also makes you feel like poop.

But then eventually, you get better! Or you die. When I got my flu shot, my body made A TON of interferon because the flu shot acts like a fake house plant. It's not really a house plant but your immune system is a dog (or a guest) who is a little stupid, so your immune system is like "it's a house plant! Attack!" and then starts mass producing interferon. This leads to some people believing that the flu shot gave them the flu. That is not how any of this works. If you have a really strong immune system you can easily have a strong reaction to the flu shot.

And if y'all thought I was dramatic...you should have seen how my body overreacted to the influenza vaccine. Good news is, you can still read about it.

I got a flu shot at Walgreens and I was totally fine aside from my arm being miserably sore. And I got the shot in my right arm because I'm an idiot so I was constantly reminded of my own stupidity. I felt fine when I went to bed but I woke up at 3:00 AM with extreme chills, I was shivering, could not get back to sleep I was so cold. I was wrapped in one fuzzy blanket and my comforter and pulled my arm out to grab my phone to check the time. Just that made my teeth chatter. 

I knew I had to do something. The only thing I could think of (besides the weighted blanket that was all the way in Emily's room because it IS Emily's blanket) was my raccoon onesie. So I kept shaking for a good 20 minutes, working up the courage to go get my onesie from my closet.

I finally darted into my closet and zipped up the onesie over my icicle corpse. I grabbed some fuzzy socks too for good measure. I wrapped myself up into a fuzzy blanket and comforter burrito and texted Emily something real dramatic like "come see me before you leave for work, if I live into the morning" since work was cancelled for me due to Hurricane Michael.

Astonishingly, I lived. I woke up around 6:00 AM and I wasn't shaking anymore but I did still feel like I was dying. Horrible headache and fatigue all over. I took some Advil and a nap and woke up to discover that I had survived.

Naturally, everyone was really concerned.

I am happy to still be in the land of the living and if anyone needs any medical scenarios explained to them I think this blog post proves that I'm your girl. If, however, you need a plant watered, you are barking up the wrong plastic ficus. 

Macdeath

A few weeks ago I made a CliffsNotes version of the book of Esther for Yom Kippur and I must say, it was a big hit. So this week I am doing CliffsNotes of Macbeth - but with a twist! Because I have never read or studied Macbeth in any capacity. Don't get me wrong, I am a nerd. Just not the "read Shakespeare that isn't assigned by a teacher" type of nerd. But I did see a performance of an abridged version of Macbeth last week. Here are my notes.

Let's start with the cast. We have witches. Dope. I'm here for it. There's also a king. And obviously there's Macbeth. Is he a king too? He has a title. He's someone. No Scrooge McDuck unfortunately. The king has a personal assistant named Malcolm which is def a stalker name. And there's also Banquo. And I think he's a fighter pilot based on his jacket even though that seems anachronistic. Lady Macbeth is like a momager. She's Kris Jenner. There's also the Macduff family but they're not much.

• Okay this guy...the king...is limping. Is that part of it or did the actor wreck his bike yesterday?
• From what I can gather, someone has died and they're giving his title to Macbeth. Is there an inheritance tax on that?
• Macbeth is both the Thane of Cawdor and Thane of Glamis? Is that like being a duchess? Does he know Meghan Markle?
• I think there is some spell casting happening. 
• I am LIVING for Lady Macbeth's outfit.
• Lady Macbeth is telling Macbeth to be a Slytherin but he's a Hufflepuff who really really really wants to be a Gryffindor.
• Oh wait someone is being assassinated, I think I missed something important.
• Macbeth is telling his wife to stop but I don't think she's gonna listen.
• There's a long speech about breastfeeding.
• There is a lot of kissing in this play, everyone is going to get mono.
• I got mono my first year of college and told my dad it must be from reading the Bible too fervently.
• I think he bought it.
• Ohhhh King Duncan got murked.
• Lady Macbeth is all about "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" homegirl is in her cups.
• Lady Macbeth says that someone looked just like her dad...do we need to call The Maury Show?
• Macbeth is totally whipped.
• Macbeth either has guilt-induced insomnia or the Italian sleeping sickness.
• Probably the former because I think he's Scottish but there is a disappointing lack of accents.
• Macbeth has obviously never listened to My Favorite Murder because he is carrying the murder weapon around with him even though he was supposed to leave it with the guards to frame them.
• Lady Macbeth has to do the framing, never send a man to do a woman's job.
• But also don't send Lady Macbeth to do a job unless that job is murder she's kind of a one-trick pony.
• I think Banquo is wasted now too.
• Is Macduff Malcolm X?
• Lady Macbeth faints as a diversion. Or maybe she had some bad haggis. Is there such a thing as good haggis?
• Now Macbeth is like the interim king...but Banquo gets to be king later? Or his son does? Are they like tag teaming it?
• Lady Macbeth is like a Teen Mom 2 producer but Macbeth suddenly has a mind of his own.
• Now we meet Lady Macduff and she is oh too late to really analyze that character she got murdered too.
• Malcolm is kind of like Lyanna Mormont. Always tryna start something.
• Macduff and Macbeth are trying to kill each other. 
• Macduff kills Macbeth and everyone claps so I guess we like Macduff.
• Macduff makes Malcolm king. 
• I did not see that coming.
• Game over.

Epidural West

Last night I got a text that my cousin was at the hospital! In labor! Real labor not like the last time when she was having intense contractions and they sent her home. She still managed to have a good time at her dad's birthday party while having contractions every 15-20 minutes.

Before you feel too bad for Brittany, keep in mind that from behind she didn't look pregnant at all. This is my impression of Brittany going maternity clothes shopping..."oh, guess I will get a medium." And she lost almost 7 pounds at 3:00 AM! She's probably back to her pre-pregnancy weight as you're reading this.

Once we got the news that she was back in the hospital but for real, I of course sent helpful and encouraging messages like "I have to plan the first outfit the baby will see me in" and "I already have my Instagram caption planned" and "tomorrow afternoon really works best for me but no pressure, just something to keep in mind."

After the initial excitement wore off I realized there were a few numbers in the group text that I didn't recognize. You know what that means. Shabooya! Sha, sha, shabooya! Roll call!


FYI, I am almost always the one talking about Instagram. And Kelsey is almost always the one talking about quitting.

Okay, maybe she gets that from me.

As usual, no one matched my enthusiasm so I took over the roll calls for everyone else.


You're welcome.

This morning I woke up to the good news that Brittany had her baby! And she didn't even poop during the birth! It's a.......libra!

In the last few weeks, every time I put my hand on Brittany's belly the baby high fived me so I can already tell I'm his favorite. He especially loves when I sing him Fleetwood Mac songs.

While I was visiting he had to go take a hearing test. He passed it really fast so I guess he's already advanced. I asked Brittany if she was scared about letting the baby leave the room and go somewhere she can't see him for the test. She informed me that these days babies have little anti-theft devices on them so the nurses can't leave the floor with the babies. Pretty high tech.

Before seeing the baby I requested my vaccination records from my doctor's office to make sure everything was up to date. My mother felt like that was overkill but you know what? I believe in vaccines. I made sure to scrub in before holding the baby too and I didn't even kiss his little face. Just his head. It was an amazing show of restraint.

I will of course be creating an Amazon Wish List so you guys know what to get me for (god) Mother's Day. Keep in mind that it will be super close to my birthday so if you want to just get one big gift that is fine. I'm very accommodating.