AHSxMBTI

In honor of a new season of American Horror Story that I can't watch because satellite providers in this country are like a cartel and in protest of Netflix getting rid of the series before 2018...today's post is a Myers Briggs analysis of AHS characters from seasons 1-5 because I have yet to see seasons 6 & 7. But I do look forward to some streaming service ripping that rug out from under me in the near future.

(If you need to figure out which MBTI type you are, please get it together and refer to this post.)

ISTJ - The Examiner

Violet Harmon (Murder House)

Sure, she doesn't realize that she's dead, but she notices the important things. And she has a healthy appreciation for the east coast and darkness. I can dig it. Violet is the girl we all thought we were in middle school when we were actually Lizzie McGuire. If we were lucky.

ISFJ - The Defender

Tate Langdon (Murder House)

I actually think that almost every Evan Peters character on this show is an ISFJ. He would do anything to protect Violet, even hiding a dead body...technically her dead body. I think a lot of girls would say they want a Tate, minus the mommy issues and mass murder.

INFJ - The Counselor

Ethel Darling (Freak Show) 

Homegirl NAILED the Baltimore accent. And I've memorized Hairspray so that means a lot coming from me. Everyone comes to Ethel for advice. Maybe it's the beard? Or the fact that she raised a true gentleman. But I say that about every character Evan Peters plays. He could play Saddam Hussein and I would probably still swoon.

INTJ - The Strategist

Lana Winters (Asylum) 

The Erin Brokovich of our story, Lana has a taboo relationship just like everyone else in Asylum. When she finds herself with a Buffalo Bill type, Lana is smart enough to fight back and get out. She's even smarter to monetize her torturous past. Best revenge is your paper.

ISTP - The Craftsman

Arthur Arden (Asylum) 

Our very own Dr. Death, Arthur fancies himself a craftsman, scientist and innovator but he's really just a war criminal. I feel like if he had more access to Legos as a child he could have been a Steve Jobs instead of a Josef Mengele.

ISFP - The Artist

Misty Day (Coven)

Misty is a big part of why Coven is the best season. Wouldn't we all like to spend our days chilling in a swamp and listening to Fleetwood Mac? If Shrek and Stevie Nicks had a baby...it would be Misty Day. And bringing people back from the dead? She's like Coven's Melisandre.

INFP - The Dreamer

Liz Taylor (Hotel) 

I would die for her wardrobe. The shoes, the earrings, the makeup, the leather, the sequins. If I wanted to be Liz for Halloween I would have to start in February. Liz is like the Hotel Cortez's own person Stefon, she knows all the hot spots and hot gossip.

INTP - The Architect

James Patrick March (Hotel)

Get it…because he built the hotel. I had to. This devil in the city of angels desperately needs a new wardrobe and some new friends but at least he knows how to build a nice hotel. And he needed the real estate. Sometimes crawl spaces just aren't enough square footage, as our clown friend can attest to.

ESTP - The Promoter

Marcy (Murder House)

You have to work some kind of promotion magic to sell that house AND that hotel. Maybe she also sold the Beetlejuice house to the Deetzes who knows? I wouldn't want to do business with her but I do admire her.

ESFP - The Performer

Elsa Mars (Freak Show) 

All she wants is to put on a good show. And be David Bowie. But don't we all? I mean stars never pay. When singing takes her nowhere she tries knife throwing and that gets...messy. But I of all people can appreciate a gal who just wants to perform.

ENFP - The Champion

Fiona Goode (Coven)

The BADDEST witch in town. I live for this woman. If being afraid of aging is wrong, I don't want to be right. And she fights racism in the pettiest way! There's a political agenda I can get behind. Long live the queen.

ENTP - The Inventor

Stanley (Freak Show) 

I would argue that Stanley is the real villain of Freak Show because Twisty's backstory makes me BAWL every time. He mainly invents stories but I think Stanley could have been a very successful taxidermist in another life.

ESTJ - The Supervisor

Sister Jude (Asylum)

Jude Jude bo-bude banana-fana fo-fude. She supervises Briarcliff, keeps a close eye on Dr. Arden and takes Sister Mary Eunice under her wing (until Satan intervenes). Fun fact: The Name Game is the most popular episode in the entire anthology.

ESFJ - The Provider

Elizabeth (Hotel)

Some say murderer I say provider. She really does love and protect her army of stolen vampire children. Not to mention it's Gaga. She's got a jawline for days herself and almost everyone in this season, alive or dead, is in love with her whether they know it or not.

ENFJ - The Teacher

Cordelia Foxx (Coven)

Cordelia is a dedicated teacher who just wants her own child to teach. Cordelia provides the unconditional love to combat Fiona's tough...disdain? I named my car after Cordelia and according to the internet, she's still the supreme.

ENTJ - The Maverick

Madison Montgomery (Coven)
Surprise. Bet you’d thought you’d seen the last of this article. You can't out maverick the maverick. I'm not sure where that quote is from but I want to say Senator John McCain. Madison is cool, beautiful, powerful and completely narcissistic. What's not to love?

Love It or List It

If you've spent a lot of time in the waiting room of my dentist's office like I have (see root canals 1 & 2) then you've probably seen at least a few episodes of HGTV's hit Love It or List It, the show where homeowners have big budgets and even bigger must-have lists. Season 12 is almost all in Raleigh/Durham and I am really wondering why no one has made a series called The Best Nest where single men buy or renovate properties as a mating display and then eligible bachelorettes such as myself can come to the open house slash speed dating event. But since no one ever listens to me, instead of looking at paint samples for my Barbie Dreamhouse, I spent last weekend searching for a new apartment in Apex.

Here's what it would take for us to LOVE IT:

• a miracle

Here's what it would take for us to LIST IT:

• cheap
• close to work
• bathtubs
• ice machine 

So my roommate and I headed out to view rental properties after I lost a battle with Alka-Seltzer and threw up approximately 7 times.

We had to pick outfits that said "responsible job holders seek modest abode and will always pay rent on time" without saying "possess disposable income and can afford to pay for garden tubs."

I told Emily "I'm wearing my college class ring because it says 'mama didn't raise no fool'" to which she replied "I'm not wearing mine, my mom won't let me keep it because she's afraid I will lose it since I already lost it once."

We decided to keep that information to ourselves.

After viewing the first place we headed back to the office to get our IDs and I noticed a beautiful display of what appeared to be salted caramel chocolate chip cookies - one of my many gluten-related weaknesses. I very timidly asked the office manager "Are those real cookies?" and when she confirmed that they were real cookies and not just plastic like the fake fruit some properties use to stage rooms, I had to indulge to make sure she wasn't a liar. It was pretty delicious and I am somewhat of a cookie connoisseur so that is high praise.

At the second place we quickly learned that our price range was much less flexible than we had originally thought. At the third place we learned that nice bathtubs cost a lot of money and that being right next to a Walmart is actually not that appealing when you're so poor you walk past gumball machines with longing. Having groceries, entertainment and beauty products just a quick walk away would be too tempting. Although I CAN afford to bet money that we would have never actually walked.

With our decision all but made, we sat in the parking lot and used Google Maps to make sure we were within close proximity to all of our favorite haunts. Walmart, Bojangles', Arby's, therapy, Zaxby's, Chick-fil-A, Michaels. Check, check, check, check, check, check and check.

So we went back in to look at the apartment one last time just to be sure. I helped myself to a fresh cookie and a fresh address.

Irmagerd

Last weekend the infamous Populorums descended upon Carolina Beach making Hurricane Irma the second most dangerous phenomenon impacting the east coast. I headed east to reunite with my other family and celebrate my best friend's mom's wedding. Julie has now officially lapped me in the marriage department. I think I'm at the point where they just hand everyone a participation medal.

After a lovely ceremony on the beach at sunset, we danced to Men at Work at the reception and then returned to the 6 bedroom beach house that was home base for 3 uncles, 2 aunts, 6 cousins, 1 girlfriend, 1 photographer, and a few other hangers-on, myself included. Now I would love to say that after a busy 2 days of wedding festivities, beaching and family bonding we all came home and went to sleep. But this was Caroline's family. And those people are crazy. I can say that because I know they will take it as a compliment, as they should. So instead of getting some sleep, I went to McDonald's for a caffeine refuel, ate 3 leftover mini cupcakes and prepared for another long night with the crazy people I call my family whether they like it or not.

This is how it begins. I sit down at the table, preparing for what I'm sure will be another night of unsolicited They Might Be Giants karaoke and gossip when Caroline's aunt, Brigit, asks me if she made my Snapchat story.

Being the benevolent social media maven that I am, I tell Brigit (affectionately known as G because baby Caroline had a speech impediment) that I will put her on my Snapchat story. I also tell her that I have hiccups and they hurt. Which she thankfully recorded on her own Snapchat stories because these are the memories I want to have forever. Julie & Mike's eternal love and my painful esophageal issues.

That escalated quickly. We embark upon an epic Snapchat battle royale that had my followers saying "who is this random woman" and had her followers saying "Brigit why are you so obsessed with Rachel? We know she's a cultural icon but let her live."

Brigit had zero maternal sympathy for my brutal hiccups. She laughed at me. 

All I wanted was a heartfelt "awwww I'm sorry let me run right out and get you some seltzer with no concern for the 18 other cars parked in this driveway" was that so much to ask? Yet after refusing to drop her sister-of-the-bride, mother and adult responsibilities with reckless abandon for my hiccups, G insists that I still love her.

This lady doth protest. At this point I think it's important that we all thank Sara for doing my makeup (and everyone else's) because without her this blog post would not have the visual aids as my face post-10 PM is not consumable for the general public. We're talking pores the size of Mary-Kate Olsen's head, a T-zone that makes Rudolph's nose look dull and eyebrows that are not twins, sisters or even cousins.

But since I realized I actually didn't look my normal level of heinous (thnx Sara) I decided that this very Snapchat war would be featured on the blog.

Although we were at war I very diplomatically warned Brigit about the loss of anonymity that would occur once she was featured in WGW blog post. Her life is about to completely change.

I also think that I inadvertently taught her how to use Snapchat more effectively. What have I done? I am Frankenstein. She is my monster. But I want to be Mary Shelley so I'm pretending Frankenstein is an autobiography.

Carol finally makes it home and is warmly welcomed by Brigit and Erin (or G and Eh Eh because baby Caroline's lack of speech therapy almost tore this family apart) I explain that "pickle" is our safe word.

 

I then learn that Caroline had no idea that pickle was our safe word. Either she's a bad friend or pickle is actually my safe word with Taylor. This explains a few frantic conversations that I thought were about rescuing me from an awkward situation while the other party thought we were discussing condiments.

I'm still pondering this safe word debacle when Brigit starts remixing Sir Mix A Lot after someone offers her a burger because my car went to McDonald's on the way home and placed 5 separate orders for 4 people in the drive through. We did apologize profusely and only meant to place 4 orders, the extra 5th order was for cookies and y'all no I couldn't pass that up.

There are no words. I'm going to let this one speak for itself.

All night Brigit is telling me to refresh my Snapchat so I can see the newest additions to her story. If you look at this photo closely you will notice she is holding a large wooden spoon. In most families these are used to serve food. In this family they are used as microphones to serve up some Red Hot Chili Peppers.

It's a truce. We end our Snapchat war for the good of the world and to avoid losing Snapchat friends which are pretty scarce on both sides. We have no social media followers to spare.

 And I must admit...I do love G.

Thank you Populorums. There's a little birdhouse in my soul for each of you. Whatever that means.