BIBLE TL; DR Elijah

Elijah was a prophet that God used to turn the people of Israel away from King Ahab and his false god Baal. Ahab's wife Jezebel was like Baal's hype man. She proves that you can take the girl out of Phoenicia, but you can't take the Phoenicia out of the girl, am I right?

God sent Elijah to tell King Ahab that no rain would fall for 3 years. Ahab didn’t even sweat it because he didn’t believe in God. But kind of like how not believing in mosquitoes doesn't mean you will never get bitten, not believing in God does not negate His existence. And God don’t lie so He sent Elijah to an area where he would be safe and have water while the drought was happening.

God also sent Elijah to a woman who would feed him, but the woman was almost out of flour and oil. This is probably where I would have headed out. No bread? Thanks but no thanks God, I will take my chances on the road. But the woman made bread for Elijah anyway and the Lord provided for her and her son by giving them free refills like McDonald’s. I mean technically her son did die but God brought him back to life so it’s all Gucci.

God sends Elijah back to Ahab to tell him rain is coming. Ahab was like "Elijah this is all your fault, we are straight up not having a good time because you play too much." This is called gaslighting by way of projection. Luckily Elijah had put in years of hard work with his therapist so he didn't fall for Ahab's crap and he challenged him. Your god versus my God. Mt. Carmel. Rap battle. Just kidding. Fire battle. Which is even cooler.

The first altar to catch fire would prove their god’s existence. The prophets of Baal cried out to him but their altar remained unburnt. Elijah had jokes and said “maybe y’all just need to be louder, Baal might be sleeping” but when the prophets got louder nothing happened.

When it was Elijah’s turn he built his altar and soaked it in water. The crowd was shocked because A - water is a hot commodity in the desert and B - water is a notoriously bad incendiary. They had all passed fifth grade science and knew damp wood is not very flammable. But once Elijah cried out to God the altar burst into flames. Everyone watching believed that Elijah’s God was real. Elijah prayed to God to end the drought and after a lot of cloud watching, there was finally a tiny cloud in the distance. I hear it looked like a pony.

There was a ton of rain and Jezebel was big mad because Baal is exposed, Elijah had receipts and everything. #Baaliscancelledparty was trending on Twitter. So Elijah has to run away because Jezebel is tryna fight him but he won't hit a girl.

Elijah is just chilling and minding his own business but then Ahab decides that he really wants a vineyard. His "god" can't turn water into wine so he had to get creative. Instead of hiring a real estate agent in Napa, he decides to take some other guy's vineyard. By having the vineyard owner put to death. Weird flex but not okay.

Elijah can't just sit back and let that happen so he publicly denounces Ahab. Probably on Twitter. Ahab's son gets sick and prays for Baal to heal him but Baal is an anti-vaxxer and he can't do anything.

A lot of other stuff happened to Elijah after that. He really went for the hipster lifestyle for a bit and was off the grid. Elijah finally appoints Elisha as his successor. I guess he was worried no one would be able to learn a new name and thought this would make the transition easier. Instead of dying he just shoots up to heaven on a gust of wind. Naturally.

Post Malone > Postmates

I like to use Venmo as a sort of offshore account. It's where I hide some of my money from myself. And then it comes in handy when I'm not very liquid.

That little nest egg comes in handy when Emily and I decide to order Postmates. And we've ordered Postmates a lot during this pandemic. Honestly, between online orders from craft stores, Sephora and Amazon I may well be single-handedly keeping this economy afloat right now. Of course, I'm not made of money and that explains why I believe that non-essential businesses that have recently reopened are skimping on the AC to save money right now. But that's a story for another time. Actually that one sentence was kind of the whole story. Between the humidity and a face mask, ya girl is dying.

But when I'm not busy attempting to treat the chin acne that comes from sweat pooling in your cotton face mask, I do enjoy some take out. I think that it's fiscally irresponsible to pay what I swear is always like $20 more to have food delivered, but when I'm venmoing Emily and not entering my debit card number, am I really spending money? I think not. I don't claim to be an expert, but I did teach Personal Finance. Once.

So for the past few months I have been forking over a little money here and a bit of venmo balance there to get sweet and sour chicken, arroz con pollo and of course, cheese curds, delivered to the comfort of my home. And there have been some bad experiences, sure. Burger King never gives me my sauce, drivers can never find my apartment and once a cheese dip was missing. Emily wanted to press charges. But love (of food) covers a multitude of sins. We forgave and forgot. Until now.

The thing about these food delivery services is that there is a service fee. In order for Grubhub and Postmates and DoorDash and whoever to make money, they charge a service and delivery fee. So even when you get a code for free delivery, you are spending more than you would if you just went yourself. That's how it works. People pay for convenience.

The girl my father raised still cringes at the idea of paying more for the same food just to have it brought to me, but when I noticed that certain menus were completely marked up through Postmates, I had to investigate. Maybe I was misunderstanding? Not likely but I hear it happens. One day Emily was filling up her Postmates cart with Zaxby's and told me that our total was $40. Now have wee been known to spend that much at Taco Bell? Yes. But this was ridiculous. I asked her how much the 4 piece chicken tender meal was and on the Postmates app it was...$15. You know how much it is at Zaxby's? $8. Is Zaxby's upcharging? Is it Postmates? We have no idea. No more Postmating Zaxby's. Problem solved right?

But like everything else in my life, it gets worse! For my birthday we were going to use a free delivery code to order some lemon pepper wings from Apex Wings Restaurant & Pub. I've only been there once but they have something called tot fondue so Emily was sold. We placed our order and anxiously awaited the arrival of melted cheese and fried wings. But somewhere in the process, we got a phone call from Apex Wings. Whoever was in charge of handing out the delivery orders made our Postmate call us and give him the phone so he could explain that Postmates was upcharging every thing on their menu. He recommended that we cancel the order and not buy their food through Postmates anymore. We stan a king!

As I was researching for this post I see that Apex Wings is no longer available on Postmates. Could be a coincidence but I'm going to assume they cut ties. I recommend everyone support Apex Wings because they have wings, trivia nights and employees that value their customers.

Hidden costs bad, happy customers good.

Free to a Good Home

It is the 2 year anniversary of my roommate ruining my life. 730 days ago she brought home the world's most excited dog. Well he wasn't excited at first. Over the years he has gained an unacceptable degree of familiarity with us. And 8 pounds. That is probably due to Emily taking him to McDonald's and getting him a cheeseburger with a McChicken for dessert.

She was really catfished by the shelter because they told her he was a lab mix of sorts but after a few months of him not growing we had to accept the unfortunate truth. He's all terrier. And that is why he terrorizes my life.

I have given him opportunities to make himself useful. He has no discernible skills. The only command he knows is sit but even that is disobeyed if he is not a fan of the surface. I suggested he get a job. But he is really not photogenic (though, who am I to talk?) so there's no way to monetize his persona on social media. See below for proof.


The main issue is that he rarely sits still for a photo. Most pictures of him are just a blur because he is too busy jumping up and down. He's like the dog in the Beggin' Strips commercial. Except there's no bacon. And he's begging for attention.

Not gonna lie, that's something I can get on board with but there's really only room for one attention seeker in this apartment. And that's me. So I have attempted to sell him on Facebook but that got me banned from Facebook marketplace because apparently that is illegal. I am no longer asking for money, he is free to a good home. Well, free to any home really. Entertaining all offers.


Here are some of his, let's say, quirks.

• once Emily parks the car he launches himself at the window whether it is open or closed
• pees when scared
• barks at delivery guys 
• refuses to eat vegetables (kinda proud of that one)
• his preferred position is pressing as much of his surface area onto you as possible, if the two of you morphed into one being he would be fine with that
• good at sharing toys
• has grown accustomed to the lap of luxury and expects monthly bark boxes
• frequently chokes on water, food and air
• VERY licky. very.
• enjoys mingling and a good meet and greet
• refuses to accessorize
• does not enjoy when humans exercise
• loves eating french fries but needs his ranch, a dog of taste
• terrified of vacuums and trashcans
• zero spatial reasoning or regard for if your body is already occupying a space he is going to take the shortest path and I can't blame him because he doesn't have a Fitbit
• pretty oblivious to anything that is not a dog or human
• loves coconut oil
• will wear clothes for short periods of time
• big fan of digging in the sand at the beach
• will enter lakes with plenty of coaxing but once in water will also stand on your head to avoid going under so...excellent survival instincts
• he is always interested in whatever is being done in the kitchen even when it's not food

Last and certainly not least annoying, every single time Emily comes home he acts as if he was worried that she had left forever and he was going to have to sublet the place. If she is gone for a day or gone for a second it is the same production. Jumping and licking and licking and jumping.

Emily, you can stop reading now.

Okay now that it's just us, I will admit that he is pretty good as far as dogs go. In my experience, dogs can go one of two ways. Either they are super into everything and chew up your stuff or they just want attention and for you to hold them at all times. Mako is definitely the latter and since I don't have to do the holding, he's alright by me.

^Mako after reading this post "seriously Wachel, why are you so obsessed with me?"

5.25.20

This is a statement from a former student and current friend:


The Black Lives Matter movement has never tried to bring erasure for another group. Our goal has been to highlight the injustices, discrimination, and lack of devotion to protect our wellbeing. For those who are out protesting to show we all demand change, to those donating, and to those simply helping to bring awareness and hold the conversations that’s been avoided for too long now, I wanted to say thank you. I know you didn’t do it for attention or to get a thank you, but personally from me to each person working to say we’ve had enough whether you’ve been in my shoes or not, black people come out of the womb pretty much told what to do and what not to do and how to “stay in our place” to stay safe and off the radar. Because of this, often times we feel unseen or learn that we aren’t AS valued as others and to accept that’s just the way it is. And while I’ve personally never let that stop me from trying to be the loudest in the room and working to break glass ceilings, since the death of George Floyd many have viewed this as a dark time for our country but I have never felt more seen or valued, just from personally being a part of protests and looking around to witness that we are no longer treating this as just a black issue. To see our generation refusing to stay silent and taking matters into our hands to demand change and see other communities come together to say we see you, we hear you, and we’re standing with you is all it takes to make someone around you know that you acknowledge them and value their life. Remember to stay safe and participate or give in any way you know how, but your silence speaks louder than anything and contributes to the problem that has gone on for far too long.


Here are some links because I think we've all heard enough of my voice for now.

for education:

• https://www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/the-death-of-george-floyd-in-context
• https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/us/racism-african-americans-quiz.html
• https://www.cdc.gov/tuskegee/timeline.htm#:~:text=It%20was%20called%20the%20%E2%80%9CTuskegee,benefit%20of%20patients'%20informed%20consent.

for donations:

• https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd
• https://www.gofundme.com/f/i-run-with-maud
• https://www.innocenceproject.org/about/
• https://www.reclaimtheblock.org/home

for scholarships:

• https://www.ronbrown.org/
• https://www.jackierobinson.org/support/
• https://www.nhbwjoliet.com/support-us

for reading:

• Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
• The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
• This Is Just My Face by Gabourey Sidibe

for viewing:

• Just Mercy - free to rent on Amazon Prime Video
• When They See Us - on Netflix
• Moonlight - on Netflix
• Whose Streets? - on Hulu

DISCLAIMER: These are not "feel good" viewings because this is not a "feel good" time.