BIBLE TL; DR Rachel

Jacob & Rachel fell in love at first sight even though that is dumb. And they are cousins. What is one thing the Old Testament and Game of Thrones have in common? Iain Glen! And lots of incest.

They went to Rachel’s father Laban and Jacob promised to work for Laban for 7 years just so he could marry Rachel. Meanwhile I had to buy my own kid's meal on a date with a reporter. Like dude. I have seen you on TV! I know you can afford the $3.75 for my grilled cheese and apple juice.

Laban had an older daughter named Leah. Rachel was obviously beautiful but Leah just had a good personality. After 7 years full of annoying hashtags (#cousinlovin) and Instagram countdowns, the wedding finally happened. Once the bride removed her veil Jacob realized he had been tricked. It was Leah, not Rachel. And you think you’ve been catfished?

Laban had plotted to get Leah married off first since she was older and she was like a 2 but Rachel was a 10. Jacob still wanted Rachel so he promised to work another 7 years for Laban. Those 7 years felt like a day because he loved Rachel so much. After 14 long years they were finally married. Kate Middleton probably feels better now.

Leah began having a lot of sons, she was like octomom. But Rachel couldn’t get pregnant and it made her very sad. After a long time she finally got pregnant and she named her son Joseph. He was totally spoiled and Jacob’s favorite. He was like the Colby of the family. Rachel even made him a fetching coat of many colors, just ask Dolly Parton.

Then Rachel got pregnant again because Mesopotamia was comparable to rural Alabama in terms of birth control accessibility. While the family was traveling to Canaan Rachel went into labor. There were no doctors present, not because she was a hippie but because doctors didn't exist back then.

Rachel died in childbirth and named the baby Ben Oni which means son of my mourning. That kid would probably need therapy later in life. But Jacob changed his name to Ben Yamin which probably means son of the right. 

And I do not support men literally going over their wives' dead bodies and renaming babies but I think it was probably for the best here.

Game of Spinoffs

Master of Whiskers

Join Jackson Galaxy as he wargs into the pesky felines of Westeros. Is your saber-tooth peeing all over the family quilts? Pushing glasses of fine Dornish reds right off the table? Only the master of whiskers can help.


Escaping Craster
In this heart-wrenching and heartwarming tale we follow the daughters and wives of Craster as they relocate all over the continent. Morag founds a nonprofit dedicated to rescuing women from polygamy as the others get assimilated Kimmy Schmidt style.

Say Yea to the Cloak
When she least expected it, true love found Sansa Stark. Set to marry the man she doesn't need but does deserve, the perfect gown is a must. What a beautiful day for a winter wedding.

Love It or Loot It
It's a buyer's market in King's Landing! Land holders in the capital return to assess the damage and determine if they love it and want to rebuild or just turn to a life of looting. Ain't no party like a pillage party cause a pillage party leaves a trail of destruction that will take multiple generations to undo.

Trading Faces

Our good friend Jaqen H'ghar helps men and women in need of a lift...a facelift that is. Step 1 - find the face you want. Step 2 - kill its owner. Step 3 - werk!

1,000 Ways for Cersei to Die
Still upset about Cersei meeting an end that was far too kind? Tune in every Tuesday at 8 to see a brand new, original and horrendous way for Cersei to die. No falling debris here! Will she be trampled by elephants in the series premiere? Be careful what you wish for.

Queen in the Naath

Grey Worm is the newest arrival in this tropical paradise and quickly becomes the most eligible bachelor. As many beauties vie for his affection, will one become his bride or does his heart still belong to Missandei?

Mermaid Tank

Master of Coin Bronn travels the six kingdoms in search of funding for the reconstruction of brothels. Along the way he meets some enthusiastic investors and some conscientious objectors. Hilarity ensues.

Westerosworld

Watch as Arya sails westward, proves the earth is not flat and accidentally introduces greyscale to indigenous populations. This is going to be one wild ride.
Soundtrack by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Break the Wheel of Fortune
Westerosis try to guess common Valyrian and Dothraki sayings in this word play game. Losers will get a field trip to the moon door so you better buy a vowel!

Undercover Bran

The new king rolls up on local businesses and busts them for not being handicap accessible. Many montages feature Ser Podrick carrying Bran (a la Hodor) up stairs and down stairs as they fight to enforce the Westerosis with Disabilities Act.

Tomb Raiders

On this new dating show, 3 singles will hop into the back of a wagon and tour the crypts of 3 unidentified suitors. Can you pick your soulmate based on their ancestral remains? Or is love...dead?


Ironborn Chef
Yara Greyjoy is back in the Iron Islands and hungry for...well, food. Pyke needs a new chef but not just anyone will do. Watch as your favorite cooks serve up seafood, seafood and more seafood. Be sure to root for fan favorite Hot Pie!


Three Men and Little Lady Tarly
When Gilly goes out of town with little Sam, she leaves Samwell, Tyrion & Davos in charge of newborn Joan Snow Tarly. Will Tyrion teach her to drink milk and know things? Will Davos adopt her? Stay tuned.


Drogon Tales
What has Drogon been up to since he left King's Landing? Mentoring two Latinx children. Each episode teaches a new moral. Come along, take my hand, let's all go to Drogon Land.


Resources:
https://www.adda52.com/blog/which-game-of-thrones-character-are-you-as-a-poker-player/game-of-thrones-cartoon-cersei-lannister-01
https://www.vectorstock.com/royalty-free-vector/comic-cartoon-dynamite-vector-6802404
https://www.symbaloo.com/home/mix/13ePLVPK1P
https://www.canva.com/

Ride, Review, Subscribe

A few weeks ago I was in Orlando at Universal Studios. While Disney World is the happiest place on earth (because that's where I was back in 2011 when I learned Osama bin Laden had been killed), I prefer Universal. The main reason? A LOT LESS WALKING! In Disney you have to walk (and buy park hopper passes) all over the place just to get to a ride. In Universal, you walk in and BAM the best ride is right there. Well, slightly to the left there.


Not to mention the fact that the Orlando parks are WAY better than the California ones. But DisneySea in Tokyo is pretty dope.


I have a few years of experience with Universal, (I have been 3 times in the past 4 years, #humblebrag) so today I am breaking down my top tips and select ride reviews. You're welcome.

Universal Studios

Revenge of the Mummy

My favorite ride of all time. I never get bored waiting because I could talk about Egyptian mythology for HOURS.

Pretty good wheelchair service though extra tricky to navigate once inside because just like my future it is very dark. One time they let us in the express lane BUT I think that’s only because they know that leaving the ride you will have to keep the wheelchair from barreling down a series of ramps. I took out a lot of ankles leaving this ride. RIP.

Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit

The worst of the worst. Like the best ride, but the least wheelchair-friendly. Several rides at Universal have strict no anything allowed policies, like sunglasses, backpacks, fanny packs and even earrings. The first time we rode this, they insisted we get lockers for our assorted backpacks instead of just leaving them in the wheelchair. That is preposterous. You might want to hop in the single rider line for this one.

Islands of Adventure

Incredible Hulk
This ride is terrible. This is the no earrings ride. The only thing this would be good for is it you think you have a concussion but tests are inconclusive so you decide to just go ahead and be positive you're concussed before you see another doctor. This ride is so rough.

Dudley Do-Right's Ripsaw Falls
The line is a series of ramps. Requires a great deal of strength and knowing how to use wheelchair breaks. This ride is really not worth the wait. The Jurassic Park River Adventure is much more bang for your buck. The big drop you see from the outside is not that thrilling. And for the record...you get SOAKED.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter

Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey
The wheelchair comes in clutch pretty close to the end of this line but it's an uphill battle. Literally. A lot of the line is uphill. Probably my favorite Harry Potter ride since they closed the Dragon Challenge. But I want more Quidditch. More Quidditch and less spiders/dementors. Also could not really fit my fat arms through the restraint mechanism so that was uncomfortable.

Hogwarts Express
The big advantage here is that THEY will deal with the wheelchair, you just have to get your person on and off the train. There was always kind of a waiting line for the elevator you need to use due to a ton of strollers. My only suggestion for this ride is adding an actual snack trolley on the train. They DO have a small snack shop in the line. Genius.

Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts
Is Harry Potter even in this ride? Bellatrix is the real star of the show. The wheelchair didn't really help us or hurt us here. Fantastic ride. We need more death eater rides, am I right?

Shrek 4-D
The Shrek theater seats a lot of people at once so the wheelchair gets you to roughly the front of the big crowd before everyone walks in to grab seats. So nothing majorly helpful but this is always a pretty quick process anyway. The rice krispy treats in the Shrek gift shop looked amazing. I didn't buy one because I couldn't find a price so unfortunately I cannot confirm this.

Universal CityWalk

Cinemark at Universal CityWalk
Pretty accessible except for the first floor restrooms that are being renovated. So we had to take an elevator to the restrooms. Coca-Cola Freestyle machines AND tons of ICEE options. Alleged new fancy reclining seats. Not in the theater I was in! That was a let down. But $5 movies on Tuesdays, can't beat that!

Hard Rock Cafe Orlando at Universal CityWalk
Since we had a wheelchair we were seated downstairs. Not super exciting. BUT. I feel like I must explain this picture.


For privacy reasons I covered up everyone else's faces with emojis and I realize that takes away from the full effect but trust me, everyone else is smiling.


Let me paint you a little picture. It's 9:00 PM. At night. I'm hangry. We are waiting for a table at Hard Rock. Our name finally gets called but before we get seated, a guy with a camera directs us to stand in front of a green screen so he can take our picture. But he doesn't just take our picture. He starts positioning us like this is the freaking Sears Photo Center. I literally said "I am not smiling I'm annoyed" and this is what happened. I have no regrets.

Money Savers

• 2 words. Kids' meals. Just ask. 9 times out of 10 you can order a kids' meal, save money and then not feel guilty if you want an overpriced snack.
• Souvenir cups. BUT! Only worth it if you like a variety of drinks. Or at least Coke. Pretty much every food retailer will have the Coke basics. But Coca-Cola Freestyle machines aren't as ubiquitous. And many kiosks have random ICEE flavors as well so it's not like you can get blue raspberry, cherry or Coke whenever you want. 
• Bring a water bottle! You can bring unopened water bottles into the park with you. You can bring several! Because everything is overpriced in a theme park and I HATE paying for water. Period.
• Get souvenirs at local drug stores or convenience stores. Instead of getting a Hedwig stuffed animal at Universal for twenty dollars I got a beanie baby white owl in my hotel for eight bucks.

Rx Round Up

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and specifically BPD (borderline personality disorder) Awareness Month. This blog doesn't discuss serious issues often (save for Game of Thrones fan theories) but I wanted to try to share some of what I have learned about BPD in the last 4 years. So if you're looking for laughs I recommend my Twitter, Snapchat or Instagram. All @redwhiteandrae.

Let's start with a simplified explanation of the main issues affecting people with BPD.


For me, one of the main struggles is the black & white thinking. My mom accuses me of using the words hate & love too much but that's actually how I feel. It's either the best day or the worst day. I am either bored or stressed, there is no in between.


To be diagnosed with BPD, you have to have at least 5 of the 9 symptoms recognized by the DSM-V. These 9 symptoms fit into 4 main domains.

So some people with BPD may not any issues with paranoia at all or unstable relationships. Personally I have a big issue with impulse control that online shopping is really not helping. Whoever said money can't buy happiness was wrong. Buying things definitely makes me happy. Not lasting contentment but happiness for sure.

The conventional treatments for BPD include a mixture of talk therapy and medication. There are 3 primary styles of therapy recommended for BPD.

I used Psychology Today to find my current therapist because there are a lot of metrics you can customize. It's like eugenics for therapy. I particularly loved being able to select the gender and faith. I have encountered several people in the church who are skeptical of therapy but the messiah and mental health are not mutually exclusive. 

Along with eschewing therapy, a lot of people also shun medical interventions for mental health issues. THIS IS A MAJOR PROBLEM. Positive thinking and essential oils aren't going to help the chemical imbalance in my brain. You know what they call alternative medicine that works? Medicine.

One big issue in the field of antidepressants is the addictiveness of "benzos" - benzodiazepines.

There are 5 main classes of antidepressants commonly used in America today.

It can take a lot of trial and error to find the right prescription for you. It's hard to be patient with the process of being a patient, but it is really worth it in the end. From personal experience, Lexapro made me gain hella weight, I have loved Celexa and am currently transitioning to Zoloft which is supposed to decrease social anxiety. I don't really have an issue with social anxiety so in the event that this makes me have even less of a filter my mother will not be pleased. If she thinks I talk about my period too much in public now, she has no idea what's coming.

And that concludes Mental Health 101 with Dr. Unqualified. I doubt this will be helpful for people struggling with mental health issues themselves, but it may make BPD/therapy/antidepressants more understandable for their friends and families.

Also I made a mascot.

Key Insights

• if the emotions don't fit the situation, they are about something else
• what we see as the problem is often just a symptom of the problem (Iceberg Principle)
• physical health and mental health like...vibe off each other
• don't beat yourself up, focus on doing the best you can with what you have
• advocate for yourself, YOU are the only person who knows how medication is affecting you

Most importantly, if you need help don't be afraid to ask. If you are in school talk to a counselor about the resources available. If you have a job, find out what your insurance policy covers. Look online for free chat rooms, therapists who do online/phone sessions or other opportunities. 

And never be afraid to ask for help.

If it's Free it's For Me

If it's been awhile since you've seen my pajama shirt...you're in luck! Enjoy this video of me using a ton of free samples to create...a look of sorts. 

They key thing to remember is "it's not about looking pretty, it's about looking decent for no money."

Nailed it.