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Well, well, well. Here we are again. Blogging live from Break Up Town, USA. Party of 1. Me.

I won't share the whole saga because A) who cares and B) it's same old same old - but I do have some questions, most of which are why me? There are areas of my life where I have been very lucky. For instance, I don't have an outie belly button, so things could certainly be worse. But when it comes to guys, I have had the WORST LUCK. I know some of you are thinking that being dumped doesn't mean you have bad luck. It happens, that's life, move on and have I not considered that I might be the problem? Trust me, I have. And while it's true that I have been described as "a bit much" and "one of a kind" and "completely deranged"- there are way bigger train wrecks than me that don't seem to have this problem.

One theory is that God is developing my character for this grand stage production we call life. But I think the part of a strange woman repeatedly scorned by men is already spoken for by one Miss Aileen Wuornos. 

And also...is my character not developed enough already? They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so y'all really better watch out 'cause I'm 'bout to be invincible. I have grown VERY comfortable with rejection in my old age. Now that I'm in my late 30s (or at least it feels like I am), I am liable to walk right up to the most incredible guy you can think of...like Zachary Levi...and lose my nerve and fake a phone call so I can walk away and continue to remain unnoticed. 

But I try to believe that I will have a happy ending someday. Is it too much to ask that I receive dozens of handwritten letters that detail miserable lives filled with regret and sadness from all of my former flings? And is it petty to hope that parts of those letters are illegible due to numerous tear stains that dot the pages? A girl's gotta have dreams.

Of course dating apps could also be part of the problem, but what am I supposed to do? Meet people in real life like I'm freakin' Julia Roberts in a 90s romcom? The last guy that hit on me IRL was homeless and even he was offering a common law situation at best. 

So I'm open to trying new apps but I learned the hard way that Seeking Arrangements is NOT a site for people who just want to cut the crap and get an arranged marriage. My grandmother has gotten really into Craigslist but I can't imagine how her listing for me would read. "My granddaughter needs a man with a job, doesn't matter what the job is. Must attend church, pastoral recommendation letter preferred. She's a bit mouthy, but hasn't committed any crimes as far as I know. Duke fans need not apply."

No matter what happens, in my next relationship I am going to take things slower. More slowly? I'm not sure which is correct but I DO know the difference between your and you're so there is that. With the next guy, I will not let him borrow ANY Tupperware until the 10th date. Because this last man...threw. away. my. Pyrex. A nice 9x13 WITH A LID! Who does that? What a psychopath.

Boo, David

Hello, Weenies! My FAVORITE holiday is quickly approaching and as you all know, I'm a big fan of the DIY aspect of Halloween. It's like I always say, why spend $50 on a ready-to-wear costume when you can spend way more on the supplies to make a way worse version yourself?

In the past I have spend countless hours over a hot sewing machine creating the pieces that would transform me into Yzma, Bellatrix, Zipporah and Stevie Nicks. This year I have a few ideas in mind but it's hard to commit to spending so much time, money and effort on a costume that may not be seen by many people because earth is still closed.

So to test the Halloween DIY murky waters, I embarked on a similar project. For months I have been coming home to a lemon wreath and a lemon doormat that are adorable and honestly still weather-appropriate here in North Carolina, but they don't really spook up the place. 

I needed to get a Halloween doormat, or at the very least a doormat that makes sense year round. But I am also trying to use Amazon less frequently. And when I realized most doormats in the wild (aka Hobby Lobby) were $20, I just wasn't feeling it. I could have cut the price down to $12 with the use of an ever-present 40% off coupon, but that was still money that could and should be spent on beads and raccoon-related fall decor. 

Just when I had resigned to attempt to pass off lemon as a winter fruit like Bath & Body Works keeps doing with their limoncello candles, inspiration struck! I spotted some cute placemats in Bullseye's Playground, the section at the front of Target where everything is $1, $3 or $5. I really want people to start referring to it by its government name so I don't have to explain every time. I spent $6 buying 2 sets and ended up stitching 3 placemats together to create my Halloween doormat.

But anyone could do that. I had to kick it up a notch. So I explored my felt collection to jazz it up a bit.

Believe it or not, no blood was shed in the making of this doormat.

I think it looks pretty cute with my Halloween wreath and hopefully won't scare away any of the delivery people that I hope to be greeting over the next few weeks.

This experience really inspired me and now I am wondering if there is a way to get a plain black doormat and attach a laser to the top of my door frame that I could change season to season. Genius, right? Now I just have to head back to Hobby Lobby for some metalworking supplies.

Sober Science: Odd-Toed Ungulates

With a Masklace, You'll Never Be Mask-less!

New product alert! If you've ever gone on a walk with me, you know that I HATE carrying things. I love a purse and pockets, I HATE having to hold things in my hands. I will take a backpack with a water bladder if I plan on walking more than a mile. My phone stays deep within the zippered recesses of said backpack. If I ever get attacked on the American Tobacco Trail, which is honestly a strong possibility, I am screwed.

Now that I need to bring a mask everywhere, but also need to take it off as soon as I'm outside or alone due to the worsening mascne (TM) on my chin...I had to get creative. Rather than wait around for pockets to reappear in women's clothing, I made my own masklace (TM). A beaded lanyard with keychain rings on the ends that you can loop your mask through. 

Sport mode:

Casual mode:

So instead of spending $5 on a Walgreens mask that you force your roommate to go buy you when you forget yours en route to get flu shots, you can spend $5 on a masklace and then I will probably get Chick-fil-A with it. 

You can check out smaller masklaces better for kids on my Etsy shop here and larger ones better for adults here. Feel free to message me if you want custom colors/sizes/patterns.