I'm sure y'all are just as excited as I am for Halloween. I say this mainly because the proverbial y'all likely only consists of my mother and Zach, both of whom are, to my knowledge, excited for Halloween. So I thought the best way to pay homage to the start of the holiday season was to clue you all in on my favorite (and therefore the best) parts of Halloween.
Movies
In no particular order. Except for Hocus Pocus which is of course deservedly at the top with no close second. As soon as any of the other movies get a talking cat named Thackery Binks I will reconsider the standings. Please note that there is no Stephen King, that guy is a genius but seriously disturbed.
Hocus Pocus
I think we can all agree that it is the right decision to watch Hocus Pocus every time it is on television. Thora Birch is precious and the Sanderson sisters are just great. Bette Midler is perfection per usual and SJP is her normal, fabulous self. It'll put a spell on you.
Practical Magic
This movie exists in a world where Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock are sisters. So there's that. I love every movie that suggests there is some normal girl just chillin until one day she discovers she's a witch. This movie has that goin on for generations. And sisters committing and covering up a homicide? How fun!
The Little Vampire
I for one think of this as more of a year-round classic, but I understand that my more close-minded contemporaries associate vampires with Halloween. Jonathan Lipnicki is too much, is he not? The vampire cows actually really freak me out and if you say they don't bother you you're a liar. This movie is the reason I always include whistling in the skills section of my resume.
Beetlejuice
If you have limited resources pretty much any Tim Burton movie will do but Beetlejuice is the undisputed king of Halloween. Geena Davis, Michael Keaton, Winona Ryder, Catherine O'Hara. And most importantly, The Banana Boat Song.
The Addams Family
Christina Ricci is gold. Wednesday Addams makes being a psychopath cool, but even more impressive, she makes braided pig tails cool. But seriously, the love story between Gomez and Morticia is epic and inspiring to all of us still searching for our cara mias.
Episodes
So many excellent candidates but only 5 spots, any show worth its storage in the DVR has a killer Halloween episode, but these are my favorites.
Reba
Best Li'l Haunted House in Texas. The whole premise is that it is hard for Reba to scare her family since they are grown up. And she goes around telling everyone they've been "Reba'd!" Of course, Reba could do anything at it would be adorable, but I love this episode.
Even Stevens
The main thing I remember about this episode is that Louis is a penguin jockey and I thought that his costume actually walked for him. Needless to say I thought that was the coolest thing ever wanted one, not for Halloween but for my everyday use to put an end to my pedestrian status forever. I have since learned that Louis's legs were actually the penguin's legs and he was walking like normal. However I have not forgiven my little brother for crushing my dreams of being a penguin jockey someday.
Pretty Little Liars
If you aren't obsessed with Pretty Little Liars like you should be, you're groaning right now but this could not go unsaid. The PLL Halloween special is essential in keeping PLL fans alive from the August finale to the new season premier in January. So basically, we couldn't live without Halloween.
Friends
Let me begin by saying that this episode made it on the list in spite of, not because of, Chandler's bunny costume. I have a strong aversion to slash fear of people dressed as animals that was inspired by a man dressed as a bunny, but Joey dressed as Chandler and Ross as the wannabe punny Spudnik, make up for Chandler the bunny.
Modern Family
I think the single best thing about this episode is that Claire tells Alex she should spend more time on her Halloween costume and less time on her homework. Parenting, for the win! Also, Gloria tries speaking in an English accent.
Costumes
I still remember most of my costumes growing up. There was the red crayon, a classic. The turtle costume that fire ants got into, good times. And of course the Anastasia costume, my prized possession. If I had a dollar for every time I tried to wear that thing to school, well I would have one dollar because my mother told me to never deviate from my pre-planned outfit choices again.
Third Wheel
This. Is. Genius. You just take a wheel of any old bike, it doesn't even have to be your bike, and with some adhesive, stick it to yourself. Then you photobomb couple pics all night. Genius.
Your Next Girlfriend
This is what I am going to say to any hot guy who asks what I am being this year. And by that I mean I am painfully shy and will probably just blush and say nothing, but still, it's a nice thought.
Babies in Actual Pumpkins
This isn't so much a costume as it is probable child abuse, but do yourself a favor and google image search babies in pumpkins. It's precious.
Wrecking Balls
This will likely lose significance after Halloween 2k13, but every costume I have seen of people and pets dressed as wrecking balls with Miley on top is sick. I don't mean wicked cool I mean it's actually disgusting, but a funny costume.
The Sun Drop Girl
A classic. Bonus points if you actually look like her. More bonus points if you do the dance. And even more bonus points if you hand people Sun Drops all night.
Candy
Such an important part of Halloween, it's always important to have one day for trick or treating and another day for general rabble-rousing. And practice your looks of disdain for houses who give out DOTS. I swear no one in the world likes DOTS.
Candy Corn M&Ms
I don't like candy corn. I actually hate it. But I was recently introduced to candy corn M&Ms by a friend, and they didn't make me want to vomit the half pound of candy I already ate that day, and that day wasn't even Halloween.
Twizzlers
I recognize that most people do not like Twizzlers, which is precisely what makes them one of my favorites. My brothers will just give these to me, I don't even have to trade them any of the good stuff. I pretty much have Halloween Twizzlers in my candy drawer year round because I'm convinced that like cockroaches, they could survive a nuclear holocaust.
Reese's Pumpkins
Every holiday Reese's is of course one of my favorite candies. A lot of people say the pumpkins are their favorite because of the peanut butter to chocolate ratio. I've never understood those people. Reese's Christmas Trees will be my favorite until they start making Reese's flags.
Caramel Apple Pops
Honestly, I haven't been able to enjoy these since my OD of 2009 (thanks Food Lion MVP special), but I recognize that they deserve a spot on this list. I would be lying if I didn't admit to throwing away the sucker as soon as all the caramel is gone. But still, a must.
Mini M&Ms
I know M&Ms are already on the list, but the minis are just so much better. And mini M&Ms always seem to pop up around Halloween. You can get them any time of year, but they're just not as good as they are on Halloween.
Songs
Based on my very own Halloween playlist. Please note that I am forcing my friends to start getting ready tonight so that we can listen to my playlist in its entirety.
Wicked Little Girls, Esthero
Such a classic to apparently only me because my roommates always go "huh" when I play this but you really need to know this song. It will help you tap into your inner femme fatale as you're getting ready. Side Note-if you aren't being anything sexy for Halloween, maybe skip this song.
Touch-A Touch-A Touch Me, Glee Cast
Of course Rocky Horror and of course Glee. This song is inappropriate for anyone under the age of 13 and any of my little cousins or siblings no matter how old you are!
Thriller, Michael Jackson
Because how could you not? It's Thriller, it's MJ, it's great. Extra points to anyone who loves the Glee Thriller/Heads Will Roll mash up as much as I do.
Don't Wake Me Up, Chris Brown
To be honest this is more of my theme song for November 1st when I inevitably have to wake up from the post-Halloween revelry hibernation that lasted all of 2 hours and drag my butt to class looking like a before picture.
Blow, Ke$ha
Fun fact, Halloween is referred to as Glitter Day in some parts of the world. I made that up, but does that make it any less true? As the prime minister of all things sparkle, Ke$ha is an absolute must for any Halloween playlist. I chose Blow because I feel like it completely captures the atmosphere of all the parties I crash Halloween night.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
If 90s Disney Existed...Along with 90s Niceklodeon and 90s Cartoon Network
Like everyone else lucky enough to be born in the 90s (and by lucky I mean blessed beyond belief, and by 90s I do not mean 1999, capice?) I often find myself missing the Disney shows of yore. I miss getting home from school and watching hours of television before my parents turned it to the 6:00 news, or as I like to call it, Kill Me Now. I miss watching a marathon of my favorite shows while my Dad pretends to be paying bills, but every now and then he chuckles because he still has the same sense of humor as a 13 year old girl apparently.
I think my suffering has gone on long enough. I have decided that Disney has left me with no other choice but to provide them with a line up of the shows they are going to need when they ultimately create 90s Disney, the best television channel known to mouseketeer kind. This channel will feature all of my favorite shows from the 2000s, shows that us 90s kids grew up watching.
But then I thought...why stop at Disney? Why not have all of the networks responsible for my childhood obesity start throwback channels? Hence...
90s Disney
Lizzie McGuire
My ultimate favorite, hearing the theme song brings tears to my eyes. Before she was Hillary Duff she was Lizzie, a clueless, clumsy, unpopular middle schooler existing at a time when people called it "junior high" to make it sound more glamorous.
That's So Raven
It's the future I can see (we all do it, just finish the theme song in your head and keep reading). A classic girl-boy-girl friend group, an annoying little brother, and clueless parents. The same plot line as virtually every other show from the 2000s, but it never gets old.
Even Stevens
Face it, you have a crush on Donnie. And Ren is your role model (or maybe just mine). And we all have a Beans. And let's not forget the movie, also known as my favorite part of summer 2003.
Kim Possible
Because you can never get enough Christy Carlson Romano, and Kim was the original BA. I'm convinced she was the inspiration for Katniss Everdeen and Tris Prior. A killer ringtone, naked mole rat, and cargo capris. This show makes nachos look delicious to the lactose intolerant.
Hannah Montana
Make fun all you want, this was a good show and I know that somewhere underneath that 20 year old twerkin out for help, there is a Hannah. I miss this show so much, I cried during the last episode, the movie, and every time I hear "Wherever I Go". She had it all but instead of envying her you loved her, perhaps because you know her father used to have a mullet and that is more achey breaky heartache than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.
Recess
Where to begin? Recess was the show to end all shows. It really captured the alternate universe that is recess. There were so many subplots going on, my personal favorite was The Ashleys, who I'm convinced were the inspiration for The Plastics.
90s Nickelodeon
Rugrats
I am still amazed that I watched a show about babies for as long as I did. But at the same time, I would watch it again in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. To this day I name every lizard I encounter Reptar, and I don't think that's wrong.
Rocket Power
Such a rad show. Just 4 best friends, livin it up, skatin around, hangin 10, bein groovy, and a lot of other cliche skater slang used in this show.
The Wild Thornberrys
Let me just say that if this show was on Netflix, I would have to get back together with my ex just so I could use his Netflix account again. This show made me thankful I didn't have an older sister but also really bummed that my family didn't travel the world in a glorified RV. Eliza made me want to talk to animals too, and I don't even like animals. That is one powerful little ginger.
As Told By Ginger
Another ginger, who is actually named Ginger. I for one loved this show, but most of my friends have never heard of it. It's a lot like Awkward. (another show I LOVE). Ginger has 2 best girl friends, the gossip queen Dodie and Macie, and Asian with green hair. The interesting thing about this show is that Ginger is also friends with the popular Courtney. Like real friends.
The Angry Beavers
I'm really not sure why I loved this show so much but I'm pretty sure it had a lot to do with the fact that the main characters are named Dagget and Norbert. And of course the fabulous voice of Nick Bakay (aka Salem the cat).
Hey Arnold!
The obvious choice, everyone loves Hey Arnold! Life has thrown this poor kid some lemons (such as a football-shaped head) but it also threw him a pet pig named Abner. Let's face it, we've all been the Helga at some point, right? No? Just me then.
90s Cartoon Network
Totally Spies
Best. Show. Ever. I loved this show and I still don't understand why I can't have lipstick that is also a laser and other cool gadgets. The only flaw of this show is that it was produced by a French company.
Dexter's Laboratory
Not gonna lie, the main thing I remember about this show is the weird sound effect of Dee Dee looking over Dexter's shoulder. Dexter's weird accent that is for no apparent reason is also a nice touch. Need I remind you that he has a pet monkey who is also a secret superhero? (Perry the Platypus totally stole his thunder.)
Courage the Cowardly Dog
This show was actually terrifying. The banana people are the worst for me, but all of it is bad. I couldn't watch this show again but I know that not everyone is as freaked out by dogs who have holes in their teeth as I am. But overall, that is one messed up dog. I would never let my little brother watch this show, and he's 16 years old.
The Flintstones
I liked this show in spite of those awful vitamins that everyone else seemed to love. Those guys were disgusting, I don't care what y'all say. My favorite thing about this show is the relationship between Wilma and Betty, and I hope that one day I can have a best friend to wear tattered dresses with.
Tom and Jerry
Who doesn't love Tom and Jerry? Communists, that's who. I'm fairly certain that part of the U.S. citizenship exam is naming your favorite Tom and Jerry episode. Whether your favorite is Tom (wrong choice) or Jerry (there you go), you could probably watch this show for hours and not get bored, much like how Tom could try to kill Jerry for hours and not give up. Well played, MGM, well played.
The Snorks
They're like smurfs that live underwater. Need I say more? I used to watch this show every morning before school while I organized my Froot Loops by color (OCD starts early). They come in all different colors and use clams as currency. I'm sold.
I think my suffering has gone on long enough. I have decided that Disney has left me with no other choice but to provide them with a line up of the shows they are going to need when they ultimately create 90s Disney, the best television channel known to mouseketeer kind. This channel will feature all of my favorite shows from the 2000s, shows that us 90s kids grew up watching.
But then I thought...why stop at Disney? Why not have all of the networks responsible for my childhood obesity start throwback channels? Hence...
90s Disney
Lizzie McGuire
My ultimate favorite, hearing the theme song brings tears to my eyes. Before she was Hillary Duff she was Lizzie, a clueless, clumsy, unpopular middle schooler existing at a time when people called it "junior high" to make it sound more glamorous.
That's So Raven
It's the future I can see (we all do it, just finish the theme song in your head and keep reading). A classic girl-boy-girl friend group, an annoying little brother, and clueless parents. The same plot line as virtually every other show from the 2000s, but it never gets old.
Even Stevens
Face it, you have a crush on Donnie. And Ren is your role model (or maybe just mine). And we all have a Beans. And let's not forget the movie, also known as my favorite part of summer 2003.
Kim Possible
Because you can never get enough Christy Carlson Romano, and Kim was the original BA. I'm convinced she was the inspiration for Katniss Everdeen and Tris Prior. A killer ringtone, naked mole rat, and cargo capris. This show makes nachos look delicious to the lactose intolerant.
Hannah Montana
Make fun all you want, this was a good show and I know that somewhere underneath that 20 year old twerkin out for help, there is a Hannah. I miss this show so much, I cried during the last episode, the movie, and every time I hear "Wherever I Go". She had it all but instead of envying her you loved her, perhaps because you know her father used to have a mullet and that is more achey breaky heartache than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.
Recess
Where to begin? Recess was the show to end all shows. It really captured the alternate universe that is recess. There were so many subplots going on, my personal favorite was The Ashleys, who I'm convinced were the inspiration for The Plastics.
90s Nickelodeon
Rugrats
I am still amazed that I watched a show about babies for as long as I did. But at the same time, I would watch it again in a heartbeat if given the opportunity. To this day I name every lizard I encounter Reptar, and I don't think that's wrong.
Rocket Power
Such a rad show. Just 4 best friends, livin it up, skatin around, hangin 10, bein groovy, and a lot of other cliche skater slang used in this show.
The Wild Thornberrys
Let me just say that if this show was on Netflix, I would have to get back together with my ex just so I could use his Netflix account again. This show made me thankful I didn't have an older sister but also really bummed that my family didn't travel the world in a glorified RV. Eliza made me want to talk to animals too, and I don't even like animals. That is one powerful little ginger.
As Told By Ginger
Another ginger, who is actually named Ginger. I for one loved this show, but most of my friends have never heard of it. It's a lot like Awkward. (another show I LOVE). Ginger has 2 best girl friends, the gossip queen Dodie and Macie, and Asian with green hair. The interesting thing about this show is that Ginger is also friends with the popular Courtney. Like real friends.
The Angry Beavers
I'm really not sure why I loved this show so much but I'm pretty sure it had a lot to do with the fact that the main characters are named Dagget and Norbert. And of course the fabulous voice of Nick Bakay (aka Salem the cat).
Hey Arnold!
The obvious choice, everyone loves Hey Arnold! Life has thrown this poor kid some lemons (such as a football-shaped head) but it also threw him a pet pig named Abner. Let's face it, we've all been the Helga at some point, right? No? Just me then.
90s Cartoon Network
Totally Spies
Best. Show. Ever. I loved this show and I still don't understand why I can't have lipstick that is also a laser and other cool gadgets. The only flaw of this show is that it was produced by a French company.
Dexter's Laboratory
Not gonna lie, the main thing I remember about this show is the weird sound effect of Dee Dee looking over Dexter's shoulder. Dexter's weird accent that is for no apparent reason is also a nice touch. Need I remind you that he has a pet monkey who is also a secret superhero? (Perry the Platypus totally stole his thunder.)
Courage the Cowardly Dog
This show was actually terrifying. The banana people are the worst for me, but all of it is bad. I couldn't watch this show again but I know that not everyone is as freaked out by dogs who have holes in their teeth as I am. But overall, that is one messed up dog. I would never let my little brother watch this show, and he's 16 years old.
The Flintstones
I liked this show in spite of those awful vitamins that everyone else seemed to love. Those guys were disgusting, I don't care what y'all say. My favorite thing about this show is the relationship between Wilma and Betty, and I hope that one day I can have a best friend to wear tattered dresses with.
Tom and Jerry
Who doesn't love Tom and Jerry? Communists, that's who. I'm fairly certain that part of the U.S. citizenship exam is naming your favorite Tom and Jerry episode. Whether your favorite is Tom (wrong choice) or Jerry (there you go), you could probably watch this show for hours and not get bored, much like how Tom could try to kill Jerry for hours and not give up. Well played, MGM, well played.
The Snorks
They're like smurfs that live underwater. Need I say more? I used to watch this show every morning before school while I organized my Froot Loops by color (OCD starts early). They come in all different colors and use clams as currency. I'm sold.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
To My Future Children
For girls in middle school, 3 things are certain. Ugliness, awkwardness, and fighting with your mother. I told my mother that I thought 13 was a bad age for me and she said 13 wasn't as bad as 17. I was 17 at the time. Ouch.
Anyways, although we have had our rough patches, like when she gave away my EasyBake Oven, got my cousin the only toy I wanted for Christmas, and forgot my birthday, my Mom is awesome. She started a journal to me before I was born and updated it every few months. Which inspired me to do the same for my children. But I figure, why wait until I know for certain that I'm not going to die alone with only cats and or a collection of rare reptiles that will inevitably end up eating most of my body before I'm discovered? That could take decades! So I'm starting today.
Future Children-
First of all, let me just say that I am hoping there are 6 of you. If there are less than 4 of you then I have succeeded in my dream of starting my own non-profit. So yay me, but I am also not making any money. Good thing I made this an electronic letter or we would probably be burning it for warmth. If there are more than 6 of you then I have succeeded in my other dream of marrying rich and I am likely lounging in the veranda with a sparkling white grape juice cocktail or buying my body weight in accessories as the nanny reads this to you.
There are several issues you may have with me. First of all, you all have Hebrew names. You're welcome. You may have inherited my mediocre looks, knack for self-deprecating humor, and lackluster body. I apologize for that. But I'm sure you all have dashing personalities. If any of you have my widow's peak, again I'm sorry. I want you to begin your adolescence knowing you need to buy sunglasses with large round frames to balance out your heart-shaped face, a lesson I learned the hard way.
I am really hoping I have grown out of saying "your mom" after literally everything by now. I don't count on it, but it would be nice. You guys may be upset at me for forcing you to watch many of the greatest shows of my time, which your stupid generation would call outdated. Let me just tell you that everything I needed to know in life, I learned from Friends. You might say "Mom you're so lame we wanna watch Miley: Twerkin for Love and Dancing with People Who Were on TV Once. I hate Big Bang Theory, could anyone be less cool than Sheldon Cooper?" And to that, I say "your mom!"
I needed some help in finishing this letter, so I turned to the source of ultimate wisdom. The internet. According to Yahoo Answers, an official sponsor of my college career, there are 8 words I should include in this letter. Love, notice, enjoy, proud, cherish, hope, believe, and promise. So here goes.
You should all know that I love kit kats, so don't think I don't notice when y'all take mine. I really enjoy how you all stop talking when I enter the room, I'm sure it's a sign of respect. I am proud that you know all of the words to Baby Got Back. While I will always cherish my life before wearing pants in public, I wouldn't trade you all for a million pesos. Two million and we'll talk. I hope you appreciate the musical genius that is Phil Collins, because I believe he is the Chuck Norris of percussion. I can't promise that I will be less weird in the future, so don't get your hopes up.
All my love and what was left of my sanity,
Mom
Anyways, although we have had our rough patches, like when she gave away my EasyBake Oven, got my cousin the only toy I wanted for Christmas, and forgot my birthday, my Mom is awesome. She started a journal to me before I was born and updated it every few months. Which inspired me to do the same for my children. But I figure, why wait until I know for certain that I'm not going to die alone with only cats and or a collection of rare reptiles that will inevitably end up eating most of my body before I'm discovered? That could take decades! So I'm starting today.
Future Children-
First of all, let me just say that I am hoping there are 6 of you. If there are less than 4 of you then I have succeeded in my dream of starting my own non-profit. So yay me, but I am also not making any money. Good thing I made this an electronic letter or we would probably be burning it for warmth. If there are more than 6 of you then I have succeeded in my other dream of marrying rich and I am likely lounging in the veranda with a sparkling white grape juice cocktail or buying my body weight in accessories as the nanny reads this to you.
There are several issues you may have with me. First of all, you all have Hebrew names. You're welcome. You may have inherited my mediocre looks, knack for self-deprecating humor, and lackluster body. I apologize for that. But I'm sure you all have dashing personalities. If any of you have my widow's peak, again I'm sorry. I want you to begin your adolescence knowing you need to buy sunglasses with large round frames to balance out your heart-shaped face, a lesson I learned the hard way.
I am really hoping I have grown out of saying "your mom" after literally everything by now. I don't count on it, but it would be nice. You guys may be upset at me for forcing you to watch many of the greatest shows of my time, which your stupid generation would call outdated. Let me just tell you that everything I needed to know in life, I learned from Friends. You might say "Mom you're so lame we wanna watch Miley: Twerkin for Love and Dancing with People Who Were on TV Once. I hate Big Bang Theory, could anyone be less cool than Sheldon Cooper?" And to that, I say "your mom!"
I needed some help in finishing this letter, so I turned to the source of ultimate wisdom. The internet. According to Yahoo Answers, an official sponsor of my college career, there are 8 words I should include in this letter. Love, notice, enjoy, proud, cherish, hope, believe, and promise. So here goes.
You should all know that I love kit kats, so don't think I don't notice when y'all take mine. I really enjoy how you all stop talking when I enter the room, I'm sure it's a sign of respect. I am proud that you know all of the words to Baby Got Back. While I will always cherish my life before wearing pants in public, I wouldn't trade you all for a million pesos. Two million and we'll talk. I hope you appreciate the musical genius that is Phil Collins, because I believe he is the Chuck Norris of percussion. I can't promise that I will be less weird in the future, so don't get your hopes up.
All my love and what was left of my sanity,
Mom
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Obligatory Fall Post
This is White Girl Wednesday, and now that it's October and undeniably fall, I had to do a fall post. White girls love fall, and I for one do not know why. They always tweet about yoga pants, scarves, hot chocolate and other things that I generally associate with winter. As far as I'm concerned, pants should be worn as little as possible, which is why I have deemed November through February to be pants season. All other months are shorts-friendly. So in my little world (and I don't mean little in a demeaning way, I mean we're very exclusive), fall is only the month of October. September is still summer and November is winter. Please not that this has a lot to do with the fact that I live in North Carolina and therefore our Septembers are still ridiculously hot and by November I'm just so pumped for Christmas that I decide it's officially winter.
That being said, I'm not really a fall person. Now there are plenty of traditional white girl things that I dislike. Sororities, fraternities, Starbucks, Jack Rogers, Lilly Pulitzer, Michael Kors, and Twilight to name a few. But I think that not loving fall is the biggest offense against my fellow white girls. There are some things I love about fall. There are some things I really don't like about fall. At the risk of having my government-issued white girl card revoked, I am going to share those today.
Love...bugs dying. Hate...leaves.
I am highly allergic to insect bites, grass, seasons, just nature in general. I have an entire fire ant kit that I keep with me because if there is a fire ant mound within a mile radius of me, I will find it. It's a hidden talent of mine. So one thing I look forward to as the weather changes is the imminent death of the beasts that have plagued me in particular since early March. I swear there is a mafia of baby mosquitoes outside my house that have it out for me. Some fall nights I go to sleep with a smile on my face just knowing that those pests are slowly freezing to death. About this same time, leaves start to fall. And leaves are cool I guess, but white girls totally flip out over them. Leaves kind of annoy me because they make my steps so loud that I can't follow my crush around campus in a nondescript way. I can't tell what's worse, all the Instagram posts of leaves and trees or all the tweets that are nothing but emoji leaves and trees. Let's just call it a tie.
Love...Hocus Pocus. Hate...all other Halloween movies.
I think we can all agree that Hocus Pocus is one of the best movies ever made and Sarah Jessica Parker has never looked better. But...ABC Family starts pumping everyone up at the beginning of September for 13 Days of Halloween (which will NEVER be 25 Days of Christmas, no matter how hard Tim Burton and Beetlejuice both try), but the sad reality is that the other Halloween movies just aren't that great. I know what you're thinking, The Little Vampire is totally awesome, and you're right. But The Little Vampire can be watched year round, it's epicness cannot be confined to a season. But come on, Halloweentown? It's a no from me (Simon Cowell voice).
Love...Mean Girls Day. Hate..."Computer Learning Month".
October the Third is obviously one of my favorite holidays, it's one of those white girl trappings you just can't avoid. I'm actually working on a petition to make every October third that happens to fall on a Wednesday the official White Girl Wednesday holiday, celebrated by everyone wearing pink which is perfect because it's breast cancer awareness month. Yes I have too much free time and yes, I'll keep you posted. But that brings me to my next point. What you probably don't know is that October is Computer Learning Month. I am not okay with that on so many levels. First of all, who dares steal breast cancer awareness's thunder? Shame on you! And last of all, techies are always talking about how computers are so smart and they can do this and they can replace me and blah blah blah. Why don't computers take a month to learn how to work with humans? How about that? Cause I can't even figure out how to send an email since Microsoft Office updated and I refuse to believe that is my fault.
Love...pumpkin muffins. Hate...pumpkin everything else.
As a white girl I am expected to be obsessed with pumpkin-flavored everything, especially the pumpkin spice latte. But I don't drink coffee, so every fall I break two white girl cliches with one caffeine aversion. I do however, appreciate a moderate pumpkin flavor, such as in my pumpkin muffins, which are delicious. But I do not deck the halls with pumpkin candles every October, I do not eat pumpkin pie and I do not try to insert pumpkin flavor into perfectly innocent recipes.
Love...football. Hate...not basketball.
I love football just as much as the next white girl. And by "the next white girl" I obviously mean all those girls who tweet stupid stuff like "Yay Tom Brady is so cute, go Cowboys!" to make it seem like they actually watch football. I love spending a Sunday watching football with my family, but I have no desire to watch football 24/7 and I refuse to pretend that I do. My favorite part about football season is that it means my Dad will finally stop watching baseball for a little while and basketball season is on the way. Once basketball is back on TV, football turns back into a pumpkin (fall pun completely intended).
Love...scarves. Hate...infinity scarves.
Like I said earlier, scarves are great. In the winter, when it's cold. If you live in Canada, you can wear scarves all year round, but here in America it is not normally cold enough to wear a scarf on October 1st just because all the white girls got together and decided that day marks the official start of fall instead of the fall equinox, as decided centuries ago. Scarves are for warmth people, if I can see your elbows and/or knees, you don't need to be wearing a scarf. Which brings me to infinity scarves. Infinity scarves are completely ingenuous when used correctly. If no part of the scarf is actually touching the front of your neck, I want to punch you there just to remind you what that scarf is supposed to be doing.
That being said, I'm not really a fall person. Now there are plenty of traditional white girl things that I dislike. Sororities, fraternities, Starbucks, Jack Rogers, Lilly Pulitzer, Michael Kors, and Twilight to name a few. But I think that not loving fall is the biggest offense against my fellow white girls. There are some things I love about fall. There are some things I really don't like about fall. At the risk of having my government-issued white girl card revoked, I am going to share those today.
Love...bugs dying. Hate...leaves.
I am highly allergic to insect bites, grass, seasons, just nature in general. I have an entire fire ant kit that I keep with me because if there is a fire ant mound within a mile radius of me, I will find it. It's a hidden talent of mine. So one thing I look forward to as the weather changes is the imminent death of the beasts that have plagued me in particular since early March. I swear there is a mafia of baby mosquitoes outside my house that have it out for me. Some fall nights I go to sleep with a smile on my face just knowing that those pests are slowly freezing to death. About this same time, leaves start to fall. And leaves are cool I guess, but white girls totally flip out over them. Leaves kind of annoy me because they make my steps so loud that I can't follow my crush around campus in a nondescript way. I can't tell what's worse, all the Instagram posts of leaves and trees or all the tweets that are nothing but emoji leaves and trees. Let's just call it a tie.
Love...Hocus Pocus. Hate...all other Halloween movies.
I think we can all agree that Hocus Pocus is one of the best movies ever made and Sarah Jessica Parker has never looked better. But...ABC Family starts pumping everyone up at the beginning of September for 13 Days of Halloween (which will NEVER be 25 Days of Christmas, no matter how hard Tim Burton and Beetlejuice both try), but the sad reality is that the other Halloween movies just aren't that great. I know what you're thinking, The Little Vampire is totally awesome, and you're right. But The Little Vampire can be watched year round, it's epicness cannot be confined to a season. But come on, Halloweentown? It's a no from me (Simon Cowell voice).
Love...Mean Girls Day. Hate..."Computer Learning Month".
October the Third is obviously one of my favorite holidays, it's one of those white girl trappings you just can't avoid. I'm actually working on a petition to make every October third that happens to fall on a Wednesday the official White Girl Wednesday holiday, celebrated by everyone wearing pink which is perfect because it's breast cancer awareness month. Yes I have too much free time and yes, I'll keep you posted. But that brings me to my next point. What you probably don't know is that October is Computer Learning Month. I am not okay with that on so many levels. First of all, who dares steal breast cancer awareness's thunder? Shame on you! And last of all, techies are always talking about how computers are so smart and they can do this and they can replace me and blah blah blah. Why don't computers take a month to learn how to work with humans? How about that? Cause I can't even figure out how to send an email since Microsoft Office updated and I refuse to believe that is my fault.
Love...pumpkin muffins. Hate...pumpkin everything else.
As a white girl I am expected to be obsessed with pumpkin-flavored everything, especially the pumpkin spice latte. But I don't drink coffee, so every fall I break two white girl cliches with one caffeine aversion. I do however, appreciate a moderate pumpkin flavor, such as in my pumpkin muffins, which are delicious. But I do not deck the halls with pumpkin candles every October, I do not eat pumpkin pie and I do not try to insert pumpkin flavor into perfectly innocent recipes.
Love...football. Hate...not basketball.
I love football just as much as the next white girl. And by "the next white girl" I obviously mean all those girls who tweet stupid stuff like "Yay Tom Brady is so cute, go Cowboys!" to make it seem like they actually watch football. I love spending a Sunday watching football with my family, but I have no desire to watch football 24/7 and I refuse to pretend that I do. My favorite part about football season is that it means my Dad will finally stop watching baseball for a little while and basketball season is on the way. Once basketball is back on TV, football turns back into a pumpkin (fall pun completely intended).
Love...scarves. Hate...infinity scarves.
Like I said earlier, scarves are great. In the winter, when it's cold. If you live in Canada, you can wear scarves all year round, but here in America it is not normally cold enough to wear a scarf on October 1st just because all the white girls got together and decided that day marks the official start of fall instead of the fall equinox, as decided centuries ago. Scarves are for warmth people, if I can see your elbows and/or knees, you don't need to be wearing a scarf. Which brings me to infinity scarves. Infinity scarves are completely ingenuous when used correctly. If no part of the scarf is actually touching the front of your neck, I want to punch you there just to remind you what that scarf is supposed to be doing.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Real Pets of Chapel Hill
Let me tell y'all something...I'm not an animal person. I get that this makes me weird, heartless, cruel, a jerk, whatever. I don't care. Whenever someone asks me what my favorite animal is I just say children. I do of course love otters as much as the next person because let's face it, otters=friendship=love. Those little guys hold hands when they fall asleep so they don't drift apart and lose each other, and if that's not precious then I don't know what is.
Anyways, I am currently living in a house with 3 pets, and 3 roommates. It's not as bad as I thought it would be either. I mean the roommates, the pets are actually awful. I'm jkin of course (because the verb just kidding can now be abbreviated). The pets are okay, but the best part about them is that they all have their own distinct and hilarious personalities. Frederick is by far the smartest and the dogs are in a tie for dumbest.
As much as I believe that I deserve my on reality show (a cross between Glee and Lizzie McGuire), my pets could actually have their own show. Between dealing with their 4 mothers and each other, these guys could easily have a weekly show about their shenanigans. So consider this week's post a preview of the pitch I will be making to E! Network shortly.
PS-I took the liberty of editing the profanity out of Frederick's thoughts. He's about that sass life.
Frederick the Turtle
"Day 47. Still planning my escape."
"Day 43. I have finally been placed in a new containment facility. Bigger. His majesty is pleased."
"Day 36. The dogs get to roam wherever they please. I am trapped. I hate these women."
"Day 33. No one asked me if I wanted a puppy."
"Day 29. Why does the fat one keep talking to me like I'm an infant. I am a 50 year old reptile."
"Day 23. The blonde one thinks we're friends. Ugh."
"Day 22. Still looking to escape. There's a crack in my container that I have high hopes for."
"Day 15. My escape plan is taking longer than I had hoped. Rats."
"Day 10. Various attempts to end my life have all failed."
"Day 8. They surely know they have to feed me and change my water...right?"
Gauge the Black Lab Puppy
"Hey Marge. Aren't you so glad we're best friends?"
"It's so nice of my moms to buy such a big couch for me to poop under."
"Marge! Wanna play with me yet? No? How about now? Still no? Now?"
"Look Marge, we're going on a walk together. A best friend walk."
"Marge is sitting down. She must want to play."
"Hey Marge I got your rope so we can play with it together."
"Have to pee, have to p...just peed."
"Everybody's gonna love today, love today, love today."
"What rhymes with feed me? Hey hey hey."
"Marge is sleeping. She wants to play!"
Marge the Boxer
"I hate that stupid puppy."
"Gauge this, Gauge that. I'm cute too!"
"My underbite is looking dapper as always."
"Seriously why is the puppy still here?"
"Puppy stahp this is mine. And that. That's mine too."
"Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?"
"Someone get the puppy off my face please. Someone? Help."
"If I keep trying I will eventually be able to fit under this table."
"Mom let me sit on you. Not beside you, not near you. On you."
"This is my couch. Like seriously, get off."
And a special shout out to my friend Josh for taking my advice...there's a first for everything.
Anyways, I am currently living in a house with 3 pets, and 3 roommates. It's not as bad as I thought it would be either. I mean the roommates, the pets are actually awful. I'm jkin of course (because the verb just kidding can now be abbreviated). The pets are okay, but the best part about them is that they all have their own distinct and hilarious personalities. Frederick is by far the smartest and the dogs are in a tie for dumbest.
As much as I believe that I deserve my on reality show (a cross between Glee and Lizzie McGuire), my pets could actually have their own show. Between dealing with their 4 mothers and each other, these guys could easily have a weekly show about their shenanigans. So consider this week's post a preview of the pitch I will be making to E! Network shortly.
PS-I took the liberty of editing the profanity out of Frederick's thoughts. He's about that sass life.
Frederick the Turtle
"Day 47. Still planning my escape."
"Day 43. I have finally been placed in a new containment facility. Bigger. His majesty is pleased."
"Day 36. The dogs get to roam wherever they please. I am trapped. I hate these women."
"Day 33. No one asked me if I wanted a puppy."
"Day 29. Why does the fat one keep talking to me like I'm an infant. I am a 50 year old reptile."
"Day 23. The blonde one thinks we're friends. Ugh."
"Day 22. Still looking to escape. There's a crack in my container that I have high hopes for."
"Day 15. My escape plan is taking longer than I had hoped. Rats."
"Day 10. Various attempts to end my life have all failed."
"Day 8. They surely know they have to feed me and change my water...right?"
Gauge the Black Lab Puppy
"Hey Marge. Aren't you so glad we're best friends?"
"It's so nice of my moms to buy such a big couch for me to poop under."
"Marge! Wanna play with me yet? No? How about now? Still no? Now?"
"Look Marge, we're going on a walk together. A best friend walk."
"Marge is sitting down. She must want to play."
"Hey Marge I got your rope so we can play with it together."
"Have to pee, have to p...just peed."
"Everybody's gonna love today, love today, love today."
"What rhymes with feed me? Hey hey hey."
"Marge is sleeping. She wants to play!"
Marge the Boxer
"I hate that stupid puppy."
"Gauge this, Gauge that. I'm cute too!"
"My underbite is looking dapper as always."
"Seriously why is the puppy still here?"
"Puppy stahp this is mine. And that. That's mine too."
"Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?"
"Someone get the puppy off my face please. Someone? Help."
"If I keep trying I will eventually be able to fit under this table."
"Mom let me sit on you. Not beside you, not near you. On you."
"This is my couch. Like seriously, get off."
And a special shout out to my friend Josh for taking my advice...there's a first for everything.
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