Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Daniel School of Grammar

I like to be humble but let's just cut the crap and jump straight to the point, I'm mad decent at grammar. I mean commas, apostrophes, Proper Nouns, I've got it all. I know how to spell words that aren't accomodations and I almost always use the right there. So naturally my brother seeks out my help when he writes papers.

I don't mind helping a brother out. I mean who doesn't want to read 80 pages on practical protestant theology? I suppose this is how my family felt when I spent 2 years studying The Blind Owl and surrealism in Iranian literature. Shockingly not the crowdpleaser that you think it would be.

My issue is this. My brother is HORRIBLE at comma use. I love him. He has redeeming qualities for sure. None that I can think of off the top of my head but they're there. Somewhere. And every time he asks me to edit a paper I know I will be suggesting he delete approximately a thousand commas and that gets real, old, real, fast. So I got creative this time.

First I saved the edited version on my desktop...

...and then I saved my individual edits.

He's not perfect.

And there were several issues beyond the commas.


He's honestly lucky that I was able to give such constructive criticism.


At first I was pretty lenient.


Though I did get more frustrated as the paper went on.


I really tried to teach him how to fish and not just hand him a fish, ya know?


But at a certain point I had to call upon the name of the Lord.


Maybe Patrick would listen to Him?


Perhaps I needed to lay hands on him?


At times I felt nothing would work.


I tried appealing poetically,


logically,


and my personal favorite, dramatically.


But threats didn't work.


In fact, some of my comments may have strengthened his resolve.


Eventually I was just downright curious.


And don't get me wrong, this paper did have its bright spots.


But they were outnumbered by the errors so...


I had to lay down some hard truths.

And a few more threats for good measure.


He did get an A so I think the familial abuse and now cyberbullying were worth it.

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

God's Chicken

Like many of my fellow southerners, from time to time I find myself in the Chick-fil-A drive thru with no recollection of how I got there. But God never gives us more than we can handle. That's what I tell my mom when she judges me for wanting to order a 12 piece nugget combo.

I am pretty religious. And I don't mean that I am both pretty AND religious. I mean that I am above average when it comes to religious convictions and not much else. See exhibit A.


Last week I went to Chick-fil-A to celebrate the birth of my roommate. Her sister came over and after a round of Target we headed to Chick-fil-A to try their new mac & cheese. And get nugz to drown in honey and Polynesian and honey roasted barbecue sauce like God intended.

Now the Chick-fil-A I frequent, my home Chick-fil-A if you will, is almost always insanely busy. I had quite the wait before I could even get into the drive thru lane. So we're chilling in the parking lot, listening to a podcast and praying that none of the cars we're blocking in needs to leave soon, as one does. When I'm finally next to enter the drive thru, another car comes in from the opposite direction. God was clearly testing me.

Allow me to explain my anger. The 1st issue is that I have been waiting longer than this car. I have already been waiting for a good 3-5 minutes. This car is literally still in motion because they haven't been stopped waiting in line like me. Since they just got there I don't expect them to know how long I have been there. So I POLITELY honk to let them know. I would want someone to do it for me. If I am about to do something massively rude, please, by all means call me out.

My 2nd issue is that I was actively waiting in the Chick-fil-A parking lot. This dude chose to enter Chick-fil-A via the bank parking lot. Is that even legal? I doubt it. Banks are freakishly selfish with their parking lots. They never want you to park there but they're really only open like 6 hours a week. If I need a parking spot on a Sunday afternoon...what's the harm?

Of course he pulls into the drive thru in front of me because why would good things happen to me? I'm in despair. And by despair I mean deep unbridled rage. Emily and Liz start making suggestions for how we can get back at this guy. Emily suggests the classic drive thru assault, honk every time he tries to order. Unfortunately I am not the type of person who could actually do that and they have employees with headsets walking around taking orders so that would be extra awkward.

The suggestions range from mild (asking the workers to not give him any sauces) to mental (calling his school) and I settle for taking a picture of his license plate (for why?) and glaring as he gets his order taken. Then the Chick-fil-A employee (I think we should call them Chick-fil-Angels) came to take our orders.

I hung my head in defeat. I had been bested. I got got. But God wasn't done with me yet. My Chick-fil-A recently got drive thru rejuvenation surgery so now they have a whole double barrel system going. The passhole ended up taking the lane on the left while I headed right. And would you believe that my lane went a lot faster than his? As we rounded the final corner, I took the lead! Look at God!

It's like my boy David said, "who can raise a hand against the Lord's anointed and be without guilt?" 1 Samuel 26:9. I learned a lot that day. If you're going to cut me off, do it in Satan's territory like in the parking lot of an Insane Clown Posse concert. This was God's chicken and He had my back.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Hurricane, Cane Go Away

This is kind of like an open letter to everyone complaining about schools closing or not closing due to weather. I realize it can be a frustrating process but I think that a tiny bit of perspective might help.

Every year during hurricane season and winter I have some students who are complaining that school wasn't cancelled because they wanted a free day to play Fortcraft or whatever. And every year I also have some students who are complaining that whatever weather event everyone is worried about isn't even that bad. This is likely a defense mechanism because they don't want to get their hopes up. Smart kids.

The day before a predicted storm or snow, my kids will ask a ton of questions in class and I will redirect them to a science teacher while refreshing weather.com. It's like I always say. Safety third.

We all go home after school and check social media and the weather while we await a decision. Counting our bottles of water that yesterday would have been bad for the environment but today seem to be a matter of life or death. We charge every electronic we own and we buy gas we don't need and we purchase non-perishable food items. For some that means crackers and canned goods and protein bars. For me it means Reese's and Goldfish.

When we finally get the phone call or the email or the text, we take to social media to express our delight or disappointment. And it all goes downhill (or uphill in the snow both ways) from there. If school is closed there's always a Justin who says it's not even that bad and a Brenda who argues they would never close for snow back in Minnesota eh. If school isn't closed there's a Karen who complains that she's going to sue if something happens to her kids and a Mike who swears every other school in the state is closed.

Here's the thing. Sometimes school closures are issued by district, not individual schools. So depending on your specific district...the weather conditions at your house may differ from other parts of the district. Revolutionary, I know. But weather isn't bound by man-made political boundaries. Or by population density. So while your house right off the highway has easy access to salted or plowed roads, a house down a dirt road may be in a far more dangerous position.

Another important thing to consider is that there are these large vehicles called school buses that transport some students to and from school. School buses are...to my (vast and impeccable) knowledge...on the roads before sunrise. Which means ice/snow does not have time to melt. And as someone who briefly stole a friend's truck once (sorry Aubrey) I can attest that larger vehicles are generally more difficult to maneuver than smaller ones. So a big consideration in school closures is how bus-accessible ALL district roads are.

Another issue is power. Yes, there are generators and yes, if we can't get the lights on and it's too dark to read or write we can always just show an educational film (if you were in Mrs. D's 4th grade class you know) but we also need power in the cafeteria. If we can't serve lunch, we can't serve knowledge either. No food, no school. A message that I personally am on board with. I don't wanna deal with hangry students and they don't want to deal with hangry me.

My 1st year teaching we had to stay after school for an extra hour due to a tornado sighting. I had lunch at noon and by 4:00 PM I was instructing students to empty their lunch bags, we were going to need to pool our resources in order to survive and I know at least one of you has a bag of Cheetos. The students refused claiming Constitutional rights or whatever and it was a close call.

School districts have to make a decision before buses hit the roads. And it's helpful to make a call as early as possible so that parents who still have work can arrange childcare. But once you cancel, you can't unring that school bell. Waiting too late may leave some people (and buses) in the lurch, but deciding too early can result in a wasted day. A day that will have to be made up later. One year there was talk of us losing Memorial Day. It got ugly.

Next I want to address the northerners who are always complaining about how North Carolina shuts down if we get an inch of snow. Look. Listen. We live in NORTH CAROLINA. We have no business driving in snow. We chose to live in a place where it rarely snows. If we wanted to deal with all the drama of snow chains and toboggans and thermal underwear we would move to Canada like you.

Additionally, because we live in a tropical paradise instead of an arctic tundra, snow usually means driving on ice. And black ice. And it's not safe. Over in Iceland, you may have temperatures cold enough to sustain snow in its solid form once it hits the ground. In North Carolina, we do not. Our clay soil retains heat well and just bakes that snow like it's a green bean casserole for Sunday dinner. The snow melts when the sun is out and then the sun goes down and all that water refreezes making un- or under-salted roads look like Rockefeller Center in December. See? I'm speaking your language.

You can't expect us to be skilled at driving on ice. Just like I wouldn't expect you to understand how important it is to be able to livestream basketball in March. Having good college basketball teams just isn't your lot in life. And living in a climate where you can't wear a t shirt on Christmas isn't ours.

So there. Does that help? The only thing I can't explain is the milk sandwiches. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

BIBLE TL; DR Noah


So one time, God created the world but he sees that a lot of it is pretty bad. Like when you try to make a craft from Pinterest and it ends up looking like a big old pile of crap. First there was all that drama with Adam and Eve and it was kind of downhill from there. So He decided to control+alt+delete. But first He wants to copy Noah so He can paste him into the new world. God instructs Noah to build an ark. Noah is like “what’s an ark?” and "can I bring the crew?" and God says Noah can bring his family. Noah has 3 sons named Ham, Turkey, Bologna. Actually...I don't think Bologna had a first name.

God tells Noah how many cubits of lumber to get to build this ark. I don’t know what a cubit is so it must be part of the metric system. I never really pegged God as a Brit but that's cultural bias baby. Noah starts building an ark (a really big boat) because God is going to flood the earth. I feel like He was maybe inspired by Taylor Swift's Clean? While Noah is building a huge boat in his yard like your redneck uncle, his neighbors are asking him what he’s doing. When he tells them everyone thinks he is crazy and stops inviting him to birthday parties. He really comes across as more paranoid schizophrenic than enlightened prophet.

Eventually he finishes the ark. Then God tells him to take his family and 2 of every animal on the ark so the animals can repopulate. Noah is like “even wasps?” and God says “yes, even wasps.” Noah has to get a male and a female of every species so they can repopulate. Talk about pressure. God also told Noah to pack a lunch like my mom tells us at Disney World. They all get on the ark and it rains for 40 days and 40 nights. Almost as long as a baseball game.

No one got trench foot as far as we know, but they did all die so that's really inconclusive. It smells awful on the ark what with the animals and decaying flesh of all of civilization, so Noah sends birds to do some recon. Febreze wasn't around yet and he wanted out.

Finally the dove came back with an olive leaf which meant that there was dry land and it was time for some delicious Italian food. Everyone got off the boat and hopefully showered before enjoying some tapenade together. God sent a rainbow as a promise to never pressure wash the earth again.