Today I'm dealing with an issue that affects white girls around the globe. White girls are notoriously bad at taking compliments. There's an entire Amy Schumer sketch on it, which is how I know it must be a serious issue. I myself have trouble responding appropriately to a compliment. And practice does not make perfect, I think I actually get worse with more compliments. I have a theory that if 3 people complimented me at once, my head would explode from the shock. That's why I've struggled to maintain the amateur status of this blog, I couldn't handle the celebrity.
Almost every time someone directs a comment that is not entirely negative towards me I freak out, unsure of how to respond. My go to is an overly enthusiastic "thanks, you too!"
The worst is when I do it at restaurants.
Waitress: "Enjoy your meal."
Me: "Thanks, you too."
In my defense, she will eventually have a meal and whenever that occurs, I hope that she enjoys it.
Besides "you too!" the only other compliment response I offer is a self-depreciating comment, as if I'm afraid that all bystanders are tuned into my conversation and if I don't remind them that I too, have flaws, they might revolt out of self-pity.
Innocent adoring fan: "You look so skinny today!"
Me: "Who me? I'm like a size a hundred. I look like I'm in the third trimester with twin elephants. Get out of here with that. You're skinny! You look like an Olsen twin before rehab!"
Today a little girl told me I looked like a Barbie and I was speechless, I had no idea what to say. Brunettes do not prepare themselves for a compliment like that. So of course I blurted "Oh my gosh, thanks! You too!" and she just looked at me like "You idiot, there are no Barbies of third graders" and the moment was ruined.
So even though I am no expert, I have compiled a list of what I consider to be completely appropriate responses to whatever compliments may arise. You're welcome.
You look so adorable today!
Crap, I was going for ruggedly handsome.
I love your hair!
Thanks, I guess...it took the first 3 years of my life to grow it.
You look so good in that picture!
I'm guessing there's no one else in the picture then?
You're really funny.
Pretty and cute were taken so I had to find a talent.
Your teeth are so pretty.
I will forward that compliment to my orthodontist.
I love your sweater!
And I love Target for selling it to me!
You would be the perfect wife.
Marry me. Stop running away, I was completely serious.
You look so skinny!
I did have the flu 3 weeks ago, thanks for noticing!
I love your shoes!
They were $10!
(For some reason this is a big thing, whenever someone comments on something I got on sale I just have to tell them the price. And lots of people do this. I find this extremely strange and yet I know good and well that the next time someone tells me they like my coat I'm going to tell them it was 75% off.)
Your eyes are so bright!
No they're not, they're brown. Literally the color of mud, how can mud be bright?
I love your outfit.
Thanks! I like to call my style "nightmare dressed as a lazy nightmare."
I love your smile.
I love cheese.
You would make a great mother.
Don't say that to my 3rd fish this month.
You look like a Barbie.
Maybe the off-brand "barbeez" your mom bought at Dollar General because the real ones were too expensive.
and my personal favorite,
You are so cute.
No I'm not. You wouldn't call Beyonce cute would you? I'm flawless.
*Special thanks to my friend Caitlinn for giving me so many undeserved compliments and thereby forcing me to practice my responses. Also for being her fabulous self.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Gentlemen, Form an Orderly Queue
One of the worst parts about being a so-called "adult" is that I am now expected to bring dates to functions. I have reached the age where I can no longer have my mom take me to events to offset my awkwardness, instead I'm supposed to take someone else and amplify it. But that's not even the hardest part of taking a date to an event. The real kicker is...well finding a date. In less than a month, I have a huge, fancy event so I need to find a date and a ball gown in less than 30 days. I asked some friends how I should go about getting a date and after some completely ridiculous suggestions like "ask one of the 3 million guys you're obsessed with" they came up with some solid ideas like a social media contest or a raffle. I finally committed to an application, to be followed up by one-on-one interviews (thus tricking all applicants into going on at least one date with me). In an act of blind optimism, I printed out 3 of the following applications to hand out to all my male suitors.
1) Name
If your last name starts with a K that is strike one, but something we can hopefully work past. Like most other 12-year-olds, I have already created a long list of potential baby names and if I marry you, one kid will have the monogram "KKK" which is obviously not going to happen. But in the off chance that Hollywood invents new, weirder names like Motorcycle or Alyxia that I like better, please continue filling this out.
2) Social Media Usernames
I'm not going to pretend I'm too mature to stalk you. I'm the white girl incarnate of Enchanted by Taylor Swift. If I meet you slash view you from a distance, have access to your first and last name or a mutual friend, and like your face, I am 100% going to try to find you on Facebook or Instagram. I don't apologize.
3) Age
What I'm really shooting for here is men between the ages of 21 and 30, a range that my parents and therapist agreed on. So if you're older than 30, lie.
4) Occupation
This is where I would like to know if you are a serial killer, sociopath, Greenpeace employee, or anything else that I would consider unacceptable.
5) What is the best country?
Explain why you chose America.
6) Sports
I'm going to need to know if you're a Patriots fan right away. You will not be getting a call back. Almost anything else I can work with.
Red Sox, Steelers, Lakers, Thunder & Cowboys fans will need 3 friend recommendations to apply.
7) Future
What are your plans for the future? A beach house where we can vacation with our 6-8 children and host the best 4th of July party in the Carolinas year after year as we grow old together or a small studio apartment in Durham that smells like our 4 cats? There is obviously a right answer here, Consider this a field question.
8) Political Affiliation
Democrats need not apply. It's not going to work out. This is me letting you down easy.
9) Justin Timberlake is the best SNL guest star of all time.
Agree or disagree?
10) If you could get rid of one US state, which one would it be?
Hint: pick Canada.
11) What Taylor Swift lyrics changed your life?
Use all the Blank Space you need.
12) Who is your favorite Law and Order: SVU ADA?
If you did not understand the importance of this question, please give up. If you are thinking of answering Kim Greylek, don't call us, we'll call you.
13) What is the perfect date?
A sporting event.
A trip to the museum.
A movie.
Dinner.
April 25th.
14) Which Friends character do you identify as and why?
As long as you're not Monica, this can work. I'm Monica. Also, sorry for being Monica.
15) Would you be interested in dating me?
Blink for yes. (Did you blink? __ yes)
Back flip for no. (Can you back flip? __ no)
*This week I am celebrating White Girl Wednesday's 10,000th page view and I want to thank everyone who has ever read my blog, so thanks Mom. You're the real MVP.
1) Name
If your last name starts with a K that is strike one, but something we can hopefully work past. Like most other 12-year-olds, I have already created a long list of potential baby names and if I marry you, one kid will have the monogram "KKK" which is obviously not going to happen. But in the off chance that Hollywood invents new, weirder names like Motorcycle or Alyxia that I like better, please continue filling this out.
2) Social Media Usernames
I'm not going to pretend I'm too mature to stalk you. I'm the white girl incarnate of Enchanted by Taylor Swift. If I meet you slash view you from a distance, have access to your first and last name or a mutual friend, and like your face, I am 100% going to try to find you on Facebook or Instagram. I don't apologize.
3) Age
What I'm really shooting for here is men between the ages of 21 and 30, a range that my parents and therapist agreed on. So if you're older than 30, lie.
4) Occupation
This is where I would like to know if you are a serial killer, sociopath, Greenpeace employee, or anything else that I would consider unacceptable.
5) What is the best country?
Explain why you chose America.
6) Sports
I'm going to need to know if you're a Patriots fan right away. You will not be getting a call back. Almost anything else I can work with.
Red Sox, Steelers, Lakers, Thunder & Cowboys fans will need 3 friend recommendations to apply.
7) Future
What are your plans for the future? A beach house where we can vacation with our 6-8 children and host the best 4th of July party in the Carolinas year after year as we grow old together or a small studio apartment in Durham that smells like our 4 cats? There is obviously a right answer here, Consider this a field question.
8) Political Affiliation
Democrats need not apply. It's not going to work out. This is me letting you down easy.
9) Justin Timberlake is the best SNL guest star of all time.
Agree or disagree?
10) If you could get rid of one US state, which one would it be?
Hint: pick Canada.
11) What Taylor Swift lyrics changed your life?
Use all the Blank Space you need.
12) Who is your favorite Law and Order: SVU ADA?
If you did not understand the importance of this question, please give up. If you are thinking of answering Kim Greylek, don't call us, we'll call you.
13) What is the perfect date?
A sporting event.
A trip to the museum.
A movie.
Dinner.
April 25th.
14) Which Friends character do you identify as and why?
As long as you're not Monica, this can work. I'm Monica. Also, sorry for being Monica.
15) Would you be interested in dating me?
Blink for yes. (Did you blink? __ yes)
Back flip for no. (Can you back flip? __ no)
*This week I am celebrating White Girl Wednesday's 10,000th page view and I want to thank everyone who has ever read my blog, so thanks Mom. You're the real MVP.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Extreme Makeover: Reality TV Edition
I watch bad TV. Like really bad TV. There are several shows I follow religiously that no one else has ever heard of. I have reason to believe I am the literal only viewer for every show on Style Network. Basically if there's a series on a family with more than a few wives or more than a dozen kids, I gotta watch it. I've recently grown frustrated with the lack of programming for people like me. I'm sure when normal people sit down to watch TV and see nothing but Little Women: LA and Extreme Cheapskates they groan and put in a DVD or pull up Netflix. But I'm getting tired of reality shows that aren't quite weird enough. To me, the following is a list of ways to make already good series even better. To you, this probably reads as how to make bad TV even worse. Don't worry, none of the major networks have gotten back to me.
Celebrity Ex-Wife Swap
I like Wife Swap. I like Celebrity Wife Swap. I would LOVE Celebrity Ex-Wife Swap. Instead of D-list celebrities from the 1980s, this show would feature current celebs trading homes with their former lovers. Tell me you wouldn't tune in to watch Rihanna trade places with Chris Brown's next girlfriend. Or to see the Kim K lookalike girlfriend of Kris Humphries go play house with Kanye and North for a few weeks. This show would be epic.
Bachelor Catfish
So this title is pretty self-explanatory. To the participants, it's just another season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Actually, the bachelor would assume the identity of someone else during the show, hiding their true profession, family, and interests to pose as the true bachelor, revealed at the finale. They spent all season falling in love with the true bachelor when they thought he was someone else. At the finale the winning contestant has to decide if they can accept the true bachelor.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon
Very similar to Kate Plus 8 that's in season now, but every time Kate has a particularly stressful time with the kids, the screen switches to a clip of Jon being a jerk. Kate is raising 8 kids alone. Jon is dating 18 year olds. Kate packs 40 lunches a week. Jon wears Ed Hardy. Kate hasn't had a day alone in a decade. Jon parties with strippers. It's all about perspective.
Sister Wives and Brother Husbands
A series all about siblings who marry siblings. I've seen it happen and I think it's adorable. That's really it, that's the whole premise. I'd watch it.
The Real House Maids of New Jersey
Instead of featuring housewives, this series would follow the maids of the families made famous in the Real Housewives series. Instead of arguing with each other and doing rich people activities, the maids would give cameramen exclusives of the medicine cabinets and bank statements. It would be like a behind-the-scenes expose, and probably result in a spin-off following the real housewives in prison for insider trading and fraud.
Undercover Professor
Like the show Undercover Boss, but the professor goes undercover while a teaching assistant takes over the class for a few weeks. The professors listens and really connects with students. Students tell stories of academic scholarships to maintain, part-time jobs to work, spring breaks to pay for. The professors learn to be more chill and calm down on assigned reading. This would be a beautiful and touching show that would always change professors for the better. I tear up a little just thinking about it.
Say No to the H8RS
A combination of Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezillas. This series would follow brides doing whatever they want and refusing to listen to friends and family members with strong opinions. There's nothing I hate more than seeing a bride crying because her mom hates the wedding dress she wants. This show would be all about brides telling everyone to shut up because if it's not your wedding day, no one cares what you think, want or can or can't afford. The catchphrase would be "when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
Mom Code
Like Girl Code but with just moms talking about mom things. Together they will all be honest about the questionable parenting practices they use. The I Can't segment would be full of quotes like "When your kids call you at work to come sign a permission slip at school. I can't." and #IsThatWeird would feature soundbites of "Sometimes I run out of dish soap and just use bar soap instead. #IsThatWeird?"
Promzillas
I might be the only person who would watch this, but I would watch every single episode like 3 times. It would focus on high schools around the country as prom approaches. There would be so much drama, between dates and dresses, limos and restaurants, prom queen and prom themes. For someone who misses My Super Sweet 16 as much as I do, this show is the next great hope.
Preacher's Wives
A tamer Preacher's Daughters, this show would feature the wives of preachers, a seriously under-appreciated community. The preacher's wives would get together every Sunday night for supper and talk about the day's events. Whose sermon was best, whose attendance was down, who needs to schedule another baptism. Sometimes members would switch churches, or churches would schedule their Easter egg hunts for the same time, or order the same new hymn books. Drama! For the season finale they would all go on a cruise together.
Teen Mom Moms
Follows the mothers of the stars of Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 because many of them were instrumental in the upbringing of their grandchildren. I don't know how any teen parents could do it without the support of their parents, and this series would demonstrate that. There's a possibility that no one will be open to starring in this show other than Babs Evans, Jenelle's mom. I'm totally fine with that.
Celebrity Ex-Wife Swap
I like Wife Swap. I like Celebrity Wife Swap. I would LOVE Celebrity Ex-Wife Swap. Instead of D-list celebrities from the 1980s, this show would feature current celebs trading homes with their former lovers. Tell me you wouldn't tune in to watch Rihanna trade places with Chris Brown's next girlfriend. Or to see the Kim K lookalike girlfriend of Kris Humphries go play house with Kanye and North for a few weeks. This show would be epic.
Bachelor Catfish
So this title is pretty self-explanatory. To the participants, it's just another season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Actually, the bachelor would assume the identity of someone else during the show, hiding their true profession, family, and interests to pose as the true bachelor, revealed at the finale. They spent all season falling in love with the true bachelor when they thought he was someone else. At the finale the winning contestant has to decide if they can accept the true bachelor.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon
Very similar to Kate Plus 8 that's in season now, but every time Kate has a particularly stressful time with the kids, the screen switches to a clip of Jon being a jerk. Kate is raising 8 kids alone. Jon is dating 18 year olds. Kate packs 40 lunches a week. Jon wears Ed Hardy. Kate hasn't had a day alone in a decade. Jon parties with strippers. It's all about perspective.
Sister Wives and Brother Husbands
A series all about siblings who marry siblings. I've seen it happen and I think it's adorable. That's really it, that's the whole premise. I'd watch it.
The Real House Maids of New Jersey
Instead of featuring housewives, this series would follow the maids of the families made famous in the Real Housewives series. Instead of arguing with each other and doing rich people activities, the maids would give cameramen exclusives of the medicine cabinets and bank statements. It would be like a behind-the-scenes expose, and probably result in a spin-off following the real housewives in prison for insider trading and fraud.
Undercover Professor
Like the show Undercover Boss, but the professor goes undercover while a teaching assistant takes over the class for a few weeks. The professors listens and really connects with students. Students tell stories of academic scholarships to maintain, part-time jobs to work, spring breaks to pay for. The professors learn to be more chill and calm down on assigned reading. This would be a beautiful and touching show that would always change professors for the better. I tear up a little just thinking about it.
Say No to the H8RS
A combination of Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezillas. This series would follow brides doing whatever they want and refusing to listen to friends and family members with strong opinions. There's nothing I hate more than seeing a bride crying because her mom hates the wedding dress she wants. This show would be all about brides telling everyone to shut up because if it's not your wedding day, no one cares what you think, want or can or can't afford. The catchphrase would be "when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
Mom Code
Like Girl Code but with just moms talking about mom things. Together they will all be honest about the questionable parenting practices they use. The I Can't segment would be full of quotes like "When your kids call you at work to come sign a permission slip at school. I can't." and #IsThatWeird would feature soundbites of "Sometimes I run out of dish soap and just use bar soap instead. #IsThatWeird?"
Promzillas
I might be the only person who would watch this, but I would watch every single episode like 3 times. It would focus on high schools around the country as prom approaches. There would be so much drama, between dates and dresses, limos and restaurants, prom queen and prom themes. For someone who misses My Super Sweet 16 as much as I do, this show is the next great hope.
Preacher's Wives
A tamer Preacher's Daughters, this show would feature the wives of preachers, a seriously under-appreciated community. The preacher's wives would get together every Sunday night for supper and talk about the day's events. Whose sermon was best, whose attendance was down, who needs to schedule another baptism. Sometimes members would switch churches, or churches would schedule their Easter egg hunts for the same time, or order the same new hymn books. Drama! For the season finale they would all go on a cruise together.
Teen Mom Moms
Follows the mothers of the stars of Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 because many of them were instrumental in the upbringing of their grandchildren. I don't know how any teen parents could do it without the support of their parents, and this series would demonstrate that. There's a possibility that no one will be open to starring in this show other than Babs Evans, Jenelle's mom. I'm totally fine with that.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
New Year Neverlutions
The first post of 2015 is all about Neverlutions, those resolutions that you make every year but give up on by January 2nd when you realize that gym memberships and fresh produce are luxuries you just can't afford. Below are some of the most basic resolutions that white girls make every year, along with the reasons why they never work.
Lose Weight
This is not so much a resolution but more like a promise I make to myself every night while I'm trying to fall asleep and forget by the time I wake up. But if you've ever been to a gym in January you know how many people make this resolution. The great thing about pledging to lose weight is that it's so open-ended. Have your appendix removed this year? Congrats! You (sort of) did it!
Read More
I love to read, so this has never been a resolution of mine, but I have made the resolution to read certain books or different genres and it NEVER happens. I wish I could say that this is because I'm a literature snob who only reads Austen and Hawthorne, but it's actually quite the opposite. I tend to stick to fiction and by fiction I mean one fictional series about preteen mean girls that I reread like it's my job. I think, when it comes to reading, people just like what they like. Every year I try to make myself read Anna Karenina but I just end up reading Chelsea Handler's second book for the ninth time.
Write Letters
So people keep trying to make the postal service happen. This is a big resolution for recent college grads I've noticed, because nothing says "I have a salary now" quite like being able to afford stamps. I love the idea of writing letters. You know what I don't love? Actually writing letters. It's 2015, I don't know anyone's address. And the thought of checking my mailbox every single day? As if. I'll catch ya in my inbox.
Exercise
Very similar to losing weight, but making losing weight your resolution is the easy way out. You can basically do whatever you want all year, get pneumonia in December and you achieved your goal! Making it a point to exercise means you have to actually go to the gym, or run, or at the very least buy a new pair of tennis shoes.
Study More
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. "New semester, new me." Yeah right, until the new season of American Horror Orange is the New Girl Code is on Netflix. When it comes to classwork, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.
Start A New Hobby
Very popular among the retired crowd, new hobbies are also favored by those hoping to become more "cultured" or have "skills". Also, the recently divorced. I think the reason that this doesn't work is because new hobbies require concentration and time in early January. Between the after Christmas sales (aka Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale) and season/series premieres, who has the time? I would rather spend my January Saturdays at the mall or in front of the TV than bird collecting or stamp watching or whatever.
Eat Healthy
Again, like losing weight but without an alternative escape plan. Honestly, I think that this resolution generally fails for 2 main reasons. 1) It is expensive to eat healthy! Nothing tastes as good as Taco Bell costs. And 2) Vegetables are disgusting.
Journal
I have roughly 5 journals at any given time that I write in. One is a journal of just quotes, one is to my future children, one is to my future husband (I love you John Stamos), one is my innermost thoughts. Not having friends or a career really frees up your time. I think the problem is making the resolution to write every day, because then as soon as you miss a day, you just quit. My journal pen rolled way under my bed once and I was out of the game for weeks.
Quit Drinking
Why would you pledge to quit drinking on the very night when everyone around you is likely drinking? And there are so many drinking holidays at the beginning of the year. I mean St. Patrick's Day is obviously huge. Then there's Valentine's Day, I know I could always use a few drinks on February 14th. Not to mention Groundhog Day, Presidents Day, sometimes there are snow days, that calls for celebration. I have seen this work once. The person decided to leave alcohol in 2012, but kept chugging right up until 11:59. The next morning, she was so sick she said she was never drinking again. And she meant it. She was totally sober until her next break up. Bless her heart.
Find Love
Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah I have a better chance of giving up Taco Bell than finding love. I feel like that was a very profound revelation. Deciding to find love is like deciding to pass a quiz. There's nothing you can do to control the outcome, it's all luck. At least that's what I tell myself. At this point my resolution is to believe that finding love is still possible even though I continue to meet more and more men that make me question how the human race has survived this long. So every January 1st, I promise to put off joining Farmers Only for another year and call myself a success story. City fold just don't get it.
Travel
I'm not an expert on this one as it is more common among people who do not live in America who want to live in America. The issue with travel is that it requires a great deal of disposable income and free time. You can't just wake up in 2015 and decide to ship off for a month in Europe. You need a passport. Not that easy to do when you have a history of buying books on Shari'a law online. I spent most of my college career studying the politics of Islam. Uncle Sam probably thinks my genuine, Hebrew name is an alias. I'm almost certain I'm on a government watch list for my last trip to the library, where I was the first person to check out Iran and the Ayatollah in a decade.
Read More White Girl Wednesday
This is actually a great resolution, but on January 1st as you're going all the way back to Decoding Girl Texts to catch up, you should think to yourself "shame on me for not appreciating White Girl Wednesday the other 364* days of the year".
*365 days during leap years
Lose Weight
This is not so much a resolution but more like a promise I make to myself every night while I'm trying to fall asleep and forget by the time I wake up. But if you've ever been to a gym in January you know how many people make this resolution. The great thing about pledging to lose weight is that it's so open-ended. Have your appendix removed this year? Congrats! You (sort of) did it!
Read More
I love to read, so this has never been a resolution of mine, but I have made the resolution to read certain books or different genres and it NEVER happens. I wish I could say that this is because I'm a literature snob who only reads Austen and Hawthorne, but it's actually quite the opposite. I tend to stick to fiction and by fiction I mean one fictional series about preteen mean girls that I reread like it's my job. I think, when it comes to reading, people just like what they like. Every year I try to make myself read Anna Karenina but I just end up reading Chelsea Handler's second book for the ninth time.
Write Letters
So people keep trying to make the postal service happen. This is a big resolution for recent college grads I've noticed, because nothing says "I have a salary now" quite like being able to afford stamps. I love the idea of writing letters. You know what I don't love? Actually writing letters. It's 2015, I don't know anyone's address. And the thought of checking my mailbox every single day? As if. I'll catch ya in my inbox.
Exercise
Very similar to losing weight, but making losing weight your resolution is the easy way out. You can basically do whatever you want all year, get pneumonia in December and you achieved your goal! Making it a point to exercise means you have to actually go to the gym, or run, or at the very least buy a new pair of tennis shoes.
Study More
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. "New semester, new me." Yeah right, until the new season of American Horror Orange is the New Girl Code is on Netflix. When it comes to classwork, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.
Start A New Hobby
Very popular among the retired crowd, new hobbies are also favored by those hoping to become more "cultured" or have "skills". Also, the recently divorced. I think the reason that this doesn't work is because new hobbies require concentration and time in early January. Between the after Christmas sales (aka Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale) and season/series premieres, who has the time? I would rather spend my January Saturdays at the mall or in front of the TV than bird collecting or stamp watching or whatever.
Eat Healthy
Again, like losing weight but without an alternative escape plan. Honestly, I think that this resolution generally fails for 2 main reasons. 1) It is expensive to eat healthy! Nothing tastes as good as Taco Bell costs. And 2) Vegetables are disgusting.
Journal
I have roughly 5 journals at any given time that I write in. One is a journal of just quotes, one is to my future children, one is to my future husband (I love you John Stamos), one is my innermost thoughts. Not having friends or a career really frees up your time. I think the problem is making the resolution to write every day, because then as soon as you miss a day, you just quit. My journal pen rolled way under my bed once and I was out of the game for weeks.
Quit Drinking
Why would you pledge to quit drinking on the very night when everyone around you is likely drinking? And there are so many drinking holidays at the beginning of the year. I mean St. Patrick's Day is obviously huge. Then there's Valentine's Day, I know I could always use a few drinks on February 14th. Not to mention Groundhog Day, Presidents Day, sometimes there are snow days, that calls for celebration. I have seen this work once. The person decided to leave alcohol in 2012, but kept chugging right up until 11:59. The next morning, she was so sick she said she was never drinking again. And she meant it. She was totally sober until her next break up. Bless her heart.
Find Love
Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah I have a better chance of giving up Taco Bell than finding love. I feel like that was a very profound revelation. Deciding to find love is like deciding to pass a quiz. There's nothing you can do to control the outcome, it's all luck. At least that's what I tell myself. At this point my resolution is to believe that finding love is still possible even though I continue to meet more and more men that make me question how the human race has survived this long. So every January 1st, I promise to put off joining Farmers Only for another year and call myself a success story. City fold just don't get it.
Travel
I'm not an expert on this one as it is more common among people who do not live in America who want to live in America. The issue with travel is that it requires a great deal of disposable income and free time. You can't just wake up in 2015 and decide to ship off for a month in Europe. You need a passport. Not that easy to do when you have a history of buying books on Shari'a law online. I spent most of my college career studying the politics of Islam. Uncle Sam probably thinks my genuine, Hebrew name is an alias. I'm almost certain I'm on a government watch list for my last trip to the library, where I was the first person to check out Iran and the Ayatollah in a decade.
Read More White Girl Wednesday
This is actually a great resolution, but on January 1st as you're going all the way back to Decoding Girl Texts to catch up, you should think to yourself "shame on me for not appreciating White Girl Wednesday the other 364* days of the year".
*365 days during leap years
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