Snark Week

Before this week's regularly scheduled programming (Shark Week), I need to add a little section I like to call Oopsie Poopsie. Oopsie Poopsie is a corrections section that I want to use today to address the issue of Yasukuni Shrine.

Last week I mentioned that while in Japan, we visited Yasukini Shrine, a site that holds the remains of many Japanese killed in World War II. At the time we visited, my friend had been told it was controversial for housing war dead from Japan AND other countries. She was later told that the controversy stems from it enshrining the remains of war criminals like Hideki Tojo. And then ANOTHER source said it's controversial because foreign leaders will sometimes visit it on war anniversaries to make political statements. So I guess this shrine is a choose your own adventure type thing.

Now without further ado...Shark Week! I love Shark Week because I'm an American. I don't love Shark Week as much as this girl...

...but I do enjoy it a lot. One of the first Shark Week shows I watched this year centered around some guy giving underwater ultrasounds to hammerheads because he thought they were pregnant. That's messed up, right? Does Discovery Channel not have any female executives on board to tell him that is so rude! In his defense, he didn't just swim up and ask the sharks when their due date was. And I've never been warned against walking up to a woman with an ultrasound wand which is what this guy did so maybe that's perfectly kosher in international waters.

There are like a million species of sharks besides hammerheads that need to be covered too. I learned that mako sharks are really vicious, which makes sense as they are the namesake of my roommate's dog. He's not vicious per se, just viciously annoying.

See the resemblance?

One day that 20 pounds of terd will get his own post but for now, back to the sharks.

A major theme from Shark Week is that sharks really love to vacation in Massachusetts and you know what? I'm okay with that. As long as Brendan, Evan, Touchette and Kelly stay safe I say let the sharks have Massachusetts. They might get Dunkin' Donuts, but we still have Krispy Kreme. For a minute I thought we would have to concede Arby's to the sharks but I just read it wrong, it's actually Abry Partners, a private equity firm that I am more than willing to part with.

Which brings me to those pesky Australians. I have heard several peers talk about Australians with a sense of wonder in their voice. Friends and classmates have said that Australians are so chill and stay out of international affairs for the most part (as if that's a good thing). Let me tell you something - there is a reason no one worries about those people taking over the world...they really are not skilled at self-preservation. These Australians keep swimming in shark-infested waters. On surfboards. That make them look like delicious seal hush puppies.

Like have y'all seen Jaws? 47 Meters Down? Finding Nemo? Sharks are killers! Here's the other thing I don't get...they all forgive the sharks. All these shark experts that are missing limbs will say they don't blame the shark or it's not the shark's fault. Seems like a pretty direct cause and effect relationship to me, meanwhile we got Americans blaming President Bush for zika. I get stung by a jellyfish at the beach and I'll blame a shark. "Sharks probably drove 'em closer to shore. Jerks." Australians be standing in a pond and get both legs ripped off faster than you can say intrauterine cannibalism like "it wasn't the shark's fault."

And you know what else is messed up? Some girl on a dive hunting for this queen shark (I didn't even know it was a monarchy) ended up getting bitten by an alligator! That is SO UNFAIR. If you are shark diving, the only harm that should befall you is sharks. Or running out of oxygen. I'm not gonna tell y'all again, watch 47 Meters Down. 

One piece of advice they always give you on Discovery Channel is that if you find yourself in a shark attack, poke their eyeballs. And that is advice I don't find particularly helpful. Do you realize how often I miss my own mouth using a spoon with my dominant hand? So while I'm underwater, fighting for my life, you think I'm going to be able to locate the tiny factory reset buttons on a 2 ton animal? Yeah right, I'm going to resign to death like God intended. But it will be a slow and painful death because sharks don't like to eat humans. And they don't really follow a "you bite it, you bought it" code, they're not Native Americans who believe in using the whole buffalo. That shark will take one bite, realize I taste like fried cheese and peanut butter cups, not sea lions and tuna, and leave me to drown or bleed to death.

And that is why I will never participate in this shark diving nonsense. Watching shark movies taught me that swimming near sharks is dangerous. And cage diving with sharks is dangerous too. So when I turn on Discovery Channel and see these people just diving with sharks wearing wet suits, not even covered in chainmail, I am not surprised when something bad happens. That's not a plot twist folks, that is FORESHADOWING.

And let me tell you another reason. Before I do anything I ask myself “would Missy be okay if this is how I died?” And if the answer is no, I don’t do it. Would my mother be okay if I died in a car wreck going the speed limit and wearing a seat belt, not texting and driving on my way to work? I mean she wouldn't be thrilled but she's also my sole beneficiary and I'm sure that would ease the pain. Would my mother be okay if I died because I was swimming with sharks? No. She would be pissed. At me. She wouldn't blame the shark either. So I don't do it.

I saw one guy this week who got bit by a shark while he was standing with them in shallow waters. Not wearing a diving suit, no cage, just wearing shorts and a t-shirt waist-deep in some bull sharks, so named for their aggressive behavior. Wikipedia literally says that bull sharks have "virtually no tolerance for provocation." They're the fish version of Odell Beckham Jr. Guess what? I don’t feel sorry for you. That really wasn't the shark's fault.

But there is some shark insanity that I can respect. On one special they used like a massive whale carcass to attract sharks for filming and one photographer got on the carcass with no suit to take pictures. Tbh I wanna be friends with him. That's dedication worth at least 100 Instagram likes. You think that guy would take pictures of me like my brothers do? No way.

As we approach the end of Shark Week I am left with one tough question. What would I rather do...get eaten by a shark or have to eat hakarl? Idk. 

Japandemonium

I am back in the states and ready to give you guys a real blogpost. Here's a recap of my Konichiwhaaat adventures.

We began our journey by flying from Raleigh to New York, New York to Shanghai and Shanghai to Okinawa. Saw a little show in New York, nbd. I was totally chill about it.


My major take away from the 15 hour flight to China is that babies DO NOT like flying to China. Their parents are like "we're going to China" and the babies are like no thanks. Pass. Not interested. And then they have to go anyway and babies be pissed! So they cry the whole time. And I don't blame them. If I could have been put under for  the 15 hour flight I would have. And I went by choice, these poor babies can't even hire a lawyer to get emancipated.

Another interesting phenomenon I noticed when flying with China Eastern Air is that every time an announcement was made I would stop and listen, as if I fully expected to just start understanding Mandarin. And that never happened. Shocking, I know. But luckily they would normally repeat the announcement in English or have signs that use photos and some English to get the point across.

Like this sign that was particularly helpful because I never knew that you WEREN'T supposed to use the toilet feet-first.


When we finally made it to Okinawa my first thought was "time to embrace my new home because I am definitely moving here, not doing another 15 hour plane ride, sorry Mom." My next thought was "I am really not sure why everyone keeps bragging about these heated toilet seats in Japan. It is JULY. Cut that mess out." And I stand by that.

One of the first things we did was visit the beach at Kin Bay near Alex's house. We collected a lot of sea glass and beautiful seashells.

Amanda accidentally collected a hermit crab and didn't realize it until he started crawling in her hand amongst the other shells, causing her to scream and throw shells everywhere.


When unpacking my bags I realized that my bug spray had completely emptied and sprayed all over my shorts. Alex offered me her washing machine but as far as I was concerned, I was now invincible to bugs AND managed to cut out the middle man.

My first full day in Japan was the 4th of July. We started the day with some red, white and blue bagels and then toured Hacksaw Ridge. Super patriotic! Alex tried the entire trip to get us to watch Hacksaw Ridge, she even bought it on DVD while we were there but it never quite panned out. From what I hear Andrew Garfield is a hero.


While exploring some castle ruins at Hacksaw Ridge we saw this sign that officially got filed under "pictures I should under no circumstances send to Missy."

The habu, a deadly snake in Japan that is often sold in a ridiculously large amount of sake. We thankfully did not see any in the wild. Just snails, cats and hermit crabs.


On Friday we headed to Tokyo for a weekend of being confused on the subway and purikura, Japanese photo booths that are like if you gave Snapchat some cocaine for breakfast. I am considering buying one and opening my own photo booth shop and running the business out of Ting's attic. Stay tuned.
 

My mother was seriously concerned that I would find a way to become a political prisoner during my 5 hour layover in China. The closest I came to an arrest was when I was put into subway jail in Tokyo because my ticket somehow malfunctioned. Tokyo's metro system was the bane of my existence. The dumbest thing about it is that you have to keep your tiny ticket and put it in the gate to exit the station you arrive at. But the gates remain open all the time so for most of our trip I wondered what the point even was. Until I put my ticket in the wrong way or it got stuck in the machine and the gates suddenly closed, trapping me in a jail of shame and embarrassment and also very real metal bars keeping me from leaving. Luckily a subway worker came to open the machine and find my ticket but that's not enough to save Tokyo from a scathing yelp review.

Our first night in Tokyo we visited DisneySea, a Disney theme park that I assumed would be all about The Little Mermaid and other ocean-related movies. For some reason they still had Indiana Jones, a whole Aladdin section that I'm not complaining about and a ride similar to It's a Small World but featuring Sinbad.


You guys know how much I hate to brag but a Disney "cast member" did tell me I looked like Ariel...or at least that my hair looked like Ariel's while I was in Triton's Kingdom so...I'm basically famous and should DEFINITELY be starring in my school's production of The Little Mermaid even though every time I politely insist on getting the lead role I am told that it's "for students only" which I think is discrimination.

Another big Tokyo attraction was cat cafés, we chose Café Mocha and enjoyed 30 minutes of unlimited coffee and Coke while cats slept and walked around and slept and played and slept. I didn't really care about the cats but I did enjoy these fun hanging chairs.


I also liked the cat theme on EVERYTHING lest you forget you are sharing the space with like 30 felines.




I had to pee soooooo bad when we got there and I waited outside the only bathroom for over 5 minutes until some guy finally came out. But once I was inside I just knew he was busy taking selfies in there. They had this bookshelf wallpaper that was stunning. Although I didn't interact with the cats much...and they were plenty stimulated trust me, I think they were thrilled I left them alone...I decided the least I could do was use a cat filter in the gorgeous bathroom. That was my contribution to the cat café culture. You're welcome.


We walked around the East Gardens of the Imperial Palace (no palace in sight) and I took this picture which makes me think...maybe I'm a photographer? Or the emperor just has super nice horticulture?


One major issue I ran into in Tokyo was that I had no idea I could bring a razor in my carry on baggage through Jetstar. And I only brought tank tops. So by day 3 I may have accidentally introduced radical feminism to Japan. Oops.

On our last day in Tokyo we waited 3 hours to eat at a ramen shop with a Michelin star. It was good, but not 3 hours good. Of course there aren't many things I would consider worth a 3 hour wait. The Cheesecake Factory. My friends who say they will "be there at 9" knowing good and well they won't wake up until 10:30. You know who you are. And Fury 325. Those are the things I would wait 3 hours for. But we did get served Coke in glass bottles so the day wasn't a total loss.


Something I did NOT get about Tokyo (besides their subway system, language and ice allergy) was the dedication to layered clothing. It is hot. You're in a major city and I only learned one thing from my sociology class in college and that is the urban heat island effect. So it's 90 degrees but feels more like 9,000. Why we gotta dress up? I was wearing athletic shorts and extra extra extra large tank tops because I was afraid if any fabric touched my skin it would fuse with my body leaving me a disgusting ragdoll hybrid. But everyone else was dressed so nice and not even sweating. Is that the secret to Japanese skin care? These people have no sweat glands.

Even though I refuse to layer, I fit right in with Japanese footwear trends. Those people love a platform and God bless 'em for it. I peeped this American-themed pedicure in Tokyo right after the 4th of July. At least I assume it was American-themed. I suppose for all I know those colors could apply to the flags of about 30 different nations. But let's err on the side of America.


Besides platform shoes, the Japanese are also very into purple sweet potato called beni-imo. They are also very into giving Kit Kats flavors other than Kit Kat. That's a cultural quirk I can appreciate.


Here is some beni-imo flavored ice cream along with Okinawan salt cookie (tastes like shortbread) and almond-pistachio. This is at Blue Seal, Okinawa's ice cream company. The stores we went into gave you the option to ship samples of Blue Seals major flavors in a refrigerated container so your friends and family can experience Okinawan ice cream. My bank account is lucky that none of those forms were in English.

Selfies are also warmly embraced in Japan. While touring Shuri Castle we experienced some girls so busy taking selfies that they refused to get out of the wide shot we were trying to take. And another woman walked through the entire castle taking selfies with everything using her selfie stick. I admire a people who can unapologetically take selfies with everything that catches their eye. I aspire to be more like that and less like Shrek when I open my front-facing camera.

While in Tokyo we also visited Yasukuni Shrine. Alex informed us that this is a controversial shrine because it houses the remains of many World War II soldiers, not just Japanese soldiers. Some Japanese believe that the shrine shouldn't contain the remains of the bad guys. My question was...who is going to tell Japan that THEY were the bad guys in World War II? Alex strongly suggested that I NOT be the one to tell them so I politely remained silent and minded my own business, not supporting genocide and what not. 


Once we were back in Okinawa, our whale shark diving and snorkeling plans got cancelled due to Typhoon Maria so we explored some capes instead. This was one of the coolest parts of the trip. The capes were so pretty and you could climb on these cliffs and look down at the water that was actually moving thanks to typhoon winds.

While we were driving to 3 different capes I found this sunflower field and of course we had to stop to take pictures because every American knows that it isn't summer until you have seen exactly 12 girls post sunflower photos on Instagram. Those are the rules.

We also went chasing waterfalls despite TLC's warnings. Todoroki waterfall was beautiful and there was a little park area where some other American tourists were playing. They had a mini sliding rock set up and all sorts of trails that I was NOT interested in at all after the morning's hike up roughly a kazillion stairs to an observatory.

Seriously guys, this is like a third of the stairs. I am in terrible shape but I will have you know that I fit in a rollercoaster seat WITH Amanda that was designed for children. In Tokyo. I can fit into an Asian child's seat. Talk about body positivity.

Between exploring capes and sunflower fields we ate at a Hawaiian café with their own doggie mascot, Hana.

And although Hana was adorable, you are not allowed to feed her human food.


Another interesting dining experience we had in Japan was yakiniku. Japanese for "so full you want to die." Yakiniku is a grill-your-own-meat style of restaurant where you use a tablet at the table to order various food items and then cook it as much (or as little if you're any male in my family) as you like on a small grill in the table. When Alex explained what yakiniku was I was reminded of The Melting Pot and afraid that it would be out of my price range. We asked if it would be expensive and she said it was like 27 dollars per person. I found that perfectly reasonable for an all you can eat buffet. Let's be real, I have spent more at Taco Bell when rolled chicken tacos are on the menu.


I just had to try a fish pedicure while I was in Japan. So in an inflated kiddie pool in the middle of a mall in Mihama I let like a thousand garra rufas eat dead skin off my feet. It wasn't as ticklish as I thought it would be but it was definitely odd.

I referred to every shrine as a memorial for most of the trip despite numerous corrections, my extensive vocabulary is just rejecting the word shrine. And my palate rejected red bean paste. Taiyaki is a Japanese dessert cake filled with allegedly "sweetened" red bean paste. This was the only thing I tried and legitimately didn't like, aside from green tea flavored salt cookies but I knew that would be a no, I think I was just hungry at the time it was offered to me. Red bean paste is every bit as disgusting as it sounds. I thought carrot cake was a stretch but let me tell you...I can officially report that both vegetables AND beans belong nowhere in a dessert. I don't even like jelly beans anymore, I'm done.

One thing Okinawa is known for besides the American military and some monstrosity called the bitter melon is glass. Sea glass and glass blowing. I got this beautiful necklace for just $10 at a market by one of the capes we visited.

All in all it was a wonderful trip. I would go back to Okinawa for sure if I had enough money to buy a business class ticket. So if anyone finds $6,000 dollars laying around let me know. If you're planning a trip to Japan I would highly recommend not going to Tokyo, spending a lot of time in a Daiso (Japanese Dollar Tree), touring a cape or two, heading to a yakiniku and visiting Alex!

Dorm Room Karaoke: Text Me

Text Me

Come on don’t be coy

You text first, you’re the boy

Get thoooose thumbs moooooving

I wanna seeeeee your name

On my screeeeen

My phone’s beside my bed

So it won’t go dead

Waiting for your messages

They aren’t here just yet

That feeling that I get

I’m in love now…

Text me like you wanna talk

You wanna talk

Wanna talk

This feels like you don’t want to talk

Talk toooo me

Talk to me

Mmmm

So just ask meee

And I’ll be your lady

You’ll be my baby

I will make you sandwiches everyday

But I won’t text you first though, that’s just not ok

Oh nooo

I see you opened my snapchats

But you haven’t responded once

Not falling for your lies

You didn’t send messages

This feeling I won’t forget

I’m depressed now

I guessssss you don’t wanna talk

Don’t wanna talk

Wanna talk

It’ssss been a week this is so awk

This is so awk

Sooooo awk

Interlude convo

See I’ve been feeling everything

From hate to love

From love to lust

But mostly love

I’m just feeling abandoned by youuuu

So I re    read the con  versations that we had

So I guess this is the end

You don’t wanna be my boyfriend

You’re not my boyfriend

Guess I should stop calling you my boyyyyyfriendddd?

I should’ve known

Forever alone

But text me if you wanna get back

Together with me

Together with me

This still could be loooove

If youuuu just

Caaaaall me?

My Favorite Bingo*

I am currently in Japan, so this week I am sharing a serial killer bingo that I made inspired by My Favorite Murder. Feel free to print these out to play with friends or use this link to make your own! I recommend using cookies as bingo chips and I think Elvis would agree.

Here's the bingo caller's card which includes all of the famous murderers in our game.

Here are 6 sample bingo cards that you can share with friends.

And here are the clues! Some cute little rhymes that will hint to our bingo players which mass murderer is being called. 

Stay sexy and don't get murdered.

*Ages 12 and up, may be beneficial to have a real adult or therapist present.