BIBLE TL; DR Jonah

Jonah is a prophet like in Harry Potter. God tells Jonah to go to a city called Nineveh to tell them all the bad things that will happen to them if they don’t repent. The Ninevites are doing some messed up stuff like putting ketchup on eggs, wearing Sketchers and premarital hand-holding. God is real tired of their antics but Jonah is petty so he doesn’t want to go to Nineveh he wants them to be punished.

So Jonah takes the midnight train going anywhere but Nineveh. He is actually on a boat but there aren’t a lot of songs about boats that made it into this century. It is storming really bad and Jonah realizes it’s either because God needs a Snickers or because God is angry at him. So Jonah requests to be thrown overboard because he suddenly grows a conscience. The other sailors are like “sure, why not?” and toss him over where a big fish swallows him whole! I’m sure it smelled great. 

While he is in the fish Jonah prays for forgiveness and also probably throws up a little. After 3 days and nights, the same amount of time it takes to get food at Sonic, the fish spits Jonah up like he’s a vegetable. Jonah finally goes to Nineveh because he learned that God don’t play. The whole city of Nineveh is repentant and God is like “told ya so.”

Jonah is super happy for Nineveh and totally learned his lesson...JUST KIDDING! He’s pouty and just sits outside the city waiting for it to be destroyed like me waiting for my Amazon Prime package that I ordered 3 hours ago. A plant grows and gives him as much shade as he has been throwing at the Ninevites. 

Jonah is lucky that God is a better gardener than I am but then a worm destroys the plant. Probably like a Tremors-type worm but Reba was nowhere to be found. Jonah is very triggered by the plant being destroyed and he continues his pout parade. 

God is like “Boy. You big mad about a plant but wanted a WHOLE CITY TO DIE. That ain’t it.” and Jonah needs to take a long hard look in a mirror and probably also a long hard soak in a bath. 

Why Israel?

I haven't mentioned it in awhile but did you guys know I went to Israel?

The trip I went on had an essay contest. Which I didn't win. Shocking, I know. But I'm still pretty proud of my essay. I planned to share it while I was in Israel but concerned friends and family felt that I was too high on the PLO's hit list for that. So I was waiting for a good time to share it and after the uncharacteristically bipartisan House vote yesterday, now seemed as good a time as any. 

Here's a primer on the most recent episode of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict:

The BDS (boycott, divestment & sanctions) Movement is attempting to end international support for Israel...I would love to see evidence of this alleged international support. Yesterday the House of Representatives voted overwhelmingly to condemn the boycott, with only 17 members voting against opposing the Palestinian movement. Minnesota's Ilhan Omar not only voted against condemning BDS, but she also sponsored a resolution in favor of the right to boycott Israel. A resolution which compared Israel's actions of self defense to those of Nazi Germany. Regardless of whether or not you find the two situations comparable (PS...they aren't), you have to admit that this is a poor and insanely offensive choice of analogy.

I would be happy to answer further questions regarding conflict in the Middle East at a later date, but for now, without further ado...

Why I Love Israel and the Jewish People

When I was growing up my grandfather used to say that my cousins and I had a drug problem because we were drug to church whenever the doors were open. But I hardly saw that as a problem. While other kids my age were at the mall or listening to Usher I was going to Bible study and inviting Amy Grant to my birthday party (she never came). My peers remember watching Friends and playing Uno but I remember resonating with Rachel, being enchanted by Esther, journaling about Joseph and praying with Peter.

As I grew older, my early obsession with Arabian Nights and Aladdin became a passion for the Middle East. I devoured any text I could get on Judaism and Islam and went on to minor in Middle Eastern Studies at college. Through that experience I listened to countless professors pontificate on alleged Israeli violence and Jewish aggression. Once we had a debate over the contested ownership of Jerusalem and I shared my point of view that as far as I was concerned, God had given Israel to the Jews and that pretty much settled the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. My classmates laughed at me and I endured 3 more years of being laughed at and considered a crazy Zionist by a university and a generation that had turned their backs on the God of Israel.

A bright spot in my college experience was hearing David Horowitz come speak on the reality of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Mr. Horowitz was extremely professional, polite and well-spoken and I took pages of notes as he talked about religion, history and war. He had to travel with a bodyguard and mere minutes into his lecture a group of students stood up and walked out as part of a planned protest. It is still mind-blowing to me that people can consider Israelis, members of a nation that has been defending its right to exist since the day it was created, the aggressors and bullies in the Middle East. In a political climate that is constantly seeking justice for the oppressed and voices for the marginalized, why do the Jews continue to be persecuted?

I have been in love with Israel for a long time now but one event in particular brought me even closer to the Jewish community. When I was 17 the world I had created for myself within my church community fell apart. My grandfather had been my pastor for my entire life but he died of leukemia in 2010. As we raced to find a bone marrow donor suitable we had no luck, a scenario unheard of for Caucasians in America. That is how we discovered that my grandfather was a descendent of Melungeons, a tri-racial ethnic group from central Appalachia with Jewish ancestry. The reason my grandfather never found a bone marrow donor in time also became a blessing, uncovering this part of my own ancestry and history gave me a sense of pride. I was so thrilled to be a descendant of Sephardic Jews.

Suddenly my passion for the Middle East wasn’t an obsession, but a calling. My support for Israel had new meaning. My interest in Messianic Judaism had a genetic component. My observance of Jewish holidays was no longer pretentious but reverential. My dark eyes, dark hair and Hebrew name are all traits that I hope to pass on to my children someday.

Recently my adjacent appearance and Hebrew name led to me being called an ethnic slur by a Holocaust denier. Unfortunately, anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial is still a part of the world we live in. But so is hatikvah. Hope. And I am proud to join countless others who hope for a day when the Jewish citizens of Israel do not have to continually fight for what is rightfully theirs.

Vehicular Manslaughter

This blog post is so named not because I killed someone with my car but because my car is trying to kill me.

I'm not proud of this but I recently got a DWDI. A ticket for Driving While my Dad is Irresponsible. Allow me to explain to you what happened and how it is all my dad's fault.

I was innocently driving from Apex to the Buffalo Wild Wings in North Myrtle Beach to watch the U.S. Women's National Soccer Team win the FIFA World Cup and then enjoy a few days at the beach when I spotted a what I thought was a State Trooper. I mentioned it to my passenger, Emily, although I wasn't speeding. When we passed the gray police vehicle that was turning in our direction, we realized that it was just a local sheriff car.

Now I don't know about you, but as there are no current warrants for my arrest and I don't keep any illegal materials in my car, I figured I was safe. But I was wrong. Since the sheriff and I were now both southbound, I got over into the right lane as if to say "I have no desire to be in the fast lane, that's for speeders!" and I stayed in that right lane behind an impossibly slow truck. The sheriff got behind me. I started to sweat a little. I mean not physically of course, 'cause gross, but like, metaphorically. I had done nothing wrong but I am VERY afraid of getting in trouble.

I was also pretty sick of driving 55 in a 60 but I was afraid to pass the truck with the fuzz right behind me! My hesitation would prove fatal. There apparently is such a thing as too much respect for the law. Faster than you can say "oh you CAN'T turn left on red?" the sheriff turned his lights on and I began to pull over. I was terrified. I knew I hadn't been speeding but there really is no telling what other traffic violations I may have committed. I have been driving more cautiously since returning from Israel, where driving is a contact sport, but you never know. As I pulled over, rolled down my window, turned down my show tunes and begged Emily not to play I Shot the Sheriff as a sick joke, I realized my greatest fear. Something I was in no way prepared for. A female police officer.

Batting my eyelashes wasn't going to cut it here. I was definitely going to jail, there was no way around it. I would really not do well in prison, I'm not confrontational. I watched Orange is the New Black this summer and I was not interested in starting a drug smuggling ring, carrying a guard's baby or becoming a lesbian for protection. Now using all that free time to get ripped did interest me but I think we all know that as soon as I had earned TV privileges that plan would go right out the barred window.

The officer came to my window, asked for my license and registration and I must have looked confused because she informed me that I had been pulled over due to my registration being expired. And then it all made sense. Because that is definitely my dad's zone. We play a zone defense when it comes to my car because we are both on the title. My zone includes paying for gas (unfortunately), getting oil changes, getting inspections, routine maintenance and everything that isn't renewing the registration. My dad's zone includes AND IS LIMITED TO renewing the registration. And since he is the team MRP (Most Responsible Player) I was confused as to how he let this slip.

While the deputy worked on beginning my criminal record and probably issuing a BOLO,  I freaked out to Emily. I was worried about having to spend a lot of money on the ticket, going to jail forever, and missing the beginning of the soccer game...not necessarily in that order. She finally came back, gave me my ticket and informed me that I would need to report to court in September. I was trying to ask her if I had to physically be at court if I got my registration renewed before then and she didn't really know how to answer my question and instead tried to direct me to the courthouse. When I again looked confused, she asked if I was familiar with the area. And that's when I almost lost it. You JUST had my license and registration. Both of which list Apex as my address. NO I AM NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE AREA. It's not exactly a sprawling metropolis. Who has heard of Whiteville? No one. Great.

So after a weekend of imagining what life in prison would be like and watching Get Hard to prepare myself, I set out to renew my registration myself. As an independent woman I am completely capable of doing these things for myself if I have to because my dad got me a ticket. First thing Wednesday morning I went to get my car inspected.


If you have been following this blog for years, you know all about my history with cars. My car failed the inspection because I needed new tires. I am the only person that I know of who has failed an inspection due to tires. And my family members kept asking me if my tires were really that bad. Ummm...I have no idea. I'm not observant and I super don't pay attention to my car. As long as the radio is working and there are open cupholders, I'm happy. I probably wouldn't have noticed if someone stole a tire on the passenger side. But I got the tires, I passed the inspection and I renewed the registration. Which came with a $100 late fee. Of course. Because this is my life with cars. But I came up with a generous solution.


And was promptly rejected. That's dads for ya. It's always about the $200 dental bills HE paid and never about the $2 gum I bought for him.

As I was going through all of this - the ticket, the failed inspection, buying new tires and the late fee - I was pretty mad at times but I remained uncharacteristically positive. I was thankful that this happened over the summer when I had time to take care of everything, grateful that my grandfather still answers the phone even though no one else in my family knows how to and relieved that I could afford the new tires since I had budgeted for my trip. Speaking of which...if my group in Israel turned me into an optimist I may never forgive them.

Sipping Stroopwafel

On July 2, 2019 America handed England their greatest defeat of all time in the history of the world. You're welcome. After giving Britain the business just like we did in 1776, only one match stood between our ladies and the World Cup.

Sweden and the Netherlands would play on July 3rd to determine who was going for the gold and who would be battling for bronze. (ESPN, if you're reading this, I do freelance work.) Now I wasn't sure who to pull for. On one hand, or foot I suppose since it's soccer, I wouldn't mind a rematch with Sweden. On the other foot...I wasn't prepared to handle another Scandinavian loss. After Sweden beat us in the Rio Olympics I prepared to boycott the nation for the next 4 years. I turned my nose up at meatballs of the Swedish variety and declined every offer to go to IKEA. The one thing I couldn't quit was ABBA. So as much as I wanted a rematch and redemption, I was nervous at the prospect of going from now until the 2020 Olympics without a single Mamma Mia jam session.

But then again I had to consider the alternative. Should the Dutch team win against Sweden and then America, I would be forced to implement a new boycott. One that would render me unable to try the limited time only Stroopwafel McFlurry. McDonald's timing could not be worse.

In the end, I decided to let go and let God since I didn't really care who we beat on Sunday. The Netherlands won and I did a little research, learning that the Netherlands is actually NOT the same as Norway. Who knew?

For the championship match, I woke up early to get a good spot at Buffalo Wild Wings. Emily helped me paint up and we left Apex at the unGodly hour of 7:30 to be in Myrtle Beach by kick off. Or whatever the start of a game is called in soccer. Please keep in mind that I looked like this while going into a bagel shop for breakfast. While being pulled over to get a ticket (more on that next week). While grabbing some last minute essentials from Walmart. While unloading at the beach house. While waiting for someone with a key after we promptly locked ourselves out of said beach house. It really wasn't the conversation starter that I hoped it would be.


Here is a collection of thoughts we had during the game.

• How did orange become their national color? It would make sense if it were Australia celebrating their past as a penal colony but for the Netherlands? Why?

• When it comes to soccer, I don't want the other team to have the ball ever. Is that too much to ask?

• Is that Ocean Avenue I hear? Cause I see a yellow card!

• I sure hope North Carolina wins the World Cup.

• Honestly nothing screams "I definitely just committed a foul" like throwing your hands up and backing away from the injured player.

• Tobin Heath is a national treasure. We must protect her from Nicolas Cage at all costs.

• Do American fans look like Netherlands fans to them? Could they not change their flag for this one day? Or you know what, everyone pulling for the Dutch just wear orange. Your country only has 17 million people I'm sure someone could make a listserv for things like this.

• HOW is Becky Sauerbrunn spraying that water directly into her mouth? That's the most athletic thing I've seen all day. I miss my mouth using a straw sometimes.

• This looks like a drill where we are trying to dribble through traffic cones.

• If they win their goalie has to get at least 90% of the prize money.

• Tobin Heath. Toby Keith. Coincidence? I think not.

• At this point they're just playing volleyball with their heads.

• Nothing reinforces how horrible my depth perception is quite like soccer. After every shot I have to wait to see how everyone else reacts because I can't tell if it went in or not.

• Can the referees be offsides?

• I genuinely don't know because I don't know what offsides means in any of the sports it's used in. Emily keeps trying to explain it to me but it makes no sense.

• Is this referee working with her identical twin? I know there are multiple officials but I only ever see her.

• Okay that's ONLY a yellow card? Because I would like to press charges.

• If we win, do I start a USA chant or a UNC chant?

• I still have no idea what is going on in the corners. Does it turn into rugby there?

Aaaaaaand here are some tweets you wouldn't want to miss.

Mazel Tov!

This is a post to recap some of what I saw and experienced in Israel. It is named after the time I could have sworn that a woman leaving the hospital said mazel tov to us. I cheerfully gave her a mazel tov right back and while I was still saying it I realized there was no way that she said mazel tov. She probably said evev tov, lilah tov, or any number of other greetings involving the word tov that aren't mazel tov. Now she probably thinks I'm some obnoxious American who's like "I can speak Spanish! Hola!" and I am obnoxious and I am American so maybe she's right.

This is a banner of Obama. With dreads. Not sure what this is about but I think their heart is in the right place.

If you look closely you can see that this bag reads "acrylic mink blanket" and my question is...is that what minks look like? That thing looks like a tiger with achondroplasia. It's terrifying. Are Israeli minks different from American minks? I'm too afraid to research it.

ORIGINS stands for Our Resolve Is Giving Israel Never-ending Support but I think a renaming is in order based on our first two days of cleaning at the hospital.

Israel is crazy about Mentos. I feel like the U.S. should follow their lead here. We let the Mentos craze die too soon. Let's bring them back.

There were so many pizza options in Israel. Specifically a lot of Papa John's. Or in Hebrew - Abba John's.

I still don't know what this is. Can you rent cowgirls in Israel? There aren't even that many cows. What they really need is catgirls. Israel is lousy with cats. The complete opposite of America if you've seen An American Tail.

The Middle East is really into rose as a flavor for things other than potpourri and after trying this rosewater custard thing I am very unclear as to why. Jamie liked this shampoo flavored monstrosity so I had to tell her to stay away from my cucumber melon body wash.

I am a natural at camel riding. This is how it's done. Take notes.

This signage demonstrated things not allowed at Capernaum. As Phil translated for us, no dogs, no smoking, no guns, no women, no men.

This is ALMOST the perfect picture until you see what is happening with my mouth. Which brings me to my next point...what IS happening with my mouth?

A lot of people loved the coffee in Israel. They have iced coffee that's not just ice and coffee. It's like an Icee, similar to a frappuccino but different? I guess? I don't drink coffee in America but the Israeli iced coffee (which I have lovingly named StarofDavidbucks) was pretty good. And they had a chocolate version that's like a chocolate milk Icee. Let's arrange a free trade deal where we import those bad boys in exchange for some ice or elevators.

This is a recycling bin on Masada and Phil pointed out that what a lot of people don't know is that Herod was really passionate about the environment. You won't find that in your history books.

Here we have a practice CPR dummy that I discovered in a classroom we were cleaning. I only saw 2 legs sticking out from under a table and I was sure that it was a dead body. Our supervisor found that hilarious. Okay, everyone found it hilarious but me.

Y'all there were so many stairs. Turns out historical sites are really not handicap friendly. I have decided that if I become rich I am going to make Israel more wheelchair accessible. And cable cars. A lot more cable cars.

Now I know why they say the Dead Sea is a once in a lifetime experience because NEVER AGAIN. This was the temperature. 108. The water was in no way refreshing. I felt kind of like that proverbial frog being boiled alive very slowly. And despite not shaving for 3 days prior which was torturous in and of itself, I still managed to accumulate plenty of little cuts and scrapes for the salt to infiltrate. Floating was cool and all but at what cost? At what cost?

Israel had some pretty amazing t-shirts.

In this picture from Jerusalem, an Orthodox or Hasidic male is playing  Billy Jean on an electric guitar. I hear he can trace his roots all the way back to the tribe of Dan...ce.

Here we are in a cistern. We went into a lot of old water cisterns. Mainly for the shade but the acoustics weren't bad either. Here's the thing about these guys...once you walk down into them, you have to climb back out. Tragic.

Here are some videos Brad made about some of our big excursions. If you would rather get all the deets from me live and in person, contact me about catching up over a non-kosher meal.